A/N : This is my take on how Ianto was really feeling during Day One …

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His thoughts and asides are in italics …..

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Disclaimer : Children Of Earth / Day One ….. was written by Mr Russell T Davies.

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Well …. We Are … Does It Matter?

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"Me too!" With a heavy heart, Ianto watched his boss walk away.

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No you don't hate it, Jones, you don't hate the word at all ….. it just scares the living shit out of you. So just call him back over, before the moment can pass; drag him into a conversation on the matter …. after all, that 'is' why you pointed out Gwen's remark in the first place, isn't it? In the hope that he might say a few reassuring words; leave you convinced that 'you' wanting desperately to be one half of a male coupling was nothing to be afraid of ….. ashamed of.

But Jack hates the word 'couple' , right? He just said so, himself. So what exactly does that make us? If we're not a real couple …. what are we?

Are we partners?

Are we an 'item'? Oh, god, I hope not …. that sounds like something my gran would've said.

Perhaps we're in a casual relationship …. I know he likes to invite people in sometimes, which I'm tolerating, obviously, but what about the non-physical side of things? Exactly 'how' casual does Jack consider us to be?

Maybe he thinks this is just a fling.

Oh, God help me … I'm having a fling with my boss, aren't I!

Ohhhhhh, God. Jack thinks this is just a fling ….. …. and I've gone and fallen in love with him.

Great … so how sad does that make me?

Of course, I'd stand more of a chance in understanding the man if he didn't keep giving out these bloody confusing signals all of the time.

He obviously has no idea how I feel about him ... and what else have I got to do to make him realise that every time I make one of these glib remarks about us being a 'couple' , it's because I'm desperate to get chatting about things with him? Why can't he just sit me down then tell me that it's okay to feel like this about another man? All I bloody wanted to hear from him was something like a ….. 'Hey, Ianto, look, I want you to stop worrying; this is gonna be okay … I want this just as much as you do and we can do this at your pace.'

But what did I actually get from the man? ….. 'I hate the word couple.'

And what was it he said at the hospital earlier? Oh yeah, that was it …'Well, we are … does it matter?' …. Like I was making a fuss over nothing. And all I'd been hoping to hear from him then was something along the lines of ….. 'Yeah! Great isn't it!' … with his usual burst of enthusiasm …. or …. 'Yeah, I know Ianto, and isn't it great how he just accepted the fact …. like it was no big deal!'.

Because, something else that Jack needs to realise … is that this whole thing between us 'is' a big deal for me …. I'm in love with a man, for Christ's sake … the most amazing, infuriating; most incredible man I've ever known …... and I don't know where to go with it.

How much do I let on? What's the next step? Am I obliged to act differently? If I give in to his persistent attempts at last, and start letting him hold my hand in public, does that mean I've come out? If I let him link his fingers through mine next time he reaches across the table in that little Italian restaurant, will that be me 'coming out', then?

Maybe I should just explain how I feel about him; put the ball in his court. At least that way I'll know for certain if I'm wasting my time or not.

At the hospital ... that 'well we are does it matter' line that he came out with, suggests that he thinks we already 'are' a couple ….. even though he 'apparently' hates the word …

Hmmmm. ...

Oh, I don't know what to bloody think.

God, almighty … Is this what it feels like to be gay, then? … Am I gonna feel the need to analyse every emotion or action before it becomes public knowledge from now on?

Okay …. So that last thought was me referring to myself as being gay, wasn't it …..

Yep ….. thought so …

Great …. it's finally happened.

For all of his disliking of labels ... that man has got a lot to answer f …

"Ianto! Are you coming? Or am I cross-referencing this information on my own!"

Shit!

"Yup! On my way!"

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"Where are you going?"

"Now who's a couple?"

With a heavy heart, Ianto watched his boss take a step away.

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Well, apparently, 'we' are ….. according to you at the hospital, Jack … But don't worry yourself about it. No, you just carry on, walk away; keep me in the dark as usual, squeeze me out yet again.

Oh, and I've seen that stare far too many times for it to work on me anymore, so you can lose the look.

And you think I'm squinting in your direction 'cause the sun's in my eyes? No way … this is my special 'I think you're an insensitive, selfish, arrogant and heartless bastard' expression.

So, yeah, go on, that's it, you just walk away from me again ….. no explanation … no 'you can come along too if you like, Ianto …..' …

Well, for the record, Captain bloody Harkness, I didn't 'want' to go with you in the first place ….. got plans of my own, I have, see? Yep, I have much better things to do with my time and, contrary to popular belief, I do not constantly feel the need to try and impress you.

So …. here I go … bye then …you go your way; I'll go mine. Yep, this'll be me then, Jack …off to do my own thing …..

Again ….

I'll see you later, then, shall I?

Better off without you, I am. ... No, really ... it's a well documented fact.

In fact, its now official, you're not worth another moment of my time!

So i'm off.

Oh, and by the way …...

Did I mention that I love you …..?

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"Where to mate?"

"Millennium Centre … cheers."

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Okay, so my sister now knows …. and that bloody husband of hers …. which means that within a week the whole ruddy estate will know ….

Great …..

And what is it they're all going to think they've been made privy to?

Something I'm not even sure I know for certain myself.

Christ! ... I've come out to the whole of sodding Cardiff and I haven't even come out properly to myself yet!

Still, maybe this is what I needed … that little kick up the backside to admit that I … um ...

Um, yeah, okay. What is it that I'm actually admitting to, here? All I'm really sure of is that I could never feel this way about any other guy …. It really is just Jack.

So what is it I've actually just revealed to the world?

Oh, God.

I thought admitting this would make things easier somehow; would make the sideways glances seem less intrusive ….. less judgemental …

But the prospect of receiving them still terrifies me.

I wish I could be more like Jack; he doesn't care what people think … doesn't seem to care about anything in that respect, if I'm honest ….. not even me at the moment…

Okay ….. shit or bust … this thing between us is going to be acknowledged as being something much more important... or it ends today.

I'll tell Jack about my sister for starters; let him think that I'm past the whole 'caring what other people think' stage and then … well, yeah … it's down to him then, isn't it ….. either we're officially something ….or we're not.

Perhaps I should let on how I feel about him ….

Jack? I love you ….

No …. too much of a cliché.

Jack? I've fallen hopelessly in love with you ….

God no! Far too Mills and Boon.

Jack? I think I'm falling in love with you …

Oh, crap, I give up …. how the words come out on the day, is how they were always meant to come out …

Come out … ha!

Okay, I know what I'll do … I'll just go with the flow; trust my inner muse to find the right words when the moment arrives.

Right, so, that's that then. As soon as I get back to the hub I'm gonna take him to one side and tell him …..

Yup ….. definitely ….

Oh, and most definitely before I tell him that I've just lost the SUV.

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The End …

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And it really was … wasn't it …..

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'Cause we all know that he never actually got to tell him until it was too late.

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Thanks for reading … bwb.