What You've Always Wondered
An Outlaw Star Talk Show fanfic
By: Twighlight Goddess Sage
Hosted By: Mikey and Swanzo the repairmen that reside in Blue Haven
Note: Duh! I do not own Outlaw Star! I'm just a fan writing a fanfic here.
This is my first Outlaw Star fanfic, so be nice and as always please leave a review.
Oh, just so you know this fanfic is based off the uncut version, so all you who only saw the edited version on Cartoon Network there are some things you should know:
Fred Low is gay, and has a crush on both Gene and Jim
There may be references in here to a hot spring episode that never aired on Cartoon Network
Oh and by the way, the answers to the questions will probably not be absolutely correct, but they should be funny.
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"Today folks, we're holding a talk show to answer all your questions about the people in Outlaw Star (the show)!" announced Swanzo. The audience of anime fans applauded loudly as the trademark gunshot went off in the background thanks to the all-knowing yet unseen narrator.
"What the Hell?" Gene Starwind cried out, "We've been on a show? Why haven't we been paid?"
Jim shrugged, "Don't look at me, even I don't understand the logistics and I'm the prodigy."
"You have hardly the reason to complain," Gilliam chimed in, "Look at what they did to me! They separated me from the main ship and made me float around. I'm no longer the ship's computer; I'm just a floating microprocessor!"
"Don't worry, Gilliam, I'm sure they'll put you back together afterwards," Melfina said smiling.
"I hope so," Gilliam sighed unhappily.
"Now that the computer is done whining, let's get on with the show!" Mikey crooned into his microphone as the crowd went wild.
"Oh Gene, isn't this so exciting," Fred cried slugging his arm around Gene's shoulder, "We get to be interviewed live together."
Jim cringed and scooted several meters away and took his place on the other side of Aisha. "Sorry Gene, you're on your own!"
"What are you running from?" asked Aisha.
"Eh…I'm not in the mood for being glomped by…h-him," Jim stuttered glancing back at the two men.
"Ah, love is unkind," stated Harry McDougal from off the stage with a faraway look in his eyes.
Jim's eyes suddenly got very wide, "Wait a minute, I thought you died!"
Harry ducked behind a curtain after snickering, "You must be imagining me."
Jim blinked and looked around, "Somebody please tell me I wasn't the only who saw him!"
Swanzo cleared his throat, "Okay folks, this is how we will do this, Mikey over here will randomly pick a question, read it aloud, and then those characters who they pertain to will get up and answer as best they can.""Hmmmmm," said Gene, "There are some things I'd like to know too."
"This could be quite interesting," Suzuka murmured.
Mikey coughed, "K'hem! Let's start with the first question," he then pulled out a slip of paper and read it out loud, "…The first one is for Aisha! Aisha this anonymous person wants to know, Aisha how is it that whenever you power yourself up your clothes are torn up yet in the next scene they are in perfect condition?"
"WHAAAAAT!" Aisha screeched as everyone else covered their ears, "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT!"
"Oh yeah," Jim said, "I've always wondered about that!" A spotlight then came down on the peeved Ctarl-Ctrarl.
"Come on Aisha, give us some material to work with," Gene said teasingly.
"OH SHUT UP GENE STARWIND!" Aisha growled.
Then all the other characters and fans put on their pleading sad puppy faces.
"Oh fine," Aisha grumbled, "My secret is that I have multiple sets of my clothes."
"And?" everyone else said.
"I hand-sew fabrics in seams in the wrinkles and by using cheap TV tricks I can change clothes in a matter of seconds," Aisha mumbled between gritted teeth. "Oh and have you ever noticed that unless I transform into a tiger, my bra never tears, it's very durable so nobody can have a peek at my boobs!" she added more enthusiastically with her fist held in triumph as all of the guys except Fred blushed and Suzuka groaned.
"You're proud of that?" she mumbled.
Mikey then stopped his blush and read the next question, "Okay Melfina, the next question is for you. Melfina, how did you ever fit into the suitcase that Hilda had you in?"
Then the spotlight moved to Melfina who had a puzzled look on her face, "Uh…I don't remember, my memory was erased before then."
Swanzo stood up with a microphone, "Alrighty then, let's hear it from Hilda!"
