Snowball Fight
Author's note: Yes, I know. I'm making a story about a snowball fight in early June. Does this make sense? Answer: Hell no. Does it need to? Answer: Your's to decide. Yes, I know the 3rd chapter of Never Felt Anything hasn't come out yet. Frankly, I doubt anyone really cares. Whatever, enough of my self-pity party. Time for the randomness to begin! WHO WILL WIN!?
BEGIN!! X3
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!"
"Salem, there's no need to go psycho. It's a snowball fight, not World War II," Ichigo said while making that weird motion with his hands people seem to make whenever they're trying to tell you that you're overreacting.
"Quiet soldier! War is war, no matter the form! No being soft!" The two of us were hiding behind a make-shift fortress of snow from Shuuhei. The boy was fast and was whipping snowballs of death at us. Meaning all snowballs were going over fifty miles a freaking hour. I was outfitted in a white snowsuit with a scarf, ear muffs, goggles, gloves...the works. As a matter of freaking fact, I would've blended in with the snow completely if it weren't for my crimson eyes and bags under my crimson eyes. Ichigo was wearing a black snowsuit, red scarf, red gloves, red goggles...as you can plainly tell, I forced all of that on him.
"Feel the wrath of my snowballs!!" I rolled my eyes at Shuuhei's battle cry. And please perverts, leave the comments to yourself.
Ichigo was scowling but turned to look at me."Salem, if your the author, why don't you give yourself a High-Tech Snowball bazooka or something?"
"Now now Ichigo, that would be cheating. Salem-sama doesn't cheat," I explained while shaking my finger."Cheating in a snowball fight is a big no-no." Ichigo scowled at me. I couldn't blame him. After all, we were hiding for our freaking lives. Yes, I say freaking a LOT."Don't worry, Ichigo-kun! I have a master plan that can easily be explained with this diagram."
"What dia-"
I slammed I diagram right in front of his face and pulled out my handy-dandy pointer stick."Here's the run down, soldier. I'll roll out and open fire. You use Zangetsu to blast this fortress to smithereens. Now, I know this sounds suicidal, but the debris will attack the enemy. Thus screwing them. Any questions?" I crossed my arms with my five star no-nonsense face on. Ichigo's mouth was open to say something, but I cut him off."Operation Kick Ass is a GO!"
I dramatically jumped out and began dodging/throwing snowballs for my life. Shuuhei was throwing from in front, and to his right was Rangiku and left was Momo. To the left, cartwheel, throw, whip, duck, sway, slam, and then I nearly got hit. Everything was in slow-mo. The cold snowball was flying right for my head, but I bent back so much my head brushed the snow. My hair whisked around by the force, and my blood-red eyes shone with determination. I was soooo gonna kick some ass. Suddenly I took one to the gut, and fell into the cold unforgiving snow. My face immediately numbed, but I staggered up refusing defeat.
I rose to see my enemies had disappeared under snow. Ichigo had Zangetsu slung over his shoulder and was wearing his usual scowl."You happy Commander Salem?"
"Extremely," I replied, shifting from foot to foot happily."TAKE THAT SHUUHEI, RANGIKU, AND MOMO!!" I cackled maniacally. Triumph was all I could feel at the moment. Can you blame me for forgetting this was a battle field?
"Mae, Sode no Shirayuki." Only the release command of a zanpaktou was enough to snap me out of it. My head spun round to see Rukia, but it was too late. I was in the circle. Something landed on top of me and knocked me right out of the circle right before it froze everything up to infinity and freaking beyond.
"Holy flying fuck...thanks," I said to the mystery person. James Bond just winked and faded into the wind."Well that wasn't weird or messed up at all." I rolled up, brushed myself off, and prepared for all out ass kicking. Rukia and I were having a stare down, and I did that over-used 'Come at me' hand thingy. She just narrowed her eyes and readied her zanpaktou. Then suddenly Hitsugaya went flying between our stare down, and I promptly turned my attention to him. By the way, Ichigo was busy facing Uryuu as in throwing snowballs at each other not trying to slit each other's throats and use their blood as syrup on the winner's pancakes. Wow, I think I go on YouTube too much...
Hitsugaya was bleeding from the head and his dragon was charging for whatever knocked him to where he was standing. I looked to see that Mayuri had did that to him. Level of Anger-Totally and Utterly Pissed Off. Over-dramatically, I fwished(yes fwished) my head to the side and looked Rukia with a straight face."Sorry Rukia-chan. Shiro-kun's in battle, and I must assist. Our battle will continue once I'm done." Before she could argue, I jumped insanely high into the air as all anime characters seem to be able to do. They also usually are able to float for some odd reason, and same goes for me.
"Okay Mayuri Kurotsuchi. Your fight is no longer with Shiro-kun, but with I, the author of this-"
"Crap heap?" Mayuri asked in that weirdo pedophile tone of his.
