So, I am not sure about the age- difference between Sacha's two daughters, but I've seen them both in an episode and tried to look and see about how big the difference is and everything… so if anyone knows the exact difference and why Sacha and Helen broke up, please PM me about it and I'll change what I need.
"Daddy"
"Not now Rachel."
"Daddy?"
"Not now, I'm putting Beka to sleep"
"Daddy!"
"What is it?" I looked up from the crib where my three weeks old daughter laid, barely asleep yet to look at my oldest daughter- three year old Rachel who was nagging me for attention.
"I made you a drawing." She held up a paper, but she held the side at which she had been drawing towards her so I couldn't see it from here. And I couldn't really let go of what I was doing with trying to put the baby to sleep.
"I said not now."
"But daddy please." When she looked at me with her best puppy eyes and pouted there was not else that I could do then sigh and pull myself from the crib and Rebecca for a moment before I walked over and kneeled by Rachel to take a look at what she had made for me. Which was a drawing of what looked like three people in true three- year's- old- style
"That is me," She pointed. "And you, and mummy. Beka's not in it, I don't like her because she's stupid."
"Rachel." I scolded with my… well- the strictest voice I could possibly use towards my daughter. "That is not a nice thing to say. Why would you be talking about your sister like that?" Rachel looked down at her drawing and didn't answer. "Rachel, at least give me a reason on why you would be talking about your sister like that or you will be put in the naughty spot."
"She is stupid!" Rachel said, and not until now I could hear how tired she sounded. "All she does is eat, poop, sleep and scream- and she screamed all night tonight. And it kept you up and it kept me up." I felt a frown form on my forehead- I had for sure been up all night with Beka, but I hadn't noticed it had kept Rachel up too.
"Well she can't help that. She's just a baby, and she's got stomachaches and that's why she's screaming. You cry when you have a stomachache too don't you?" Rachel nodded. "And she'll grow, and as she will grow older she will stop screaming all through the night." Rachel leaned into my lap and leaned her head against my shoulder.
"But I'm so tired daddy. And you said you and me were going out for ice cream and then watch a movie today. You said that you would get mummy or someone to take care of Beka and then it would be only you and me. You said we would do it today daddy."
"Oh that was today?" Rachel nodded and pointed to the big calendar on the wall. "Oh I'm so sorry honey I completely forgot." Rachel pouted and I knew what she wanted. "I'm sorry but mummy's gone out so I can't leave Beka now." I heard Beka start whimpering. "Oh come on Bex, can't you be a little bit cooperative now? I need to take care of Beka now love. But you go and rest and then we might be able to watch a movie or something later."
I didn't have time to listen to what Rachel wanted to say next. Beka screamed even louder and I almost jumped onto my feet and stepped over to the crib, taking the baby up in my arms again and started walking.
"Daddy." Almost an hour later, when I could finally put Beka in the crib being completely sure she was sleeping now Rachel came into the room again. I had just taken for granted she had gone to get some rest when she had left the room the last time but in fact she looked even more miserable this time than the last time I had seen her.
"I don't feel well."
While I lead her out of the room not to wake Beka up once again, closed the door and pushed the baby alarm down into my pocket a million thoughts were spinning in my head. Was Rachel ill? Or was she faking it to get attention after all of the attention Beka had been getting lately? Or maybe was she ill from the lack of sleep? Was there something more serious wrong?
I lifted Rachel up to sit on the kitchen bench coming into the kitchen and felt her forehead. I had half expected Rachel to have been pretending because of jealousy, but feeling her forehead I could feel the unusual heat typical for a temperature. Even though, to be sure I felt with my hand- then the back of my hand, my arm and at last my own forehead.
"You do feel a bit warm." I felt with my arm again, in such a fast move I almost pushed her backwards and I quickly grabbed her by the shoulders. "Sorry, sorry love." I rubbed her arm. "Now?" I leaned down a bit and looked her in the eyes. "How are you not feeling well? Do you have a headache or does it hurt anywhere else or do you feel like you're going to throw up or do you just feel tired and weird?"
