WHAT IS THIS. I don't know what this is.
I was watching It's A Wonderful Life and I thought gee wouldn't that make a nice fic. It's only very loosely based on the film but you get the idea.
Also I may stray from canon.
I used Castiel from Supernatural but you don't need to have watched Supernatural to understand his part!
Also there is swearing and trigger warning for suicide.
I don't own Glee or Castiel.
"You know what, Kurt? You're leaving in a few months and I'm going to be stuck in Lima ALONE. Mike is my best friend and he's leaving too. I'm going to be stuck in Lima without you, without anyone I can trust, while you go off to New York and find someone to replace me. Because you will replace me. You're...you're too wonderful to not find someone new." Blaine murmured, his eyes bright with tears, and Kurt wanted to stamp his feet in frustration. How many times did he have to tell Blaine he'd love him forever before he'd believe it?
"For god's sake, Blaine I love you! I love you so much, why would you think I'd even want to replace you?" Kurt snapped, clenching his fists. "God, I just...I just wish you'd grow up and listen to me!"
"How can you-" Blaine began to argue back, but their conversation was forced to a halt when Mr Schuester walked into the choir room with a stack of papers and announced that he'd decided what they were doing for Nationals, which were only a few short weeks away.
Kurt brightened a little and sat up straighter in his seat. Sure his relationship with Blaine appeared to be going down the pan, and he'd had a huge argument with his father earlier, but he was convinced now would finally be his moment. He'd get a competition solo for the first time.
"So what solo am I singing?" Rachel asked, straightening her bangs whilst Kurt gritted his teeth and forced himself not to say anything out loud.
As usual, Santana didn't have the same restraint.
"Berry, even though we all know Mr Schue is going to hand you that solo like handing a prize poodle the first place ribbon at a dog show, do you really have to act like an obnoxious brat about it?" Santana snapped, lacing her ankle around Brittany's and folding her arms across her chest.
Rachel chose to ignore her comment as Mr Schue confirmed that yes, Rachel would be getting a solo. Surprise, surprise.
He then gave the second solo to Quinn, and the third as a duet to Sam and Mercedes.
"Excuse me?" Kurt barked, not meaning to sound as rude as he did, but unable to keep his disbelief on lock.
"Is there a problem, Kurt?" Mr Schue asked, as he handed round sheet music.
"Yes, there's a problem." Kurt replied, feeling like hot lava was running through his veins rather than blood. "I've sat in this choir room and listened to you give other people...other couples solos and duets for three years, and I'm tired of it. I'm leaving this school, and this club in a few weeks and I will be leaving without any form of competition solo, with nothing to show for being in a glee club for three years. But no lets not give Kurt a solo, god forbid he might get ahead of himself."
"Kurt, I'm sorry if you feel like you've been overlooked but I did give you the option to audition for a solo for sectionals with defying gravity." Mr Schue replied, finishing handing out the music and standing in the middle of the room, his brow knitted, unable to solve a problem that didn't involve Finn or writing something on the board and underlining it, Kurt thought cattily.
"You have no idea about that." Kurt hissed, remembering his dropped high F, "and it was three years ago. Rachel gets a solo every single time, and I just..." He sank back into his seat, feeling the fight leave him. "I just feel so irrelevant in this club. I have done for so long. You don't need me. Blaine, you certainly don't need me. None of you do." Kurt picked up his bag and headed down the rafters.
"Wait!" Mr Schue called, at the same time as Kurt heard Blaine say his name shakily.
"No." Kurt replied, turning around to face the group. "I'm just a face, a voice in the background. I'm sure you can find another one to replace me at nationals."
With that he turned and walked out of the room. No one followed him, and it wasn't until he was in his car that he realised tears were pouring down his face.
"No one fucking needs me!" He spat, leaning his head against the steering wheel, his chest tight with pain. "If I never showed up to Glee again they'd never notice me. Blaine can't wait for me to leave and replace him so he can find someone new and all me and Dad do recently is argue." He took a deep breath. "I wish I'd never been born, I wish I didn't exist, everything would be so much better without me."
