Author Note: I'm going to want to rewrite this entire damn thing, once Akito the Exiled is finished and I know what really happened. The lack of canon information RE: Julius Kingsley has been KILLING ME. But... I've posted this first chapter, because I've got to emote SOMEWHERE.
Take it as my fan theory for now, and don't be surprised if I re-haul this project once the episodes are all released.
The train didn't clatter, or shudder, or hum, despite that its wheels practically flew along the tracks. Outside, certainly the whistle sounded, while winds whipped hard at straining couplings. Why, then, did standing in one of its cars resemble standing in a brick-walled building?
Suzaku Kururugi closed his eyes. He thought – if he straightened like a pillar and listened – that perhaps a faint vibration travelled through him as the engine thundered onward. But, after a moment, he admitted he felt stationary. Stifled. Quiet cloaked not only him, but also the hallway he stood in. No way out… and only thoughts for company.
He would have liked to go home – dearly.
The train hit a bump, and Suzaku finally felt the motion tremble through his boots. At home, Suzaku thought, he could have kept to a routine, as morbid and empty as the routine might have been. Here, Suzaku could not predict what he might say or do – or, for that matter, how anyone else planned to act or react when they met with him. Suzaku didn't mind an unpredictable turn in a battle, but people were another matter. If he could only go back home….
As the silence stretched on, Suzaku realized he was lying to himself again – something he often did to cling to comfort, when life gave him none. He kept his eyes closed tightly, but he forced himself to shift his thinking. Face the fire, even if it burns.
He opened his eyes again and looked outside.
Featureless trees and the occasional crumbling building sped by, peppered across shaggy grass. Everything drowned in the afternoon sun. Suzaku couldn't focus on any single image before it disappeared – leaving on his memory only indecipherable smudges.
How many buildings in Area 11 looked distorted like that, now? Home was hardly different from what Suzaku could see from on the train. That was the truth, no matter how Suzaku denied it. Home had been turned just as blurry and disturbing as the passing scenery, thanks to the final rebellious attack of the person occupying the train car now with him.
Suzaku didn't want to think about it; he wanted to distance himself and just smolder, until something good could burst out of the ashes that had formed and were still emanating heat in him. In fourteen hours, they'd finally set foot in Saint Petersburg. Suzaku would have to follow orders and maintain his focus, despite that he still wanted to emit sparks. Apprehension, frustration, hatred… they roasted Suzaku inside and out, making char out of what had once been tender. He wanted to back away, until he could trust and control his emotions. But… in the end, would distance change the damage?
A group of cows passed by the window, black-and-white newspaper blurs.
No. Retreating would make no real perceptible difference. This was the result of actions taken. Suzaku had already breathed in the smoke, and so it didn't matter whether he hated all this from afar, or from a compartment shared with the person he hated. Suzaku could not go back in time.
He could only risk burning again, to move forward.
A muffled thump reverberated from the compartment door at Suzaku's back. Instead of flinch or turn, he kept on staring out the window. A fence made brownish undulations on the landscape.
The object of Suzaku's hatred illustrated – too often – an irksome sense of timing. Suzaku could not go five minutes before he had occasion to be drawn to interaction. He heard a gasp next, and a thudding, rolling noise, and hated himself for wondering if this time anything was wrong.
Suzaku closed his eyes for one more moment, then opened them to slits he focused on the lacquered compartment door. He laid his hand upon the lock pad, and told himself again that he need not proceed from here as Suzaku Kururugi, if Suzaku Kururugi felt too many dangerous emotions.
After all, inside this compartment was someone who did not – and need not – know Suzaku fully. Someone who was also, in a sense, playing a grand game of pretend.
The only one who'd ever known Suzaku to the corners of his heart—
His boot crunched on an object just inside the open doorway. The thing had given way under his weight, and in another second Suzaku knew he'd broken something dainty.
"Luckily, it doesn't bother me if you destroy it." Julius Kingsley lounged in the armchair.
Suzaku blinked, accustoming himself again to the sight of Zero's features. Of Lelouch's, on this man. That conceited expression…. Suzaku edged his foot aside and found what looked like shards of glass beneath it.
When Suzaku looked up again, he told himself like a spell, Julius Kingsley. That identity – and only that one – was the identity that mattered. It was the truth, here and now, in this moment.
"You have that distant look to you again."
"I was watching the scenery. What is this?" Suzaku picked up the broken glass, noting that it gleamed, sticky-wet.
"You'll cut yourself."
"I'm wearing gloves."