"OH! YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT BITCH! I'LL PWN YOUR SORRY ASS!! THIS IS SOOO MY FIGHT NOW!" I pulled out my zanpaktou and readied it. Now I bet you're all wondering,"Oh great Salem-sama, how did you become a Soul Reaper?" (I can dream, right?) Well dearest readers/reader, I'm the author. So I just kick ass that hard people.
"Salem, I don't need-"
I cut Hitsugaya off."Yakedo no Shi, Mi-!" But I was cut off my being crushed by a giant snowball. Snowboulder. Whatever. I clawed my way through to the top and spit out some water."BLEH!! HOW THE HELL!?"
"Thanks Nemu," Mayuri said like 'Yeah yeah'. That man pissed me off to no end. Man? I can't even be sure anymore. There was a yell and suddenly everyone turned to see Shuuhei holding his nose. Which was bleeding like a freaking hose. Guess why folks? C'mon, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out. Hell, it doesn't take a pre-school graduate. You can be crawling round on your knees with shit in your pants. Senile or baby, THIS IS SO OBVIOUS!! What? You people haven't guessed yet? Who was he standing beside? Go back up and freaking check.
TOO LATE!! I'll just tell you. Rangiku had zipped down her coat like WAY down and was wiping snow off of her over-large boobs. Sighing, I shook my head. Men are so freaking hopeless. Momo had also managed to dig herself out and was shaking snow off her head, completely oblivious to the fact that there was people staring at the person behind her.
"Okay, I'm done." Everyone turned to me."I'm done fucking around. This ends now." Being the writer, I noticed that a gigantic cannon conveniently appeared.
Ichigo yelled,"I THOUGHT THAT 'SALEM-SAMA' DIDN'T CHEAT!"
I grinned my most insane psychotic grin I could."Salem-sama doesn't cheat. However, Salem-sama does give herself a cutting edge sometimes. FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!" I flipped into the air and landed right behind the cannon. In one swift motion, I pointed the cannon to the heavens and fired five times. No one saw anything but smoke.
"What is this pother?" Mayuri asked and everyone looked in his general direction."What?" Surprisingly he could tell all eyes were on him."You imbeciles. Pother is a disturbance, and another meaning is a cloud of smoke. Works both ways."
The smoke cleared and down from the heavens were snowboulders bigger than elephants. Everyone's eyes were the size of dinner plates, except Nemu who was just staring at the boulder like it wasn't going to be her demise. Let me tell you, most of them were smart cookies. Others...not so much.
Ichigo was a smart cookie. He took out Zangetsu and sliced the boulder in half right as it was about to land on him and Rukia. Shiro-kun rolled out of the way all awesome like. You know, old school Matrix style. Mayuri was the exact opposite of a smart cookie and got his ass pwned two ways to Sunday. I grinned to myself and thought, Being the writer definitely pays off when it comes to this shit. Nemu just punched through it, so whenever it landed it was like a boulder with a Nemu sized hole down the middle. Then broke into a good many pieces. Nice. The last one didn't land on Momo, Rangiku, and Shuuhei as I had planned. Scratching my head, I wondered where it...
Then something like an Eclipse happened. Total darkness, and I looked up. My own snowboulder was coming straight for me. In situations where gravity is against you, being the writer sucks. Especially when you did it to yourself. Damn me.
Like magic I wasn't there or touching the ground. I looked up to see it was a 'Damsel-in-Distress' cliche. I, Salem-sama, had been saved by Uryuu Ishida. Well fuck."Thanks Uryuu," I said staring at where I had been. Your dearest Salem-sama would've been toast. Frozen toast. Uryuu set me down and whipped a snow ball at Ichigo so fast I didn't even know until it hit him. Now that my cutting edge had nearly killed me, I decided to play clean. As clean as I could anyway...mwhahahahahaaa...
"SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE!!" Shuuhei yelled randomly. Everyone looked at him.
I frowned and said,"That song's like a Michael Jackson song and is on Twilight one of the gayest movies in the Universe, but your taste is your-"
"NO, SUPER MASSIVE BLACK HOLE RIGHT THERE!!" He pointed to the sky and everyone looked up with fish eyes. Then they glared at moi.
"HELL NO!! I'M NOT THAT FUCKING STUPID AS TO SUMMON A BLACK HOLE THAT'D KILL US ALL!! That includes me and Shiro-kun, so I wouldn't do it." Everyone rolled their eyes then adressed the problem at hand. The black hole begun to try and suck us in like a vacumm.
My hair whipping everywhere, I pouted and crossed my arms."Is this the end of our snowball war?"
X3 DON'T ASK, I WAS AS BORED AS HELL WHEN I STARTED!! Then the whole 'Saved by Uryuu' thing came from a weird and dramatic dream I had. Yeah, it was pretty freaking weird. He also kissed me, and I'm not even an Uryuu fangirl. So I was like "o.o What the fudge?" Then the Super Massive Black Hole came from another one of my dreams where a super massive black hole appeared with Super Massive Black Hole playing in the background. Very weird, I know. But I once had a dream about killer bunnies(no lie), so not really. Well hope you enjoyed. X3 If anyone actually gives a fudge, please PM to make another chapter!! BYE~!