Title: Haruhi vs Hibiki

Teaser: A chance meeting between Suzumiya Haruhi and Hibiki Ryouga results in the Eternally Lost Boy becoming the main character in Haruhi's school writing assignment. Now, with Asakura Ryoko as his co-star, he has to survive Haruhi's storytelling long enough to save the world.

Author: Rowan Seven

Rating: PG-13 to be safe.

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 was created by Takahashi Rumiko. The Suzumiya Haruhi series was created by Tanigawa Nagaru. I make no legal claims to the characters, settings, and story concepts featured in this story and am not profiting financially from this work of fan fiction.

Author's Notes: This story takes place in the Suzumiya Haruhi animated series sometime after the feature film during the third trimester of the Japanese academic year and in the Ranma ½ series at some undisclosed point between manga volumes 18 and 30 with a blend of anime episodes added in.

Chapter 1: Remedy - The Lost Boy, Jusenkyo's Cure, and the Cost!

"This...is not what I expected," Hibiki Ryouga said uncertainly as he looked around the esoteric antique store and studied its surprisingly modern design. Seven brightly lit and spacious aisles stretched back farther than he could walk unguided in a straight line with merchandise neatly organized and bar coded on numbered shelves and tables. Serene but unmemorable classical music played from hidden ceiling speakers, dampening but not erasing the quiet drone of a mechanical temperature control system. Beside the eternally lost Japanese youth, the store's owner sat behind an electronic checkout station and nodded her head sympathetically but not apologetically.

"I hear that a lot, but in today's rough economy you have to keep up with the times," she explained patiently with a warm but professional smile on her face. "Even in my family's specialized line of business there's a lot of competition, and while respecting tradition is important meeting the changing needs of our customers comes first. We even have an online store now, although the website can be a bit...hard to find at times."

The storekeeper chuckled, as if at a private joke, and the raven-haired teenager reflected that she was also not what he'd expected. Instead of the wizened, elderly, and oftentimes quirky proprietor he was used to finding in these types of shops, she was young, more than a little attractive, dressed in a business style skirt and blouse, and so far seemed entirely normal other than her mishmash of blonde hair and dark oriental skin.

Realizing he was beginning to stare, Ryouga coughed and raised a hand to scratch the back of his neck. "I...ah, I see. I don't get the chance to use computers very often anyway so it's no skin off my back."

Becoming more thoughtful, the Lost Boy hmmed and turned to the reason he'd entered the store in the first place.

"You wouldn't happen to have any martial arts scrolls lying around, would you?" he asked hopefully, leaning down and placing a hand on the shopkeeper's table so the two of them were at eye level. "I'm looking for new techniques to help me defeat my rival, and when I saw your shop it looked like a good place to try my luck."

The female shopkeeper grinned appreciatively.

"I'll see what I can do, sir. If you'll wait just a moment while I search my inventory?" she requested, turning to her computer screen and typing in a couple key words. The queried results appeared a few seconds later, and the young woman frowned regretfully.

"I'm sorry, sir. Our last secret technique scroll was bought last month by a traveling Shaolin monk on a quest to avenge his teacher. We currently have several on backorder, but it'll be at least three weeks before we have any in stock again. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

Ryouga sighed despondently and stood back up. In three weeks time he'd be lucky if he was still on the same continent let alone anywhere near this store, and while he could take a business card and place an online order that option was predicated on both his ability to find a public computer and his family's house to receive the package. The sheer difficulty of that twin feat filled him with despair.

"No, I'm afraid not," he answered glumly, gaze returning to the long aisles and their mysterious but professionally sorted contents. "Not unless you happen to have any Jusenkyo water, anyway, but the odds of that-"

"Spring of Drowned Wombat, Spring of Drowned Polar Bear-very, very tragic story, that-, Spring of Almost Drowned Combat Butler, Spring of Drowned Boy, and Spring of Drowned Aardvark, all available in barrel or temporary instant powder options," the shopkeeper interrupted with cheerful politeness as she read the results off her computer monitor. "We might also have other cursed spring water available in solely barrel or instant powder form, and if you want me to search I can-""

Ryouga slammed his hands down on the checkout counter with such force the table would have snapped had it not been reinforced with metal.

