A/N: Hi there! I really don't like Twilight, but I'm writing for it because my account needs more noise and Twilight is, for some reason, exceedingly popular. Even more popular than what I generally write for. That's Buffy the Vampire Slayer, in case you were wondering. If you're a Twilight fan, that's lovely. I don't actually respect your opinion, but I'm not going to like, yell at you or anything if you say "I'm in love with Edward and you did this perfectly! You're almost as good as Stephenie Meyer!" Sure, I'll be annoyed as crud because I am a much, much better author than her, but I won't freak out or anything. Please enjoy the story. Oh, and keep in mind that I've only read the first two books. Yup.

Alice Has a "WTF" Moment

"Edward," Alice complained as they drove along the Port Angeles street. "I'm so bored. Why is traffic so horrible?"

"You're the psychic. You tell me," Edward growled. "I'm barely going eighty."

"Barely?"

"Shut up, Bella." Rosalie said. "The only reason I haven't killed you yet - and it's coming soon, because you're so whiney - is because you're the only one that'll listen to Ke$ha and Lady Gaga with me. So be quiet and listen to the music." Rosalie leaned her head back against the leather interior and let Your Love is My Drug swirl inside her head.

"Ah, c'mon, Rose. Let little human Bella complain about the speed," Emmett mocked. "All right there, Bell? You're looking a little green."

Edward, who didn't think to simply look at Bella through Emmett's mind, instantly turned around and grabbed Bella's face between his thumb and pointer finger. "Bella. Bella? Are you all right? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," Bella said, moving her head out of Edward's grasp. "Sheesh. If I were a vampire, you wouldn't even need to ask me. You'd just assume I was wearing weird makeup," she grumbled.

"I will never turn you into a vampire, Bella. Accept it."

"Please, guys. Can't you have this discussion later? This is happy time. Jasper?" They all felt a wave of serenity and bubbliness fall over them. "Now, Bella, are you hungry?"

"I just ate lunch twenty minutes ago, Alice," Bella gently reminded her. At least she was trying. Rosalie wouldn't let her have food if she asked for it. She'd just keep stalling and stalling until Bella died of starvation.

"Oh." Alice seemed surprised. "It seemed longer."

"It seemed... longer?" Bella asked inquisitively. Time was supposed to go faster for vampires, wasn't it?

"Um, yeah. I guess - hey, wait! Do you think - ?"

Bella leaned forward and placed her hand on Alice's forearm. It still felt cold but it also felt... warm. Like it was heating up. Quickly, Bella slid her hand up to Alice's neck. She felt something. Moving. Something beneath Alice's skin, pumping away at a regular pace.

Blood. Alice had a pulse.

"Um. Edward, I think we have a problem?" Bella said uncertainly, making it sound like a question. "I think Alice has been turned into a human."

"Well, that's interesting," Emmett laughed. "Edward won't be so special anymore. Jasper's got himself a human girlfriend. The house is going to be absolutely full of delicious scents... "

"Shut up, Emmett," Edward cautioned. Emmett's mouth snapped closed and they all looked at Jasper. Strangely enough, Jasper looked content, as if he were enjoying Alice's smell instead of wanting to eat her.

"Jasper?" Rosalie said questioningly.

"What? Oh, Edward, I know how you can stand it now. I'm not going to eat you, Alice, don't worry."

It turned out to be a very weird drive into the city for the Cullens and Bella.