Don't Give Up
Walking through the Captain's quarters was already hard enough with all the clothes, figurines, and priceless artifacts scattered about the floor, but walking through it without the Captain there with her seemed... Hollow. Different. As if it were waiting for him to return, rather than permanently empty.
Tali Zorah Vas Normandy finally managed to finesse her way through the wrecked remains of Shepard's room to take a seat on the edge of his bed. It was, well, 'painful' seemed woefully inadequate. 'Agonizing' to know she would likely never see him again, but she had volunteered to be the one to go through his cabin. Why had volunteered herself for this heartache?
Because you love to torture yourself? Her mind taunted at her. Because you think that, somehow, he'll come back with a fleet at his back, a smile on his face and a shoulder for you to cry on?
When times were roughest, it was always one's own mind that caused the biggest problems. Once the ship had crash landed on this jungle planet, the crew had immediately gotten to work trying to fix the Normandy up enough for space flight again. Everyone had been pitching in: Ashley and James did lots of the heavy lifting, pushing and pulling the heavy stuff while Liara and her worked on the software. Joker provided a bit of emotional suppport in the form of jokes, but even he sounded lackluster from the loss of his co-pilot. Garrus worked on the engine along with her, and Miranda chided them all along like a flustered mother hen to a particularly stubborn flock.
Through it all, Tali had tried her best to keep her despair from showing. It wasnt working. On several occasions the crew had found flaws in her work, things that were obviously off or basic. The type of things the normal Tali would never have missed. After Gabby found her sobbing in the maintenance tunnel, the young engineer had sat with her for a few minutes before telling her to go and rest.
Rest? Tali frowned at the mere memory, How can I rest when everyone else is doing their part? I refuse to be given special treatment. I am not-!
A loud crunching noise stopped her train of thought as she stood up in anger, but when she looked down at the source, her brain seemed to freeze at what she saw. Beneath a toed boot sat a shattered picture frame, a picture of herself smiling back at her through a golden Rannoch sunset. The picture she'd given to Shepard the day they had retaken Rannoch lay crumpled beneath her foot, a million cracks running through the glass in front of it.
Gingerly, she lifted her foot so as not to disturb the picture further before she reached down and grabbed it. It was a futile effort, of course, trying to smooth it out, but she did it nonetheless. Her eyes were locked on the picture as she slowly lowered herself back to the bed. For what felt like minutes she simply sat, transfixed on the photo. She did not see the picture itself, but rather, saw through it.
She could recall everything about that day. The smell of the burnt undergrowth from the massive laser, the sound of the Reaper as it slammed into the dirt for the final time, unmoving. She could remember the taste of blood in her mouth after she'd bitten her tongue in distress and worry, and the feel of their escape truck shaking violently with each blast. The emotions that had ravaged her heart when she realized the day was won. The feel of his lips on hers when she'd taken her helmet off on the cliffside...
Tali closed her eyes, letting the wave of sorrow pass through her yet again. She didn't cry this time, at least. Maybe the idea of him being gone was actually sinking in. She didn't dare hope. Didn't dare allow herself to think he was still alive through the crucible firing. To let that kind of hope fester, knowing the chances of him living were so near to impossible it couldn't be projected short of a Volus-grade calculator... Her heart could not take that kind of anguish. Not again.
Setting the photo down softly on the bed beside her, Tali got up once more to search around the room. She was supposed to be finding anything of use for the crew, but she already knew there was nothing up here for them to use. It was just an excuse to get away from the looks of pity, the constant questions about how she was doing, or if she were alright.
She found herself looking into the empty, cracked fish tank, reminiscing on how they used to feed the fish together and laugh as they came up with ridiculous names for each. 'Harvey the Harvester', known for his ability to beat the other fish to the food as it started to fall. Also a play on Harbinger, but that kind of humor made everything seem lighter in their darkest hour.
Finally, Tali looked down at the small info pad jutting from the wall where EDI used to pop up her avatar. It hadn't taken the team long to realize EDI would never respond again, no matter how much Joker pleaded with them to try and fix her. It had been heartbreaking for everyone involved, but Joker had finally gotten the hint. She was gone. Tali brushed her three fingered hand across the surface of the pad in nostalgia, and was surprised when the pad reacted.
For a moment, Tali panicked. Had she accidentally woken EDI up? Would she remember anything? Try to kill them? All those things flashed through her head in a split second before she realized it was nothing so extreme. A tiny compartment on the front of the pad had opened up to eject a thumb drive, and on it's side was some kind of tape.
Cautiously, Tali bent down to inspect the thumb drive. It had tape slapped onto one side, and crudely written in a sharpie was, 'For the love of my life, Tali'.
Before she'd even gotten to read it, she'd known it was Shepard's. The sloppy handwriting gave it away.
Her breathing was coming in raggedly now as she removed the drive from its cubby hole, and she almost dropped it while trying to insert it into the disc-player. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Just empty static. She was about to frantically start removing panels to try and fix the player when the sound of normal background noises could be heard through it. She quickly sat down on the stairs, eyes wide like a kid listening to her favorite story.
"Would you like to rehearse first, Commander?" EDI's voice came through clearly, and it made Tali's heart skip a beat to hear it like she were still alive. It was nothing compared to what came next.
"Yeah, sure. Plans don't generally go well when I make them, though." Shepard sighed in feigned self pity, which made her smile all the more to hear it. She could practically see the dumb smile on his face. Her heart ached with every word she heard from him, and already she could feel tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Very well, Commander. We may begin recording at any time."
