TO TELL THE TRUTH
Rain. That's the first thing I hear when I open my eyes. In my half-asleep, half-awake stupor, I think it's almost morning, but all I see is darkness. I wasn't too surprised, with daylight-savings time being over and all, but when I look at my alarm clock, it says 3:27. This makes--God, how many times have I woken up and found it impossible to go back to sleep this week? Three? Four? Damned if I know. All I do know is that I'm dreading the day Logan and Mary Anne will be in Stoneybrook for Christmas vacation. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Mary Anne to death, and I love Logan. After all, he's my big brother, my best friend, my hero. But still, I couldn't bear facing them and telling them what I knew I had to tell them.
Oh, I guess you're probably wondering what it is I have to tell them, right? Well, I'll tell you then, and this is something I've hardly told anyone, except for Mom, Dad and Kerry: I'm gay.
How can I tell them? It's not as easy as you would think. In fact, I still remember the first time I found this out. It was the last week of summer vacation, and me and a bunch of my friends, including Jamie Newton, Johnny Hobart, and Archie Rodowsky were at the community pool. Johnny was off somewhere with Claire Pike (my guess was one of the lifeguards was chewing them out again for being too--what's the word?--affectionate), and Jamie and Archie were watching the girls pass by and talking about who looks better in--or out of--their bikinis, like all guys my age do. I, on the other hand, was paying more attention to my copy of Z for Zachariah, which was on my school's summer reading list. Or, I was trying to pay attention to it. Jamie kept nudging me and trying to get me to look at the girls, but to me, there was no point. They all looked pretty much the same, and none of them would ever in a million years be caught dead with a skinny, asthmatic dork like me anyway, so why waste my time?
After a while, the four of us were headed toward the locker room to change, because we had to be home by sunset. Is it just me, or are mothers usually this overprotective?
Anyway, it wasn't until after we'd left the pool and were on our way home that I found myself looking in Jamie's direction. He and I were always good buddies, but on this day, my mind started overflowing with thoughts of holding him in my arms. He's always told me about how he wished he had the guts to do that to Myriah Perkins, and I always encouraged him to just tell her how he felt. I mean, he is my friend, right?
The three of us stopped at the intersection near the Hobarts', which was Mary Anne's old house. Johnny had already started pedaling that way, but I didn't see him. In fact, I was trying to get my mind off of what I was feeling. The next thing I knew, I was watching my hand very gently touching him, first on the string bracelet Myriah had made for him for Valentine's Day, then over his forearm and up to his shoulder. It was when I started touching his face and hair that he quickly jumped off his bike and turned to look at me.
Never in my whole life did I want to disappear more than I did then.
Jamie looked at me in shock, like I'd just pulled a knife on him. I wanted to apologize so badly for how I was acting toward him, but the thoughts I was having wouldn't let me. To be perfectly honest with you, if I were Jamie, I'd be screaming my head off at me and demanding to know just what the hell was going on.
And after seeing the look on my face, that's exactly what he did.
At this point, he'd already put two and two together and figured me out. I tried and tried to tell him I was sorry I'd scared him like that, and how confused I was with what was going on with me, but he wasn't about to listen. On the upside, Archie hadn't caught up with us yet, and Jamie somehow found it within himself not to hit me or call me a faggot, but he was still pretty pissed.
After he finished yelling at me, he got back on his bike and rode away as fast as he could. Embarrassed and ashamed, I held my head in my hands and started crying. I felt horrible. How could I have done this? Why didn't I know this about myself sooner? And why did Jamie get so bent out of shape?
I guess Archie had heard what was going on, because when I looked up, I saw him standing beside me with his arms folded. I could tell he wasn't too happy himself, but at least he wasn't as freaked out as Jamie had been. He put his arms around me, and after a minute or so of trying to comfort me, we headed for home.
As we rode our bikes through the growing quietness of the town, I realized that sooner or later, I'd have to tell Mom and Dad, and if Jamie's reaction was what it had been, I didin't even want to think about how they'd take it. But I had to tell them. And I knew it.
When I got home and put my bike in the garage, I looked up at the kitchen door, where Mom was cooking dinner. I could hardly even bring myself to go into the damn house, and it took me a good five minutes or so before I could actually put one foot in front of the other, but I eventually made it inside.
I guess Mom and Dad noticed how quiet I was all through dinner, because they asked to talk to me in the living room shortly thereafter. I didn't even bother asking what they wanted to talk to me about, so I went with them.
After a few moments, I told them.
You know what? They didn't even get mad at me, but I could tell they weren't exactly thrilled, either. But still, I just lost it. I mean totally. I hadn't cried this much since Gramma Bruno's funeral last fall.
Mom looked me in the eye. I could tell she was crying, too. She told me she and Dad would still love me no matter what, and if I ever needed someone to talk to, she'd always be there for me. Dad said pretty much the same thing, and he also warned me to just be careful out there. Then he held both Mom and me in his arms and let us cry for as long as we needed to.
Which brings me back to where I am now. I knew I was going to have to tell Logan, and I was scared to death about how he would take it. Mary Anne, I knew would take it pretty well, because she was always the one I could come to whenever I couldn't tell my family or friends something. She was always such a wonderful sitter when I was little, and I'm so glad to have her for a sister-in-law.
At any rate, when they do come, there's not going to be any way out of this except to tell them the truth.