The wall was getting whiter. She knew it. The long grooves between the concrete blocks stood out stark against the painful lack of color. Her eyes were beginning to burn yet she continued to stare. Unable to turn away. This was the only way. The only way to keep from breaking apart.
She could feel the pieces shifting and flaking away. Bit by bit she was losing her grip anyway. She held tighter to her control hoping, praying desperately for respite knowing it wouldn't come. It was a lost cause. She prayed for death in those moments. Those moments of stark realization when it all washed over her again. When she was no longer able to keep it at bay and she remembered.
The memories ate away slowly at her subconscious. Sifting in past the haze and she felt the pain return. A white hot ripping pain that rolled in her stomach before streaking out across her body. She curled in on herself trying to shield herself from the waves. But the memories came in with no mercy. Silent tears streaked down her cheeks as flashes of the past moved across her empty eyes.
Finally being back in his arms after all the pain of Franco. Coming down the stairs to see him unconscious in front of the fire. Rushing to the hospital.
She curled in tighter.
Jason in a hospital bed holding his aching head after the latest headache. Robin working tirelessly to find the right protocol to save his life. The uncertainty in her eyes each time she looked at them. Apology creeping in around the edges as one protocol after another failed.
She clenched her fists so tightly her short nails dug into the fragile skin of her palms. But she felt nothing but the pain rolling throughout her body.
The explosion. Robin. Patrick crumbling to the floor in agony.
It was becoming hard to breathe as her silent sobs overtook her body.
Begging...pleading with Patrick to do the surgery. Begging him to save her baby's father. The overwhelming empty feeling spreading through her when she realized...he wasn't going to. The reflection of the glass as the hospital door swung shut. Patrick's stiff back and staggered gait as he slowly walked away. Taking any hope she had left with him.
The pain finally spiking behind her eyes as she dreaded the coming images. Having lived them over and over.
Stopping outside Jason's room. Plastering on the bravest smile she could. If she was going to lose him...if he was going to be taken from her...she would take every last second she had. For Jason. For their child. And, for herself.
Lying in bed next to him. The feeling of him solid and warm. Safe...until they weren't anymore.
Knowing it was coming. The terror that ripped through her as he reached for his head again, knowing it would be the last time.
Running to the door and screaming for the doctors. Knowing they had nothing to offer.
She felt like she was still screaming. Even in the silence.
The look in their eyes. The doctors. That horrible apology. Her hand creeping to her stomach with the realization that her child...their child...would never know its father. That they wouldn't get their happy family. There would be no happily ever after. Then darkness.
She silently prayed that the end was near. That the pain she felt would finally take her.
Waking again to white, generic lights. The uneasy feeling that something was different. Forever changed. Her hand once again drifting to her stomach. Only to realize with complete horror that this was what was different. Empty.
Her screams were audible now and she knew at least soon the pain would fade.
The horrible apology in their eyes yet again as hate and anger and dejection washed through her. Her baby. Her one silver lining. Her one hope. Lost.
She heard the quick footsteps as they rushed down the hall. The end was coming quickly now.
The streams of people as they came and went. Monica. Alexis. Maxie. Spinelli. Sonny. Carly. Always whispering softly as she continued to stare unflinchingly at the white wall.
Patrick. The apprehension in his eyes as he realized. Realized he had done this to her. Caused her this pain. The feeling of complete hate that overcame her as she wanted nothing more than to bring him the same agony. The same emptiness she was living in.
She vaguely felt the cold sting of the metal as it entered her skin. The warm burn of the drugs as they coursed through her veins. She almost smiled. The end was so near she could taste it. She tried to focus now to take with her the only image that brought her any relief.
She pictured his eyes. His light smile. His hand moving gently over her stomach as he felt their child kick.
She wished...prayed this really was the end. That she could leave. Leave this place that had nothing left to offer her. To be with them again. Jason. Their child.
She tried to pretend as the drugs slowly took her under. That she'd be joining them. That death was coming for her. She knew it wasn't. And tomorrow she'd live it all again. But for tonight...she'd pretend.