"Forgive my polite and quite human decorum. I forget you don't care to uphold social graces." Julius let Suzaku turn the glass shards over in his hands. "When we reach Saint Petersburg, you will be required to at least pretend that you court knightly manners. Is that clear? I won't allow a rookie Rounds to make a fool of me or his whole knighthood."
Suzaku pocketed the glass… and found more liquid dotting the coffee table. He neglected to nod, to salute, or to bow. "What have you been doing in here?"
"Sir Kururugi." The smoothness of Julius's tone was oil. At any moment it might be set afire.
Suzaku bowed at once, as if on strings. "Please excuse my nosiness, my lord." His eyes scanned the remainder of the compartment, even while he so perfectly performed, embodying the puppet he was expected to be for the sake of their mission. I am to treat Julius Kingsley like a lord. Like a lord, and nothing else.
Nothing further in the small compartment appeared out of sorts.
"Very good." Julius sighed. He leaned back, cat-like, in his chair. He waved a lazy, decoratively-gloved hand. Noblesse oblige, said every sweeping gesture.
It made Suzaku wonder if the black Julius wore was meant to match his soul.
"I've been being slightly careless, in that I've dropped the item you were hiding. I hadn't expected the sting, that was all."
Suzaku straightened from his bow when Julius finished the statement. In his other slim, black hand, Julius twirled a little foreign object like a plaything.
An empty needle gun. The broken glass had been an empty vial.
"Honestly," said Julius, before Suzaku could put pieces together. "How classically Eleven of you. When we met, I had thought you above these forms of crude behavior."
Suzaku looked back at the flecks of liquid moistening the fingers of his gloves.
"Still, I think it can be trained out of you. It starts with understanding on the behalf of the master. I can't imagine the pain you must go through, Kururugi. Serving Britannia, pining for Japan…. Any Eleven would ache for such losses." Julius's smirk began to vanish. He looked out the wide compartment window. "A clever solution. Refrain has a market with endless potential, if even Honoraries like yourself can't help but use it. I don't fault you in the slightest."
It made Suzaku find his tongue. He said, "The dosage wasn't mine."
"Oh really? It was in your valise. I can hardly think up another conclusion." Julius looked bored now, with his chin upon his hand. He said, without glancing again at Suzaku, "Or perhaps, you think I put it in your luggage? If I had arranged it, tell me – just what would you do, Sir Kururugi?"
Suzaku's pulse pounded hard in his temples. Was Julius admitting that he'd set Suzaku up?
"Your face is enough. I see you understand. You could do nothing, if I were to frame you. Who would take your word as truth over mine?"
Suzaku's temper stirred, as he watched those lips again turn upward. "I've done nothing to invite your antagonism."
"And that is the lesson, made perfectly clear. You don't even have to. An Eleven Knight of the Rounds, amongst nobles—"
Suddenly Julius tipped in his chair, to curl forward and gasp out a high, strangled sound.
Suzaku remained rigid for one instant, like a cardboard cutout of himself. "What's the matter?" He wished he could ignore the need to ask, the need to be of service to someone he loathed – and who apparently now sought to frame him for the sake of an imperial education.
Then Suzaku further processed. I hadn't expected the sting, he heard again, as Julius had said.
Suzaku closed the distance to the chair. He seized Julius by the forearm and lifted.
"Don't," said Julius. "Just let me go."
"You used the dosage?" Suzaku's grip was brutal. Sweat had broken near his temples. Why would someone try…? Surely, Julius hadn't— He forced Julius's sleeve up past the elbow, crinkling the intricate, golden-dipped cuffs.
There. A dot of drying blood.
Julius's arm made a white landscape, through which snaked blue veins like wintery rivers. They'd already carried the poison injection to mix with the ocean of his icy heart.
Suzaku should have known at once. The nobles often took drugs as a form of recreation. Suzaku began cycling down the list of substances they favored. Since when had Refrain from the Ghettos joined the interest list? What else would Suzaku have to deal with? Julius's attitude alone was enough loathsome burden….
"Why?" Suzaku asked, maintaining a calm that felt far too much like the pause before the ice cracked and plunged bodies into freezing water.
"Your grip is too strong; let me go. I was bored."
Suzaku did not loosen his hold. For one horrid instant, time seemed to elude him. He traced – absently – that vein, with a slow finger.
Julius shivered. Suzaku released him.
"What are you thinking?" murmured Julius, cornered.
Suzaku spoke low. "What to do with you next."
Suzaku's mind felt like a ship in a gale, but the peril did nothing to focus his anger, his sudden fear and helplessness. The more seconds passed, the more Suzaku felt threatened. The more that he knew he was starting to panic.
