"A Holy Warrior in Zarneo"
By Nidonemo
It was the wee hours of the morning, the sun had just began to peek its head over the high cliffs that surround Zarneo when a loud pounding came from behind the gigantic town gate. Booker snapped out of his light slumber and wiped away a spot of drool at the corner of his jowls when he spotted Copper, diligent and fierce, already in an offensive fighting pose, staff at the ready as he stared unflinchingly at the gate door.
"Sir...should we...?" Booker whispered, nervously clutching at his wooden staff. Copper hissed for him to be silent, and Booker stood up straight. Copper then slowly inched closer to the door.
"INTRUDER! STATE YOUR BUSINESS!" he barked loudly, startling Booker off his feet.
"I am on a mission! Let me in this instant!" came a shrill voice from the other side.
"Not until you state your business, stranger! If you have none, leave this very moment or I will be forced to-"
"I am on a holy crusade! To save the lives and souls of millions! You must let me in or are YOU one of the demonically possessed!?" came the voice again, piercing the ears of Booker, who grit his teeth and tried his best to keep from trembling.
"I assure you, madam I am of sound mind and body! What crusade do you speak of? I have not heard any word of war! Turn back now! We do not wish for your violence! Holy or otherwise!" barked Copper once more, his patience as thin as rice paper.
The pounding stopped and the voice went silent. Booker relaxed and opened an eye to see Copper still as tense and ready.
"Violence? Oh my no...I bring no violence with me today sir. I bring the word of salvation for your residents and neighbors!" the voice said, now a bit calmer and faintly sweet.
Copper relaxed a little, but kept his eyes trained on the door.
"Do you have business with someone in particular within these walls? If not..." he trailed off.
"Oh yes! I do! One moment!" the voice answered. There was the muffled sound of paper rustling on the other side and a long pause. "Here it is! I am here to visit..."
Booker and Copper waited for the answer, a few tense moments passed before...
"Zach! Zach of the town of Zarneo!"
About halfway into the afternoon is when the real mess started.
There was a crash and a shrill cry from outside, much like a war scream, or a murderous bloodcurdling screech. A pair of bloodshot eyes shot open and narrowed, they belonged to Zarneo's first human, and exhausted, resident Zach. Yet another yell shot through the air and, much to Zach's confusion, it wasn't coming from him this time. The Zarneo resident threw on an old Fresh Shirt and groggily made his way outside to meet up with Gail, Weston, and Goose who were already waiting near the front door.
"What the hell is all this fucking noise? Who woke me up?" Zach growled.
Goose looked shocked.
"Zach! You're not the one doing this?" The chicken asked, worried sweat streaming down his feathered head.
"For once..." Gail said jokingly, and then her expression turned serious. "...but that just worries me even more."
Weston nodded and the sun glanced off his pilot shades.
"If we have someone who can rival Zach in noise and destruction, then we have a major problem on our hands." he said, his bunny hood ears wiggling in the air with each small nod.
As Weston finished his sentence, another crash and shrill cry rose up from the distance. Zach yawned and angrily made his way toward it.
"I'll take care of it then...smartasses..." he snapped.
As Zach made his way towards the most recent crashing noise, he noticed a large number of stumps along the way. Someone was cutting down trees and making a huge mess. Now destruction was one thing, but when people didn't clean up the mess soon after, that really pissed Zach off.
"Stupid moron, leaving all the bodies behind. What a slob." he snarled as he stamped through the stump field.
It was then that Zach spotted someone running up and down the field of stumps, waving a book in the air and spouting something completely unintelligible into the sky.
"AT LEAST WIPE UP THE BLOOD FROM YOUR MASSACRES SO THE NEXT PERSON CAN ENJOY THEIR HANDIWORK! YOU INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE" he screamed at the stranger in the distance.
The stranger stopped and whirled around, then ran up to Zach at full speed.
"Are you?!" the stranger called out to him as they ran, "Are you!?"
Zach sighed angrily, and crossed his arms. The stranger slowed as they neared him.
"Are you Zach...of Zarneo?"
It was a very large and fat woman. Brown hair, curly but tousled and messy from all the running she did. She wore a muumuu that was bright and hideously colored as if it were designed by a blind child on a sugar high. Sweat slid off her face like grease on a frying pan.
