A/N My longest highlander fic yet. This has been beta'd by dswdiane, any remaining mistakes are of course mine.
Joe ran a cloth over the bar as the last of the paying customers left, eyeing the redheaded young man rocking backwards and forwards on the balls of his feet.
"Sounds like an invitation to bankruptcy or liver failure to me." Joe complained.
"Come on Joe it'll be fun. Think of all the holes you can fill in, in your chronicles," Richie said.
Joe cast his gaze doubtfully over the other three people at the bar. Methos, the world's oldest man, sat at the other side of the bar happily consuming his 15th beer of the night. He was listening to Amanda and Duncan bicker amicably over the details of a misadventure 200 odd years ago.
"I don't know Rich? Don't you think the rest of us are a bit old for college drinking games? Did the others even say they would play?" Joe asked sceptically
"Mac's in a good mood, Amanda thinks it'll be funny and Methos is up for anything that involves free booze. What'd you say? I've always wanted to see the old man drunk; nobody should be able to put away that much beer and stand up straight. It's not natural, even for us. The rest of us get drunk, eventually he must too."
Joe stared doubtfully at his whiskey stocks "And why are we using my scotch?"
Richie grinned at him "It's research for the watchers; you can probably put it on expenses or something."
"Fine, but you," Joe said as he pointed meaningfully at Methos, "are not allowed to lie."
"Scouts honour." Methos grinned stretching out his legs and slouching into his familiar sprawl. "Though given the rules I might end up drinking you out of house and home."
Amanda shot a quick impish grin at Richie before skipping over to one of the tables. "So are we going to play then? Since this whole thing was your idea Richie, why don't we go youngest to oldest?"
Joe sighed, pulling out a couple of bottles and setting them down as the rest of the group sat around the table. He pulled out a tape recorder and grinned at the four immortals. "Just for the record."
"So - er everyone knows how to play right? We take turns saying something we've never done and everyone who has, has to take a shot and then tell us about it." Richie explained quickly "Except, well you don't have to tell us about every time or anything, and if you want you can say something you have done but then you have to drink too."
"I think we all know how to play 'I have never' Richie," Methos drawled, draining the last of his beer "Although I should point out I don't remember everything I've ever done."
Four sets of eyes turned expectantly to Richie, who frowned in thought. "Okay, then, um, never have I ever ridden a horse." The three older immortals downed their shots quickly, shrugging at the inanity of the question
"Okay Joe, something we don't already know this time please." Amanda pouted.
"All right then, um never ever have I met Jesus Christ."
Five sets of eyes turned to Methos who shrugged innocently as he drained another glass. "What? I wasn't in the area for long. I'm not fond of civil unrest."
"Come on man you can't leave it like that, what was he like? I mean, was he?"
Methos turned his gaze steadily to Joe who trailed off. "Two friends and I noticed some interesting astronomical convergences; we went to investigate and eventually found a baby. We came, we saw, and then we left."
Joe choked. "You were one of the three Magi? Seriously?"
"I was interested in astronomy at the time. Anyway who's next?"
Duncan scowled at the evasion but continued, "I have never…. played this game before."
Four more shots were taken. Joe filling his glass with water (in deference to his unfortunately mortal liver) as the immortals topped their glasses up with more scotch.
Amanda laughed at them. "Okay, if we're going to play this lets get to the fun questions already. Hmm, I have never... slept with triplets."
She grinned as both Methos and Duncan took another drink, looking doubtfully at her. "Seriously I haven't, twins sure and even these sweet quadruplets I was touring with once, but never triplets, go figure. So boys, when? Where?"
"I went drinking at this tavern in Normandy with Fitz and picked up three lovely lasses." Duncan smiled at the memory.
"Oh yes, I remember this story. When you woke up you found they had relieved you of your purses and taken off into the night." Amanda giggled. "How awful. Come on Methos what about you?"