He developed the violent urge to call for backup.
"Why must you do anything with me?" Julius was squinting, as if his head pained him. He touched the eye patch that swathed his left eye.
Suzaku flinched at the innocent movement. Then he realized, yet again, that it might not be innocent. Geass. Refrain. Certain memories might— But no, Suzaku thought. Could that possibly happen?
Suzaku panicked – and more strongly, hated – but promptly swallowed his urges toward reaction. He numbed himself, and he found his control. He met Julius's equally strained gaze that inquired, assessed him.
"Are you angry that I used your liquid escape?"
"I told you that it wasn't mine."
Julius began to stammer, as if he'd lost full control of his speech. "T-too late now, if you really did want it. Leave m-me with the high. It's better than feeling so listless for hours." The drug was seeping deep inside him.
"The hallucinations can make people violent."
"Only if you have a violent past. Only if you seek to recall a vendetta."
Suzaku felt like he'd be ill on the table.
"I can see you're f-furious. Take your unsavory attitude… s-somewhere else, then, Kururugi. Don't come back unless you aim to entertain me better." Julius, settling back in his chair, met Suzaku's gaze with practiced disdain.
And then something awful happened.
Suzaku looked at Julius, sprawled arrogantly like some rich heathen king, and heard again the impertinent drawl of, entertain me echo through him. The rebuttal Suzaku had been forming died, voiceless. Through all of his panic and wakening hatred, vague implications turned Suzaku's mind like a spit toward the fire, and toward one offensive, explicit depiction. Flames leapt up – those of kindled, burning passion.
If he believed he hated Julius Kingsley, Suzaku now hated himself sevenfold.
He backed up and into the door.
Julius waved at somebody not there, and collapsed into murmuring. Suzaku fled him.
He exited their shared compartment. He locked the door, and he stormed down the train car.
He did not stop at the car's end. Suzaku found the next car. And the next one. He walked onward, hardly breathing, biting back swear words and trying not to wring his hands. Inside, a shovel was turning dirt over, unearthing his dread and all he had left buried.
He blew through another succession of doorways. A few of the guards glanced out from their compartments. Suzaku reached the luggage car, and only there did Suzaku finally halt.
He closed the door behind himself and realized then that he was sweating. He loosened the collar of his uniform, at last letting slip a low curse. Rounds coats required dry cleaning.
He opened the tiny, grated window. A little dart of sun shined in. The train this far down seemed doubly silent. Suzaku took out his cell phone and dialed a number, despite that he knew he did not want to call it.
While Suzaku waited through numerous rings, he curled his free hand in and out of a knot. He removed the glove that had touched the Refrain, and emptied his pockets of all the glass shards.
By the time the line connected, he'd recalled himself to some small semblance of a soldier.
"Hmm? Suzaku." A childlike voice – and one too unmistakably interested in Suzaku's call.
"Julius Kingsley has taken Refrain."
"Is that so? What on earth could have made you decide to call me about it?"
Suzaku heard a blend of muffled motions. He stared resolutely out the window. It took too much of his control to acknowledge again that he disliked V.V. – so instead he relied on his practiced decorum, to help himself entirely ignore it.
"You told me I should feel free to contact you, if I thought Lord Kingsley might be at risk of somehow being compromised."
"Ah," V.V. drawled quietly. Wherever V.V. talked from had finally become silent. "I didn't think that you would really need to. Or, to be a lot more honest… I thought that even if you did, you still wouldn't decide to call me. Refrain?" V.V. repeated innocently. "How could Lord Kingsley have accessed something like that, I wonder?"
Suzaku immediately calmed – and this time the calm wasn't forced. So… V.V. had slipped the Refrain in with them on purpose, when he'd arranged their luggage – and he'd wondered whether it would force Suzaku to call him, panicked. Whether the drug had been in Suzaku's bag like Julius suggested, or had been positioned to crop up somewhere else where Julius would find it… the fact was that V.V. expected its presence. And that meant the substance was not a large – or at least not an immediate – threat to Julius's existence. To the Geass placed upon Lelouch.
It was more like a tool used to gauge Suzaku's competence.
Suzaku silently accepted it. Perhaps V.V. would handle this from here, and give Suzaku specific orders.
Instead of ask for orders, however, Suzaku instantly cut to the chase. "What effect does Refrain have on the Geass? It must have some, in this kind of case. If you only wanted to see what I'd do, there wasn't any need to take—"
"You aren't acting like yourself much, are you. I see – it must be unduly stressful for you to have to learn to make all of your own decisions and take command as a Rounds instead of deferring to a superior."
