Recently, I've been sad. Writing this helped me deal with it, and I hope you like it. The inspiration for this came from Relient K's song Deathbed (check it out, it's beautiful) and also from the scene in RENT where Angel is dying, though the emotion of that scene affected me more than the actual scenario. Please read and review, and hopefully you enjoy this.
Deathbed
I can smell the death on the sheets covering me, I can't believe this is the end.
I can hear those sad memories still haunting me, so many things I'd do again.
But this is my deathbed, I lie here alone. If I close my eyes tonight, I know I'll be home.
There is a steady beeping sound in the back of her mind, one she's lived with practically all her life as a medic. She's forgotten how to count the beats and make sure her heart rate is steady- or maybe she doesn't want to remember. Now that the machine is counting her own life down, it's comforting to know that at least one thing will mark her passing.
She closes her eyes and recalls again what the feeling of wind is like, and tries to remember how pain felt when it was fresh- for all she knows now is the dull ache of waiting. She's been in this hospital bed for too long to make a recovery, and she knows it's just a matter of time. She smiles half-heartedly when the pitter patter of rain starts up against her window. She never liked it when she was younger, because it always made her hair frizzy. What she wouldn't give now to be out there again, feeling her skin come alive in the rain and laugh, just to be able to touch it. What she wouldn't give to transform back into that little girl who loved and lived instead of lying uselessly in a bed and waiting to die.
Whoa there, girl, Inner mutters, why do you sound like an old woman? We're still young, right? She nods her head and swallows the feeling of tears in her throat, glancing down at her hand and trying not to notice how much effort the movement takes. Her skin is still smooth, albeit calloused by years of work as a kunoichi. She is so proud of those hands, remembering the people she's saved and the nickname they had earned her- the Kunoichi of a Thousand Lives.
She lets the breath escape her lungs, and then draws another, though it's shaky with repressed sorrow. The only life she hadn't been able to save was the one that mattered the most to her. Sure, there had been casualties along the course of her career, but only one person she loved couldn't be saved, even by her.
And he was the one who mattered the most. She twists the ring on her skinny finger and bites back a sob. Kakashi died on the field of battle a few years ago, and she was unable to save her husband. Soon after his funeral, she lost the baby she didn't know was inside of her- a baby girl who would have been a part of her beloved Kakashi. A sigh finds its way into the air, and she closes her eyes, remembering his face. Her one true love is now gone, and she's leaving too- but she's not afraid to go. In fact, out of everyone in the village, she seems to be the only one who accepts her fate. She's had enough practice with accepting death, losing her husband and child.
At least we still have Naruto, Inner states sleepily, and chuckles softly. The boy has become a man, and is now Hokage of the Leaf Village- his ambitions are fulfilled, and a small bubble of joy rises in her chest as she thinks about the day he married Hinata. He was so happy. They were all so happy. She knows her death will be hard on him, and she thanks Hinata silently for loving him enough to keep him going.
Her vision grows fainter, but she doesn't mind very much. It isn't as if the hospital room is very interesting anyway. But she's glad that her hearing remains, so that she can listen to the rain tapping the window. The poison in her bloodstream works so slowly, taking motor functions first and the senses later, but she has come to terms with that fact. At least it's given her time to prepare- at least it is peaceful.
With the last traces of sight, she glances down at her body and examines herself. Kakashi used to say all the time that she was the most exotically beautiful kunoichi he'd ever laid eyes on, and she smiles now at the memory. The muscles are still firm and toned under her pale, brilliant skin, and even with a needle in her arm, she finds no flaws in herself. Finally she is at peace with everything that used to trouble her. She remembers that when Ino came in a couple days ago, she stated quietly that after all this time, she'd grown into her forehead. She couldn't say anything at that point, but she cried, and Ino understood. She will miss the blonde woman who had been with her all these years- her best friend.
Her pink hair has grown long in the months since she was poisoned, and now she sees the beauty of the thick, lustrous locks. Before, she would have chopped it off and brushed it out of her face, determined to not let it get in the way of her job- but there is no job for her now. She finds that long hair is just fine with her, and recalls the day not too many years ago when she ran the kunai over it and took it away for the first time. She smiles faintly, reaching up to brush one of the pink locks away from her face, before she finds that she doesn't have the strength. But tunnel vision is kicking in fast, and she needs to see outside one more time, just once. As her face turns agonizingly slow, she half-hopes to see a silhouette crouching in the window, as Kakashi used to do when he came to check on her during work. It is nothing but an errant hope though- she turns her head just in time to catch a glimpse of green leaves and grey skies before everything turns black.
She sighs and sinks into the mattress. Tears come up in her throat and this time, she lets them fall. She knows that taste is already gone, and that soon her sense of smell will leave as well. She breathes the air as deeply as possible, trying to name every scent that she breathes in. There is a fresh, natural aroma of soil in the rain, but it is masked by the stale air of the hospital bed.