"Hmmm.. there was this party in Rome, terrible food and worse musicians, but the triplets were fun." Methos leaned back happily in his seat to ponder his turn
"Okay then since we're on the topic of sex never ever have I slept with Richie." Methos grinned at Duncan's spluttering as Amanda took a long drink.
Richie scowled unhappily at Methos, but Amanda just shrugged unembarrassed. "What? he's an adult and I can sleep with anyone I want. Are you jealous? That's really sweet."
"Don't you think you're a little old for him?" Macleod asked unhappily
"Oh please. Am I supposed to limit myself to century old immortals? I was just helping with his education."
"Hey," Richie interrupted indignantly, "I'm not a kid, and as far as I know Amanda is a free agent. How did you even know anyway old man?"
"I'm very old and very wise."
"And he saw me leave your apartment," Amanda interrupted. "Your turn again Richie?"
"Fine, since he did it to me, never have I ever slept with a 5000 year old know it all." Methos grinned watching Richie's face as both Mac and Amanda drank. "You, but that's, you slept with Mac? He's a guy."
"You noticed? Obviously you need to have your horizons broadened." Methos said
"No, absolutely not. You will not be broadening his horizons. He has been quite educated enough for one century. Let him find people he likes his own age," Macleod interjected quickly
"Relax. I wasn't offering my services Mac, but I can help find him a nice boy his own age here in Paris if he's curious."
"Hey, I'm quite happy with the ladies. What are you? A pimp?" Richie asked.
"Not this century," Methos stated happily. "And I prefer the term housemaster. My establishments had class."
"It's true. They did, rich class. I miss that place. You always saved me the best customers like that generous and slightly naive young Duke," Amanda practically purred. "I still have a pair of diamond earrings he gave me tucked away. I used the matching bracelet to escape France during the Terror."
"It's a miracle anyone escaped the pair of you with so much as the shirt on their backs," Joe added wryly making a mental note to check Amanda's chronicles to try and work out which bordello they had worked in.
"Of course they did." Methos slouched deeper in his chair. "They don't come back if they feel cheated. Small expensive tokens regularly are far better for business than bankrupting people. I like to keep my clients well satisfied."
"Oh god, someone make them stop. Quick Joe take your turn before he starts giving business lessons," Richie interrupted, he shuddered. "Or worse."
"Okay, okay as interesting as the sex lives of immortals are I've been wondering about this awhile, so never ever have I met Darius." Joe said
Methos returned his glass to the table filling it again with Scotch. "The first time I met him he was still General Darius. A great and powerful man, he could have taken the world and ruled it for centuries. Then of course, he took Tearys at the gates of what is now called Paris. Fools the pair of them. "
Joe pounced (metaphorically of course, even without the alcohol already in his system he didn't tend to do much actual pouncing) on the information. "You knew the 'immortal at the gate?' Do you know how long we have been trying to get information about him?"
"I know Joe. I was a watcher too remember, I don't really know much about him. His name was Tearys, and he had lived in and around what was at the time referred to as Lutetia for most of his life. He had been born in the area back before it was a city at all. I was never sure exactly when." Methos shrugged. "There were no consistent calendars back then. You marked your life by the passing of the seasons and after awhile you just stopped doing that. He lived in Lutetia, and he died for Lutetia. Then, of course, the man who took his head moved in and lived in Lutetia too and there Darius stayed preaching peace to wayward young immortals, playing chess, and brewing terrible beer."
Amanda laughed. "When Rebecca introduced me to him, that was the first thing she warned me of, to never take a drink from him. I think he enjoyed shocking us."
"His nettle ale was passable if you were desperate, but that horrible moss sludge he was working on when he died should have been incinerated as a public health hazard." Methos grinned.
Duncan looked up contemplating Methos. "So Darius just stayed, like Tearys. Was the man I knew really Darius or was he Tearys? Did the quickening just take over?"
