Esposito do know when it changed, what triggered it. What that had made him look at his partner in this new light. They had been partners for years, and there had always been a special bond between them. It isn't easy to explain their bond, but because of it they were the best possible partner for each other. Often they didn't have to ask to know what was wrong with the other. Simple eye connection was enough to hint at their next move in a dire situation. If they were in interrogation and they wanted to do a twist they didn't have to explain it to the other, because he already knew. All this and more was normal, and Esposito thought he knew all about his partner and their partnership. He was wrong.
About two month ago, a week after they had been taken by Lockwood and Ryan had been tortured, Esposito's life had started changing. When he had the weekends off he usually spent it with the ladies, and occasionally men, different ones each time. However, the last month he just hadn't felt like it. He had headed out to pubs multiple times, and each time he ended up drinking a beer or two, chatted up someone just to decide to head home. Alone. Even though he knew more than once that he could've ended up with company in bed. That wasn't the only thing different. Often when he felt pent up or stressed he'd seek release through some highly enjoyable porn, both straight and gay, but lately he had no interest in the girls and even the guys barely got him off. Deep inside he knew what he was looking for but refused to acknowledge it. As if that wasn't enough he had started to avoid Madden nights with Ryan. It was just too distracting; he needed to get things back to normal and figure out how to be himself again around his partner. Lately whenever they were together Esposito ended up feeling...distracted.
The smallest of things made his mind wander. The way Ryan's brows furrowed when he was deeply focused. How he tended to nibble lightly at the end of his pen when he was stuck in a case. Let us not forget how his eyes seems to lighten up and become an endless blue like the sky when he solved something in a case. Things that were difficult to ignore were things like how good his cologne smelled. Or how good his ass looked in different pants. How he ran his hands through his hair when he was frustrated, and how it sometimes caused his hair to become "bed hair"-messy for a moment. The most difficult thing was how he looked so warmly at Esposito, but that he knew it didn't go beyond their partnership.
Esposito was no fool; he knew how pleasing Ryan was to the eye, especially his own eyes. Nonetheless, he had promised himself to keep things professional for both their sakes. Relationships within the precinct was not illegal, but not acceptable either. At the time, when they got to know each other and became partners, Ryan had been engaged to Jenny. They'd been so sickly in love that Esposito had problems looking at them. It had lasted a few years but they eventually broke up. After that, Esposito figured Ryan must have gone out with other girls, though he never talked about it. Either way, as far as Esposito knew Ryan wasn't interested in guys, and if he was he showed no indication that one of them could be him.
Esposito forces his train of thoughts to stop and sighs as he finishes the coffees for Ryan and himself. He knows he's very much in love with his partner. It had really struck him some time after he thought he might lose him for good during the whole Lockwood episode. Now, he is slowly teaching himself to act normal around his partner. Which has started to prove difficult, as his partner has started to look rather suspiciously at him the past weeks. Esposito knows Ryan is dying to ask about it, and the only reason he hasn't yet is because Esposito has made it obvious he shouldn't. However, even Esposito knows it can't be hidden forever, which is why he's going to ask Ryan for a Madden night at Esposito's place. He just knows that Ryan will understand that it's not really a Madden night. Esposito takes a breath and picks up the coffee cups. He sets on at his partner's desk and sits down in his chair looking at his partner.
"Thought you might need some coffee." Esposito says nodding his head gently towards the cup.
"Yeah, thanks man. It's been a long day." Ryan smiles as he takes a sip of his coffee.
"So, I was thinking, since we're off-duty this weekend...wanna pick up our Madden nights again? My place?" Esposito asks, carefully watching Ryan's reactions. First, he looks surprised with a furrow crossing his face, then a flash of understanding before he quickly straightens it, masking it with a smile.
"Sure, it's been a long time since last. We head to you after work on Friday, hoping we don't get a last minute murder? "
"Sounds good." Esposito turns back towards his desk and indulges himself in his work before Ryan asks something he shouldn't.
Friday comes fast and Esposito worries he's not ready to have this conversation. He nearly laughs at himself. Who's he trying to fool? How could he be ready to tell his partner his got such a big crush on him he cannot function properly? His grip tightens around the wheel as he drives towards his apartment. He had picked up beer on the way home, and Ryan was getting pizza from a place he had visited on the job earlier in the week. Leaving Esposito with some time to think over how he should tell his partner about all this. Not able to find a reasonable answer he pops a beer instead. Not too much later, a short knock is heard on the door followed by Ryan pushing it open and entering with pizza in hand. As none of them has eaten in a while, they quickly start on the pizza and some beers, and a light, but clearly tense conversation.
Not being one to beat around the bush Ryan asks not too long after the pizza is gone.