"My name is Zach..." Zach answered, as polite as an angry and sleep deprived, often violent person could answer.
The woman didn't waste a second; she slammed her book down on his forehead and started spouting nonsense words into the air.
"OW! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU FAT CUNT!?" Zach screamed, kicking the woman in her massive stomach.
In the distance Goose, Gail and Weston looked on at the scene. Goose turned to Gail, a curious and confused look in his eye.
"Hey Gail, what's a c-" the chicken started to ask.
"Nothing you need to worry about...and don't you dare say that word ever again." Gail said sternly, not taking her eyes off of Zach.
The fat woman vomited in response to the massive kick she received not two seconds before.
"Ugh, you're disgusting!" Zach snarled, rubbing his head. "What the hell are you doing here and what do you want?"
The fat woman fell to the ground and rolled on her side, heaving in pain and gasping for air. Zach rolled his eyes. It wasn't until she took a small bottle note out of her dress that he showed slight interest.
"You...wrote this...?" she gasped again, holding the little note in the air. Zach snatched it from her chubby hands and read it.
Dear some stranger,
Dirty kinky buttsecks. Farty lardy diaper babies.
I wave my ass in your face, and then I poot.
Sniff my butt and kiss it! Come and kiss my butt!
Zach of Zarneo!
Zach pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head.
"Oh man I have GOT to stop writing letters when I haven't slept in four days and I'm on my final wind. I don't even remember that night at all." he said.
The fat woman rolled back onto her chest and rose to her feet.
"I received that yesterday...and I wanted to meet the man responsible...my name is Brie and I'm with the-" she heaved, but Zach cut her off.
"Listen, I don't care what your name is, or who you're with, stinky cheese lady. All I care about is you leaving, and me getting some sleep. Now go away before you really start pissing me off."
Zach snapped, tossing the letter behind him and starting to walk away.
"I will never leave! Not until I can cleanse this sinful land of the heretics and the heathens and the filthy homosexuals!" she screamed, losing her balance and collapsing back on her butt.
Zach stopped dead in his tracks, in the distance Weston sighed heavily and Gail shook her head.
"Ohhhh great, now she's gone and done it..." Weston said, Gail nodding in disappointed agreement.
Zach turned back to Brie and glared death into her eyes. He stomped back up to her, standing over her, his shadow encompassing Brie's large frame. She squinted up into his fierce gaze.
"So...we're back to this age-old bullshit, aren't we? Can't stand people being different can you?
Can't even fathom people leading happy and full lives without your 'teachings' and your 'preaching' huh?! Can't even look me in the eye and see me as being just as human as you!? IS THAT IT!? IS IT, FAT ASS!?" he screamed as he shook her by the collar.
"Get your dirty sinful hands off of me you heathen faggot!" she screamed, flailing about.
"OH LORD IN HEAVEN! SAVE ME FROM THIS BEAST!"
Gail rolled her eyes.
"Using the F-word no doubt...not like she had a chance, but now she's gone and blown it." she said, shifting her weight.
By now a small crowd had began to build behind the original three. Stitches, Melba and Curly had joined the group and watched the scene unfolding before their eyes.
"It's a shame Cube moved away, he would have loved this." Weston sighed.
Zach stopped shaking her and glared daggers into her face.
"Did you just say what I think you just said?!" he hissed. She continued to struggle and flail about, so he hurled her to the ground and slammed her into the dirt.
Brie struggled to get to her feet, but Zach stamped a foot in the middle of her back and forced her back down.
"Lord in heaven, save me from-" Brie started.
"SILENCE!" Zach screamed, kicking her in the back of her head. "If I were your god I wouldn't listen to a hate-spewing shit pile like you!"
Zach then kicked her again and pushed her into the river with his foot. She resurfaced a few yards downstream and struggled to get out of the water. Zach headed down the path, and the growing audience followed at a safe distance. A brown horse raced up and joined the group.
"What's going on? What I miss?" he asked.
"God Warrior, Buck. Zach's taking care of it." Stitches answered.
"Oh wow! Another one?! Did she say the F-word yet, pardner?!" Buck asked, excitedly.
"Ages ago, you missed it!" piped up Goose from the back.