"Are you quite sure of that?" Kurt jumped a mile, nearly banging his head on the roof of his navigator at the voice that echoed from beside him. He glanced towards the passenger seat, his heart beating an overly fast rhythm in his chest.
An unfamiliar man sat there. He had short brown hair and blue eyes and a chiselled, handsome face. He wore a simple white shirt and back tie, slightly rumpled, with a long beige trench coat over the top, his hands laid calmly on his lap.
"Who the hell are you?" Kurt spat, wiping the tears off his cheeks shakily and narrowing his eyes at the strange man who seemed to have silently and swiftly crept into his car.
"Oh, sorry. I always forget how prudent introductions are to humans." The man held out his hand. "I'm Castiel. I'm an angel of the Lord."
Kurt didn't offer his hand in return, but leaned further away from 'Castiel.'
"Um, ok...Castiel. Where did you come from? Are you ok? What drugs have you been smoking?" He offered instead, holding his car keys firmly in his right hand in case he needed to defend himself. He was pretty sure he could take an eye out of the crazy junkie with the sharp end of his house key if need be.
"I don't follow." Castiel returned, furrowing his brow. "Dean did mention the smoking of certain herbs to relax the senses, but I don't recall using any."
"Ok..." Kurt replied, sensing the man was harmless, if a little deranged. "Look I don't know what you're doing in my car...at my high school, but you should probably leave."
"Oh no, I'm here to see you." Castiel replied, dropping his hand, his eyes boring into Kurt in a way that made him feel more than a little uncomfortable.
"To see me? Why...I don't know you." Kurt muttered, chewing his lip and keeping his grip on his keys.
"No, but I know you. You're Kurt Hummel, you're eighteen years old and you graduate in a few weeks. You're waiting to find out if you've secured a place at college six hundred miles from here in New York. You're gay and you have a boyfriend named Blaine. Your father is called Burt Hummel." Castiel recited, looking somewhat proud. Kurt gripped the keys tighter.
"So you've researched me." Kurt said angrily, "that proves nothing. Other than the fact you're a creep who happens to be very light on his feet."
"I really don't have time for all this preamble." Castiel remarked. "I'm an angel who is here to help you see what life would have been like had you never been born."
"Jesus christ, this is not happening. I am not in some teenage version of it's a wonderful life. I swear to god, you are crazy." Kurt muttered, "I'm ill. I'm having a weird hallucination."
"Look you can sit here and be cynical all day or we can get on with this." The...angel, no NOT an angel...the strange man replied
"You...but I..." Kurt stammered, running a hand over his face. "Look...I just...I'm so tired of being everyone's second best. No one NEEDS me. Not one of them. If you were an angel, which you're not because this isn't a fantasy novel, you wouldn't be able to prove to me that my existence is essential in anyone's life. It's just not true."
"Look, I am an angel. I'd show you my wings but there's no room and I really don't have time. We have a lot to get through and you aren't my only case today, so...can you just trust me here?" Castiel asked, his eyes beseeching.
"No." Kurt folded his arms across his chest.
"Fine." Castiel sighed. "Needs must," and with that he leaned over and placed a hand on Kurt's forehead. Kurt saw an insanely bright light, forcing his eyes closed and felt his body lift up and outwards.
When he opened his eyes he realised they had changed locations.
Just by the man's touch. Kurt felt dizzy.
"What the hell? I...you just..." Kurt found words failed him, they rose in his throat and promptly disappeared. Was the man...was he telling the truth? He felt crazy but you couldn't explain away...that. Dream or not, he'd take the ride, he decided.
"Fine." Kurt snapped, turning to Castiel. "Though I'm yet to admit this isn't some weird fever dream. Fine. If you insist. You're an angel. Now show me how happy and content everyone is without me in their life. What...where am I?" Kurt wrinkled his nose as he glanced around the poorly decorated living area he and Castiel found themselves in.
"I'm surprised you don't recognise the house you grew up in." Castiel remarked, brushing his long trench coat off and walking around a little to examine the room. "Though things are a little different because you don't live here and therefore didn't guide your father in certain home décor ideas."
"Oh my god it's hideous." Kurt blanched as he saw a particularly ugly chair in the corner of the room. "If they didn't have me what kind of kid did they have?"