"Did you say Spring of Drowned Boy?" the wandering Hibiki questioned with desperate hope in his voice. "Please, if you have any, I'll take it!"

The merchant craned her head to gaze intently at the Lost Boy. "Before we continue, you should be warned about Jusenkyo. I don't know what you've heard, but Jusenkyo is also known as the 'Springs of Sorrow' and for good reason. Over the centuries-"

"-many creatures and people have tragically fallen into the springs and met their doom," Ryouga interrupted impatiently, reciting the information as if by rote. "Now anyone unfortunate enough to be touched by a Jusenkyo spring's waters takes on the form of the creature that drowned in that spring. Hot water changes them back, but cold water reactivates the curse. Believe me, miss, I know Jusenkyo and its horror far better than anyone ever should."

Having heard the anguish in her customer's voice as he talked about Jusenkyo, the merchant sighed and nodded her head. "Very well then. I can hazard a guess now why you're so interested in Spring of Drowned Boy water, but please be advised that Jusenkyo is by its very nature chaotic. Using its power-whether for good or evil-often has unintended consequences. Now if you'll hold on for just a second..."

The merchant returned her gaze to her computer monitor and double-checked something.

"You're in luck, sir. We happen to have a single barrel of cursed Jusenkyo water from the Spring of Drowned Boy available in Aisle 3, Section Q. And because you're a first-time customer and have a 'special' need for it, the barrel is on sale for cheap. Today only and just for you."

For the briefest of seconds Ryouga greeted this news with cynical suspicion. He'd been let down by alleged cures before, and it often seemed that whenever his life appeared to improve he was actually being set-up for crushing disappointment and/or painful humiliation in the near future in a bizarre-and completely unfair, he would add-karmic balance. Experience was not always the best teacher for the Lost Boy, though, and his initial distrust was soon utterly eclipsed by the sheer joy he felt at a cure being within arm's reach. After all, this was an opportunity for him to turn his life around and finally be a whole man again, right? He would be a fool if he didn't take it, and it wasn't as if his life could actually get any worse. Right?

"Deal!" he answered excitedly as he reached for his wallet and began to count out currency, so happy he didn't even ask how much the shopkeeper wanted or notice that she didn't seem bothered that he was paying with a mix of yen, renminbi, and Euros.

With the tragedy of Jusenkyo lifted from me, nothing will stop me now. Nothing!

OOOoooOOOOOOoooOOO

"Nothing is going to stop me from writing a story so brilliant that Murakami Haruki will weep in envy! Nothing! Not the self-limiting conventions of modern literature, not the seven day deadline, and especially not your laziness, Kyon, so stop sulking and help inspire me!"

I shook my head long-sufferingly as Haruhi leveled her potent glare at me. Her light brown eyes flashed with annoyance that would have been relatively harmless had their owner not also possessed godlike reality-warping powers that caused me no end of problems despite Haruhi's complete ignorance of them. Sometimes I wondered if my life would be any better if my tyrannical classmate learned the truth about herself...but only in the sense one wonders if ants really would destroy the world within a week if given nuclear weapons. It wouldn't even take Haruhi that long; simply convince her that she has the power to change the world and then watch as she resets the universe. It had almost happened once, and I wasn't looking forward to a repeat.

Yes, this is what my once promisingly normal high school experience has sunk to: keeping Haruhi entertained enough that her subconscious doesn't remake the world out of boredom. And if anyone thinks that sounds like fun, try being stuck in an infinite time loop and repeating the same two weeks 15,532 times.

"It's just a school assignment," I protested in the vain hope Haruhi would listen to common sense for once in her life. "You could probably turn in a 10 page story about my cat and still get a good grade."

For a brief moment Haruhi's eyes gleamed with a burst of frightening creativity as she contemplated the idea and I wondered tiredly if Shamisen would be making philosophical statements in Japanese again when I returned home. Luckily, though, Haruhi dismissed the idea just as quickly and resumed scowling with a disgusted huff.