Suzaku fiddled at length with the window.
"I hope you know I didn't mean that in a patronizing fashion."
"If you did, I don't care," said Suzaku. He added, rather late, "Your highness." He sensed, with his hairs on end, that V.V. smiled.
"I will answer your questions in a moment," the strangely young boy announced. "First, you ought to tell me in what condition you left him, and how long ago. Refrain has cruel effects, you know. He'll tremble, fight dizziness, and experience bad dehydration. You'll want to call him a medic, I'm certain."
"He said that he took it because he was bored. When I left him five minutes ago, he had started hallucinations already." Suzaku assessed without panic this time. The shock of seeing Julius's needle-violated vein at last seemed to have faded…. That, or Suzaku simply felt better being cars and cars away from a potentially re-awakening Zero.
Suzaku added to his statements, neglecting to reflect before his delivery came out much too loud and swift. "If he wasn't sure what drug he was injecting, it was dumb to try, and risk those kinds of complications. If he did know the repercussions… it was also stupid. I'm not calling him a medic."
V.V. said, "How very motherly of you. Did you know Marianne used much the same methods? You fit right into the family."
Suzaku assessed his face in the window's reflection, and immediately smoothed his features back into his practiced blankness.
"But I'll ask you another question, hmn?" V.V.'s voice sounded like vibrating strings. "Suzaku. If your concern is that Refrain affects the Geass, and you know that without Geass we would have Zero back on our hands, why is it you ran away and called on me, rather than staying to watch him and jail him?"
Suzaku stepped into a scarlet suitcase, moving backward as if the words had cut him.
"That's like letting Zero escape again, and after all you did to catch him. He could have jumped off the train by now, and you'd never know it, would you. That isn't what Charles and I trusted you for, you should know. You're supposed to be guarding Zero, all the time, no matter what."
And just like that, Suzaku failed his test of competence.
Suzaku dragged his fingers down his face. His hand twitched, and then it began to tremble. He said, "Yes, your highness. I—"
Yes.
V.V. was right, Suzaku comprehended. And Suzaku felt like he had jumped into a pool, holding a plugged-in hairdryer. He entirely deserved the bolts of shock and agony that washed him.
Suzaku had abandoned a situation he never, ever, ever should have. He'd run to the luggage car like some tormented child, and left a known criminal without suitable supervision. How could he have been so careless as to overlook the obvious, and fail to make the right crucial decisions? He touched the red suitcase, to steady himself.
Distracted. Suzaku had gotten distracted.
Again, he began to sweat inside his white Rounds uniform. The exchange with Julius that had so appalled him…. It had cost Suzaku his sense of good judgment.
Suzaku squeezed his cell phone next, wishing instead he could squeeze his own throat. Hating himself was a vast understatement. What Suzaku wanted to do now was die.
"Well, no sense in beating yourself up," V.V. expressed, congenial. "I'm sure you had a reason for running away from him?"
It was a prompt, and a chance to explain his disgraceful behavior.
Suzaku didn't take it.
In his head, the roasting-spit revolved again, and V.V.'s words drifted into the background. Flames of a slow-burning passion licked closer, despite how Suzaku tried so hard to quench them. Suzaku felt his breathing catch—
And then his hand shot up to cover his mouth.
No. He had stamped those embers into ashes. No, don't remember. He's a lord, and nothing else. The previously solid train seemed to have started swaying on him.
"It's not any more dangerous than usual, taking Refrain if you've also been Geassed." V.V. said it while Suzaku tried not to throw up on the luggage.
How was Suzaku supposed to exorcise what so endeavored now to haunt him?
"But it could affect this particular Geass. That's what I've been curious to find out, and I thought it best to use Marianne's son, considering that Charles made him into a convenient subject. You'll help me to monitor what happens, won't you? To make up for your mistake of leaving him? After all, you two are stuck there with each other. It's a golden opportunity."
Suzaku thought of his Lancelot key, of his cat, of the soft fabric of tabi socks. Of anything that came to him to help him maintain an objective distance.
He kept his voice extremely flat. "So you'd like to use Julius to learn about the details. You want to find out if anything can adversely affect the fake memories that were given to him. And there is a chance Refrain could break the Geass."
Or at least… break this Geass, that had so much to do with pasts and memories – because Refrain worked with nostalgia, making people think they could go back in time to revisit past moments.
Still. Any chance to truly break a Geass…. If one Geass could be broken, then likely others could be as well. Suzaku didn't disapprove of the nature of V.V.'s research. Perhaps if V.V. got results, a Geass would never again be able to destroy an innocent life like Euphy's.
