Bete Noir
Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha.
A/N: Another long-neglected fandom I used to work in during my days of newbie. Inuyasha remembers some unlikely things; bear with it.
Onii-san is big brother, otouto is little brother, oo-aniki is a very respectful way of saying big brother.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Sesshoumaru, you arrogant fuck.
I doubt you remember, but I called you that one day, when we were young. Dad heard and hauled my rump over his lap to spank it so hard I couldn't sit for a day. He warned me that if he ever heard me call you anything but 'onii-san' he'd feed me to Jaken.
Hey, I was a kid. Toad-guy scared me back then.
Guess what, Sesshoumaru? Dad isn't here anymore.
You. Arrogant. Fuck.
Although, I think I wanna change 'arrogant' to 'tragic'. Because, seriously. The way you whine about Dad leaving me Tetsaiga is just that: a fucking teenage tragedy. He loved you best, moron. You were his first-born, his full-blooded demon heir. I know, because remember? He used to let me sleep between him and Mom, and one night when I wasn't quite out he talked about his favorite son to her…
Shit, who am I trying to kid? You won't remember. You won't want to remember, because you hate me so much. Any memory to do with me is a bad one to you—why? God damn it, what did I ever do to you? Why does my whole existence piss you off so badly!
Sesshoumaru.
Onii-san.
I just have one question for you, okay? It's no big deal. A random doubt. The thorn in my side. Something to keep me up at night when Kikyo's bullshit loses its potency.
Why do you let that little girl live with you?
Rin! Rin, you fucking asshole! She's a human, a total and complete human! All this time I thought you hated me for my human blood so why does she get to be with you every! Single! Day! Is it because she saved you? Is that the only reason? Because Sesshoumaru, I'd fight by your side and save your life too, if you'd give me half the chance. Didn't I leap to your defense during that first time with Sesshinki and the whole meido thing? You didn't like me trying to help you. But I saw how every half minute you'd half-glance at your party. It was for Rin, wasn't it?
Sesshoumaru…
It's not that she saved you. You paid her back for that by using Tensaiga to bring her back to life. You're not obliged to protect her further…but you do it anyway.
Of your own volition.
That pisses me off! Do you love her, Sesshoumaru? Does she mean something to you? Is she the little sister you never had?
Did you realize you have a heart, bastard, when you lost it to her?
Cripes, now I sound tragic. Or is that comic? I'm so sad it's kinda funny. I can understand if it's Jaken. I keep old man Myouga around for pretty much the same reasons. But Rin? And Sango's undead little brother? What are you, starting a nursery?
Mom used to say that all older brothers are annoyed by their otouto. She told me to be patient, because apparently you'd love me when we grew up.
Hah!
What a joke!
I don't need you to love me, Sesshoumaru, I stopped expecting so much from you. Would it kill you, though, to acknowledge me as your brother? To not try to murder me and pry my sword from my cold, dead fingers? I don't think that's too much to ask. I don't think you need Tetsaiga. I have faith in Dad—if you needed it, he'd have left you it. But it's my heirloom, my precious memento from him, and I wish you'd fucking accept that and move on.
…Sesshoumaru, do you remember (shit, why do I keep asking you that?) those seven bandit brothers from a while ago? I barely remember their names anymore…Bankotsu, Jakotsu, and the other ones. They weren't real blood brothers, the way you and I are, but they trusted each other. They all called Bankotsu 'oo-aniki'. He took care of them.
I. Was. Jealous.
Not just of them. Kohaku, the way Sango aches for him. Souta, the way Kagome worries for him. Even old lady Kaede—Kikyo was ready to kill me because she thought I'd hurt her baby sister.
And then there's you. My big brother, who just doesn't give a flying fuck whether I live or die. Oh wait, that's wrong: you'd love it if I died. You'd probably piss on my corpse and laugh for the first time in your entire miserable life. That's the only way I'll ever be able to please you, I guess.
You stupid son of a bitch!
Heh. Literally.
How come everyone knows how to look after their sibling except you, brother? How come even criminals know the value of brotherhood but you can cast off blood bonds like so much annoying tinsel? You know the thought that scares me most? That it's not you, it's me. That if you had anyone else for a brother, you'd be okay with it. It scares me to think that you treat Rin and Kohaku with kindness because that would mean it's my fault you can't accept me.
And that is unacceptable.
I'm sick of this, Sesshoumaru. I'm sick of squabbling over swords and I'm sick of being jealous. I'm sick of wondering why you are what you are; sick of wondering when you'll grow up.
I've grown up.
Maybe I was a kid when I was with Kikyo; I can't say. But a lot of me changed, you know. I'm responsible for my friends, I'm responsible for the shikon jewel. I used to be so reckless in a fight, but now I have Kagome to think of. Miroku, Sango, Shippo…they all count on me. I can't waste my time ranting at you, a brother who doesn't even have the courtesy to stop, listen and take it. I have a life. I have work to do.
One last thing, though?
I will never outgrow my hope that one day you'll let me be your little brother, and watch over me as I sleep. No, I know—it's a stupid thing to wait for. Most dreams are. I refuse to stop wanting it, though. I won't let you beat that desire out of me. I will not give up on you, so surprise me one day, okay?
Onii-san.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
I am desperate to write one for Sesshoumaru and call it "Demi Frere" but so, so incapable of avoiding making it sound like a rebuttal to this rant. I can't seem to remember what he thought of Inuyasha but I love that title so I'll try hard to make it work.