Author: NerdsRule
Title: Loved, She Was
Rating: T for suicidal thoughts.
Genre: Romance/Drama
Total Words: 4,521
Total Tone Words: 190
Summary: After reading what he believes is Elizabeth's suicide note, Ciel realizes that he needs to show her that she's loved. Romance, however, has never been his specialty.
Note: I wrote this story for a contest, so excuse the 190 words that may not be familiar to you.
"When was the last time he told you that your eyes look like space crystals?" -Mike Birbiglia.
A mirthful smile hit Elizabeth's face until the acerbic taste of the tea hit her tongue. 'Bitter,' she thought, 'just like Ciel...'
"Achoo!" She sneezed loudly.
He looked up at her for a split second. He gave her a stern, stolid look. Annoyed, it screamed. She didn't want to annoy him at all. He had just grown so depressed, so cold, especially in the last few months. Always so serious was her fiancé. Detached from most, and yet miserable. She could see it when she looked into that once optimistic eye, which had become so pessimistic.
"Bless you..." he muttered under his breath as he took a sip of tea.
She couldn't imagine what happened. It was tragic enough to lose his parents, but what was so grim, so horrible, that he lost his eye? She had asked him only once, and he had become evasive of it, his harsh words showed his insecurities.
"Thank you," she replied quietly, "I hate to disappoint," she had begun, though she knew she wouldn't, "but I think I have to leave."
"Please, don't," he looked up at her, his words themselves were almost sentimental, but the way they came out seemed more demanding than anything else, "It's raining so violently outside. I can't let my fiancée leave in such ominous weather. I insist you stay here tonight."
How condescending to her, how cynical of him to mock her like that. Acting as if he cared.
"If...if you insist," She grew quiet for a moment, "If you'll excuse me, I must go to the powder room."
As she stood up and left the room, a small note slipped from her pocket. Ciel noticed it after a minute and, with uncertainty, he opened it.
Dear World,
I relieve myself tonight. Mother believes I am pathetic. Father constantly patronizes me. And Brother is always, always gone. I'm furious, enraged, outraged at this fatalistic, unsympathetic world. Everyone sees me as wistful, whimsical, in a constant state of euphoria, but I'm dying inside.
Maybe, I wouldn't be in such a sad state of mind if loved, I was, if only loved, I was by him, the man I love with all of my heart. But he is embarrassed by me, while I admire him and adore him and give him all of my heart. I used to think he loved me, though I was always doubtful of it. One day, I knew I was paranoid. He didn't love me. I am dying inside.
So tonight, I go for the kill.
Sincerely,
Me
Ciel could only blink. He hadn't thought of her life, from her perspective. Is that really how she felt? Is that really what she thought he felt? Ciel's heart; impenetrable, everyone thought it was, but there was a huge tender spot, meant for Lizzie, and his tender spot began to ache.
It made sense though, all she did was give love, and it bemused him, truly. He had never heard her voice speak wryly of anyone. She was so full of love, and was simply gave it, and yet, she received little to no love in return. And it hit her hard.
But loved, she was, and though frantic of the situation, he was going to show her.
"Is there anything you need my lord?" Sebastian interjected as he appeared in the room, "Oh, my apologies, you looked as if you were being introspective and reflective?"
"I wasn't." He lied.
"Are you thinking about Lady Elizabeth?" The butler inquired.
A comic blush appeared on his face, "I wasn't.
"Be straightforward, my lord, what can I, your modest butler, do for you?" Sebastian offered.
"To be forthright," he began, "I need to...how do you...help me, um... Teach me how to act romantic."
"Really, my lord?" Sebastian chuckled, "I thought you had no time to deal with such petty things like love and being affectionate..."
'He finds this humorous, doesn't he?' Ciel sighed, "I'd rather try to deal with a live fiancée over one who is dead. Especially one who died in my manor. I'd never hear the end of it. Besides, it is my job to keep my fiancée happy."
"Alright, my lord, I shall teach you to romance a woman," he agreed, "I hope you're going to be pedantic and eager to learn."
A contemptuous look appeared on his face, "Exhilarated," he said sarcastically, "and I don't need to learn to romance women, just Lizzie."
A sardonic smile, trying attempting at sympathetic, came to Sebastian's lips, "How winsome. Quite poignant actually, how you'll only be sweet on Lady Elizabeth."
Ciel rolled his eyes, 'He finds this hilarious,' "Don't make me derogatory. I already told you, the suicide of my fiancée would cause strident uproars, and I don't need the unnecessary stressful things of that nature. Now, do something to help me."
"Come in the door," he instructed, "I know you're there."
It had been so placid, so serene, that it surprised Ciel when Mey-Rin, Finnian, and Baldroy stumble in the door.
"It was silly of you to think that you be quiet enough to fool me," Sebastian told them, "Alright, you three, I know you always try to play matchmaker for Young Master and Lady Elizabeth, and he wants to show her how delightful he thinks she is. Are you willing to help?"
The servants looked to the apathetic boy and gave desperate, gleeful smiles, ignoring his hostile look, "Is that true?"
He was angry at Sebastian for putting such laudatory words into his mouth, but he was anxious to get this whole affair over. He forcefully put a facetious blush on his pale face, "I didn't say that, but I suppose he was more blunt with it."