Methos shrugged before finally admitting, "There was certainly a lot of Tearys in Darius, but, no, he was still Darius or maybe he was both of them. Darius was more willing to travel than Tearys ever was. You wouldn't have met Tearys on the battlefields. And Tearys was a terrible chess player. I don't really know Macleod. Any way, it's your turn."
"Anyone would think you were trying to change the subject Methos. Oh, all right, then." Duncan, grinned slightly, deciding to change the mood again. He'd ask again later. "I have never hacked into the watchers network and altered the chronicles just to make myself look better."
Methos scowled as he drank. "It was just a tiny little change, I was correcting a reporting error."
"Reporting error, you just didn't want to history to remember you as someone who sleeps with goats."
"Particularly as I didn't. I was tainted by association just because I was in the same general area."
"The same general area of the bedroom." Macleod laughed
"Macleod I'm never telling you anything again. You are about as discrete as a 20 foot billboard. I had no control over what other people in the room chose to do. At least I didn't spend my formative years copulating with sheep."
"I did not. That's a complete lie. You can't believe him, he's just…"
"I don't know, Duncan. It would explain your table manners when we first met." Amanda smirked. "Anyway it's my turn now so stop pouting. Hmmm, I have never made a habit of slipping out the back door whenever my lover's student turned up."
She grinned as Methos drained his glass "Ha I knew it," Amanda said pointing at Methos. "I knew there was another immortal ducking me whenever I came back unexpectedly. That was you lurking when I took my first head wasn't it?"
Methos grinned, tilting his head in brief acknowledgment but didn't give any details.
Amanda smirked "It used to drive me nuts. I knew she was hiding someone. I used to make up all these stories about who it could be and why he never wanted to be seen. I never thought it would be the world's oldest immortal. I thought maybe you were royalty or something protecting your jewels."
"No, just an old immortal protecting his head, and his coins." Methos smiled. "My turn again, never ever have I cried at Wind in the Willows."
Duncan took a sullen gulp of scotch. "I was drunk and it had been a long day and it's a very sad film. Mole couldn't find his home."
"You were inconsolable for over an hour." Methos pointed out. "I've seen six year olds taking the news the family pet died acting with more poise."
"It's Richie's turn," Joe pointed out to head off another argument, smiling at the little tidbit
Richie blinked in confusion, suddenly thrown back into the conversation from which he had been excluded as the older immortals reminisced. He smiled as he thought of a good question. "Er - never have I ever dressed as a woman." He and Joe laughed happily as the three older immortals drank.
"Hey, it was Shakespeare. I'll have you know I was a great Kate." Duncan crossed his arms pretending to be miffed.
"That's not what your chronicle says. According to your watcher, you wanted Kate to be nicer," Joe pointed out with a grin.
Methos laughed happily. "Ahh the theatre, the stage, the crowds. An actor must play his part." He mused leaving his friends to draw their own conclusions.
Joe groaned at the evasion but that was probably all he would get out of the old man. So he took his turn trying to think of another hole in the watchers chronicles he wanted to fill, whilst he was still sober enough to get round the old man.
"Never ever have I been worshipped as a God."
Methos happily drained his glass meeting Macleod's frown with a grin. "You try telling a bunch of superstitious peasants that you are not a God after they witness a quickening. You won't make that mistake twice."
"It probably suited you to be pampered, too." Amanda grinned.
"Well yes, though it wasn't always a good thing. Some of the old rites were rather unpleasant to be involved in," Methos added.
"Were you anyone we would recognise?" Joe asked.
"Hmm.. Yes probably."
"Well, are you going to tell us?" Richie asked impatiently.
"What would be the fun in that? Duncan it's your turn."
"You are really smug and annoying you know?" Duncan said
"That's part of my charm."
"Charm, that's what they're calling it now a days is it? All right my turn. I have never been burnt at the stake."
"Wow, you're cheery today." Methos quipped draining his glass and reaching to refill it. He shuddered. "I wouldn't recommend it. It is not a pleasant way to die."