"Just tired and weird." Rachel snivelled. "I just want to go to bed daddy." I nodded and lifted her down from the kitchen bench. Telling her to go off to bed while I got a thermometer and some cold water.
I could feel my heart beating hard while pouring up a bottle with water while running around and trying to find a thermometer. I knew this was probably just another bug going around amongst Rachel and her friends. It was every time she was ill-but every time she was ill I just couldn't help to think about everything else it could possibly be and what would happen if it was.
I stressed myself up so badly when I walked into Rachel's room I half expected passed out on the floor seizing or whatever else that would mean that this was something serious and not just another bug. But what I had not expected to see was Rachel sitting with her forehead towards the element under the window to warm up her forehead so I would believe she was really ill.
"Rachel." I panted angrily when I realized that she had pretended and tricked me. "Rachel… No, I don't want to hear you now. I am very angry with you." I put the water bottle and the thermometer down with a bang on her bedside table. "Why on earth would you trick me like that?" I took her under the arms, pulled her away from the element and lifted her up to sit on top of a cupboard so we'd be around the same height and there was no way she could just jump down and run away.
"Rachel." I said after several seconds of waiting. "I am waiting and you are not going anywhere until you've given me an answer." Rachel snivelled and looked away from me. "Rachel, now!"
"I just wanted to see if you still care about me." The choice Rachel had made with words and the whimpering tone had my anger running off and I could under no circumstances continue to be angry with her now.
"Rach… Rachel I would never not care about you. What were you thinking wanting to see if I did?" I had a good idea of why it might be but wanted to hear it from Rachel in case it was something completely different that I would need to know.
"Because since Beka have been here you only care about her. And you even forgot that we were going to have a special day today." I sighed, and then carefully wrapped my arms around my daughter and lifted her up.
"Oh Rachie." I said, my anger being all gone by now. "I always care about you. I care about you and Beka just as much, even though Beka does take some attention right now I love you just as much now and if you want to ask me something about it then you can just come and ask me about it, you don't have to fake being sick."
"But when I tried that, something happened to Beka and then you needed to go." Rachel snivelled and leaned her head against my shoulder again. "And Beka's screaming all night so I can't sleep and then I really feel ill. I'm so tired daddy." I drew a deep breath and then tenderly kissed her forehead- still warm from the element.
"Oh sweetheart." I rocked her in my arms. "Just because Beka needs more attention than you now it doesn't mean I care about you any less." I hugged her as tightly as I possibly could and kissed her forehead again. "Tell you what, to make up for that I forgot today, I'll tell grandma to come over this weekend. So that mummy's got some help, and then you and I go into town and eat as much ice cream as you can eat. And then we go to a hotel and watch a movie and spend one night there."
"What's a hotel?"
"A hotel is a place where you can go to sleep when you can't sleep at home, and then you can go and sleep in this room for one night. So what do you think? Should we do that just you and I?" Rachel hesitated.
"You'll only forget about it again."
"No I won't. I promise."
"Promise?"
"Promise"
XxXxXxXxX
"Daddy?" My seven year old, Rachel came up to me where I stood making her breakfast. We had over- slept and her mother and sister had already left. "I don't feel well." I stopped what I was doing and kneeled by her.
"What is it Rach?" I felt her forehead- it didn't feel like she had a temperature but she didn't look well where she stood with her arms wrapped around her stomach and looking at me with her sweetest puppy- dog- eyes.
"My tummy hurts… ow!" She whimpered and moved her hands to the middle of her stomach. I carefully moved closer to her and gently pushed her hands away to feel her stomach. "Ow, ow, ow, ow… ow stop it daddy stop!" She shouted, then suddenly she stopped and threw a hand over her mouth before she jumped around and ran down to the bathroom.
"Rach." I hurried after, but stumbled and had to grab onto the kitchen bench not to fall. "Rach…. Rachel." She threw the bathroom door closed after her and even though I heard her lock it I ran over and tugged the door handle. "Sweetie, can you open the door so I can come in?" I had barely asked before I heard her heaving and throwing up.
I felt helpless standing there on the other side of the door without being able to come in. Even though I wouldn't have been able to make her feel better I could have hugged, rubbed her back, help her to clean her mouth out and kept the hair away from her face- anything that would help her right now.
