Haru dragged the knife across his wrist, leaving a deep, clean cut as images from the previous night flashed through his mind. He choked on his sobs which came out in a rhythmic pattern.
"Isn't this what you wanted, Haru...?" The evil voice echoed in his head.
He knew he was home alone, so no one would hear him crying to release his overwhelming anxiety. Drops of blood dripped from his deep cut and dissolved into the surrounding warm water.
"I thought you loved me..."
Haru plunged his head under the water of his bathtub and screamed in both fear and anger. The sound was muffled, but tons of bubble rose to the surface as the air escaped him. He was about to pull up out of the water to take a breath but started to consider otherwise. He instinctually inhaled, causing water to fill his lungs. He wanted desperately to pull himself up out of the water, but he hated thinking of the world he would have to return to if he did. He took another breath full of water, then felt his body go numb as his vision went black.
"H-Haru?! Haru please wake up!" Haru heard a faint but recognizable voice calling to him from what sounded like miles away. He soon realized that his eyes were closed and they snapped open immediately.
"Makoto...?" Haru muttered as his consciousness returned.
"Haru, oh my god! You're okay!" Haru's green-eyed friend cried, tears visibly streaming down his face as he embraced Haru tightly.
"What happened...?" Haru wondered aloud as he noticed he was on the floor of his bathroom, beside the bathtub, and wearing only his swimsuit, like usual.
"I came over to visit and let myself in when you didn't open the door," Makoto explained, "I looked around and found you underwater in the tub. I thought... I thought you were..."
Haru's eyes widened as it all came back to him. The tub, the cuts, the drowning... And Rin. "What happened, Haru?" Mako asked, tears still flooding down his face, "And don't lie to me, I saw your wrist!"
Haru looked down and noticed about 17 slits all over his left wrist, some still bleeding a little. He felt tears come to his eyes and tried to will them away - he didn't want his friend to see him cry. "I..." He tried to speak, "Rin..."
"Rin?! What'd he do?!" Mako exclaimed as Haru trailed off, unable to form the words which felt so uncomfortable in his mouth.
"Don't act like you don't like it..." The voice was back in his mind and the images began flashing through his head again. The party, the confessions, the alcohol, and then... What Rin did...
Haru couldn't say it. He couldn't bring himself to admit that it actually happened. He liked to just think of it as a terrible nightmare that was all over. He just stared up into Makoto's eyes, his mouth open as he tried to say something - anything, but instead, his eyes filled with tears. "No! Don't cry, Haru, it's okay! You don't have to tell me!" Makoto comforted, pulling his trembling friend into another warm embrace.
"Stop crying you pussy! Toughen up, it's just gonna get worse," the voice continued to echo in Haru's thoughts.
"Rin... He..." Haru continued to try to speak, but Mako shushed him and ran his hand through his black hair.
"You don't need to tell me, it's okay Haru. You're okay," he soothed.
Haru took a breath and began hugging Mako back. It felt so much better to be in Mako's comforting arms than Rin's rough ones. As thoughts of Rin came back into Haru's mind, he began sobbing loudly into Mako's chest.
Mako sighed. He really wanted to know what happened that broke his friend beyond repair, but he didn't want to force it out of him. He rubbed Haru's back and listened painfully to his agonizing sobs.
"HE RAPED ME, MAKO!" Haru finally screamed the words out.
Mako felt his heart drop to his stomach and he couldn't breathe. The words repeated over and over in his head as he thought about what was just said. He didn't take another breath for what felt like an hour before he felt the tears sting his eyes. "He... What...?" He managed to say hoarsely.
"He got really drunk yesterday and told me he loved me..." Haru replied, tensing up as the scenes from yesterday repeated in his imagination, "I said it back... And then he... Just... Did it..."
"Wait, hold up!" Mako interrupted, "You said it back?! You love Rin?!"
"I thought I did!" Haru cried out in response, "But when he did that... I just... I don't know what love is, Mako. If that's love then I don't want it."
