A random one shot I wrote, enjoy!
Coffee
Glorfindel yawned as he stumbled out of his room; he was still a little tired. The night before he had gotten back from a patrol, and he had another one to go on in a few hours. His days had been very busy lately, and-
Slam!
Glorfindel felt a body slam into him, he stepped back to see a scowling Erestor. "Sorry," the Balrog-slayer said. He wasn't really sorry, he was in a hurry. Hunger pains gnawed at him, but Erestor continued scowling.
"Are you going to move?" Erestor's arms were full with papers and books. Well, about half of that was on the floor now.
Glorfindel hurried around him, he was really hungry. He ran passed still half asleep elves, stumbling around the halls like zombies. But, wait, they didn't look like elves. ZOMBIE ATTACK! Glorfindel looked around him.
"I will slay you all!" He pulled out his sword.
"GLORFINDEL WAKE UP!" A voice yelled in his ear.
"AH!" Glorfindel shot up, clutching a hand over his ear. "Are you trying to make me go deaf!?"
"Yes," Elladan replied.
Glorfindel threw the nearest item at him, which happened to be a stuffed Balrog.
"Hey! We're did you get this?" Elladan asked.
"The Gondolin gift shop," Glorfindel replied, and then looked around. "No zombie attack, bummer."
"Yeah, that sucks," Elladan said. "But we get to go kill orcs today, so that should work."
"Yeah. I'm hungry," Glorfindel jumped up. "Wait, where is Elrohir?"
"He tried waking you with silence, it obviously didn't work. Now he's off sulking."
"Oh, okay." Glorfindel ran off, heading to the kitchen. Elladan followed. "You know what's funny?" Glorfindel said.
"What?" Elladan asked.
"In my dreams, Erestor is always the same. Just carrying paper work or sitting at his desk, not caring if a zombie is about to eat his brains out."
"What brains?" Elladan asked.
Glorfindel snickered. "That's a good one."
"No, really, I'm serious, what brains?"
Glorfindel shook his head and walked into the kitchen. Behind him, Elladan and Elrohir were snickering.
Glorfindel looked around; he saw mugs lined up, and plates of pastries beside them. He glanced around, the cook wasn't in sight. He picked up a sweet and popped it in his mouth, awesome yumminess filled his mouth.
He picked up a mug, and took a gulp.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH! Get it out! Get it out!" He shrieked. He swatted at his mouth, trying to get the foul taste out.
The cook came running in, and handed the golden-haired elf a cup of water. Glorfindel gulped it down, "More!" He gasped.
The cook gave him more water.
Glorfindel stuffed more sweets in his mouth, and drank the water. After about two hours of this, he got the taste out of his mouth. Also, he was no longer hungry.
"What was that horrible stuff?!"
"Coffee," the cook replied.
"Ugh! Who would drink the nasty stuff?!"
"It's a human drink," the cook said. "Some men are coming today, and Lord Elrond wanted some coffee for them."
"I need something to help me forget this-"
Suddenly, Legolas appeared, and thrust a cup of Kool-aid at him. "Here you go."
Glorfindel took a drink, "Mmm, this is good!"
Legolas grinned and vanished.
-.-
"Erestor!" Glorfindel gasped out.
Erestor looked up from his desk, "Yes? What is it?"
"I have had a traumatic experience! I need counseling!"
"Okay. What for? Family matters? Orc slaying?"
"Orc slaying?! Why would I need counseling for orc slaying?!"
Erestor shrugged. "Beats me. So what happened?"
"I drank coffee."
Erestor jerked up straight (he had mostly been ignoring Glorfindel). "Oh no! This is terrible! We must address the issue immediately!"
-.-
Glorfindel sat astride his majestic horse, ready for battle. "Ach!" He suddenly exclaimed.
Elrohir glanced over at him.
"Coffee," Glorfindel said.
"Oh. Ew! I can't believe you drank that stuff!"
"Well, I didn't know! No one told me humans were coming!"
"Sorry," Elrohir shrugged. "Oh, look, there's the orcs!"
The elves charged in, swords raised. Suddenly Glorfindel stopped the hunting party. "I have a better idea."
"Elladan. Coffee."
"What makes you think I brought coffee?"
"Elrohir."
"Yep, he sure did."
"W- why would you betray me? My own brother!" Elladan exclaimed. "NOOO!"
"Elladan."
"Yes?"
"You're the one that told me Glorfindel wakes up to silence."
Elladan stuck his tongue out at his twin. Elrohir gasped, and threw a cherry pop tart at him.
"ENOUGH!" Glorfindel roared, in the voice of Elrond. The twins turned to him, shocked looks on their faces. Glorfindel held up a recorder.
Relived looks came over their faces.
"Elladan. Coffee."
Elladan glared at Elrohir and tossed Glorfindel the coffee. Glorfindel, using his awesome Balrog-slaying skills, caught the coffee. He held it as far away as possible from him, and walked up to the orcs.
"You vile, detestable – I mean, wonderful creatures. Never mind that, would you like this wonderful drink?"
"Why do you use the word wonderful so much?" One of the orcs asked.
"I do not!"
"Yes, you do!" Elladan yelled after him.
"Here," Glorfindel thrust the coffee at the orcs. And ran.
The orcs greedily drank down all the coffee. And all died.
Elladan and Elrohir were grumpy all the way back, along with the rest of the group. Only Glorfindel was happy, his mission had been completed, all the coffee in Rivendell had been destroyed. He gave the others some Kool-aid, they cheered up.
Glorfindel walked into the office of Erestor. "The mission has been accomplished."
"Good. Good," Erestor said. He leaned back into his chair with a grin, "Imladris is free of the accursed liquid."
Elrohir stuck his head in the door. "The humans are here."
"Okay."
Suddenly the two froze. "The Humans!"
"I forgot all about them!" Erestor exclaimed.
"I'll run to um… somewhere and get coffee!" Glorfindel said. "Ugh, I hope I never have to do this again."
-.-
Miles away, a orc stood over the bodies of his fellow orc buddies. He sniffed, then started sobbing. "My buddies!" He wailed in a deep voice.
He stood straight, his other still-alive buddies behind him.
"We will have our revenge!"
"But you don't even know any of their names," one of the other orcs said.
"WE WILL STILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!"
A cheer went up.
"Wait," the same orc said. "We don't even know who did it."
"We will still have out revenge!"
Suddenly an arrow slammed into some random orc beside the main speaker orc.
"Glorfindel!" The main speaker orc snarled.
"Vile orc!" Glorfindel exclaimed. He was upset about having to get coffee.
"We will have our revenge!"
"Oh, look at the time! I have to go!" Glorfindel vanished.
"Revenge," main orc speaker said. "Revenge."
The end.
This story is not meant to upset anybody, I just don't like coffee, and neither do the elves. But since you are all human, then coffee is for you. If any are like me, and dislike the drink, you may be elf like me, or at least part elf.
Please Review :)