She knows that once the senses fade, her life will be gone- in any moment now, she'll be dead, floating away into oblivion. Naruto wanted to be here, but she doesn't want him to remember her as a frail young woman cowering in a bed. He understands that, at least, and she's given him and Ino the remains of her belongings and the funeral arrangements. A tremor shakes through her body and she almost cries, but manages to catch herself at the last moment. It hurts. She clenches the bed sheets and lets out a breath. Then Inner stirs within her mind. I guess it's the end, girlie. We had some good times, didn't we?
Yeah, she thinks sadly, but Inner is already gone in her head, silent after all the years of shouting her victories to the world, of confidence and bravery. She knows that now, she's truly alone, and almost laughs at the picture in her head.
A broken kunoichi lying on a bed, breathing shallowly through poisoned lungs, alone and waiting to die without honor or love.
She exhales, and this time, there is no natural urge to take another breath. Goodbye, everybody.
"Sakura, don't you think you're being a bit dramatic?" Her eyes fly open, and suddenly there is color everywhere, vivid greens pouring in from the window on the breeze, pure white painted walls, a silver haired man grinning down at her with a deep red eye and another steely grey eye. His hand is tucked in his pocket, and he's wearing a jounin vest over his customary uniform, though his face goes uncovered.
"Kakashi?" she whispers, and as she does so, she tastes the sweet, crackling wind on her tongue, a thousand times clearer than ever before. She can hear a strange sort of music coming from somewhere close, a thrumming low sound that matches her heartbeat. "Kakashi… you're here?"
He smiles gently, and leaned down over her. "Of course I am, Sakura- Tsunade's waiting for us, and so are a couple of others who want to welcome you... I'm here." She barely feels the tears rolling down her cheeks as he helps her sit up and takes the IV from her arm. She hugs him to her body, feeling his heart thump against the thin cotton of her hospital gown. Emotions pound within her heart and her body, taking away the pain and the fatigue until she feels as if she was never sick at all.
"I've missed you," she murmurs.
"I've missed you too, my blossom. Let's not keep our daughter waiting."
She looks up into his eyes, suddenly afraid. "But we never had a child… Oh." She realizes slowly what is happening, and looks to her love again. "Kakashi… Tsunade died, and you did as well." He is silent, staring at her as if she was an answer he was waiting to hear, one that would lift the film of hesitation from his eyes and set him free. "And, well- I never had the baby. I'm dead, aren't I?" His thumb comes up and brushes the tears from her cheeks, and he kisses her softly.
"We're alive, darling. We just live somewhere far away, Sakura- it's beautiful. You'll fit in well there." His eyes close when he smiles, and she remembers the familiar expression from what seems like forever ago. "Come on now- it's time." There is a ringing finality to his voice and she welcomes it, stroking his cheek and savoring the vitality of this moment.
"I- I don't know if I can stand," she says, slightly ashamed but not willing to explain further about the poison's effects on her body. He seems to understand though- he always did when he was alive.
He nods thoughtfully. "That's alright." She raises her legs, and he slips an arm underneath them, then secures another arm around the small of her back. Then tenderly, slowly, he picks her up off her deathbed, as if she weighs nothing. She huddles close to his warm chest, closing her eyes and breathing in the scent of him. The rough fibers of his jacket are traced by her wandering fingers, and she presses a hand to his chest to feel the steady beat of his heart. He kisses her on the forehead and starts walking.
She can't tell how long they walk, but she knows when they arrive and she opens her eyes to see the Leaf Village of her childhood, where Tsunade and Shizune smile and wave, and Sasuke looks up and nods to her, smirking. He'd died years ago- she'd almost forgotten. She clutches tighter to Kakashi as they travel through the crowd, and she recognizes faces she'd lost long ago. Asuma is smoking a cigarette and laughing with the Third Hokage, and Sakura's parents smile at her from a bench near the training grounds. There are a million crystal memories sparkling in the wind, and every time she takes a breath she can feel every bad thing in the world leave her body. She looks silently to her husband and he nods, putting her down gently. She can feel the strength of the mountains in her legs, the force of the river in her veins. She is strong, and she walks for pleasure, reveling in the simple joy of being able to move alone.
The music in the air quiets, and she feels Kakashi stop beside her, his arm around her waist. In front of them is a man standing with his back to them, brown hair sticking up from a ponytail and a familiar profile identifying him. She steps closer, then Iruka-sensei turns around and opens a blanket in his arms, revealing a sweet little baby with green eyes and silver hair. She is entranced by the baby- she's beautiful and already has the wise expression of her father.
Sakura smiles and lets the joyful tears dry on her face as Iruka holds the infant out. She takes her daughter into her arms and leans against Kakashi, closing her eyes and loving the solid weight of eternity in her arms.
Finally, she is home.
I can smell the death on the sheets covering me, I can't believe this is the end
I can hear you whisper to me, "It's time to leave, you'll never be lonely again."
But this was my deathbed, I died here alone. When I closed my eyes tonight, he carried me home.
Thank you for reading, please leave me a comment or a review. Have a nice night.