"Come here, Kurt." He heard a familiar voice, and couldn't help the smile that played on his lips as he saw his father walk into the room. He was followed by a boy around Kurt's own height and weight, though he wore a t shirt and jeans and his hair was scruffy, his eyes the colour of Burt's as apposed to those of Elizabeth's, his late mother's.
"Can they-I mean can they see me? Us?" Kurt stammered, and Castiel shook his head.
"No. You weren't born and I'm an angel. How many more times do I have to specify?" Castiel sighed, and Kurt nodded.
"Ok. Ok fine I get it. I won't ask again. So..." He glanced around. "What now?"
"Just watch and listen." Castiel said, eyes on the two people in front of them.
"What is it, dad?" The boy asked, wandering towards Burt, chewing gum and seeming bored.
"I got a letter from Coach Beiste about the last football match you played." Kurt's father said sternly, taking a seat on the edge of the ugly chair, and Kurt swallowed hard, his heart clenching.
"Case and point, angel face." Kurt snapped, indicating his father. "Dad got the athletic, football loving son he always wanted."
"Wait," Castiel raised a hand, and Kurt tuned back into their conversation.
"Spitting in the other team's captains face, Kurt? Is that really how I raised you, kid?"
"You raised me to play football." This new, strange Kurt snapped back. "I play football. I play it damn well. What more do you want from me?"
"I want you to not fly off the handle when the games don't go your way. Plus I want you to speak to me with a little more respect, kid." Burt rubbed a hand over his chest as if in pain, and Kurt stood up and ran over to his father, the knee jerk reaction to seeing his Dad with chest pain.
"Shit, no he's having heart pains!" Kurt murmured, but his hands, of course, just sliced through his father like he were air, whilst new, weird Kurt barely moved.
"Dad?" New Kurt frowned at Burt. "You ok?"
"Yeah...yeah.." Burt gasped, obviously still in pain as he rubbed the left side of his chest. "Look, just go to your room. You're grounded for a month."
"What the hell? Thanks a lot, dad." His son spat, before slamming out of the room, leaving Burt to collapse on an armchair, clutching his heart.
"Is he crazy?" Kurt spat, waving his arms towards his dad as he looked back to Castiel. "Can he not see our Dad's in pain? Has he not been looking after him? Making sure he eats healthy? Making sure he drinks the low fat beer, making sure we always keep the low sodium salt in, making sure-"
"No." Castiel interrupted loudly. "He hasn't been doing any of those things because he's not you. You may have always had this idea that your father wanted a son more like Finn..more like the abomination we just came across, but ponder this; you are you. You were born from your father, and you look after him, keep him healthy and he loves you. As you are."
"Does dad end up...I dunno..ok? With this son?" Kurt questioned Castiel, who sighed and stared at Kurt pointedly.
"He survives the heart attack but has another just a year later when he fails to keep up a healthy diet." Castiel replied bluntly. "He also never meets Carole Hudson and therefore falls in love with her, since you were the one who introduced them.
"Does he ever find anyone else?" Kurt muttered, and Castiel shook his head.
"No, Kurt. And he never fully recovers from the second heart attack."
"I..." Kurt mumbled, but he barely had time to process the information before the room around him began to swirl, until the décor had changed completely, and he realised Castiel's hand was on his forehead once again, the light blinding and bright once again making black circles pop in his vision.
"Sorry but we're on a tight schedule." Castiel snapped briskly, as Kurt glanced around the new surroundings.
"Oh god." Kurt said, glancing around the room he didn't know. However he knew the colour scheme. There was only one person in the world who would go for that sort of heinous decorating. Yellow and pink? In what universe was yellow and pink a good colour combination? "We're in..."
"Rachel Berry's house. The year 2022." Castiel finished for him, glancing around at the room with a wrinkled nose.
"I wasn't born and I still can't escape her." Kurt muttered, just as the door flew open.
"I'm home!" Rachel didn't so much say the words as sing them very loudly, her arms outstretched as if she were facing a broadway audience and not an empty room.