Amanda smiled like a cat who has got the cream as her turn came again. "Well while we are trying to get Methos drunk.... hmm I have never been thrown out of a circus troop for inappropriate behaviour."
Methos shrugged and drained his drink.
"Geez man, how do you get thrown out of a circus troop for inappropriate behaviour?" Richie asked incredulously. "I've met them, and those guys will do anything."
Amanda giggled. "Well first you sleep with the ring masters wife and then a month later his daughter. He was so angry I thought he might have a heart attack."
Methos smiled lazily leaning back, ignoring Macleod's disapproving look. "My turn," he said with satisfaction.
"You know I get worried when he talks like that," Richie whispered loudly to Mac.
"Relax Richie you're not my target, this time. Never ever have I called Duncan a sheep shagging overgrown moron with his brains in his balls."
Amanda shot Methos a dirty look and threw back another glass. "In my defence you were acting like a fool that day, Duncan. It was just after that little misunderstanding over Gina. Besides Methos has called you much worse." She smiled at Duncan and fluttered her eyelashes seductively. Mac glared at her unhappily just drunk enough to sulk in his corner.
From his seat Methos stretched cat like. "Your turn again Richie," he said sweetly.
Richie scowled. "You're pretty evil you know, old man."
"Wrong century, kid, these days I'm just misunderstood."
Richie frowned wondering what to ask. He had started this game with the hope of seeing Methos drunk which so far didn't seem to be happening. "Never have I ever shot Mac in the back," he said triumphantly
Methos drained his drink happily enough. "You should try it some day kid, it's surprisingly satisfying."
Duncan glared at him but wisely didn't rise to the bait.
*********************************
After awhile the rounds started to blend into each other. As well as a long list of other careers, Methos revealed he used to be in British intelligence, and the KGB. At the same time. Duncan admitted to mistaking Connor for a 'lass,' and Amanda shared unlikely tips on breaking into certain heavily guarded facilities. Richie frowned as he took another drink. It was getting harder to follow what was happening, but he thought that just maybe, Methos was now picking on him. Joe was fading in and out, but none of the older immortals seemed to be affected too much by the alcohol. What he needed was something to get them all to drink.
"Ha, never have I ever believed the world is flat." Richie said in triumph and then stared in bemusement as only Amanda tipped back her glass.
Methos grinned sardonically. "You are obviously not very up on your history Richie. The 'new world' had been discovered over a century before Duncan was born."
"I knew that," Richie declared indignantly. "In fourteen hundred and something two, Columbus sailed the ocean. . ." He frowned trying to remember the last word. "Blue."
"1492," Methos reminded him promptly. "What are you teaching the boy Macleod? Besides the Earth was known to be round long before that. Certain rather dull Greek mathematicians spent most of their lives trying to calculate the circumference, and for the most part got it wrong. As for me, I've always known the Earth was round"
Methos happily ignored the questions from his friends following that startling comment.
Richie scowled unhappily but prodded Joe to wake up and take his turn
"What? Oh yes, never ever have I been a monk."
Methos smiled and tipped back his glass "Monasteries are great places to take a break from the game, and it wasn't so long ago that they were the best places if you wanted to read and study." He frowned slightly "Although being a priest gave you more freedom to move around and interact with people."
"Did that mean you had to swear off alcohol and sex?" Richie asked cackling. He was fairly sure he was drunk. He felt drunk.
"Alcohol, no. Some of the best alcohol of the time would come from monasteries, another bonus of that identity. Sex, yes, in theory. It wasn't exactly rare for that rule to be… bent on occasion, but when necessary I have excellent self control. I'm not stuck in a 19 year old's body. You should ask Macleod about sex in monasteries. He can tell you about his stay in Brother Paul's monastery." Methos grinned at Richie before turning to Macleod.
