Skies After Storms:
The Story of Leah Clearwater
"Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world"
'Mad World' cover by Gary Jules
I sit in the forest and think, just think. About my life, and it's lackluster stature that's been the base of the events after Sam left me. About my decisions today, how the thoughts and scenarios tumbled through my head, all demanding to be the most poignant, but in the end I go with the same safely withdrawn response: 'Sorry, but I can't do it.' About the hurt look on Emily's marred face as I relayed the same response to her, the tears pooling into her eyes as I gave her one curt nod and walked out the door only to find myself here a few minutes later.
I was crying, but I kept my jaw clenched, determined to keep any lingering sobs inside of me. I was thankful for the thick underbrush that covered me from the outside world. The foliage was so densely enclosing me, that I knew somebody could pass not a foot away from me, and not notice my presence. Blissfully unaware of a crying girl huddled in the forest, crying and biting down on her lip so hard that it was a snowy white. Rainwater and tears mingling together. What a spectacle I was!
I could phase, but I didn't dare. They would come looking for me, not because they care, no, because Sam had the little scrap of decency to feel a little guilty about my cationic state that he left me in. The bastard.
I didn't pull a Bella when he left, though. I didn't stop functioning completely. I just was left floating in the land of forgotten thoughts and broken relationships. The only feelings I could trudge up from the shadowy depths of Leah-land were annoyance, hate, envy, wrath, and sadness. Endlessly sadness, call me cliché but Sam was my life. And I didn't know how much Sam's life intermingled with my own when it wasn't anymore...
I always had some mad hope that Sam would come back to me, I dreamed about it. And maybe in a world where mythical creatures didn't lurk in the shadows or freely roam the land, he would've. But, this is Leah-land where our motto is: not pessimistic, just realistic!
I think the exclamation point totally dilutes the dreary tone to Leah-land, but whatever.
After a few paragraphs of pining, I will finally get to the point, Emily and Sam have announced there engagement. And Emily actually has the nerve to approach me and ask me to be a bridesmaid. Her maid of honor, in fact. A pretty ballsy move if you ask me. I politely decline, walk out of the house and run to the forest. The only sanctuary I can think of, and in human walking distance.
I know what your saying: 'Geez, Leah didn't you see this coming? Is it really righteous of you to come and mind bash Emily and Sam?' Answer: Yes and No.
I completely saw this coming, I just brushed it off to the darkest alcoves of my mind.
Just like the cardboard box in the back of my closet where I store all of my keepsakes that remind me of Sam. The locket he'd given to me on our one year anniversary, a small heart shaped pendant on a delicate silver chain. On the right side of the locket there's a picture of me and him at senior prom: I was wearing a lilac prom dress that me and Mom had scoured the only department store in Port Angeles until we found it. It was perfect and it fit like a glove, I had used my money that I had been given from my late grandmother after her tragic demise to pay for it. It was two hundred dollars and some pocket change, and almost the exact same amount as the price tag on the dress. It was on the sale rack, 30% off, the a saleswoman admired it and claimed she'd never seen it on the rack when she passed periodically throughout the day.
She told me that it must've been discarded by a customer, and placed on the rack at random. The cashier winked at me and said she wouldn't tell if I didn't. A less lazy shopper, a stricter employee, a poorer grandmother and everything could've turned out differently. But, it didn't and I proclaimed that it was a good omen to my mother, as we walked out of the store; my shopping bag in my right hand and my arms swaying at my sides.
When prom finally rolled around, I'd walked gracefully down the staircase to meet a shell shocked Sam and a complaining father who said my dress was '... Way too short! Do you want to look like a prostitute, young lady?'.
The picture itself looked stiff and staged, but I used to love the memories it sprung: me and Sam dancing in the little gazebo, barley swaying with the music, just enjoying holding each other. For once, thank god, it wasn't raining and the sky was dotted with stars, and the moon was bigger than I'd ever seen it. He'd leaned down and I thought he was going to kiss me, so I did the same. But, instead he whispered 'You look beautiful, and I bet you'll look even more beautiful in a white dress...' it was the first time he ever expressed his intent to marry me, and I was ecstatic. It was one of the best nights of my life...
The picture on the left was a more relaxed picture: me and Sam at one of the many reservation bonfires, my head leaning onto his shoulder; a gesture that shouted 'We're together!' Seth had taken this picture, he had to have been nine at the time. Daddy had gotten him that damned camera for his birthday, carried it around everywhere. He once caught me and Sam in a partially steamy lip-lock and look a picture, screaming and running around the house claiming he was going to show it to dad when he got home.
