Trip Down Memory Lane
Summary: Meredith takes a trip down memory lane as she realizes something unexpected. Set 15 years after season 5 finale.
Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any of the characters.
A/N: This is my first fic and it took me a lot of courage to post it. So please don't be too hard on me. Thank you.
Meredith sat on the cold bathroom floor her back against the bathtub staring at the stick. In three minutes she'll know if her perfect life was about to change or not. Three minutes. An then … But a new wave of nausea interrupted her thoughts. She reached for the toilet knocking something down as she did so. "Crap!" she mumbled. Thank god Derek was on-call tonight. She didn't need him pacing outside the bathroom door begging her to tell him what was wrong. But she wasn't completely safe. If she counted, she would probably have gotten to five, before she heard a soft knock on the door.
"Mom, are you ok in there?" a worried voice asked.
"I'm fine, sweetheart. I'll be out in a few minutes. Sorry that I woke you up." she said to the girl on the other side of the door.
"You didn't wake me, I was reading. Are you sure you're ok?" she asked again.
Meredith couldn't help a smile, her father should be proud, she was definitely his.
"Yes, Addie, I'm sure, you can go back to bed" she told her.
"Fine, but you have five minutes to come out of there before I come back" the girl mumbled and Meredith heard her walking away from the door.
She sighed. This was the second time she used a home pregnancy test. The "result" of the first one was currently worrying about her a few doors away down the hall. When the stick turned blue fifteen years ago had she been more prepared to be a mother, than she would be if this one turned blue? Would this be a better moment for the damn stick to turn blue? She had to admit that it would, although the first had been like a life saving device that prevented her from drowning in a sea of tears and pain...
She still had no idea what had made her do the test that particular day. She could have chosen the day before or she could have waited till after the funeral. The signs had been there for a while … Maybe she had needed something to pull her out of the pain. Maybe she had needed hope because George was dead and Izzie seemed to be clinging to life with her last forces. And if she was pregnant she wanted to be able to tell her that she would be an aunt... She wanted to tell Derek that he would be a father … And when she finally had the proof she didn't freak out. It surprised even her how confident she was.
She looked at the blue line: pregnant! She was pregnant! And she was happy. Yes, the world was still this dark place where kind, innocent people got sick or got hit by buses trying to save someone else's life, but this baby she was carrying would make it less darker at least for her. And for her daddy … her daddy. Meredith smiled. Why did she automatically assume that she was carrying a girl? Maybe it was this vision she had when she first thought about the possibility of being pregnant. This vision of a little girl with curly dark hair and blue eyes wrapping her tiny arms around her neck whispering "I love you, mommy". "I love you, too, baby" she whispered placing her hand protectively on her abdomen "Let's tell daddy about you"...
She still remembered his face when she told him. Amazement, happiness, love … Everything their world needed that moment. And hope. For a better future and a better world …
They were in Izzie's room when she told her and Alex. She had wanted to tell Cristina first, but she couldn't find her. She expected Izzie's reaction to be that large smile, but what she didn't expect was Cristina emerging from the bathroom looking kind of pale and Alex comments of how in med school they never told him pregnancy was contagious.
Meredith had referred to her baby as "she" from the moment she knew she was pregnant and when a few months later an ultrasound proved her right all people could do was frown at her "I told you so". Especially Derek who couldn't have been more annoying telling her that it could be a boy and she had no way of knowing it wasn't. Of course, she suspected that her idea of calling their baby daughter Addison annoyed him the most. True, it didn't seem normal to name your kid after your husband's ex-wife, but when had Meredith been normal? She felt she owed part of her happiness to that woman, because if she and Mark hadn't cheated, Derek wouldn't have come to Seattle and to Joe's … And Mark was going to be her godfather and she actually liked the name and she certainly wouldn't mind if one day her daughter would become a kick-ass surgeon who saved babies and looked like Isabella Rosselini.
She couldn't believe that it had been fifteen years since she had been pregnant. She remembered everything so well. Those months of bliss when she and Derek used to talk endlessly about the baby's middle name (in her opinion the first name wasn't up for debate) or what color they should use for the nursery or how Seattle Grace managed to handle Cristina and her, both hormonal and cranky, and their constant cravings for the most strange things that no one in his right mind would have ever thought of eating. And their wedding at City Hall, with Lexie, Mark, Owen and Cristina as witnesses and how she could barely contain laughter during the ceremony because she could hear Cristina's babbling to Owen about not wanting to get married not even after the little brat was born. She smiled again realizing how serious Cristina had been at the time and how she had stuck to her word for almost eight years.
She also remembered the pain and despair she and Derek felt when they were told she was at risk for pre-eclampsia and that the doctors might have to take the baby out before time if Meredith's life had been threatened. And how they managed to hurt eachother yet again. She had told Derek she would gladly risk her life for their daughter's, that she would die for her. And he snapped. He told her that it would be cruel to as him to choose but if he had to he would have choose her, because they could have another baby, but he could loose her, which had led a hormonal Meredith to believe that he didn't love their child enough. And then she snapped. And he had slept on the couch till the fateful night of her emergency C-section that had almost cost her her life …
But she lived. And when she woke up after the surgery to Derek sitting on chair beside her bed cradling their daughter in his arms she knew it was worth risking her life for that.
"Thank you" he told her when he saw her open her eyes. "She is the most amazing thing. She's beautiful. And she's … ours. And I'm so sorry I made you believe that I didn't love her enough ..."
"Derek" she interrupted his rambling "can I see my baby?" she asked with a faint smile.