And yet. The timing of V.V.'s information – and of his operations – didn't sit well with Suzaku.
"Mm hmn. The Geass might be broken. But honestly, probably not. There's no telling."
Suzaku wiped a hand across his face. "Can't you be a little clearer?"
So much was at stake in the EU right now, and uncertainty kept Suzaku on edge. Hadn't Suzaku and Julius been sent out here to fight the Ghost of Hannibal, and to keep the Euro-Britannian orders of knights under better control? Part of Suzaku understood this mission was only an excuse, a reason for the Emperor to make good use of both of them. In his son's case, it was also a punishment, and in Suzaku's… this mission was a trial of his worth, to prove whether he deserved to be part of the Rounds.
There was so much Suzaku had been asked to accomplish – and each task had many invisible layers. His plate felt over-full, and his mind buzzed; success seemed far off, tenuous. Was now really the time for all of V.V.'s tests and theories? It might not be wise to add to Suzaku's burden.
It wasn't just Suzaku who might be deeply affected by the stress. If the Geass on Julius Kingsley broke, here, then chances were people would suffer when Zero—collateral damage would probably make—
"No, I can't be any clearer." V.V. sounded suddenly amused. "You're the only one who can find out the answers – or don't you realize that, Suzaku? It wouldn't be the same to try Refrain out on Lord Kingsley at a time when you were not around. Your influence in his life has been too significant a variable. Additionally, the most amazing results pop up when both of you combine your skills to try to overcome problems together. It's about creating ideal circumstances. Only your presence can test all his limits… and it should be obvious why, shouldn't it. You're the person always tied the closest to Lelouch."
A flock of birds got left behind the speeding train.
It was the first time in days Suzaku had heard Lelouch's name out loud. It sent something as fleeting as the birds' flight zinging through him.
"We've got to have a potent trigger." V.V. laughed. "Even the Code R Research Team can't create the same atmosphere you can. But beyond that, I'm also curious…"
Suzaku wanted to cut the call.
"Aren't you interested in breaking the Geass that's on you? Even Charles thought you would put up with escorting his misbehaved son if it meant some of your trials might contribute to a way to free you."
Suzaku remembered the voice on the tape, crying out that quick command. He recalled the high-pitched sound of his own voice, screaming that he had to live.
Suzaku couldn't recall the events before his awakening on Kamine Island, no matter how hard he tried – but he'd heard the exchange on playback, many times. Then V.V. had explained Geass to him. The wretched command to live had now become Suzaku's curse.
What was it V.V. meant to suggest now? That Suzaku simply accept that the benefits of drugging Julius outweighed the risks? Or that Suzaku try Refrain-use too, to see if the gaps in his memory lessened?
"If this test was so important, you might have warned me about it beforehand. The incident was unexpected, and I—I handled it badly. The drug will be worn off now well before we reach Saint Petersburg. If the dosage had been timed, I could have watched him there, in our extra private quarters. Now my chance to monitor—"
V.V. exclaimed, "Oh, don't worry about that – there are a lot more vials hidden. I suspect Lord Kingsley won't take long to cultivate a habit for Refrain. Then you can monitor him all you want."
Suzaku's mouth went dry. "A habit?"
Was it all right to hook this operation's Military Advisor on drugs? Habit…. More like a consistent cause for Suzaku to feel doubly – or triply – threatened.
"And that's because," V.V. was saying, and Suzaku realized he'd missed a few words, "when we ran initial tests, Lelouch's body was hyper-sensitive to substances – and thereby predisposed to addictions. I wouldn't be surprised if after just one careless and curious dose he were to remain strongly drawn to Refrain, possibly for the rest of his life."
Suzaku tried to process that. He thought, Is it fair to toss an addiction that awful into his life? Suzaku thought no one deserved the downhill spiral caused by drugs. But was Zero the lone exception? And was this Zero, or Julius Kingsley? Drugs were such a terrible perversion. Even in this case, it somehow felt….
V.V. paused, but the pause was too short to be anything but feigned. "Are you sure that you don't want to call him a medic? We'll learn a lot more if he doesn't black out during his first hallucinations. What he sees could tell us much, and then we wouldn't have to drug him as much next time."
"All right. I'll go back, and I'll monitor him." Suzaku said it confidently, as if he had at last reconciled himself to the task, but the truth was that Suzaku had just made a different decision.
He would go back… but not to observe and take notes. He would flush the Refrain clean out of Julius's system – immediately, and whatever it took.
Suzaku could get V.V. his test results later. Tonight, Suzaku no more wanted to deal with a drugged-up Julius Kingsley than he wanted nightmares about killing his father. He didn't need that extra flash of guilty conscience.