"Daddy…" I heard her sob and then heave again. But there was nothing I Could do! If I kicked the door in it could and most likely would hurt her- and in the middle of a divorce I did not have time to fix a new door.
It felt like ages, but probably wasn't more than a minute or two before I heard Rachel's light footsteps and then the door was unlocked and she opened it and leaned against the door frame.
"Oh you poor thing." Ï kneeled slightly and picked her up, in the move feeling her forehead with my cheek. Maybe she was a bit warm anyway! "Okay, here." I put her down on her bed in her room. "I'll go make the sofa done so you can stay there. I opened a drawer in the bedside table and pulled out a ziplock bag that we would always keep in the girls' rooms just in case and handed it to Rachel.
"Use this if you get sick again okay?" Rachel nodded. "And just holler if you need anything. I'll be back in a minute." Leaving her was the last thing I wanted to do- but the sofa was a better place for when she was ill and I would have to fix it.
I put a sheet over the sofa's cushions and then laid a few towels upon the sheet and on the floor where I placed a bucket before I went to get Rachel and led her over to the couch and then kneeled in front of her and then felt her forehead again, maybe she was just getting a tiny little bit warmer than usual.
"I'll go clean up in the bathroom." I pushed myself up. "Just holler if you need me." I patted her shoulder and then walked into the bathroom. But reaching for the box with plastic gloves I realized it was empty and threw it in the trash and opened the cupboard to get another box.
Out of the cupboard fell a folded paper, and not really thinking about that I picked out a box with gloves, and realized behind it stood one glass of orange juice, one glass of milk and a pack with crackers. And it didn't take long for me to put the pieces together one and one and realize what this was about so I bent down and picked the paper up and unfolded it- oh yes! It was exactly what I thought!
"Daddy." When I heard the faked weak tone in Rachel's voice I went even angrier and grabbed the glasses, the paper and the crackers and went back into the living room to confront my daughter about whatever she thought she was doing.
"Rachel." I placed the things she had used to fake vomit on the table. She didn't seem too sure about what to do next but I angrily lifted my arm and pointed out to her room. "Go get dressed, I'll fix this. Then you're going to school."
"But daddy…"
"Don't but daddy me. You are going to school and I am very angry with you young lady. You've got some serious explaining to do." Rachel looked away and didn't move. "Go get dressed and get ready for school… NOW!"
Rachel snivelled and ran off to her room. Damn it I hated being angry at her!
"Rachel…." By the time we were in the car waiting for the lights to go green I wasn't quite as angry anymore. "I want you to tell me the truth about why you wanted to skip school today. And I want you to do it now!" She didn't make a sound. "Rachel Elizabeth… I want you to tell me now and I'm going to keep on saying that until you have told me why you faked being sick to skip school."
"I… I… Daddy." I shot her a glare so she'd know I was being serious. "Well… there is this…" She hesitated. "There is this new girl at school." I went all cold- If anyone had hurt my baby girl! "And she isn't nice! And I thought that maybe if… maybe if I wasn't going to school for a while… then she'd forget she didn't like me before I came back." I sighed and drove onto the side of the road to stop.
"Rachel." I said calmly- as of now all of my anger was far gone. "Why didn't you just tell me?" I laid a hand towards her cheek and tenderly wiped away a tear. "I could have called your school fixed meetings talked to the parents and anything I could to make it stop. You must have known that pretending to be ill weren't going to lead anywhere and that I was going to see right through your lies sooner or later."
Rachel looked up at me looking more miserable than ever. And with the next thing she said I swore I could hear my heart breaking- and that I was going to kill the one that had caused my Rachel to feel like this.
"Do you think I'm ugly daddy?"
"No.. No! Oh Rachie." I half pulled half lifted her over the things in between our seats and sat her on my lap before I hugged her tightly. "You are beautiful, and whoever has been calling you ugly is just jealous of that okay?" Rachel nodded towards my chest. "Hey… let's go to school okay? And I will come with you in and we will talk to your teachers about this, and then I will do anything and everrything that is in my power to make an end to this girl treating you like she does."
