You're not here
I poured out this little one shot as I felt a bit low and so I am not sure whether it's actually my emotion or Kakashi's. Nonetheless, I hope the Kakashi here is not out of character and that well, it's kind of my first angst work. Sigh.
Vi.
O o o o o O o o o o O
In Konoha Hospital
War has finished 6 months ago and almost everything in the village has gone back into order. The village was resting quietly and peacefully. The night was dark as the moon was not seen anywhere in the black sky and the only light that was available was the dim reading lamp that stood solidly on the bedside drawers.
A silver hair man lie on the bed by the light, and a deck of bright colour books accompanied the man. The man rolled his head extremely slowly and looked at the view outside the window. He was dying; he knew that clearly. Since his ex-protégé pushed his sword right thought his abdomen, he knew that he would be leaving the village that he served throughout his life soon. He sighed softly and pulled a bitter smile, as he did not die during the war, but killed by his student.
Although it's not the same view, he remembered the days when he looked by his side, there was no one there. Never, there was anyone for him, not even his family.
He recalled the days when he started to complete ANBU missions. He managed to keep a good record until the mission at the far end of Kaminari no Kuni. He fell so miserably that his taicho has to leave him at one of the resting point that was own by the alliance of Konoha. He remembered the days when he was laying on the bed, thinking about the man that he missed. It was still dark in the village, but he knew that it was already morning in Konoha and the man was getting dress to work. He has lived with the man since his chichiue's death. He knew every single habit that their Hokage has. He could imagine the path that the man has taken and the people that he would encounter. He wished he were there. But he knew that since the man was appointed as the Hokage, they could no longer turn back. He simply missed the man's kisses and his soft voice.
He closed his eyes slowly as he permitted the darkness to take over and let his memory projected the images in his brain.
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He knew that the man did not want to send him to this particular mission, as then he had to be away from the village for 4 months. It was the first time ever he was not beside the man for such long period. Since the man was introduced as his sensei, he has been with the man for almost 24/7 as they trained together, ate together and even sharing the same bed together. He was the man's second shadow, a separate limp. Without the man, the loneliness was painful and life seemed as dull as a monologue.
That particular mission continued and the team only heard from their village 2 months later on. Along with the normal ANBU scrolls, the messenger delivered a red scroll, which was addressed to him specially. He remembered how his comrades teased him, as it was so rare for an ANBU agent to receive personal mails during missions.
He remembered how the words on that scroll torn his heart apart, how the words have haunted him throughout the mission. Although he managed to put on his calm mask, he knew that he was shuttered into pieces. He did not say anything to the messenger and simply acknowledged the information. He refused to believe as the man has promised him. He knew, well at least that was what he believed in, the man loved him.
His bones ached as he tried his best to keep himself up straight. The tattoo on his back was screaming at him, as if it was implanted yesterday. Only a few knew the existence of his tattoo, as it would bring their Hokage a massive sex sandal.
Initially, he refused the man's suggestion as he has considered the side effect that it would cause. But when the man marked his arms with the hidden leaf tattoo, he accepted the man's forceful, yet persuasive demand. He laid down obediently and allowed the man to cast his name,ミナト, on his vertebrae. The man's voice was still in his mind: "instead of Sakumo senpai's tanto, from now on, I will be with you, for always. And of cause, you would be mine; my precious possession."
O o o o o O o o o o O
Before he could soak himself into his memories again, a female voice was calling him, "Kaka-sensei. Kaka-sensei."
The voice was familiar. He pulled a small smile as he remembered who the owner was , even though he did not open his eyes. It was his first protégé, Sakura. He was proud to have such kunoichi as his student, as she was talented and loyal.
He witnessed the downfall as well as the rising of his beloved village. The only disappointment that was the man was not there. He was not there for him. He was not there when he needed him most.
After the man's death, lots of people have accompanied him and also left him. Rin, Shisui, Karou, Hitomi and Akira were killed during missions. Itachi flew the village after he slaughtered his entire clansman. Asuma was killed and Tenzo was kidnapped and only came back as a small unit was sent to destroy Kabuto's base. Gai was there as always but then he managed to find his other half. Although everyone in the village was there, it was different. Without the mop of gold that he has followed since he learnt how to kill, the village was never the same.
Time travelled quickly. He thought that he could not stand the loneliness. He thought that he could hate him. But sadly, he could not, no matter how hard he tried. "Earnestness can't guarantee that your dreams will come true, Kakashi- kun," the man said as he confronted the man on the night before the man's wedding. Once the words were out in the air, he left the room immediately as he knew, no matter what, in sadness or in happiness, the man would not be in his life again. He would not be there anymore.
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"Kakashi senpai!" a male was calling him.
"Kaka-sensei," a female was echoing from behind.
He heard people were calling his name. But he was way too tired. He thought he could finally have time to soak himself into his memories, for which he has sealed his heart years ago, since the man has scarified himself for the village, in order to seal the Kyuubi into his only son.
Since that day, he learnt how to smile, even in the extreme situation. He has learnt how to disguise his true feelings under his smile. He covered most of his emotions under the bright cover of the erotic novel.
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"KAKA- SENSEI!"
He opened his eyes really slowly and only revealing a very small amount of his iris, as his ears were bombard by the man who was calling him. 'Min…' he thought, but then he corrected himself quickly, 'no, it's Naruto.'
"KAKA-SENSEI!" the man shook him vigorously. "Wake up detta-byo!"
He simply let his head swing and then dropped back onto the pillow heavily as he could hear the arrival of his other remaining protégé.
'Naruto,' he thought. The boy, now, the young man was the man's son. No matter how hard he tried to persuade himself as well as Sandaime that he was not the right sensei for the boy; he simply could not refuse the old man's request. Even though he knew that his heart would ache every time he saw the boy, but, nonetheless, he promised the man that he would be the boy's mentor.