"Wait, isn't she dead!" Gene yelled
Right after he said this, who should stroll onto the stage? (No not the giant chickens or the female impersonators from Monty Python's Flying Circus) But Hilda, who came up waving to everyone, "Long time, no see."
"What! I thought you died after blowing yourself up and falling into the star!" Jim cried dumbfounded.
"Oh I did, it was very hot and bright, I wouldn't recommend it. Oh by the way Gene, did you find the Galactic Leyline?" Hilda asked casually.
"Yeah I found it, it was…great!" Gene replied.
"Good! I didn't leave you the ship in vain. Hi Swanzo, hi Mikey."
"Hi Hilda, can you answer the question for us?" Mikey said.
Hilda sighed, "Okay, all I had to do was position Melfina the right way so she sat comfortably with a life support system. I chose a suitcase to make it less obvious; you do realize it would be suspicious in anything else."
"Yeah, but why was she naked?" Gene asked.
"Yeah that was…a-awkward," mumbled Jim.
"I didn't have enough time to dress her after I swiped her from the pirates."
"Speaking of the space pirates, the next question is for them," Mikey said.
The pirates then filed out; the old man, the little girl, and the creepy swordsman.
"Wow, I thought there were more," exclaimed Gene, "Darn those Tao ninjas!"
As soon as he said it, several of them appeared near their masters.
"You just had to say that, Gene," Jim muttered, "Now we have to fight them."
"Not necessarily," Swanzo said holding up his hand, "Just shut up and hang tight kid."
"Ugh, I hate being told to shut up like that!" Gene yelled, "Damn it!"
"I personally think it would be wise to follow that advice," Suzuka said coolly.
"Anyways, space pirates, in this place, any method of combat is prohibited and as an added precaution, the authoress has made all weapons ineffective. This goes for everyone," Mikey recited sounding much like a walking rulebook.
"Damn it! That means I can't take down Gene Starwind!" Harry thought angrily.
"WHAAAT! We are reborn and we finally get close enough to the people on board the XGP to seize it and we can't overtake it!" the old man pirate roared.
"That's right," Swanzo said while nodding, "Besides it is breaking a 4th wall to have the supposedly dead kill the living."
"NOOOOOOO! THAT'S NOT FAAAIIIIR!" the little girl cried.
"Okay then Kei Pirates, the question is what does your chant 'hug-a-wah-sum-bah' mean?"
"That's fug-gah-was-sum-bah!" shouted the little girl with a lovely popped vain symbol to compliment her face.
"Hug-a-wet-cymbal!" Gene muttered with an incredulous look on his face.
"Who the hell would do that!" Aisha growled.
"HOW DARE YOU!" the old man bellowed.
"Just what does it mean?" Jim whispered to the quiet swordsman.
"Uh…I actually don't know. It's just a puzzling incantation that we can speak really fast. For a while we did tongue twisters, but that didn't work so well…"
"Oh really?" Jim asked thoughtfully.
(Flashback)
The little girl concentrated and said, "I'm going to kill and confuse you all! Shelly sells seashells at the seashore! Shelly sells seashells at the seashore! Shelly sells seashells at the seashore! Shelly shells sheashells sat the sheashore—Ugh! Damnit!"
The old man prepared himself for a spell, "Let me do it, Peter Piper picked a pail of pickled peppers! Peter Piper picked a pail of pickled peppers! Peter Piper picked a pail of pickled peppers! Peeper Piper pipped a pail of peekled peepers…Shit! I'm no good either!"
Then the swordsman comes up with a bunch of ninjas, "Oh hell with it, I failed grammar school! Forget the magic, let's just cut 'em down with knives, Mwah-ha-ha-haaaaaaaah!"
"No I got it! Let's from now on do it with random-Chinese-sounding-mutterings, if we speak it fast enough no one will understand us anyways!" the old man yelled pleased with himself.
"Yes! That's perfect!" the girl cried her eyes sparkling, then she turned to look at their opponents and found them gone. "Damn those cowards, they ran away!"
(End of flashback)
"Yep, that's how it originated," muttered the swordsmen.