"So, wanna tell me what's been going on with you lately?" Ryan's eyes doesn't leave him as he takes a deep breath and lets his hand scratch the back of his neck.
"Guess we have to talk about it sometime, huh?" Esposito says, not really expecting an answer but gets one anyway.
"Damn right we have to talk about it. You've been avoiding any kind of contact with everyone, just barely what's necessary for work. Everyone, even me. It worries me and I wanna know why, Javi." For the first time he can see how tired Ryan really looks. How dark bags are gathering under his slightly red-rimmed eyes. How he isn't perfectly shaven, a few stubs are dotting his chin. How his hair isn't quite, right, for the lack of a better explanation. All signs that something is bothering him. Silently Esposito hopes his social withdrawal isn't the reason why. Esposito takes a mouthful of beer, almost wishing he had more alcohol in his system. He lets his eyes set on a cabinet behind Ryan.
"Yeah I uh, I'm sorry about that. It's just…things have been kinda difficult lately. Or maybe just different. I..." Esposito trails off. He really hadn't thought it would be this hard to formulate. He empties his beer and sets it on the table. Bad idea, because know his hands are fidgeting. He looks back up at Ryan who looks almost as nervous as himself. Has he acted that shitty? Esposito decides he'll just have to tell him everything, to get things right.
"You remember some months ago, when we were being held by Lockwood?" Ryan nods slowly.
"From the beginning I knew he wouldn't let us live even if we told him what he wanted to know. And, as time went by I got more and more worried. Worried Beckett wouldn't come in time, worried I might lose you. Most likely I would be killed myself if it got to that…but at the time I wasn't thinking all too clear..." Esposito moves his eyes away from Ryan and takes a breath to collect himself for what he is going to say next.
"After that, things have been different. I started thinking about you in a different way. Not that the feelings weren't already there, thinking back they kinda always have been. I just hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge them before then. What I'm trying to say is that…I'm in love with you, Kev." Esposito finally allows himself to look at Ryan, which gives him a sick feeling in his stomach. Ryan is staring at him in shock and disbelief, and something he can't quite place. Anxious to tell him it doesn't need to change anything he starts talking before Ryan gets a chance to say anything.
"Kev, I'm sorry. I promise it won't be a pro-" Ryan abruptly stands up, making Esposito go silent. He looks bewildered, utterly confused as he turns towards Esposito.
"I uh, I have to go. See you on Monday." With that, Ryan is out the door before Esposito manages to say or do anything, leaving him with a dreadful feeling. I should never have told him.
The weekend goes by with Esposito only worrying more and more about going to work, and facing Ryan. He manages to get about 3 hours of sleep before Monday arrives. He can't say he's feeling too awesome as he walks into the precinct that day. As he walks towards his desk, he realizes Ryan hasn't come in yet. Ryan is always there before him, and Esposito is even a little late today. As there's nothing he can do about it he starts doing his paperwork. For each moment passing without Ryan arriving he just feels worse and worse.
Eventually, Beckett comes up to him.
"Hey Espo, you heard from Ryan today? He hasn't called in sick, so, do you know what's up?" Beckett eyes him curiously. Esposito has no doubt she knows more than he dares to think about.
"Uh, no. That's weird. If it's okay, I'll go check up on him." It wasn't really a question. He would go even if Beckett said no, and he knows she knows that. He puts his jacket on before she gets a chance to say no.
"Sure, but don't be gone too long." She heads back to her desk with no further questions, and he's grateful.
15 minutes later, Esposito's standing outside Ryan's apartment, hand raised to knock on his door. What is he even going to say if Ryan opens? He will just have to demand an explanation to his behavior, with that settled he knocks on the door.
Ryan opens up only to stare at him in surprise, with his mouth slightly open as if stopped mid-sentence. Esposito takes notice that he's still wearing his nightclothes and that his hair is disheveled.
"Hey, you gonna let me in or what?" He forces himself to ask in a fake, annoyed tone, accompanied by a smile. Ryan looks a little startled but steps aside and lets him in with a barely audible "of course". Knowing this place as if it was his own Esposito settles in the couch. Ryan settles down beside him, facing him with his back resting against the armrest, and a knee encircled by his arms. He looks a lot more awake and aware by each passing second. Esposito can feel Ryan almost staring at him, though he feels no hostility, instead, more of a warm, affectionate feeling. It's confusing.
"If my feelings makes this too difficult... You know I can always ask for a transfer?" Esposito looks at him patiently and feels his heart sinking as he makes his proposal. During the weekend, he hadn't allowed himself to analyze or feel anything after their conversation. It had been hell, but he decided he'd just have to push on and ignore it. Now as he's sitting this close to Ryan, it's getting harder by the second. Ryan shoots him a quick glare.