Seeing the boy's growth, he sometimes wondered whether it was the man's intention. Since the boy was under his guidance, he began to feel that the man has not left him. He was always there as he has promised. Obviously, it was not true. He knew that clearly, as there was no right for him to force the boy to live under his chichiue's shadow. The boy was different, nothing similar to the man. He has inherited his hahaue's characters.
"KAKA-SENSEI!"
The young man's voice echoed in his ear ducts again. He finally opened his own eye softly, and opened his lips fragilely, "N-nar-ruto, da-aijoubu, I-I am j-just get-ting lo-oss in t-the path-h of life. Y-ou have made m-me p-proud, same as Sa-kura."
As he finished, he closed his eyes again, as he saw another mop of gold by the end of the bed.
"KAKA-SENSEI!" the addressed man and woman screamed.
"Kakashi- senpai…" the mokuton user moaned on his wheelchair.
"Kakashi," the blond medic ordered in her stern voice, "wake up. I have not discharge you from your duty, Wolf. Remember your vow."
However, the noisy has reached his eardrums, but his brain was no longer processing the signals that were received. He was at the beginning of a light channel, and the man was standing by the entrance.
The man lifted his arm and offered him his palm, "Kakashi, I have come to pick you up."
He stared at the offered palm; the palm that he has hold so many times and he has missed so many years. But, suddenly, he has no urge to take the offer up.
"Is this the way to heaven or to hell?" he asked. Once he spoke the last word, he was amazed that he could actually make a joke in front of the man.
"Er… of cause to heaven, Kakashi," the man replied slightly uncomfortably, as he did not expect such eccentric question. It was not something that the boy that he knew would do.
"I see, Hokage sama," he replied politely and began to make his way to the light.
"Kakashi," the man embraced him from behind, "my Kashi…"
He brushed away the arms softly, "please respect yourself, Hokage-sama." Without waiting for the man's response, he continued his journey towards the end of the channel. He lipped the words without making any sound:
"When I needed you, you weren't here;
When I needed your love, you weren't here.
For happiness and sadness, you weren't here;
I learnt to deal with my wounds when you weren't here.
I helped to raise your son up when you weren't here;
I understand all the issues and consideration,
But do you understand the torture that I have been though?"
"Just like air, its existence is almost inexistent,
Love is not here anymore.
It has not even left its trace on our path.
Time has already swiped away my feelings."
The man stood at the spot quietly and no one could read his emotions from his face. He simply dropped his arms by his side. There was only one chance and he has let his love slipped away. He has chosen the village over the boy that he loved, not once, but twice. He thought the boy would have understood. 'No, he did,' he corrected himself. 'He did perfectly well. He bought up my son… It is actually my fault…'
The man sighed regrettably and slowly moved towards the end of the channel as it disappeared into the thin air.
O o o o o O o o o o O
Even though he thought his story would have disappeared into the air, he thought that his love would not be heard of again, but he was wrong.
"Kaka-sensei," the once ramen lover stood beside the bed, murmured softly. He kicked out everybody from the room, as he wanted to help the man dress alone, having his last moment with the man that he loved dearly. He took the patient gown off gently and untied his sensei's dog tag tenderly. He laid the man down and added the man's tag to his necklace. The tag passed the coldness of the corpse to his warm skin. His tears slid down his cheek mutely.
When he pulled the man up to put on a clean standardised jounin shirt, he saw the tattoo that was engraved on the man's spine. He traced the words gingerly with his index finger, "Mi-na-to…" he whispered. The feeling was mixed. He was jealous, hurt, disturbed and saddened. He now understood his mother's words. He finally understood why his mother asked him to look after the man.
His sensei has loved his father to his bones. His father was everything that the man has believed in, the backbone that supported the man throughout of his life.
He pulled the shirt down and covered the words. He then put on a pair of standardised trouser for the man. He carefully studied the man's face and traced the scar with his finger. Without his sensei's sharingan, there were only two left in this world; and the owner was the reason of the man's death. He tightened his fists and let lose. His anger was consuming his heart, but he knew that he would not kill the man, his once important comrade, as that was not something that his sensei would like to see.
He placed his first as well as the last kiss on the man's cold lips before he pull the black fabric up to cover the majority of the man's face. He tied the hitai-ate and covered the eye as well as the scar. He put on the man's jounin jacket and pouches, in which the man's favourite orange book was in there.
The door opened swiftly and unexpectedly. Naruto raised his gaze and saw the man's ninken. The pug ran towards him with a golden kunai in its mouth, while the other seven dogs stood quietly by the doorway. "Even though Kakashi said he would not want it, I know for certain that he would like to have this kunai with his ashes," the pug said as he took the kunai from the dog's mouth. "We will be at the Wake if you need us," it spoke softly as he moved towards the door and slid it shut smoothly.
He did not say a word, but placed the kunai into his pouch. He lifted up the body and placed it into the coffin next to the bed gently.
"Kakashi- sensei, gomeifuku wo inorimasu," he finally spoke and closed the lid of the coffin. He slid the door open, letting his comrades into the room and lifted the coffin towards the hall together.
"Kakashi- sensei, arigatou."
Fin.
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Author's Notes
As I said, it's my first time to write angst, so please feel free to leave any comments, as I am more than happy to hear any suggestions.
Also, for this story, some of my inspiration is actually from Lee Hom's song, 你不在, it might bring up the mood that I have felt, if you listen to it. Anyway, it's just a suggestion and I need time to tidy up my emotions, as I really don't like reading or writing sad stories. They upset me.
Yanvi.