"Oh my god." Kurt muttered, as he took in Rachel's appearance. She wore a bright green dress, white tights, yellow button over shoes and a white feather boa, her hair piled on top of her head as she stretched her arms out.
"It hurts my eyes." Castiel said, rubbing them discontentedly.
"You and me both." Kurt replied, glancing over at where Rachel was examining herself in the mirror.
"I feel prettyyyyy, oh so prettyyyyy," she crooned at her reflection, before turning away from the mirror. "BABE?"
"Coming sweetheart!" Came the voice, and Kurt's stomach dropped. Oh no. Oh holy hell.
Finn walked in to the room, carrying what looked like eight shopping bags and a little yellow purse draped over his arm.
"Oh my god he's turned into Rachel's bitch." Kurt muttered, as he and Castiel surveyed the scene.
"If only there was a person brave and clever enough to warn him about turning into the guy who only lived to carry her purse. Oh wait. THERE WAS. He just wasn't born." Castiel snapped, eyeing Kurt with judgement.
"And how do you explain her Mariah-esque behaviour?" Kurt snapped, glancing over at where Rachel was applying the most hideous plum coloured lipstick whilst blowing herself kisses.
"I don't know who Mariah is but the Rachel you know is the one you kept grounded, Kurt." Castiel replied with a shrug, and Kurt blanched. The Rachel he'd always complained about was actually a toned down version, holy shit.
"What do you want me to do?" Finn asked submissively, and Rachel turned on her stool.
"Put my stuff away and then make me some dinner. Vegan burgers would be nice." Rachel replied, winking at her...husband? Boyfriend? Man slave? Before returning to her own reflection.
"Of course, Rachel." Finn replied, beginning to stack away her shopping.
"Oh god I can't watch this anymore, it's like making a puppy do your laundry." Kurt said faintly, and Castiel nodded.
"Just appreciate what you did for these two. You say you wish you weren't born, that everyone would be ok without you, but you kept Rachel grounded without squashing her dreams, and you made Finn aware it was ok to have some dreams of his own." Castiel replied, and before Kurt could reply he'd raised his hand once again to Kurt's forehead, the location changing in a flash once again.
"D-Dalton?" he stammered, glancing around at the boys in blazers around him, all heading for the same place.
"Dalton." Castiel replied, glancing around at the boys.
For the first time since he and Castiel had been in the...scenarios? Visions? Dreams? Kurt found there was something pulling him. He glanced at Castiel for approval, who nodded somewhat sagely.
"Follow your instinct, Kurt Hummel." Castiel replied. "You lead. I follow."
So he walked down the hall and towards the elaborate winding staircase of Dalton Academy. Something felt familiar. Not just the school, of course, which he'd spent months in and knew pretty well. The day felt familiar.
He walked down the stairs amongst the crush of boys who appeared to walk right through him, and shivered at the strange feeling that evoked.
"The sensation is odd, but it won't hurt you. Don't worry." Castiel remarked.
Kurt nodded and carried on down the stairs until the back of a head caught his eye.
"Hang on..." He murmured, increasing his pace until he'd reached the boy he wanted to see. He was right. He knew that gelled mop of hair anywhere, knew those shoulders, that stance, that hand holding his grandfather's pocket watch. "Blaine!"
Castiel coughed from behind him, and Kurt turned around to see the angel looking somewhat exasperated.
"Sorry." Kurt mumbled, following Blaine quickly down the stairs until he was level with him.
Blaine looked...different. His face looked hollow and empty and his eyes were deadened. But Kurt was SURE this was the first day they'd met, everything seemed so familiar. But on the day they'd met, Blaine's hazel eyes had been alive with...just bright. His face had been animated, his smile had been wide, because Kurt remembered falling for the smile almost before falling for the boy.
He remembered touching Blaine's hand and feeling a sense of relief, like a weight lifted. A change in the weather.
This Blaine looked like he'd never smile again. Kurt followed him as they made their way towards the senior commons, already full of warblers. He stood in the doorway of the room with Castiel and watched Blaine shrug his shoulder bag off and heard the familiar opening of the song he knew better than he knew any other.
Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum.
"This is...we're in the day we first met." Kurt breathed, and he saw Castiel roll his eyes to the high ceiling.