Suzaku wondered if this meant he hated drug abuse – at least at present – more than he hated Zero and their complex EU mission.
"Oh? You'll monitor him? But?" A tapping sound, as V.V. grew more audibly impatient.
Suzaku blinked, and then he shivered. V.V. had picked up on Suzaku's more unconscious reservations.
Suzaku briefly wet his lips. "But…." He wet his lips again, and closed his eyes. "But what if whatever Julius sees should stay private?" It was a long shot, Suzaku knew. But if Suzaku was plagued by remembrances of fires….
V.V. hummed, over the thud of Suzaku's heartbeat. "Hoooh? What interesting scruples. Is there something even you're completely paranoid about?" V.V.'s voice jumped up a notch, as if he sat up straighter in a chair. "Or are you saying only you deserve to see Lelouch's secrets? If those come out, it won't exactly matter, will it. He'll be Zero, and in that case, you surely must recall that Charles said to do as you see fit. There's no need to worry. If the situation becomes embarrassing, uncontrollable, or distasteful for you – or even for Lelouch – you could simply consider putting Marianne's son out of his misery."
Suzaku watched a tree whiz by – a lightning-charred and splintered one.
Lelouch's fate… in Suzaku's hands. Lelouch's life in Suzaku's full control. For half a moment, Suzaku couldn't help but wonder how Lelouch would react, if Lelouch only knew.
"But would you kill him?" V.V. asked. Suzaku remained like a stone. "Suppose his death was what would break your Geass?"
Suzaku sat down upon the red suitcase.
Lelouch's death, negating any Geass that Lelouch had cast on him. Suzaku knew V.V. had already killed people, just to test those kinds of theories. Thus far, if the person who cast a Geass died, those bewitched were not completely freed.
Geass still remained an absolute. Suzaku had no reason to hope for a fluke, or any other kind of rare exception.
Suzaku wondered who V.V. had tested on most recently. Had he sacrificed children from the Geass Order he ruled, as he further connected the Order to the Code R Research Team he manipulated through Bartley? Groups of underground children with Geass powers, who cast their curses heedlessly on others…. The argument Suzaku had heard from the researchers was that cutting such lives short was a mercy to the populace. If death couldn't break the spells already cast, at least eliminating such tainted children would prevent them from affecting further people.
At least, that was what everyone told Suzaku. Suzaku nursed his doubts, his alarm. Would V.V. really destroy handfuls of children from the Order?
Suzaku believed completely that V.V. wanted to understand the mysteries of Geass – but was that so V.V. could eliminate its power, or so he could further manipulate lives with it? The lines remained blurred. Suzaku himself was no exception. He flip-flopped, like a marine creature stranded on a sand bar; Suzaku wanted the Geass destroyed, yet he endorsed the one Emperor Charles had used to create Julius. Was the nature of Geass itself good or bad? Suzaku could not pretend to know. Zero had used Geass for awful things….
All Suzaku understood was that dragging Lelouch to Emperor Charles had been the only option. Always.
V.V. sighed. "You wouldn't kill him, would you."
Suzaku was playing with the zipper on the suitcase. A moment passed, and then he finally whispered.
"It would make Nunnally sad."
"Nunnally?" V.V. exclaimed.
Suzaku imagined V.V.'s eyebrows lifting. There had been a rise in vocal pitch.
Suzaku thought about Nunnally's hair, the color of a field of waving grain. He thought about her smile… and about how much the truth would hurt her. Suzaku often tried not to think of Nunnally. She opened up the tender places in his heart – made him vulnerable, made him care. But in times like this, she was the only face in his mind's eye.
No human being, no matter how determined, could do harm to Lelouch without affecting Nunnally. If Lelouch took any damage… the blows might not rain down on her, but Nunnally would still feel like she'd been attacked. No one who still had a heart—
But then Suzaku almost laughed. Did he have a heart? He wasn't certain any more.
He wondered if somehow he'd just been conditioned to think about Nunnally the way he did. After all, Zero was a brilliant terrorist. What would stop Zero from using his own sister as a shield? Nunnally had already long been an excuse for many things that Lelouch said or did. The web still made Suzaku crazy… and it had succeeded now in dropping him into stasis. Perhaps that was what Zero had always wanted.
Regardless of whether Nunnally was only Zero's shield, Suzaku cared about her happiness. Yes, he did – and so Suzaku had a heart, although at times he couldn't feel it. And as long as Suzaku cared so much—
"Honestly!" V.V. announced. "This way, Nunnally will never see her brother again either. Charles made Julius. Why do you insist on catering to Nunnally?"