"I'd never want for you to transfer. It's just…I was just so surprised; I didn't know how to act on it at the time." Ryan keeps his eyes on his hands as he speaks.
"Now that you've had time to think, what will you do?" Esposito asks quietly, looking at his partner. Ryan looks up meeting his eyes. Esposito can't help but feel frustrated, it is annoying how hard it's been to read Ryan lately.
"Do you know why it ended between me and Jenny?" Ryan asks without breaking eye contact. Esposito's brows furrow, showing his confusion. Yep, definitely hard to read.
"I don't see how that's relevant?" Ryan just gives him a sad smile.
"It's got everything to do with it. It was Jenny who broke up with me, because she realized I spent my time thinking more about someone else than her. I told her she was wrong, but apparently, she knew me better than I knew myself at the time. She was right you know." Ryan is back to staring at his hands. Esposito looks him over, not finding the answer he seeks.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I spent more time thinking about my partner, you, than my wife-to-be. After we broke up, I realized she was right, but having a relationship to someone at work has always been a no-go for me. Hell, until then I didn't even know I liked guys. So, I spent the years from then until now burying what I felt. Telling myself, I couldn't be in love with my very male partner. And I did manage to bury it, somehow. Until you made your confession on Friday. It just broke the walls right down. What am I supposed to do now?" Esposito looks at Ryan, and he looks utterly defeated. Esposito realized quite some time ago that he wanted nothing more than to be with Ryan. He didn't even care how it would affect his work. Problem was that he was quite sure the feeling wasn't mutual, something he now knows it is. In the light of this new information he can't help but look different at Ryan's behavior over the years. It makes him realize they may both have been every blind in the past.
"We can try 'n make it work? I'm more than willing if you are." Ryan's brows furrows, telling he's at least seriously considering it. After an excruciating long silence, a very familiar playful smile settles on his lips.
"You're not sweet-talking me just to get me in bed now are you?" Esposito looks at Ryan dumbstruck for a moment, before he decides to play along. He puts on a big smile as he asks with a glint in his eyes.
"Whatcha gonna do if I am, Kev?"
"First" Ryan leans towards Esposito and whispers in a deep voice. "I'm gonna have to punish you, Javi." Ryan pulls back looking at Esposito with a dazzling smile. "For mistaking me for someone who'll sleep with you on the first date, or before in our case. You should know I'm not that easy." Ryan stands up and walks towards his bedroom. "Besides, I'm late for work, so this is a discussion for another time." Ryan may not think he notices, but Esposito can tell he's more than a little anxious, and he can't blame him. What they're planning on doing can get a lot of negative responses and outcomes. Nonetheless, Esposito can't help but grin, coming here was definitely a good thing. Moments later Ryan emerges from his bedroom fully cleaned and dressed.
"Ready for work?" Ryan asks as he puts a hand, albeit a little shaky, on Esposito's shoulder from behind the couch. Esposito looks up, takes hold of his wrist, and gently pulls Ryan towards him, putting their faces mere inches apart. He can feel Ryan's warm breath on his face.
"Very ready." Esposito answers low, and he realizes those two words answers more than just the question asked. Esposito looks him in the eye before placing his lips against Ryan's in a firm, but tender first kiss. To his delight, it brings a light red color to Ryan's cheeks. Ryan gives him a chaste kiss in return before straightening up.
"Now, get moving before you make me even more late for work." Ryan says over his shoulder while picking up his keys from the bowl on the kitchen counter. Esposito can't help but snort at that.
"I'm making you late? Who is it that had to leave work to come here and drag your sorry ass to work?" Esposito retorts as they head out the door and down the stairs.
"Not my fault you decided to drop a bomb on me this weekend. A man must be allowed time to come to terms with such, uh, staggering news." Ryan responds with a humorous tone.
"Really now? Maybe I should bring you to my place instead then, so I can come to terms with this new course our partnership is taking?"
The conversation continues and develops into a nonsensical discussion on a completely different matter by the time they arrive at the precinct. As they step out of the elevator, they are met by one of Beckett's all-knowing looks. They just know that she knows about them, and it's totally fine because they know she'll respect their privacy. As long as Castle doesn't figure it out too soon, they're in the clear. If he does, they'll deal with it then. Because right now, they're both done worrying, it's time to start enjoying themselves.
I really wanna write a second chapter, with more on how their relationship develops and such. Most likely a love scene involved, and from Ryan's POV, or both. Seeing as I'm bad at writing the things I tell myself I should write, I don't promise anything in the near future, but I'm pretty sure I'll write one.
Do leave a review/comment on this, I'd love to hear your opinion. Even if it's only on how I can improve my writing, good or bad all welcome. But no hate, please.