"Will Jodelle stop saying I'm ugly then?"
"Yes" I knew that I maybe shouldn't have answered that. That even if I did everything it might not work out but I had sworn to myself I was going to do everything it took, and I was during no circumstances letting anyone hurt my baby girl.
"Promise?"
"Promise"
XxXxXxXxX
"Hello." One of my new colleagues came up to the reception desk where I stood leaned over a few papers for a patient, I looked up and brainstormed for all of the names for all of my new colleagues to try and place the right one to the man with curly, grey hair.
"Hey ehrm… Enoch was it?"
"Elliot… But thinking about that Enoch is not a bad name…" He scratched his neck. "Should have known that when we had my son- would have made Enoch Peter Hope instead of James Peter…. Although…" He made a grimace. "Maybe James was better after all." I let hear a short laugh.
"So you have a son? Is he your only child?" I switched the subject from me getting his name wrong so he would stop teasing me.
"Yes, James is twenty three, and his sister- my daughter Martha is twenty one. Wow… they really grow up so fast. Feels like yesterday we were woken up every night by her screaming…" He had gotten something distant in his eyes as if he had started thinking about some rather painful memory. "Oh, sorry, just zoned away for a second. Do you have any children Mr. Levy?" I nodded.
"Yes, Rebecca- or Beka as we usually call her is eight and then my oldest Ra…."
"Daddy?" I span around- I knew that voice and knowing she was here and hearing the tone in her voice I could feel my heart beating hard in my ears. Was she sick? Was she hurt? Was she…
I calmed down slightly when I saw Rachel was standing up and walking on her own through the hallway, at least it was better than being pushed in on a stretcher barely awake but I couldn't keep my heart from beating as it took me several seconds with the thoughts spinning in my head before it had even hit me what I was supposed to do.
"Rachel?" I started at last and ran over to her and her mother standing behind. "Are you alright? Are you ill?" I felt her forehead and on her neck- nothing! "Are you hurt? Did you fall at school?" Before she had had the chance at school I had gently grabbed both sides of her chin and was pressing with my fingers over head to feel for lumps. "Does it hurt anywhere? Why are you here?"
"SACHA" Helen shouted at last, obviously tired of me babbling without giving any of them a chance to answer me. "Now when you're listening. Rachel had a fall at school, she fell down from a tree. It was pretty high up at least two and a half meters but she's been awake and crying so she probably didn't hit her head. She tried to catch herself though and we think her arm is broken."
Rachel held her right arm up with her left and her hand towards her shoulder- but had hung her jacket over so before I could see anything I had to carefully lift that jacket off. And no matter how carefully I did it- Rachel still whimpered in pain and cried out when it just barely touched her arm.
"Oh, oh, oh. Sorry, sch, sch, sch." I tenderly wiped away a tear from her cheek with one hand, and felt over her forearm with my other one- knowing that it would hurt badly but that it would have to be done.
"OW" Rachel shouted when I reached one certain point. "OW OW, DADDY, DADDY STOP." She tried to push me away but couldn't- especially not with just one hand but I had felt what I needed and took her wrist in mine with one hand and then lifted her up on my hip with my other arm.
"I think we need to… the orthopaedic ward…" I couldn't put the words together right and barely knew what I even was saying. Although I knew that fire that appeared in my ex- wife's eyes that that had not been what I should have said.
"Why? Because you can't care for your own daughter? Sacha since she fell down from that damn tree that should have been chopped down years ago she have been crying and only saying that her arm hurts and that she wants you to fix it- so now fix it!" I sighed- orthopaedics wasn't my area but… maybe… just until we had gotten an X- ray and for certain knew if Rachel's arm was broken or not…
"No, yes, no of course." I stuttered again barely knowing what I was saying. "Don't worry Rach. I'll take care of you. Helen, actually… I think…"
"…That you'll be better off without me? Oh don't worry, I'm going." Helen turned around and stomped down the hallway and through the doors before I had had the chance to say anything else, and turned around towards the ward. I just wasn't ready for Mr. Hope to have been right behind me and jumped and Rachel almost had a second fall today.