Suzaku spoke in a level voice. "If His Majesty hadn't created Julius, Lelouch would have been tried and executed under Britannian law. Nunnally couldn't survive such a shock. She needs to live, and be better protected."
"You mean because one day she might become the perfect governor for Area 11? I thought you wanted Zero brought to justice at all costs."
"Not at her cost," said Suzaku. Nunnally was innocent.
V.V. sighed. "I suppose I understand. It really is a shame that Lelouch got her caught up in this, by filling his sibling relationship with lies and unacceptable omissions. Still, all the fuss you made, tearing after Zero – was that just a tantrum? Are you saying Nunnally is more important than justice and punishment? If you do, then isn't that too much like Zero? You mortals! I don't see how any of you have time to be so petty, selfish, and conflicted!"
Suzaku bit down on his tongue.
He didn't think the hate he felt for Zero could be brushed aside as petty. And he would not have called himself conflicted – not when it came to the judgment he passed on Zero's actions. There was no doubt Suzaku thought Zero was wrong, and well deserving of punishment – perhaps even by death, indeed. But Suzaku's emotions were… still undirected, in terms of how he wished that punishment to be meted out. Especially as long as Nunnally remained a factor. Was it selfish, wanting to drag out results until he had a plan?
Perhaps that was what V.V. really dug at. Suzaku couldn't successfully state his intentions, now that Zero had been captured and it was clear Nunnally would need to learn the truth in the near future.
Time and justice wouldn't just stand still. The train he rode on seemed to stress it.
Suzaku took his turn to sigh, and V.V. hummed his amusement again.
Truth be told, Suzaku had never been sure what he wanted for Zero, beyond the masked man's capture. Beyond the chance to confront, scream, and blame, Suzaku had never thought about what results he desired. He'd found no point in thinking about Zero's punishment, or Zero's future. What could fix the messes Zero had already made? After Suzaku had learned the truth from V.V., and seen Lelouch under Zero's mask himself… he'd gotten as far as beating Zero up.
And after that, he'd felt a little better.
Better, but answers still didn't just come. Suzaku had not even been certain about what Zero deserved when he'd used Zero to rise into the Rounds. He'd only been thinking of steps he could take, to continue to work toward peace from the inside. Peace from the inside had always been Suzaku's goal; in his moments of fury and crisis, perhaps those goals were the fallback Suzaku had relied on to center himself. Julius Kingsley's creation was merely a stepping-stone, not the destination. Not any applicable solution.
How could it be? Suzaku didn't know where he was going.
Suzaku didn't know what was best for the world. He didn't know the way justice should function. In the end, perhaps the scale was too massive, and Suzaku too personally invested. He didn't know what punishment ought to be passed – and the truth was he might never know.
He only knew he couldn't put the gun to Zero's head himself.
"A penny for those thoughts of yours, Suzaku."
Was it really for Nunnally's sake that Suzaku refused to murder Zero, or was it for his own repentance? Suzaku knew two wrongs did not make a right. Murdering Zero would not bring Euphemia – or anyone else dead – back to life. Suzaku had learned those things, killing his father. But something still needed to be done. It had to.
Again, Suzaku felt he needed time. But as V.V. had just expressed, Suzaku did not have the luxury of it. How best to rid the world of Zero's influence? The only chance Suzaku really had to reflect on the matter… was now.
Yes. Right now – beside Julius Kingsley.
As much as Suzaku loathed the situation, Julius was all the time Suzaku had been granted. Suzaku would have to multitask, work under duress, and somehow find answers.
Suzaku responded to V.V.'s prodding. "Maybe I haven't thought it through. But right now, I do know that Nunnally would prefer her brother to live – even if that meant he lived as someone else who didn't know her. So, that means that Zero is…." Suzaku gripped his phone too hard. "The matter of Zero is effectively on hold." Suzaku knew it, even if his gut emotions refused to admit it.
"This is why I like you, Suzaku."
Suzaku didn't reply to the statement.
"You understand the undeniable truth that is sibling relationships. You won't interrupt even one Lelouch poisoned for the world's abstract ideals of justice or revenge."
…V.V. had been testing him. V.V. agreed that Nunnally ought to be the priority. That was why V.V. had taken Nunnally away, during Zero's last attack.
"I think I speak for Charles, too, when I say you exhibit the traits we admire. Charles might even start to show you all his secrets. Bismark could get jealous, but that would prove entertaining, don't you think?"