"And you call me indiscrete," Duncan muttered unhappily
"Come on Mac, we need to keep the old man drinking." Richie prodded his mentor who looked unhappy to be poked in the side but took his turn.
"Well if we're trying to get Methos drunk, I have never been married."
Duncan stared surprised as Amanda drained her drink, too. "It was Manchester eighteen sixty something." she said
"1867," Methos supplied promptly.
"Well aren't you an encyclopaedia of dates today. What do you do spend all day memorising other people's chronicles? Anyway it was a simple choice, I marry him, or he takes my head and really when he put it like that." She gave a little half shrug leaning into Duncan before finishing with satisfaction, "I got a rather permanent divorce last year."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Duncan asked concerned, "I would have helped you."
"Duncan darling, I handled it quite fine myself. Though he was rather upset at having spent thirty years in prison," she said sliding her hand down Duncan's arm to help calm him down. "I'll tell you all about it later, or you could ask the old man over there as he seems to know all about it." She threw a dirty look at Methos where he sat looking amused at her manipulation of Macleod.
Amanda smirked "It's my turn again and I have never had hot sweaty sex with Juan Sanchez Vila-lobos Ramirez." She laughed as Methos downed another glass
"Your loss Amanda," Methos said happily "The man was magnificent and so very open to experimentation. Both of you would have liked him. I would thank Connor for avenging him, but he's already insufferable enough. Besides, I thought you and Rebecca had a fling with him sometime in the 1490's."
"Rebecca did. I wasn't invited." She pouted
Duncan and Methos laughed while Richie blinked at them confused, looking up from the glass at which he had been staring.
"Oh, poor Amanda, feeling left out. Don't worry. I'm sure we can find someway to make up for it," Methos mocked gently
"Hey, old people. Definitely, don't want to know." Richie interrupted quickly, giggling and listing to one side. "Besides it's your turn again old man."
"You all right there Rich? You look almost as bad as Joe here," Macleod asked as he leaned over to prop Richie up again
"I'm fine, just the old man." He waved a hand towards Methos. "He's picking on me. Are you trying to get me drunk?"
"Don't worry kid. I'm not trying to do anything. You, my friend, are drunk." Methos looked at him critically. "I'm thinking another two or maybe three glasses before you pass out."
"I will not. See I'll prove it." Richie indignantly downed two glasses and poured another which he triumphantly swallowed. "See."
"Oh, you're right, of course. Nowhere near. Well, in that case never ever have I been a high school student." Methos grinned nastily.
Richie swayed slightly tossing back another drink. "Itttss my turn now, right?"
"Yes Richie, it's your turn." Duncan said patiently
"Never ever I have…. I never have ever….. I have never worn pink with purple dot things." He slumped forward in his seat.
"Four then. The boy's more resilient than I thought." Methos stretched slightly.
"Pull the other one old man," Amanda said. "Well, I think we can skip Joe's turn he seems to be asleep. So it's just us three then."
Methos gave her a wide eyed Adam Pierson look of total innocence "So it is, imagine that." He leaned forward pressing the stop button on the recorder.
************************
Joe started and stared blearily around the room as he jerked awake again. Richie was slumped on the floor counting the cracks in the wall. On the other side of the table Amanda was draped over Macleod giggling. Methos was slouched on the other side of Mac half smiling to himself amused.
"Four comes after three, Richie, not six," Methos told the younger immortal indulgently.
Joe lifted his head, groaning as the pain reminded him that was 'a bad idea' "God, Adam are you sober?"
Methos smiled at him. "Oh, I wouldn't drive yet, but Mac stopped being able to ask questions about 20 minutes ago. He was the last holdout. The stronger the quickening the faster you burn off poisons." He stood and lifted Macleod by his arm. "Come on, highlander. Lets get drunk and drunker into a cab, and let Joe get some rest." He leaned over to whisper to Joe, "I hope you got some good material for the Watcher's there. Consider it a gift for the society I created."