"Ding ding we have a winner." Castiel replied.
"I thought angels weren't sarcastic, just sort of ethereal and holy." Kurt snapped in reply, and Castiel shook his head.
"Most are. But I've got these human friends. They're brothers and they love their sarcasm. They've been teaching me." Castiel puffed up proudly, obviously pleased with himself.
Kurt turned his attention back to the warblers, and almost gasped aloud as he looked at Blaine. He remembered when he watched the performance of teenage dream the first time, remembered how Blaine came to life, how he...he shone from the inside out, how Kurt had never seen anyone put more into such a stupid cheesy pop song as Blaine Anderson did that day.
This Blaine didn't seem to give a shit. Sure, he hit all the notes and his voice was impressive, but it was empty. There was nothing behind the song, Blaine was giving nothing more than a technically good rendition of the number.
He didn't meet anyone's eyes, he simply sung and kept in step with the other guys all the way through. Kurt wanted to yell and scream at Blaine that he was there. It felt strange, being in a room with Blaine and not having Blaine's eyes light up when he saw him. It felt off balance.
He watched Blaine smile faintly as he was praised for his performance, but the light never touched his eyes like it usually did.
"Why is he so...empty?" Kurt voice the first question he could think of, turning to Castiel.
"You need to see more. Then we can talk, Kurt."
Kurt sighed and turned back to Blaine, who was pulling his bag onto his shoulder and walking briskly out of the room. Kurt and Castiel followed, and after climbing several flights of stairs they found themselves in Blaine's single dorm room.
Blaine slammed the door but they simply wafted through it in their weird ghostly way. Kurt found the sensation was becoming slightly more normal.
He followed as Blaine threw his bag down and sat down on the bed, upsetting the gel in his hair as he dragged his trembling hands through it. He sat like that for several minutes as Kurt ached to comfort Blaine.
After a few minutes Blaine stood up and walked over to the sink, which had a mirrored medicine cabinet over it that Kurt knew well. He'd spent more than a few days and evenings in Blaine's Dalton dorm before he'd transferred back to McKinley. Non boarders were allowed to spend scheduled time in other's, as long as it was before curfew.
Blaine gripped the edges of the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. Then he spoke for the first time.
"Please." He whispered, his voice broken. "Please."
"Please what..." Kurt mumbled out loud, but of course Blaine ignored him.
"Please...just give me something to hold on to." Blaine whispered, tears pooling in his eyes. "I've had...last night I had this dream, and it wasn't specific but I just felt like today...today would be the day my last hope would show up. I was stupid." Blaine hung his head, and Kurt felt his chest constrict painfully. With shaking hands Blaine opened up the medicine cabinet and pulled out two large packets of pills.
He walked over to the desk and placed them there, then pulled several sheets of notepaper out of the desk drawer. Kurt glanced at the writing on the top one.
Dear Mom, Dad and Cooper,
"No." Kurt suddenly realised what was happening, felt a shift in his world, felt like his heart was crumbling, like someone had turned his world upside down. "NO. No, he isn't. No. Castiel! Stop him, stop him for god's sake PLEASE."
"I can't stop him." Castiel replied calmly. "This happened, Kurt. Blaine Anderson committed suicide on November 11th 2010."
"He can't!" Kurt walked over to Blaine and attempted to shake him, his ethereal hands sliding straight through Blaine's blazer. "Stop it! Blaine it's Kurt! Stop it now, don't you dare do that to yourself, don't you dare. You have everything to live for, please baby don't!"
It was useless of course, Blaine couldn't see, feel or hear Kurt.
"I thought this would feel different." Blaine murmured. "I thought there'd be one last pull to live. But there isn't." He sat down at his desk, pulling a handle of vodka out from behind the stack of books there, and began to open the packet of Tylenol with trembling fingers.
"NO!" Kurt screamed, closing his eyes, and when he opened them again, he realised they were no longer in Blaine's dorm room.
He felt like he was made of jello, his entire body trembling erratically. Castiel must have seen it too, because he clicked his fingers and suddenly Kurt found himself sitting.