"Oh dear Lord Mr. Hope, you scared me." I looked at Rachel. "I and Mr. Hope were just talking about you when you came in. Mr. Hope, this is my oldest daughter Rachel eleven, almost twelve. And she seems to have had a nasty fall at school so well… Can you say hello darling?"
"Hello Mr. Hope." Rachel mumbled, and leaned heavily against my shoulder.
"Oh…" Mr. Hope took her unhurt hand in his. "Beautiful ladies like you can just call me Elliot." Normally Rachel would have smiled from ear to ear with this, but now she was in just too much pain to even smile at him, as she raised her head and looked up at me again.
"Daddy, it hurts." She whimpered, so weakly I could have sworn I heard my heart breaking. "Can't you make it stop?"
"Of course darling. Come here, I'll get you some ice and some painkillers and then we'll do an X- ray okay?" Rachel nodded, and Mr. Hope slightly patted her shoulder when I walked away with her making some mental notes that I would have to thank him for what he said to Rachel later.
"Mr. Levy" Just as I was putting Rachel's arm in a sling to keep until we had heard from the X- ray that they had time for her one of my colleagues- whose name I couldn't remember hurried into the room and before I had the time to say anything she had continued.
"Your wife is on the phone" I raised an eyebrow- I wasn't married. "Well, some Helen Levy at least…"
"Ex-wife." I hurried out in the hallway. "I'll be back in just a second Rach, you know your mother won't be happy with me if I leave her to wait." I jogged to the reception and grabbed the phone. "Yes? Helen?" I couldn't clear out the words from how fast she was talking and obviously scared of something. "I… Helen calm down. Take a deep breath and then tell me slowly what is going on. Has something happened to Beka too?"
"No…." Helen spoke slower and less high- pitched but her voice was still shivering. "Sacha… do you think it's possible… Do you think there's a risk that Rachel wold be suicidal?"
My whole body froze, suicidal? No! Not…
"What? Of course she's not…" In the same moment as I spoke the words I knew that I had chosen the wrong words- anything could get to a point where they thought there was nothing left to do, and my family wasn't any more resistant to it than anyone else.
"Helen start from the beginning and explain to me why you would think that."
"Rachel…" A few minutes later I stomped into the room Rachel half sat up on a bunk, finding that Mr. Hope was finishing and fixing with the sling I hadn't had the time to put fully. "Mr. Hope. If you could please…" I nodded backwards towards the door and he gently finished the sling he was fixing with and then left the room.
"Rachel…" I started again, feeling more and more scared for every second that went by. "I just spoke to your mother on the phone that have just spoken to one of your teachers at school that told her that you didn't fall from that tree. You jumped…"
My daughter looked away from me and seemed ashamed, I wasn't angry with her- I just wanted to know why she had done this and was scared to death of what Helen had asked me about.
"Rachel…. Why did you jump from that tree?" No answer. "RACHEL. If you hadn't caught yourself and landed like you did, you could have died falling from that tree… is that what you would have wanted?"
I probably shouldn't have asked that! No, I really shouldn't have ask that but in moment of being I was scared to death of the answer I might get and I wasn't really thinking of anything else then just that.
"NO" Rachel shouted. "No daddy…. Of course I didn't. I was just going to…" I looked sternly at her and hoped that it would show her to tell me everything. "I was just going to climb up and… get hurt just a little bit. But when I climbed up it was actually really high, and I was going to climb down but so I thought that… that then…"
"Rachel." Trying to ease my legs and my hands from trembling with fear I sunk down onto a chair by the bunk and laid my palms towards my knees. "Why did you jump from that tree? Was it a dare? Did someone tell they'd do something bad if you didn't do it?"
"I just wanted to meet you." Rachel stated, almost all at once. "And I thought… I thought that if I sas hurt then you'd take care of me."
For a moment I couldn't even breathe. Something cold had taken a grip of my heart and lungs and I could hear my heart beating and couldn't catch my breath. When I felt tears burn behind my eyes it didn't help and at last I chose to stand up and go out of the room and out in the hallway where I sunk down on the nearest chair and put my head in my hands.