"Aww man!" Buck said, kicking the dirt as they ran along to keep up.
Brie had finally crawled out of the river and flopped over a fresh stump, gasping and heaving for air under her gargantuan weight. Zach wasted no time and lifted her head by her hair.
"Now, what do we say to people whom we've come to visit, completely unannounced, defiled their home, and called them very nasty names in the course for unified bigotry?" Zach asked, calmly.
"I DON'T ANSWER TO HEATHEN FAGGOTS!" Brie screamed, as she struggled again, kicking and flailing her arms to get free.
"Ohh! Ohh! She said it again!" squealed someone in the audience.
"Wrong answer." Zach replied, and proceeded to slam her head into the stump repeatedly, harder and harder each time.
"Ohh head slams!" shrieked an excited voice from the crowd.
By now the whole neighborhood had joined, including Redd who happened to be in town that day, and Resetti who could hear the excitement from deep underground.
"You see...this is how I see it." Zach said, pausing between a particularly violent slam.
"I'm a nice guy. I live a simple, carefree life in this nice small town. I live with some good, loving and friendly room mates. Caring neighbors who are always delighted to see me. I plant trees, I plant flowers, and I buy furniture whenever I feel the need to redecorate, catch bugs and fish for the museum..."
Zach paused and looked behind him, noticing the huge crowd.
"I ALSO TRY TO DONATE ART WHEN I CAN AND WHEN IT ISN'T COUNTERFEIT UPON EXPECTION!" he screamed at them. Redd gulped nervously.
"...and for the most part everyone likes me. I'm nice to them, and they're nice to me. What else really matters in the long run, huh?" Zach asked looking into the bloodied face of Brie.
"You...have..." she gurgled, a large blood bubble coming out of her broken nose.
"Whaaaat? I have what?" Zach asked.
"You need...to have...god..." she gasped, "...heretic..."
Zach slammed her head into the stump one final time and stood up.
"That's a load of horseshit if I ever heard it." he snorted. "Before you came here, none of those animals over in that crowd had ever heard of your god. They live life carefree and happy. Why would you DARE take that away from them!?" Zach said, hands on his hips.
He walked around and squatted to glare in her face again. Brie simply lifted her head and shook it, in defiance.
"People like you live lives of fear and loathing since childhood! You're taught to hate people who don't conform to your rules, and taught to convert those who don't yet! You slide into people's lives when they are at their most vulnerable and then spout all this nonsense about hope and love coming from a guy who cast two people out of a garden for listening to a snake, and eating a fucking piece of fruit!" he shouted into her face.
Brie then reached into her muumuu and took out a small book, weathered from use with a small cross on it. Zach snatched it from her hands and took a single glance at it and then laughed.
"That's...the word of god...heathen..." Brie heaved.
Zach hurled it at Brie, hitting her in the head.
"Again, horseshit. That thing was taken apart all through history, following that would be like following an instruction manual pieced together from seven different companies for seven different products, and then mistranslated through twelve different languages. All that thing is good for is a quick scan and gleaning. Never anything factual or solid. What you hold in your fat little hands is nothing more than a story book that has been pushed through hundreds of "content filters" over a large amount of time." Zach stated.
Brie lay there, drooling blood as she watched the boy walk away. But he stopped a moment and sighed.
"I know what you're thinking...he's wrong, he's stupid, he knows nothing about God or heaven or Jesus or whatever...you're always scared of science and technological progress. Worried that God may very well be an invention of man himself. So you hide in your little boxes of fear, rereading your books over and over again in an attempt to make it all seem true and real." He stated, looking upwards into the sky.
"Besides, why would anyone believe an imperfect being anyway? Can an imperfect being really preach the word of a perfect entity? Hardly. Too many corrupting factors like greed, selfishness, and arrogance to get in the way. Live life and be nice to people. That's all you really need to do. It's just that simple." Zach huffed, and began to walk away.
"B...but you...did this...to me..." gurgled Brie.
Zach smiled and glared back at her.
"Who hit me over the head with her stupid bible first?" he grinned.
That was the last thing Brie ever saw that day. She soon passed out from the loss of blood. Zach went home and went to bed. The crowd dispersed. Then Copper and Booker were called to take care of the body.
End