Let's face it, I'm sure we can both agree that things have gone downhill for us. We both work on two different schedules so any time we spend at home together is not only limited, but one of us is always sleeping. Even when we both have a day off, one of us still spends it alone while the other sleeps. I hate it. I hate everything about this situation. I hate what's become of us, we used to be so close but now it seems like we don't do anything more than bicker. I feel like a horrible person every time I tried to get you to eat something – that caring about whether you eat something only leads you to getting mad at me.
And the worst of it all is that there are actual times when I feel like we're both trapped. You won't leave because of my situation and I can't find in it me to kick you out, but when there's an opportunity: you don't do much to force yourself out of your habits! YOU EVEN CLAIM THAT YOU WANT TO DO IT BUT YOU WANT IT HANDED TO YOU ON A FUCKING SILVER PLATTER! It bothers me that you have such selfish demands. You refuse to work hard for something that would give you everything you want out of life. Meanwhile, I cry myself in our bedroom wondering if things were different – would you leave? Would you walk away if my situation didn't exist? Would we have even lasted this long? I don't think you realize how much I want to drag your ass out of bed and do the thing we use to do whenever we were struggling as a couple. Do you remember? We use go on a drive to the nearest fast food place, order food in the drive-thru, and then just sit in the parking lot and talk. We use to talk so much, but now: it only "see you in the morning", "drive safe" and an occasional "i love you"
We stopped talking about our future because somewhere along the line, it began to scare you. Starting a family, getting married, getting financially stable – all of it. You don't even remember that you're not in this alone. We have each other. I wish you would believe me when I attempt to help you instead of pushing me away and when I try a different approach: you lash out.
"Then why don't you?" Really? I was hoping you would realize the length I'm willing to go so you can stop feeling like you have to carry everything! Aren't we supposed to be a team?! Aren't we supposed to help each other through the others' problems?! I feel like we're on a fucking roller coaster, one day everything feels like it has been and then before I know it: there's a distance between us.
I can't even talk to you about all the anxiety that work is giving me! I end up running to a friend I've never physically met! You used to be the first person I ran to for everything and now: you're not! Can't you see how wrong that is? You used to care about my frustrations, but you're "always tired" and refuse to put any time aside to spend with me? Every morning, I listen to you tell me about your work stuff but for me: you run off to work before I can tell you.
We can't even talk about us anymore because whenever I bring it up, you immediately get defensive saying that I should just end it. Asking why I'm even bothering to stay with "someone like me". Hajime, I'm still in love with you! No matter how many doubts you have about us, even after eight years. No matter how much crap our families give us, I will always love you because I know right now you're struggling, but please for the sake of everything else we've been through: don't push me away! STOP FUCKING PUSHING ME AWAY!
( - )
Tired dark eyes stared down at the newly dimmed screen, no matter how many times he read -and reread- the black text continued to gnaw at his chest. At what fear he had allowed to build up there. He had three more hours left in his shift. He needed to ease his fiance's anxiety, but he had to make sure he didn't mess up on his words. Pre-Anxiety Tooru was always happy enough to poke fun at him when he got tongue-tied, but nowadays with the person he cares most about in the word, riddled with anxiety and depression, he can't afford saying the wrong thing and losing Tooru.