"Don't be stupid, Kyon. No one wants to read a story with a cat as the main character unless Studio Ghibli is involved! Now everyone, do your duty as my loyal SOS Brigade henchmen and help me get over my writer's block! No, not you, Kyon. I've given up on you 'cause you're hopeless. Koizumi, Yuki, Mikuru, any ideas?"

Koizumi Itsuki, esper boy wonder and secret agent of the equally secretive Organization, looked away from the shogi game we were playing and directed the indulgent smile plastered on his face Haruhi's way.

"I'm afraid I'm at a loss, Miss Suzumiya. Writer's block or not, though, I'm sure you'll pass in a wonderful story."

Nagato Yuki, humanoid interface of the Data Integration Thought Entity and resident alien bookworm, was unsurprisingly similarly unhelpful. Sitting in her customary chair by the window, she looked up briefly from her book, shook her head once in the negative, and returned to reading.

-Sigh- Strike 2 going on 3. Do I have to do everything around here?

The heavenly time-traveling Asahina Mikuru was next on Haruhi's glower list and reacted with predictable timidity as she "eeped" and tried to hide behind me. Oh Mikuru, how I'd love to be your white knight in shining armor and protect you from dragon Haruhi but alas; even Saint George armed with Ascalon would have trouble fighting this serpent.

"Argh! Is this the best my Brigade can do? You're supposed to spread excitement all over the world with me, not sit around stewing in mediocrity! Clearly meeting in the same clubroom day after day has led to creative stagnation, so as your fearless leader I'm ordering us all out into the great wide world. And don't let the storm outside bother you. Neither rain nor fire will stop the SOS Brigade! When we meet again tomorrow I expect all of you to have at least one-no, at least two ideas brilliant enough to be called the second coming of the Tale of Genji!"

Setting the bar awfully high, aren't you Haruhi? Still, maybe if I'm lucky this'll let me spend the evening with the adorable Asahini-

"Kyon, you're with me because you're so lazy you won't get anything done if somebody doesn't keep a constant eye on you! Yuki, Mikuru, Koizumi, you three head towards Kabutoyama Forest Park. Kyon and I will head towards Koshien. Understood? Good. Dismissed!"

I really should've seen that coming.

OOOoooOOOOOOoooOOO

Hibiki Ryouga was lost, late for a duel, and drenched. Any one of these three would have normally been enough to plunge him into despair, but today the Eternally Lost Boy found he couldn't care less. Lost? That was hardly anything new, and instead of worrying why not enjoy the great wide world? Late? Serves that jerk Ranma right! After the hell his rival had put him through it was only fair that Ranma wait a few more days for him to show up. Soaked to the bone by cold rain water?

"Hahahaha!"

The laughter that erupted from Ryouga's throat was borderline maniacal but unmistakably jubilant. It also-in combination with the red umbrella strapped to his backpack that remained counter-intuitively unopened despite the evening's downpour-earned him several odd looks from those he passed on the city street, but he was too happy to feel self-conscious. It had been...so long since he'd been able to enjoy the simple, gentle touch of rain on his skin or listen to the soft sound of falling raindrops without feeling apprehension in his heart. The sheer joy and utter relief he felt now that he was cured and no longer needed to fear turning into a piglet when exposed to cold water...it was indescribable.

The world may be a dark and lonely place, but moments like this make it all worth it, the wandering martial artist thought with a good-natured chuckle. Noticing that the rain was starting to taper off, he spared a look up at the gray clouds above and then slowly surveyed his surroundings to get his bearings.

"Huh. I suppose I'd better ask for directions from someone soon. I don't want to keep Ranma waiting too long, and the sooner I get to Nerima the sooner I can pound his face in and ask A-A-Akane out on a date," he finished with a nervous stammer as he reached into one of his backpack's side-pockets and fished around for the map he remembered placing there. Once he dug that out all he needed to do was find someone to give him directions and then make a beeline straight for Nerima and everything would be golden!

...Okay, even he knew it wouldn't be that easy, but taking his directional problems and embarrassingly acute nervousness around cute girls in stride he was _sure_ he'd finally be able to make progress with Akane this time. He could even ask Ukyo for help too! With all of their previous break-up-Ranma-and-Akane schemes having failed their next one was bound to be a success through statistical odds alone. All he needed to do was to get directions and get to Nerima and then everything would sort itself out.