"Just leave it to the Kei Pirates to not make any sense," sighed Hilda shrugging as Jim took on a rather confused look.
"Okay, okay we shall ask one last question, then afterwards everyone gets a lunch break," Mikey chimed in.
"Wait a minute, lunch breaks come between work shifts, are we getting paid?" Gene asked hoping for money, for he was still much in dept as always.
"That's up to the authoress!" Swanzo replied.
"What's the last question?" Suzuka asked while leaning on her bokuto.
Mikey picked up a piece of paper and scanned it; after a few minutes he said, "The last question goes to the cactus at the ice cream parlor!"
At that moment the cactus, to the astonishment of everyone else there, somehow wandered out towards Jim in all it's lush green goodness and said, "Hi slave, let's take over these inferior beings together!" Then it wrapped one of its spiky arms around his shoulder and squeezed him.
Mikey looked at them quite disturbingly, "Um…yeah, tha-that's weird. But anyway, Mr. Cactus—"
"ADDRESS ME AS CACTUS-SAMA, INFERIOR BEING!" the cactus roared, gaining several shocked looks from the other cast and audience members alike.
"He…uh…it talks loudly for a plant…" the pirate swordsman said.
"Cactus-sama! What the Hell?" Gene yelled.
"GET YOUR SPIKY ARMS OFF OF JIM!" Fred growled.
"I-I c-can't…br-breathe!" gasped Jim.
"He's all mine! MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAAAAAAAAH!" cackled the crazy cactus.
Mikey cleared his throat and said, "Excuse me, Cactus-Sama, the question asks about your superiority. The things we want to know about are about what exactly you are? Why you sold ice cream? And what you plan to do?"
"Very well then," the cactus said as he allowed his captive to breathe, "I shall tell you all. I am a superior being of plant that knows more about this universe than all of you pathetic life forms as I am older than all of you. I want to spread my influence over you all because watching you miserable creatures at work makes me feel like wilting. And so I began to form my plan to conquer the universe!"
"SO THEN WHY HEIFONG, AND WHY THE HELL, ICE CREAM?" Gene yelled.
"I WAS GETTING TO THAT YOU SCUM!" the psycho cactus screeched back at Gene causing him to wince, "Heifong was a perfect place to begin with such a mission. It is filled to the brim with people of various types because of all the squabbles, dwellings, space races, etc that you creatures exist for. So I convinced a lizard-like being most subtly to bring me over towards this world without any trouble or any idea of my plan. Mwah-ha-haaaah! You fools are so easy to manipulate. I also got him to take another advanced creature, although not as intelligent as I, which was the carnivorous insect you saw later. As for the ice cream, ah yes! When I came over I realized that I needed to find out more about your behavior. So when the insect and I left the lizard man, the insect ran towards the sewers (ugh) and I made way to where a cluster of you were at; which just so happened to be an ice cream stand." Jim started to squirm uncomfortably trying to get out of the cactus' clutches. The creepy cactus than proceeded to tickle Jim's neck with one of his spikes causing Jim to squeak.
"Your ice cream sucked, Plant Freak!" Gene yelled sick of being insulted by a plant of all things, "Get off of Jim, or Melfina will step on you again!"
The cactus cringed squeezing Jim more tightly. "Hurt me and I'll possess your friend and I'll take over your world and feed you to that carnivorous bug!" Gene growled as the cactus continued its story. "Now that I have been reborn, I'll conquer your pathetic race and kill you all MWAH-HA-HAAAAAH!"
"B-but wha-what do you w-want with me!" Jim shrieked.
"You son of a hacker, are going to help me, whether you like it or not," the cactus said.
Mikey then glared at the prodigy and the plant as they struggled with one another and then said, "Okay…now it's lunch break, see everyone in the next chapter!"
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What character will surface next? Will Jim get out of the evil cactus' clutches? What is the authoress planning? When will the giant chickens attack? Stay tuned for next time!
Sage: "Oh and please be nice and review."
Chibisage: "If you have a question that you would like to ask the Outlaw Star Cast send it in a review and we will consider it and if we like it we will use it."
Ruzaka: "This fanfic is not interactive, reader questions are suggestions for questions!"
Kuro (waves): "Bye Bye!"