V.V didn't care about the world. V.V. cared about people, relationships. He cared about truth, lies, and sibling loyalty. What should Suzaku be making of that? He thought a good person should care about both, but here he was, not knowing how to go about it all himself.
Suzaku's stomach at last began to cramp – as if too much acid ate at flesh inside him. The pain could mostly be ignored, but it was there, forever niggling. He hated getting hit with stomachaches that came from stress, but he was vaguely awed he'd gone without one for this long. Conditioning, Suzaku thought again.
V.V. said, "But as siblings aren't everything, I do have one more personal question to ask you. Call it an extra evaluation, all right? I like understanding your real character, because then I know much better how to use you."
"Your highness?" Suzaku stood up from the suitcase. His foot crunched again on the pieces of vial he'd emptied from his pockets upon entering the luggage car. His stomach cramped up harder. He just ignored it.
"You were there when Charles used his Geass. Why didn't you suggest that Charles tailor Lelouch back into the person he used to be, before he became Zero? Why let Charles make Julius?"
Suzaku's vocal chords went tight. For the first time, he couldn't control how his words came out ragged and thinly strained.
He blamed it on his stomachache, and answered.
"I didn't want Lelouch," he whispered, to the crowded luggage room. "I didn't want any part of Lelouch to exist anymore, anywhere in this world." He didn't want it any more than he had wanted Zero.
He thought V.V. must surely understand. Who was the man behind Zero, after all?
It wasn't enough to see Zero's mask cracked in two pieces, his cape torn, the symbol dismembered. The real culprit – the criminal – was the person behind it. Lelouch vi Britannia, the one Suzaku had treasured most. Suzaku couldn't even stand to look at Julius, because of it.
Suzaku swallowed, and finished more strongly. "I wanted to make sure Lelouch was erased."
"Erased?" said V.V..
Suzaku said, "Gone." Much like a fire tamped down into ashes.
But erased was what it was. That was fine with Suzaku. Suzaku hadn't wanted to see a re-written Lelouch thriving, knowing that Lelouch might evolve the same ways and end up creating a monster, again. All Lelouch's resentment, his cleverness, his treachery… another Lelouch might take all of that and hurt people over again. If all Lelouch's memories and tendencies were not entirely deleted, the past might just repeat itself.
Suzaku wanted to prevent that, no matter what the price.
He thought again about having to break the news to Nunnally. She would be grateful Lelouch was alive, but that did not mean she'd accept the truth easily, or be kind to Suzaku for allowing it.
Suzaku rubbed a hand across his face again.
"I see. Let me give you a word of advice."
"I can be very thickheaded, your highness." Suzaku was not sure he wanted advice. It would not make any of his burdens lighter.
V.V. spoke slowly, like he rolled his eyes. "You've misunderstood the nature of Charles's Geass, Suzaku. You do know that Charles re-writes memories, and not any other fundamental components of people?"
Suzaku looked out the window.
"In other words, Lelouch is still Lelouch, but just a different version – thanks to different life experiences he thinks now that he's had as Julius."
Suzaku tried not to admit to himself how deeply hearing it disturbed him – or how desperately he had tried to deny his own inklings that such might be the case. "Even so," Suzaku managed.
"You must have at least suspected it, working so closely beside him, and watching?"
"The point is…" Suzaku tried for steadiness, "that the Lelouch who could still become Zero is gone."
Suzaku clung onto that statement as true. If Lelouch did not remember having a sister, or having been a betrayed prince, or having been in control of the Black Knights… if Lelouch thought that all this time he'd been a rich Britannian lord of tactical genius, who worked for the Emperor's cause for his living… then there was no chance this version of Lelouch would turn out at all like the one who'd become Zero.
V.V. was finally saying goodbye. "Again, don't forget to look out for C.C.. I shouldn't have to remind you that when she ran the Geass Order, its headquarters was in the EU, well hidden. It would not surprise me to find her tapping into old resources, for the purpose of following Lelouch however she can." Suzaku tried his best to pay attention, to recall the features of the green-haired witch. "You would have a much bigger threat to Lelouch's Geass than Refrain, if she were to lay hands on him. And, Suzaku Kururugi…."
But Suzaku wasn't listening. He'd heard the latch turn on the luggage compartment's manual door. Someone was on the other side – proceeding in.
He moved into action, putting his back to a wall.
V.V. was still finishing. "Now's not the time for your disdain or anger. He'll need some attention. At least get him water." Suzaku hung up the call, without even a Yes, Your Highness.
He tucked his phone away, not a moment too soon. The door to the luggage compartment swung open.
Julius Kingsley glared at him. "I see that you're betraying me again."