"Life," he couldn't help remarking with an irrepressibly happy grin on his face, "is wonderful."

OOOoooOOOOOOoooOOO

"Damn it, we've been searching for almost an hour and still haven't found anything inspiring. Why is the world so boring? Life sucks!"

More like thirty-five minutes, Haruhi, and it's not like you can expect the nine muses of ancient Greek myth to descend from Mount Helicon and hand deliver you a good story. Though, come to think of it, this whole yet-another-waste-of-my-time-because-of-Haruhi fiasco does raise an unusual question.

"This is a first for you, isn't it?"

Haruhi looked up at me, annoyance mixed with determination on her face, as we walked together on the sidewalk through urban Nishinomiya. The rain had stopped shortly after we left the school together, the last rays of the sun were disappearing on the horizon, and the city's lights were starting to turn on. It was the very picture of a peaceful evening, but I knew that if I didn't figure out what was wrong with my classmate soon and fix it I would inevitably be dragged into another crisis with the fate of the world at stake.

-sigh- I never thought junior high would look good in retrospect, but those years don't seem that bad now...

"Writer's block, I mean," I clarified, resolved to see this through now that I'd taken the initial plunge. "You've never lacked for ideas before, and this whole situation doesn't...seem like you. What happened to the Ultra-Director of the Adventures of Asahina Mikuru Episode 00?"

Haruhi ground her teeth and glanced away but not before I caught the flash of irritation aimed at herself for once. Curiouser and curiouser.

"Writer's block isn't the right word. I have plenty of great ideas for this writing assignment. Dozens. Hundreds, even! It's just...none of them are good enough!"

Melancholy and frustration entered Haruhi's voice as she continued, and I felt my own spirits sink with hers but for entirely different reasons. Please God, if you're not Haruhi, don't let the world end tonight.

"The Adventures of Asahina Mikuru? Been there, done that, already have the next two films and a prequel trilogy planned out. Oh, and I expect even better special effects than your mediocre effort last time, Kyon, so you'd better be ready!"

Ugh. More like I'd better put more effort into finding my mysterious benefactor from last time, but what Haruhi doesn't know-wait, that idiom doesn't work at all here.

"My movie expanded the horizons of cinematic achievement, and I want to do the same for the written word. Write a story so brilliant and so awesome that it'll win the Naoki Prize for literature and kindle a creative fervor among the nation! And to do this I need a truly unique idea, something so original that not even I have thought of it before. I won't stand for anything less than perfect, and my hundreds of ideas-as good as they are-aren't new to me. I need...something bold and super amazing, but I'm not sure what yet."

So wait...Haruhi, whose ideas are normally so outside the box they need to call her long distance, wants something even further out of the box? Quick Kyon, think of something fast before you wake up in a world with teenage mutant ninja turtles!

"There's more to writing a masterpiece than doing something new," I pointed out, masking the urgency I felt as we stopped at an intersection and waited for the crossing signal. "Some of the best stories ever written are those that depict simple, everyday life or revisit familiar themes, and many authors would say that creating characters readers care about and can relate to is more important than plot. After all, who wants to read a story that's nothing but a brilliant idea with no heart or soul?"

Haruhi sighed. "And who ever said the two are mutually exclusive? Any story I write is going to have an exciting plot and extraordinary characters. I just need an idea that bridges the two, and it won't come to me if I simply stand still and wait for it. Inspiration needs to be hunted down, seized, and throttled until it's sweating pools of pure unadulterated creativity for me to imbibe in a goblet carved from a human skull! So c'mon and hurry up, Kyon. You're slowing me down."

Transforming words into action, Haruhi promptly grabbed my arm and pulled me after her across the street the instant the light changed. Used to all manner of abuse and manhandling from her by now I merely exhaled sadly at the rough treatment and resigned myself to another lost night dragged along after Haruhi's whims instead of studying. Sorry Mom, Dad, but if I don't get into Todai at least you'll know who to blame.

"Excuse me, but would you two happen to know the way to the Tendo Dojo?"