"Haru... That is not love..." Mako told him as each of them cried, "What Rin did to you... That was just terrible! I can't believe anyone could do that to you, Haru! I can't believe... Someone could take advantage of you like that... Haru, I-"
"Listen, Makoto," Haru interrupted, wiping the tears off his wet cheeks, "I know what you're trying to say, but I really deserved this. I was weak, and I should have stood up for myself. This is my fault."
"NO IT'S NOT, HARU! DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT!" Mako shouted angrily, "It was NOT your fault! Rin is an idiot and a douche bag and he doesn't deserve you!"
"Thanks Mako..." Haru mumbled, "But I just can't believe that."
Suddenly, two and two came together for Mako. He had always been so naive, and it shocked him that he hadn't noticed this sooner, "Haru, you..." He trailed off, remembering the cuts on his wrist and finding him in the tub, "You tried to kill yourself..."
Haru froze and just stared at Mako's face, speechless. He could see nothing but pure pain in Mako's eyes as his innocence was shattered before him. "Haru... How could you just leave everyone like that? How could you leave me like that?!" Mako weeped, his voice barely audible.
"Mako, you don't understand..." Haru tried to explain, "After what Rin did... I just couldn't-"
"You couldn't what?! You couldn't talk to me?! I could have helped you, Haru! Do you realize what I would have done if I found you here dead?!" Mako screamed, his tears hitting the cold, tile floor.
"No..." Haru whispered, though he was sure he knew the answer.
"I would have killed myself as well, Haruka!" Makoto cried, using Haru's actual name.
The words stung Haru's heart. He couldn't imagine being the reason for his best friend's death. "I know I'm probably not as important to you as you are to me, but Haru, I honestly couldn't live a day without you!"
The two boys sat in silence, staring into each other's bloodshot, sobbing eyes. Haru couldn't think of a response, and Mako didn't want to continue talking about the subject. "Mako... I do care about you," Haru finally mustered out his words.
"I doubt you care as much as I do..." Mako sighed under his breath.
"Mako... How could you say that...?" Haru asked, feeling his heart ache.
"Because, Haru..." Mako tried desperately to say the words he was looking for, but he didn't want to admit the truth. He didn't want to leave Haru hanging, though, so he finally said it, "I really like you. I think... I think I like you more than a friend."
Haru's cheeks turned crimson as the words sank in. "Mako..."
"Haru, I don't wanna hear it," Mako muttered, avoiding eye contact, "I know you don't feel the same way."
Haru bit his lip. He was scared to do what he wanted to do. Especially after what happened with Rin. But he knew Makoto would never hurt him like Rin did - he trusted Mako more than anyone else, and there was no way in the world that he would even try to cause him any pain. He sighed, grabbed Mako's face, and pulled him in, locking their lips together.
For a mere second, Mako was completely shocked, but soon enough, he felt himself sink into the kiss. He had been wanting this since he first met Haru when they were 13. At the time, he felt like it was wrong to like another boy and felt terrible for it, but now, at this moment, it all felt so right. Like it was meant to happen.
"Haru..." Mako muttered as Haru pulled away. "You... Like me?"
"I guess so," Haru replied, looking at the floor, red-faced.
"You don't realize how long I've wanted to hear you say that," Mako grinned, tears reforming in his eyes. "Please, Haru, promise me you'll never try to kill yourself again."
Haru looked into Makoto's worried eyes and just stared for a few seconds. He was scared. Scared of Rin, scared of promises he couldn't keep, and scared of what would happen next. "Makoto... I can't just-"
"Please, Haru!" Makoto cried, the tears threatening to spill out of his eyes, "I could never live without you! I promise I won't let Rin or anyone else hurt you anymore, just please don't do this to yourself!"
Haru looked to the bloody knife on the side of the bathtub, to his wrist, then back into Makoto's pleading eyes. He sighed, then pulled Mako into a hug, "I promise..."