"Yeah, yeah, sure" he answered quickly and helped her sit, then gently placed the baby in her arms.
"Hi, baby" she said not able to hold back her tears. She looked at Derek only to see that he had tears in his eyes, too. "Our baby" she whispered.
"Our baby" he agreed kissing her forehead.
That was how she, Meredith Grey – Shepherd met the person that was now the center of her life. Addison – Ellis Grey – Shepherd, her daughter. They still smiled every time someone would spell her full name.
"So, Addison" Meredith read the pink tag tied to her baby's hand and she lifted her gaze to look at her husband.
"I thought I was going to lose you, during the surgery and all I could think about was how we argued over the name. And it's not that bad ..." Meredith's smiled but her smile quickly faded as she read on "And … Ellis" She looked back at him "You named her after my mother, why?"
Derek shifted uncomfortably. He expected this to be a problem. "Richard" he shrugged. "He said something in her reminded him of your mother. And I know she was an awful mother, but you forgave her didn't you?"
"Yeah, I did" she agreed.
"I thought this would be a way to link a dark and twisty past to a bright and shiny future. Plus, I'm grateful to the other Ellis for giving birth to the most wonderful woman in the universe" he said and kissed her, then the baby's head.
Fourteen years later, Meredith still wondered what in her daughter's features could remind Richard of her mother. Because really the girl didn't look much like them and she looked even less like Ellis. She did have Derek's hair, but it was straight, not curly and she also had green eyes, but it wasn't that blueish green of Meredith's eyes …
"I still don't see any resemblance with my mother" Meredith said handing the baby to Mark who had been hovering outside Meredith's hospital room begging to be allowed to hold his goddaughter.
"That's because there isn't any" Derek said "But, hey, if the Chief says there is we have to believe him. He knew her better then we did."
"Nancy – Pants" Mark said.
"Huh?" Derek turned to him for an explanation, but Meredith nodded. "Yes, of course. How come I didn't realize it before?" then she turned to Derek. "Your sister, Nancy. That's who she reminded me of the moment I first saw her".
"What?" Derek walked over to Mark to look closer at his daughter.
"I'll be damn … She sure looks like Nance ..."
"I guess we found her a godmother" Meredith smiled.
"Mer, I'm sure Nancy would be thrilled but how about Cristina?" Derek asked .
"I'm sure she won't mind. Right now she has her hands full with Steven" she reassured him.
"I'll call Nancy" Derek said and pulled out his cell phone.
A knock on the door brought her back to the present.
"Your five minutes are up" Addie's voice rang outside the door.
"In a minute, sweetie" she said glancing at the watch. If Addie said five minutes had passed then … the test …
"Fine, one more minute. I'll count to sixty and if you're not out of there I'm calling dad"
"Addison – Ellis are you threatening me?" Meredith managed to say in order to buy herself some time while staring at the blue line.
"Exactly" the girl answered then added "I'm counting now" and Meredith heard till six as her daughter walked away.
"I thought I was going to lose you. Don't ever scare me like that" Derek had said climbing in bed next to her and holding her tight after the nurse took Addie back to the nursery. And she never did. Because she never got pregnant again after Addie. She had to admit she was scared too. Scared that she might push her luck if she tried to do the pregnancy thing again. Scared that she might die and the pain she would cause them would change Derek and Addie forever. She had wanted more kids and she was certain Derek did too, but she had gotten used to the idea that maybe this was how it was supposed to be. But she couldn't help feeling a bit sad every time a new baby was born in their "family". Because only Izzie and Alex had one child, seven years old Alexandra Karev. Cristina and Owen's second son, Amos, was born the same year as Alexandra and Lexie and Mark's first daughter, Susan – Anna, who had been followed by Diana – Meredith and Anthony – Derek, two and five years later...
"SIXTY!" she heard Addie shout from downstairs.
"I'm out!" she shouted back slamming the bathroom door behind her.
A thousand questions buzzed in her head as she made her way downstairs into the kitchen. Could she do this again? Wasn't she too …. old? What would Derek say? How would it affect Addie? She was after all used to be number one …
"Comfort food" Addie said placing an ice cream bowl in front of her. She smiled and Meredith smiled back and they both dug their spoons into the ice cream at the same time.
"Addie …." Meredith said looking at her daughter.
"Yeah?" she answered her mouth full of ice cream.
"You know that I love you and that nothing could change that. Or no one. You do know that right?" Meredith asked and waited for her daughter to react.
Addie placed her spoon on the counter and looked at her mother with a smile. "Mommy, are you trying to tell me something? Because you have been sick a lot lately and I sort of saw a home pregnancy test in your bathroom when I was looking for your conditioner earlier, mine's not working anymore, and you spent a lot of time in the bathroom tonight, so mom are you trying to tell me that you're pregnant? Because it's ok if you are. I mean I know I used to say that I never wanted to share anything every time I got into fights with kids in day care over toys or sweets. And that I cried a whole day when Uncle Mark told me he was going to have a little girl of his own, because I was afraid he wouldn't love me anymore. But mom, I grew out of that, you know … So if you worry about me, don't. Because I'd be happy to have a brother or a sister."
Meredith had tears in her eyes when she stood and hugged her daughter.
"When will you tell daddy?" Addie asked.
"Why don't we tell him together?" Meredith suggested.
"Really?" Addie's face lit up. "But isn't this something that the wife should do, um … alone?" she asked.
"Addison – Ellis, it's time you found out that your mother never does things the way she should" Meredith said causing Addie to giggle.
Maybe doing the pregnancy thing again wasn't such a bad idea.