I had almost been thinking, for just a tiny little second I had almost been thinking about the possibility that Rachel would have jumped form a tree because she wanted to end her own life, I knew that a few weeks ago listening to a song she had wondered what it was about and I had told her the story about a child fallen down from a tree and…. God! Even though I now knew so wasn't the case, I hadn't been so scared in my whole life as I was when the thought had hit me that my baby girl wouldn't want to live anymore.
"Daddy?" I heard her tiniest voice from right behind me and turned to see that she had come out in the doorway and was standing right behind me. "Please don't be angry with me. I only wanted to get to see you. I didn't want to get really hurt I swear. Please don't be angry with me to punish me."
I showed her to come over to me and carefully not to hurt her arm I lifted her onto my lap. Rachel leaned against my shoulder and crouched slightly. I knew that she knew that in case I would be angry with her- which I wasn't, sitting like this would give me a harder time punishing her or being angry with her.
"Rachel, I'm not angry." I told truthfully. "I was only afraid because your mum had an idea that you might have done what you did to on purpose hurt yourself so seriously you wouldn't make it. And when you came in here I was really afraid before I realized that you weren't seriously hurt or ill." Rachel nodded towards my chest.
"What will my punishment be?"
"I think…" I pointed to her arm in the sling. "…that this is punishment enough. And let it be a reminder never to do anything like this again!" Rachel sighed slightly and leaned her back towards my neck and shoulder.
"Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"Can I stay with you tonight?"
"Oh Rachel." I couldn't help but laugh slightly. "I don't think you have much of a choice. Until this is healed you're going to have to stay with me for me to have a chance to keep an eye on everything." Rachel nodded and wrapped her unhurt arm around my neck. "Come on," I stood up and lifted her onto my hips. "Let's go to the X- ray to see what we will have to do next."
"Daddy?" Rachel leaned her head towards my shoulder.
"Yes?"
"If I come in here and I'm really hurt or ill. Will you take care of me until I'm well again then?"
"Yes of course."
"Promise?"
"Promise"
XxXxXxXxX
Driving home from the hospital with Rachel there wasn't much said. And I guess there wasn't much left to say. After everything that had happened when I was stabbed and everything Rachel had already told me about why she had skipped school today, I just didn't have the heart to be angry with her.
"Rachel." I pulled over on our driveway and laid a palm over Rachel's arm to stop her from leaving when I had unbuttoned the belt. "I only want to talk to you about a few more things okay? First of all- even if you were faking being ill earlier today you were vomiting for real. And I need you to tell me what you did to cause that because I need to know if it something that could harm you."
I didn't believe that Rachel would have done something that wasn't harmless but I needed to check. And the way she looked at me, miserable as ever had me realize that whatever she had been doing she had known exactly what.
"Rachie? What did you do?"
"Strawberries!" I sighed- my Rachel was allergic to strawberries. I should have guessed. From the moment Rachel ate them she'd know on the second how long it would be until she started feeling nauseas, and exactly how long it would be from there until she was sick and so on- she must for sure have a stomachache right now!
"Inside!" I pointed to the door. "Hot water bottle? Stupid movie? Just you and I?" Rachel nodded at every word I said. "Then you've got to promise me one thing. If you ever want my attention or just want to spend time with me again." I laid my arm around her shoulders. "Just come and talk to me. Don't pretend to be ill because I will end up seeing right through your lies but that after worrying sick!" Rachel nodded but I wanted a verbal answer as well
"Promise?"
"Promise"
XxXxXxXxX
I stroke my hand over Rachel's forehead and hair. Today- even though the side effects I knew were coming hadn't started yet, had been exhausting and a part of me felt like only stumbling over to the empty bed in the hospital room and fall asleep myself.
Even though I knew I couldn't. Soon enough Rachel would wake up and she would feel even worse than she felt when she fell asleep. I would have to be awake then… although maybe if I just… if I just…. Didn't leave her…
I crouched as much as I possibly could by the foot of the bed, the sole of one of my sneakers was still down towards the floor and I had my head towards the hard and cold metal railing around the bed. It was anything but a comfortable position but- anything for my little girl!
I hadn't planned to fall asleep like that. Only my eyelids felt so heavy and… and… and just five minutes!
