Prologue
Jennifer Llewellyn had a problem.
She knew she had a problem, why else a year after graduating highschool had she not found a job, oh she's taken community programs like Triangle and Youth Keep Working, but still neither helped her, not even her sixth month stay at her half-sister's house in Oklahoma did anything for her fear. She's been back in Virginia for more then three and a half months and all she's done is lock herself in her room, watching anime, reading fanfiction and writing half assed ideas, the only time she ever left her room was when she either had to go to the bathroom or eat. There was no structure to her life, no dicipline to help her, no self-confidence in herself to gather the courage that was burried beneath several layers of doubt to get off her ass and get out of the house.
She was doing okay at first it wasn't so bad, she could handle people well, even talk to them without ignoring them, hold normal conversations, everything was good. She felt great that she was moving past the high school ackwardness. She felt a little confident in herself, she didn't feel the cold, dead hands of depression licking at her heart. On a scale of one to ten, she felt she was at least a seven, but not now. After her sixth month stay at her sisters, it was like a two step forwards five steps back routine.
She felt as if she was a zero.
She's always been shy, people were intimidating and often got the wrong ideas about her. She didn't give off that friendly vibe, when first meeting a stranger. She ignored people she didn't know for a certain period of time, which often gave strangers the impression that she was a bitch. She really wasn't, in fact she was a kind, friendly, hard working team player. Sometimes she'd curse her shyness, because really it got in the way of her life or lack thereof. It was hindering her and stunting her growth as an individual. But she feared people, scared of rejection, scared of the risk of getting hurt, her parents often told her 'if you don't risk anything, you gain nothing'. She'd often tell her self this like a mantra or a broken record. But she couldn't do it.
There were days long in between where she was struck with this uplifting courage that for once she felt she could go on with life, she'd fix up her resume and send it out to various types of jobs. But by the time it was time she was ready to click send, she'd lost that courage and a nervous feeling would make her hands shake and her heart race. In the end she could never do it.
Her mother was worried sick about her, had often lectured her on how important it was for her to get out, how if she didn't do it herself she'd drop her of in town and wouldn't pick her up until late in the evening, but it never worked. In fact it only had Jennifer holding herself up in her room more. Jennifer didn't need to be told over and over again about how she needed a job, oh she knew, she knew so much that it often had her cursing her fear of people. But her mothers lectures only made her avoid her, knowing that if she was in the same room as her mother for more then two minutes, her mother would lecture her again. Her father was sympathetic, always gently encouraging her to get out and see the world - would tell her that if she wanted to be a writer that she needed to get out there and experience some things, because a writers writing is only as good as the experience behind the words. She'd always wanted to be a writer, writing was theraputic in its own right, but it didn't help her current problem. He never pushed, but he always made the concern known. She often felt guilty.
Her parents threatened to make her go to a therapist and Jennifer would refuse constantly saying there's nothing wrong with her. She knew there was something wrong with her, how could she not? She wasn't acting like most teenagers of nineteen years old. But she didn't want to talk about it, because then it would be admitting to the world that she did have a problem. It was okay admitting it to herself, because she was one person. But the people around her, she didn't want them to think she was some mentally disabled person, she valued their opinions of her and she didn't want to tarnish herself in their eyes. Didn't want them to see how insecure they could make her feel with just a glance.
Her fear of people even kept her from dating. She's never dated in all of her nineteen years, she missed out on the highschool dating experience. She was a virgin to the core. She'd listen to her friends over the phone or on msn as they explained there latest problem or dates, she'd listen as they explained there first experience at sex. She'd feel this envious feeling, they were all connecting with people in differnet ways, it only made her feel lonely. She didn't talk to her friends all that much anymore, she didn't want to feel the emotion of envy and loneliness.
But it really was a fear of people, but a fear of strangers.
It was November 14, 2009 when Jennifer's mother took a step forward and forced her daughters life to start moving.........