"I've heard humans can faint." Castiel said as way of explanation, taking a seat beside Kurt.
"He...he.." The lips dropped from Kurt's numb lips.
"He died." Castiel confirmed, his eyes gentle.
"Why did he do it?" Kurt whispered, his voice hoarse.
"Why does anyone commit suicide?" Castiel replied. "He felt like he had nothing, or no one to live for."
"So you're saying...that day...when I spied on the warblers..?" Kurt managed to spit out, his head boggling. He'd spent the last two years thinking that Blaine had saved him from what felt like a fate worse than death. To discover that he'd...saved Blaine?
"Yes." Castiel replied bluntly. "Have you misunderstood the point of why I'm here? I'm concerned you have."
"But I'm just...I'm just me. This one person. How could I have had so much effect?" Kurt replied, chewing his lip. "Blaine deserves to live whether or not I was ever born."
"That may be so, but Blaine was suffering before you found him. He had all these deep scars from years of bullying. From this nasty attack he suffered at the hands of four other people." Castiel said, folding his hands in his lap.
"You know about that?" Kurt stammered dumbly, and Castiel rolled his eyes.
"I know everything, I'm an angel." He replied. "But yes, especially that. I was in heaven when he was sent up."
"He died..?" Kurt replied.
"Not quite. They lost him on the operating table for a good minute or two. Long enough for him to be sent up. Then they used those violent paddle shock things and he was dragged back to earth." Castiel said. "Those doctors are barbaric. Clever, but barbaric. All the things Blaine went through took a toll on him. That day he'd planned to take his own life. He'd had it planned for weeks before."
"Then I showed up.." Kurt whispered, his heart clenching.
"You did."
Kurt ran a hand over his face and glanced up at Castiel. "I never knew."
"You humans never do. It takes a marching band, a parade and a slap in the face for you to realise what's right in front of you." Castiel sighed, his voice long suffering, before putting his hand once more to Kurt's forehead.
"I prefer it when you give me warning!" Kurt snapped.
"I apologise. But this is the last stop." Castiel replied, as Kurt looked around.
"Where are we?" Kurt frowned, looking at the surroundings.
"The last stop." Castiel repeated. "The point of this was not just to show you how many lives you've touched and saved, but how much you still have to give. You were made the way you are for a reason, you have so much to offer.
"Your existence matters, Kurt. It matters to not just your friends and your family but to every person you've ever met. It matters to the girl whose arm you grabbed when you were fifteen and she nearly crossed the road without looking. It matters to the Anderson's, who would have lost a son, a brother, a nephew, a grandson without you. It matters to every person who has ever been touched by your voice. It matters to Dave Karofsky, who you were there for when he needed someone the most."
Castiel took a breath. "The point of this was to show you how much you matter. How incredibly important your existence is to this planet. Humans have this misconception that they are one speck on a huge universe. And it's true, you are. But without all of you, without every single speck that's on this earth for a reason, it would crumble."
"This is the last stop." Castiel repeated. "This is the show choir nationals competition, Chicago, 2012. You have a choice. Either you step out on to that stage and sing, or you can take what you wished for. You can not be born. The choice is yours."
"So would glee club...not have got to nationals without me?" Kurt replied, and Castiel laughed.
"Kurt, the glee club fell apart after two months. No one could bear to be in a confined space with Rachel for more than two minutes at a time, they needed your voice. They needed you." Castiel replied softly.
Kurt took a deep breath, and took a step forward, towards the stage. "Will I know what to do?" He asked, and Castiel nodded. "I...thank you." Kurt mumbled to the angel, who smiled back at him.
"Good luck, Kurt Hummel." Castiel replied, before walking away and melting into nothing in front of Kurt's very eyes.
Kurt shook his head and turned towards the stage and walked out, the applause hitting him like a warm breeze. He glanced over and saw the rest of the New Directions standing in choir format, smiling encouragingly at him as the opening bars of a song started up, waiting for him to sing.
Then he saw Blaine walking towards him, beginning to sing the song, eyes alive, smiling that smile that Kurt fell in love with every time he saw it, since the very first time he saw it.
I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words how wonderful life is when you're in the world.