"Daddy…. Daddy…. Daddy" The next thing I knew from reality was Rachel's voice, sounding more and more high- pitched and panicking for every time she called out for me. And still I didn't quite react because at first I couldn't remember what was going on.
"DADDY." When Rachel at last shouted out for me everything that had been going on the last few days suddenly came back to me and I shot up just to have the time to see Rachel lurch forward to vomit- all over the blanket and my shirt.
"Hey, hey, hey." I couldn't reach her back but I did as much as I could and placed my palms against her arms as she lurched forward again. "It's alright Rachel. It's okay, it's okay." Soon to be, both my shirt and Rachel's blanket and hospital gown were soaked in vomit. I could have gotten a basin by now, but I didn't have the heart to let go unless there was someone here to hold her.
Then, just as that thought hit me, as on a given signal the door to the room and Chrissie came into the room and I didn't even have to speak to her before she had grabbed a basin, held it under Rachel's chin and patted her back before I had even had a chance to find the right words.
But I did get a chance to, even if I still couldn't find quite the right words nod a thank you to Chrissie, and then stood up and- not to waste any more time than what I absolutely had to before I could be back by my daughter's side I grabbed my bag, opened it and unbuttoned my shirt with the other hand.
"Ew, dad!" I had been standing with my back towards Rachel and now turned my head so I could see her. "I don't want to see you without a shirt" I couldn't help but laugh- cancer or not. My Rachel was still a teenager that found her daddy very, very embarrassing.
"Rachel." I unbuttoned the last button. "I do have a T- shirt under. It wasn't a surprise to me that this would happen!" Rachel nodded tiredly, and as she had finally stopped vomiting, she tiredly laid her head towards the pillow as Chrissie patted her back and I grabbed some gloves to help Chrissie clean up.
"I can't believe you shaved your hair off too!" Chrissie stated, making it very clear to me how she felt about the fact that I had shaved all of my hair off- even if it was to support my daughter.
"You look like a potato!" I couldn't help but laugh, there wasn't anything funny in the situation and Chrissie sent me a glare… if only glares could kill! But after a long day with chemo and crying and telling my daughter over and over again that I'd be there for her I needed that short chuckle.
"I don't care." After cleaning up as much as there was I crawled up on the bunk behind Rachel so she could lean against me. "I'd go through hell and back if it was to support my daughter, and I think you'd know that. That means more to me than all the hair in the whole wide world ever could." Chrissie rolled her eyes and sighed.
"Daddy?" Rachel mumbled and I looked down on her where she laid leaning her head against my chest. "Did you mean what you said earlier?" I raised an eyebrow- I had said quite a lot earlier! "I mean what you said about that you won't leave?"
"Yes of course I meant it. I'll be here for you every single step of the way."
"Even if it means I'll barf on you again?" I chuckled shortly another time.
"Rachel… do you have any idea of how many times you 'barfed' on me when you were little." I took her hand and wrapped my fingers around hers to hold it as hard as possible. "Did I leave you then?" She shook her head weakly. "Exactly, and neither will I now. Now you could 'barf' on me all day long if you had to and I will still be right here."
"Oh my god. You're so embarrassing."
"That's my job Sweetie."
"But will you really be here, even when I lose all of my hair and get ugly and even when I barf all over you and even when I…" I didn't let her finish the sentence- nothing had ever been clearer to me than the answer for these questions.
"Rachel. I love you. And for once you wouldn't ever be ugly, you're the most beautiful person I've ever known and that won't change." I stroke her hair with the hand that wasn't holding hers. "And for second I will be here. Every step of the way no matter how hard it will be to walk." Rachel smiled weakly and snuggled closer to me. "I will be here." I kissed her forehead.
"Promise?"
"More than I ever meant a promise before- I promise"
And cut! I hope you liked that. I know I enjoyed writing it. And oh- Ehrm… suicide or anything mentioning suicide or whatever- as in the scenario where Rachel jumped down from a tree, it is something that I prefer not to write and such but… If someone thought it… then I just wanted to say that I would never ever, ever try and dishonour anyone. So if I have then I'm sorry.