The voice pulled the two of us up short, and Haruhi and I both stopped at the opposite corner and turned to regard the young man standing next to a lamppost who'd asked the question. He looked to be about our age and had rain-slicked shaggy black hair held out of his brown eyes by a peculiar yellow and black checkered bandana. He carried a large, brown canvas backpack on his back with a red umbrella strapped to the top and was holding a map (Was that a picture of Tokyo Disneyland on the front?) upside-down in his right hand while the other scratched the back of his neck in clear embarrassment.

I thought: This guy's kind of goofy looking. What is he, a tourist?

Haruhi's thoughts, on the other hand, took an entirely different direction.

"Tendo Dojo?" she repeated thoughtfully, a spark of excitement simmering in her voice as she mulled over the stranger's question. "Let me guess: you're a martial artist on your way to a duel with your arch rival for the heart of a girl!"

I barely repressed my face-palm. As if, Haruhi. That kind of stuff only happens in manga-

"Wow! Something like that. How'd you know?" The young man asked with awe in his voice, apparently astounded by Haruhi's deductive abilities.

Crap. I don't know if that's surprise or pleasure at being right on your face right now, Haruhi, but please let this lie. Remember, you're interested in aliens, time travelers, and espers, not martial artists!

Haruhi did not hear my silent plea.

"I'm awesome like that," she explained with a broad smile on her face and a bright-I would say dangerous-gleam in her eyes. "Tell me, do you get attacked by ninjas on a daily basis? Or know any secret techniques that can kill a person just by poking them?"

The alleged martial artist's demeanor darkened instantly at that last question, and he opened his mouth-Please don't notice his fangs, Haruhi-to say something, frowned, and then chuckled weakly.

"N-n-no, none of the killing variety. Those types of techniques are dangerous, and I'm not sure I'm...ah, at the point where I trust myself to use them responsibly."

So no epic kung fu North Star rip-off death touch? That's a small relief. Still, I'd better say something and take control of this conversation before it gets any stranger and Haruhi's subconscious fills the world with characters from Street Fighter.

"I can't say I've heard of this Tendo Dojo before. Can you be more specific about where you're trying to get to?"

The stranger flashed me a grateful look, seemingly relieved about the change in topic from Mortal Kombat inspired fatalities.

"How about Nerima, then? I'd also settle for directions to Tokyo. I'm reasonably sure I can find my way from there."

Had I not been seized by a sense of growing panic I might have actually been amused by the sound of genuine surprise in Haruhi's voice.

"Tokyo? That's over 300 miles east of here!"

"Is it? Good! That means I'm closer than I thought. I can probably get there in a day or two on foot if I'm lucky..."

"Why don't you take a bus to the nearest train station and catch the JR from there instead?" I spoke up again, hoping to interrupt Haruhi's fanciful imagination before it went and made an already weird situation into something even an avante-garde post-modernist artist would gawk at.

The martial artist shrugged. "Meh, the last time I rode the JR I took a nap and woke up on the Trans-Siberian halfway to Moscow. Stupid train conductor not announcing the line change. I trust my feet more, anyway. At least I can be assured of waking up in the morning in the same place I set up my tent the night before...usually."

Haruhi's entire face lit up at this comment as her mind put two and two together and got three.

"Aha! Sounds like you're a frequent alien abductee! The extraterrestrials are doubtlessly interested in your martial arts skills and kidnap you while you sleep to probe your mind and perform intrusive tests on your body! Quick, take off your shirt so I can see if you have any scars!

With a beleaguered sigh I stepped forward to stop the SOS Brigade Chief before she tore the stranger's clothes off his body, but the young man reacted even faster. Emitting an inarticulate choke of embarrassment at the thought of being undressed in public by a high school girl, he hurriedly stepped back-no, step isn't the right word. More like he glided back across the concrete out of Haruhi's reach, his steps so fast I couldn't even see them.

"A-ha-ha...I, um, d-d-d-don't think that w-w-would...um," he stuttered nervously, eyes partially glazed and unfocused before he finally seemed to make the intelligent realization that spending more time around Haruhi would be dangerous for his modesty and any sense of dignity he might possess. "Ah, l-l-look at the t-t-time! I really n-n-n-need to get to the T-T-Tendo Dojo so...ah, thanks for the directions. Bye!"

