Korra's world was constantly being turned upside-down. Nothing was making sense any more. The nightmares were continuing. In her dreams, Amon was coming back for her, ready to take her bending away, ready to hurt her, ready to destroy her.
Her most recent dream was Amon coming to take away her bending, proclaiming "you will be nothing." Korra woke up screaming. As she looked around her empty room she felt alone and hopeless. Everyone loved her… but only because she could bend. Only because she was the avatar. And because of that, bending had become a part of her. It was something she became attached to. It felt like it was the only thing she really had.
She often wondered how many of them would still love her and care about her if she couldn't bend. Who would defend her if she couldn't protect anyone anymore? Would they cast her aside on the streets and leave her to die, calling her worthless? Would she be the laughing stock of the world because of her sudden inability? Who would come back for her and tell her it would be alright? Who would tell her that she was still worth it and still special?
Korra's darkest fear was if she did in fact lose her bending, nobody would care about her at all. She'd be forever alone to fend for herself with no friends and family to ever be there for her. The worst part of that would be forever living with the knowledge that she left her parents who loved her unconditionally and her tribe which she knew so well… all for nothing. She would've gone on this life-changing journey only to realize she should've just stayed home and helped out around the house.
It seemed like some days bending was the only thing Korra still had that made sense. Everything else seemed to be slowly slipping away from her. And the truth was it scared Korra. She didn't want to be alone. Korra longed to be loved. It was something she never outright said but deep down she longed to be appreciated and truly loved by those around her. And some days… it just seemed like quite the opposite was true. The fear that people didn't really love her for who she was and that one event could cause everyone to deem her nothing was something that was eating away at her self-esteem.
Why can't I be loved for being… me? You know, Korra, the girl. Why do I have to be the avatar for people to care about me? This is so… this is so messed up! I don't want the fame and the money! I want to be loved! Why is that the one thing I don't have!
Naga gently licked Korra's arm and nuzzled her way on to Korra's lap. Korra hugged Naga like a teddy bear. Of all the things that had gone wrong and of all the people who would most likely abandon her if the worst happened - Naga would always be there for her. Naga would always come back for her no matter what. Naga would always love her.
Too bad the rest of the world can't be like Naga.
The last dream was still taking a toll on Korra. As she breathed heavily trying to regulate her heartbeat once again she looked at Naga who seemed worried about her. "It's alright Naga," Korra said in between breaths, "it was just a bad dream." She lied but it made her feel better. Somehow she was convinced that if she attempted to minimalize it, it would help her deal with it.
Unfortunately it did quite the opposite at times. Korra desperately tried to shake the vivid memories of the nightmares. But they haunted her wherever she went and she was without escape. They consumed her and she began to live in fear. Amon was someone who she hoped she never had to see again. But she couldn't let others in on that thought. She couldn't let anyone see her scared. Because if she did, they'd see the avatar, the one with all the power in the world, slipping. And their hope and faith in her would be lost. For if the most powerful bender lived in fear of Amon, who else was strong enough to stop him or his revolution?
Korra became recluse. She hated feeling this way. It felt so unlike herself. Usually she was the type of person who was ready to take on the world, fearless to all danger. Quite the opposite to now where she felt vulnerable, helpless and alone. All these feelings welled up inside her causing her to become unusual tame and quiet. And despite Korra's best efforts it was apparent to everyone around her that something was wrong.
More than a couple times she caught Jinora and Ikki staring at her questionably. Afterwards Korra would overhear Ikki quietly ask Jinora if Korra was alright. Jinora would simply shrug mouthing out an "I don't know." She wouldn't know. Korra always wondered if either one of those girls truly understood the complexity of the situation. After all, despite her age, Jinora was only a couple years younger than Aang was when he saved the whole world. And here was Korra, she hadn't even mastered all the elements at seventeen and she was failing miserably at controlling the situation with the Equalists.