"Thanks EDI. *Ahem* I-...I uh, ahhh, geez. I don't have a clue what I should say to her. This feels more and more stupid every time I think about it."
"Start with something simple, Commander. What made you want to make this log in the first place?" EDI's question made Tali sit up straighter from her place on the floor, and the silence made her almost want to scream. He took so long to spit out what he wanted to say sometimes...
"Fear of me dying, I suppose." Another brief silence as neither one spoke. "I just thought that, with all that's happened, it might be nice to hear it all come out in the open, you know? I'm not the most pleasant guy to be around, sometimes. Or the cleanest, or the smartest, but-" He paused, as if trying to summon the exact word that was just on the tip of his tongue. "..When someone as talented, intelligent, gorgeous, and caring says they want you as much as you want them? Well, it makes you think maybe you're still asleep in your bunk in basic training, and some drill instructor is going to not-so-nicely wake you out of the dream. You keep waiting for the other foot to fall, or for some cruel punchline to say it was all a joke." Shepard trailed off, likely staring at the floor the way he always did when at a loss for words.
By this point, Tali was completely enthralled. A rampaging thresher maw could explode through the deck beside her and she wouldn't look twice.
"Why can't I just say all this stuff to her face? Christ, she sleeps in my cabin most nights! You'd think this would be easier."
"When did you know you fell in love, Commander? The relationship between myself and Jeff seems to not have such a conclusive point in it. I often wonder how it is organics can say for certain they are, 'together'. and when they are simply dating."
"Wow, that's an easy one," he laughed. "When I first saw Tali, she was being held at gunpoint by a group of assassins. Me being me, I didn't even stop to really look at her before I started blasting away at the thugs. My 'knight in shining armor' complex will do that sometimes. But when the bullets stopped flying and she stepped out of cover, I had a lump in my throat bigger than a watermelon. She was so beautiful, EDI... Deep purple shawl with her clan design across it, those bright eyes looking right through me... and those hips." He quickly cleared his throat, and Tali knew his face was probably beet red. She chuckled a little despite herself.
"Her hips?"
"Well yeah. Haven't you ever- No, nevermind. Moving on. So then she starts talking to me, EDI. I think I had to ask her to repeat herself about three times before I finally understood what she'd said. Her voice was heavenly, and when we took her to the ship and she started getting so excited about the engines and tech stuff I- I'll be honest, I had a real hard time not hitting on her then and there. She just seemed so young. And that determination! I've never seen a young woman with no real military training get that good at combat that quickly. Worked that shotgun like it owed her money."
The mental image Tali got was Shepard smiling and shaking his head, remembering the past just as she had been minutes ago. This was unreal. Was this all in her head? What were the odds of her just stumbling on this out of nowhere?
"Correct me if i'm wrong, but you did not enter a relationship with Tali until after Cerberus revived you. Why is that?"
"You've been talking with Diana Allers again, haven't you? This is starting to sound more like an interview." Shepard sounded half skeptical, half joking.
"My apologies, Shepard. I only meant to help you voice your thoughts."
"I know, i'm just joking, EDI. You know, when Cerberus revived me, I was incredibly confused. That might be expected, considering the circumstances. The one thing i'll always remember was how panicked I was when I first woke up. Everything hurt, and I thought I might still be onboard the SR-1. I remember my first thought being, "I have to make sure Tali made it." Now, of course I cared if the others survived, but If she had died, I don't know if I could have done the things I did, EDI. Every time I charged into enemy fire, my biggest concern was whether or not I'd ever get to see her again."
Tali held a hand to her helmet transmitter in an attempt to block out the small choking noises she was making. She couldn't let her emotions stop her from hearing this.
"So when I did finally see her again, I had so much I wanted to say... I said none of it, EDI. Not a damn thing. I was all business, like nothing had happened since I was away."
"Why?"
"Lots of reasons. She'd changed, EDI. Everything about her seemed... more mature, I guess? She carried herself like a woman, not a girl fresh on her pilgrimage. She was on a mission, determined as always." The pause he made hurt her as she listened, knowing that small smile he always carried for her was on his face. She hated that she knew his every expression despite having no video to see. Yet she loved it at the same time. She'd spent so long studying him, watching him, learning his every mannerism, that he was gone now felt like she'd lost the best part of herself.
"When I left Freedoms Progress, I hated myself for it." Shepard continued finally, "I hated that I didn't have the balls to simply tell her what I needed to tell her. For the first time since my first combat situation, I froze up. I think deep down, I was terrified of her not feeling the same for me as I did for her. Not because of my image, or that I thought things might get awkward, but because I needed her. Whenever I was away from her, I didn't feel like myself. I got mean, cared less of what people thought. For a while there, Chakwas thought my scars from reconstruction might actually return due to how much I was frowning and brooding."
"But when I got that dossier on her wherabouts from the Illusive Man... You've never seen a man act that quickly. You remember, don't you EDI?"
"I do. I believe it was the Illusive Man himself who tracked Tali down for you. He wanted to see your reaction."
"Well he got it alright. I've never had a battle go by that fast. It was like, as soon as my feet touched the ground on Haestrom, everything became a blur until she stood in front of me in that observatory. I think that was the moment, EDI. When I heard her voice, saw that she was unharmed, I vowed to myself, never let her go."
A soft click from the terminal made her head jerk up frantically. Was it over already?
No! "There must be more." She breathily whispered to herself as she got on her knees beside the terminal, desperately digging around for another thumb drive hidden away deeper inside.