I managed to wrestle it out of his grasp and threatened to take a picture of him while he was sleeping and distribute copies to everyone at his middle school. A very hefty thing to have weighted on your shoulders, due to the fact that he still slept with Dr. Cuddles, a stuffed bear. I found Dr. Cuddles in the garbage the next morning. I snuck him into my room and still sleep with him to this day. I haven't seen Seth with that camera since the Emily/Sam fiasco...
The next thing in the box was a dozen dried, dead roses that Sam had given me on our first date: he showed up at my doorstep; cute, nervous, and blushing, and presented me with a dozen orange roses. I gave him points for originality, and personalization since orange was my favorite color. When I prodded him about the color choice he ducked his head and told me he'd tracked down my best friend an interrogated her. Two more points for Sam Uley! When the night was over I leaned in for a kiss, but instead whispered in his ear that I'd had a nice time. A flirting tip I picked up from Seventeen Magazine. He'd been hooked after that...
The remaining contents of the neglected cardboard box consisted of a few love letters from Sam and a Valentines Day card he'd given me just four months before Emily came and stole everything...
And, my second response is: No, it's completely unethical for me to bash Emily and Sam--even if only I can hear it, the thing is the sheer finality of marriage severed the few strands of hope that me and my sanity clinged to. Sam was with Emily, I was destined to be alone for all of my unnaturally long life. Fate sucks.
I hear a few light footsteps in the thick underbrush, and, like a coil from a spring I jump onto all fours. My fingers keeping me steady on the damp ground. So much for going unnoticed. A large hand moves a few stubborn ferns out of their path and a large man steps out, Jacob. He slumps down on the log next to me, his knees rising all the way to his chest. He breaths heavily for a few minutes before speaking.
"Jesus, Lee! How long have you been out here?" he asks, I don't answer, I just stare straight ahead, studying a spider constructing her web. Jacob seems to finally come to the conclusion that I'm not going to answer him so he continues "I'm sorry, Lee. I really am. I know how you feel. That bloodsucker left Bella and she still loves him, even though he's never coming back she still hopes..."
I stick my hand up to silence him, "Please, don't start identifying me with Mrs. Leech Lover." I beg, my voice hoarse from crying and sitting in the rain so long. "It'll make us sound like we have comradeship or something."
He laughs, a low husky (no pun intended) laugh and continues, "I wasn't comparing you to Bella!" he exclaims, "I know this sounds horrible for her, but I don't have to worry about you falling apart while I'm gone. Not that you crying in the forest for hours is really helping my presumptions..." He trails off, and I smack him in the shoulder for mocking me. He yelps and looks at me accusingly, I chuckle.
"See," he says, rubbing the spot where I hit him, "You punch harder than any other girl I know!"
"Damn straight!" I say happily.
He chuckles at my amused expression, but his face darkens and he starts to speak again. "I told Bella about how you agreed to be a bridesmaid, today. She admired you, I admire you." he says all of this carefully, and puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder. As if he's trying not to upset my further.
Jacob, with his easy bright smile and carefree laugh, admires me. And his opinion is something I care about, this realization surprises me. And I jump up, I know what I have to do.
"Jake, I have to go! Thanks for everything!" I call out behind me, he nods and stares of into space with a longing in his expression. I run faster towards Sam and Emily's house.
~0~
I stand on the rickety wood porch, my hand raised as if to knock on the door, but then when I'm about an inch away from the inoffensive mahogany door, I back away precariously, like the doors going to strike me. I go through this about five times before the door is flung open by none other than Emily herself. Her eyes are filled with unshused tears and her face is broken into a joyous and relived smile, I feel queasy.
She ushers me inside hurriedly, and blubbers about how much she misses me. I don't say anything, and stay rigid when she embraces me. "I'm so sorry," she exclaims wiping a few stray tears off of her face, tear tracks glistening on her cheeks, "You must've come here for something!"
I nod, but it takes me a few seconds to find the words, "I'm sorry about my, um, freak out earlier. It was the first time somebody told me about the wedding, and--" "Wait, Sam didn't tell you?" she asks, "Ooh, somebody is sleeping in the guest room tonight!" she says, and somebody groans from the living room. "Leaves me to do the dirty work!" she grumbles, "Oh, sorry! Go on."
"What I'm trying to say is, I'd be honored to be your maid of honor." The words sound insincere to my ears, but Emily doesn't seem to notice, she's practically ecstatic. Oh, well maybe I'm just biased. Oops, Emily's prattling on about something and I'm sitting here talking to myself.
"...and I was thinking about having my bridesmaids dresses being the color lilac, y'know like the flower. Anyways, they'll all be the same shade. But, I won't each of them to be designed a little differently. Like, one will be form fitting and another will be a full skirt, and one will be V necked and the other square necked. Ooh, and--"
"Hey, Emily did you say lilac?" I ask, she nods and I take a deep breath, "Would you like to come over? I think I have the perfect dress..."
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