"I mean, I barely saved Bolin. Bolin almost became Amon's victim. Almost lost his bending for good. And me?" Korra snorted quietly and ashamed, "Me… I almost didn't save him. My own friend and I could barely save him. What on earth makes me think I'll be able to save the world?"
Korra longed to meet Aang. She just wanted his advice. She wanted to hear his voice. She wanted to know who he really was. All growing up Korra had only heard of Aang as some extraordinary figure who could do it all. It was almost like anything Aang touched became pure gold. Korra understood that Aang was incredible but some days it felt like Aang could do no wrong and that ended up making her feel worse about how she was doing.
Yet somehow, something inside Korra nagged her about her knowledge of Aang. Something within her felt like she had been told the sugar-coated version of the story. Surely he had some screw ups. Surely there were times where he honestly felt like a failure.
"Surely he had to be human like me… I hope." Korra thought as she sighed quietly. She didn't want Tenzin or any of them overhearing her thoughts or depressive sighs. They had enough to worry about on their own without the knowledge that Korra was secretly depressed.
But Korra knew she couldn't talk to Aang yet. She angrily kicked a rock across the walkway as she walked around the island. When she sensed she was truly alone, she had a fit of rage at herself.
"OF COURSE I CAN'T MEET AANG! I'm not spiritual enough. I haven't leveled up. I haven't reached that spiritual alignment that will allow me to be something greater," Korra said with a large dose of angry sarcasm. She could feel herself start to lose it but unlike times before she tried not to convert that anger to firebending. She'd already done enough damage on the island. "Damn this whole avatar thing!" Korra tried to scream without being heard, "I'm all alone to figure this shit out and the one person who could REALLY help me through all this…" Korra paused and let out a frustrated sigh. "I can't even access him because I'm not spiritual. This damn spiritual stuff is going to be the death of m…" Korra abruptly stopped.
The death of me. A vision of Amon grabbing her flashed before her eyes and she staggered backwards, catching herself as she stumbled. Her heart began to race and she hyperventilated. "Amon's going to kill me."
Korra finally calmed herself down and regained her composure. In an attempt to forget everything she walked over in the cool of the night to where most of her airbending training went down and set up a radio. Korra usually found the radio quite calming and after searching for a little while she found some jazz that she absolutely loved. It was reassuring and allowed Korra to find a sense of normal.
She took a deep breath and became determined to focus on something that was important – her airbending. Korra acted out the various airbending training techniques almost in sync with the music. The fact that it was dark allowed her to hide in a way. The cool breeze that came off of the ocean blew ever so slightly which gave a sense of peace. Korra started to become in sync with her environment and the world around her. According to Tenzin, that was a good thing to master as it would help her become a better airbender.
Things were going well. Her mind was wandering away from recent events. "I should really do this more often." Korra thought.
Static came through the radio but Korra ignored it. She was so enveloped with what she was doing that the music had become mere background noise and was no longer a part of what she was doing.
And then she heard it. Like fingernails down a blackboard it pierced through Korra. In an instant Korra's focus and peace was shattered. She froze.
Amon.
Amon came on the radio and declared that despite him being enemy number one the revolution would still succeed. Amon reassured his followers that benders would live in fear.
It was too much for Korra. Any calm and composure she previously possessed was now gone. Sweat poured down her face like she was in a sauna and her body begun to tremble ever so slightly. She was genuinely afraid in a way she had never known before.
In Korra's mind, everything she cared about flashed before her. Tenzin, Ikki, Jinora, everyone she had befriended on Air Temple Island…
Mako and Bolin.
And just like in the dream she visualized Amon ripping all of it away violently saying in his dark and raspy voice "you have nothing. You are nothing."
Korra didn't want to scream out loud but she was screaming inside.
How the hell am I supposed to deal with this? What do I do? Please help me, Aang. Don't leave me and my dear friends to die like this. I want to do the right thing. I really honestly do. I don't want to fail you, Tenzin or society. I want to be everything I'm meant to be. But I can't do it on my own. I need you to guide me, Aang. Please, Aang. Please help me.