The young man, bowing once politely, turned to leave, but Haruhi was not quite done with him yet.

"Wait! What's your name?" she shouted.

"Hibiki Ryouga," he called back automatically as he rounded a corner and disappeared from sight. Haruhi, pausing for just a second, ran after him and I ran after her, but by the time we reached the same corner there was no sign of him. He was gone...but not out of a certain girl's mind, unfortunately.

"Kyon," the SOS Brigade Chief announced excitedly, entire being alight with inspiration. "I have an absolutely awesome idea for my story!"

-Sigh- I'm sure you do, Haruhi. I'm sure you do, and that's what I'm afraid of.

OOOoooOOOOOOoooOOO

Haruhi called out the customary "Tadaima!" as she entered her parents' house, took off her shoes, put on a pair of slippers, and stormed up to her bedroom.

Stupid Kyon, she thought irritably, a frown on her face as she sat down at her desk and took out a notebook of lined paper. Criticizing my story idea when his only suggestion was to write about a cat. He clearly has no appreciation for true genius! Well, I'll show him and all of Japan how to write a short story!

Haruhi tapped a finger impatiently against the wood surface of her desk, a pensive expression on her face as she mulled over where to start. And then inspiration struck, a frightfully excited smile formed, and she grabbed a pencil and began to write.

The Adventures of Hibiki Ryouga Book 00!

"This-" Haruhi said with an eager grin that those who knew her best might call diabolic. "-is going to be absolutely terrific!"

Addendum: This story is in not a sequel to my previous works, Ryouga vs the Road Runner and Magical Girl Ranko vs Z-Fighter Ryouga, despite the similar titles. This story was originally entitled The Adventures of Hibiki Ryouga Book 00, but I changed it in favor of the current title because I preferred the way Haruhi vs Hibiki sounded and because this title does a better job of establishing from the get-go that this is a crossover between the Ranma and Haruhi series. I definitely did not choose the current title in a blatant attempt to leech off the popularity of my previous works of fan fiction, nope and no siree, though if you by happenstance want to read the stories mentioned above they're available under my Fanfiction-net profile. They come TV Tropes recommended too!

Joking aside, it's been a while since I've written fan fiction and there are a few people who I owe thanks to for getting me motivated again. I'm not going to name names, but one of them is a long-time reader who recently contacted me and let me know how much he'd enjoyed reading one of my earliest works of fan fiction, No Need for a Team-Up!, back when it first appeared on the internet. This story has not aged well and Fanfiction-net ate the formatting years ago leaving the story a jumbled mess, but it meant a lot to me to learn that something I'd written-however ineptly-had given this reader an abiding interest in the crossover genre that still endures today. Additionally, more than a few of my favorite fan fiction writers have been working on massive projects that, quite bluntly, blow my past writing accomplishments out of the water. This is more than a little humbling, but the example these writers set with their dedication is galvanizing and inspires me to write more myself. Either that or it irks my pride enough that I need to write more simply to maintain my ego, but I prefer to think it's the former.

As for what brought this story on, my original plan was to write an El-Hazard and Ranma ½ crossover fusion with members of the Nerima Wrecking Crew taking the place of the Shinonome characters. They'd be adventure, romance, and the hilarity of Kasumi with Fujisawa's superpowers! I even already had most of the story plotted out in my mind and only needed to iron out a few kinks, but while I was working on untangling these plot point I took a break to watch anime music videos on Youtube and happened to rediscover one starring Asakura Ryoko set to Portal's "Still Alive" song.

"No, don't let her smile sway you!" I thought in vain. "You've been contemplating writing this El-Hazard crossover on and off for years now. Don't completely change the plan just because one anime character is cute! Besides, how would you even write a Haruhi/Ranma crossover? It's not like-wait, that sounds like an interesting idea. Maybe I should-no! Remember El-Hazard! You want to write a...oh snap."

The moral of the story? TV Tropes isn't the only website that can ruin your life, and I have a weakness to cute. Anyway, even though this isn't the story I initially intended to write, I hope this story's readers will enjoy the tale anyway. Thanks for giving this work of fan fiction a chance. Until next time.