Finny's bottom lip quivered before he cried, "How adorable! The Young Master's desolate heart's been touched by Lady Elizabeth's fervent one! And he wants to give her compassion to show how appreciative he is for her!"
"Finny, stop wailing, and go find some flowers for young master to give her," the butler instructed.
"Y-Yes, sir!" Finny agreed as he ran out of the room.
"Baldroy, make something romantic without setting fire to the kitchen," he continued curtly.
"Yes, sir," he nodded, before he muttered under his breath, "Geez, you ain't gotta be so bossy..."
"Mey-Rin," he began, "make sure Lady Elizabeth does not kill herself. We can't get them together if that sanguine girl dead. And make sure she looks nice."
Mey-Rin, though clouded in confusion, nodded as she scurried off into her room.
"And now, my lord, it is your turn."
Finny found a rose worth approving of, Bard made spaghetti without the kitchen exploding, and Mey-Rin kept Lizzie from killing herself, so Ciel self-assured himself that this evening would be easy and comforting to her.
1) Give her the flower.
2) Be a gentleman.
3) Compliment her.
4) (Try to) Smile.
5) Listen to her.
6) Be honest.
7) Kiss her.
Ciel wrote them down, because in all honesty, he was nervous. And that was frightening to him. He was the Earl of Phantomhive, confidence gleamed from him, so why was he so apprehensive of this dinner with Elizabeth?
"Hi, Ciel," she greeted from behind him.
He whipped his head around. Her sprightly smile reassured him greatly that everything would be fine, "Good evening, Lizzie," He held the flower out to her, "This is for you." He held out the rose.
The benevolent act surprised her, coming from her somber fiancé, but she smiled, "Thank you," she told him. As she tucked the red rose (which was complimentary to her outfit) into her blonde hair.
He abruptly grabbed her hand, which immediately calmed her. He led her to her seat and pulled out her chair. She smiled at him. He simply looked at her as he sat across from her.
"You...you're..." he tried. It was much to his disliking that he couldn't find the right way to compliment his betrothal.
"What?" She inquired, genuinely interested.
"And when you compliment her, young master, it is imperative that you are original," Sebastian instructed, "You must make her feel special, by complimenting her in a way that she has never been flattered before. How no woman has been eulogized before."
'Your eyes look like space crystals,' was the first thing in his head, but it was immediately dismissed. (Where had he heard that from?) He thought for a moment.
"I can tell your heart is beautiful," he started desperately, "I can tell from the beauty in your eyes, in your smile, in your face, in your personality. Your heart is pumping beauty with the blood. It is coursing through your veins, and that makes you a very beautiful person, Elizabeth."
Her face turned very red, "Thank...thank you. That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me, especially you. I am elated to know you think of me like that."
And he was elated to hear that.
4) (Try to) Smile.
He tried to remember; how does one smile. It was like a smirk, wasn't it, yet not quite as sly. He tried to raise the corners up into a jovial grin, as he was able to once before, but...
"Ciel? Are you alright? What are you doing?" She questioned with worry in her voice.
"I'm smiling," he forced.
"Oh," she got quiet very quickly.
"It resembles more of a near explosion as opposed to a smile, doesn't it." He said, and she nodded.
He looked at her glass, "Do you need more to drink?"
She gave him a suspicious look, "Ciel, you are acting strange."
"Am I?"
She thought for a moment. She dug in her pockets, "The note..." She muttered, "Ciel, earlier, I had a note in my pocket. Do not lie to me, did you read it?"
"In fact, I did. I had no idea that you felt that way about-" he had stopped talking when she started giggling, "Am I missing something?"
"That note was flippant," she told him, "My friend and I were writing a book, and there is a part where a character kills herself. I didn't write that for me."
"Oh," Ciel felt like the dumbest person in the world.
A blithe smile appeared on her face, "It makes me glad to know that you were so concerned about it."
"Well," he started, "since this mess is over, I suppose I'll go back to work after dinner."
Melancholies slammed on Elizabeth's face at his inflammatory words, "Greedy," she muttered, "Selfish," she muttered, "Derisive," she muttered, "Holier-than-thou," she muttered, "Lethargic," she muttered, "Sinister," she hissed. "You're so frustrating, Ciel! You're so evil! I try to seem gushy and encouraging, but I get nothing. Just because I don't plan to commit murder to myself doesn't mean I am happy with the way you treat me! I've become expectant to being disappointed, but not disrespected!"
"Elizabe-"
"Just go do your precious work!" She cried as she stomped up the stairs.
Just then, Sebastian appeared beside Ciel, "I think you said something, that may have upset Lady Elizabeth-"
"Shut up, Sebastian," he crossed his arms, "I know that."
"Would you like my help, my lord?" He asked.
"Didn't I tell you to shut up? I will get her to stop being upset with me, without your scholarly help, which is what got me into this mess."
"What did-"
"You told me to speak honestly, and things go much smoother when I lie. Now go do something. You can go marry a kitten for all I care but just please, get away from me. I will make Elizabeth happy on my own."
"Lizzie," Ciel started as he opened the door, "I'm sorry."
Reticent. She had decided on being insolvent. She would not let him win. Not this time. She would not glance at him. She would not smile at him. She wouldn't give in so easily.
"I care about you, more than anything else," he told her.
"You sure have a funny way of showing it," she spat curtly.
"I want to be better, but you have to forgive me first," Ciel said. He was being abhorringly kind now. It almost made him sick. But it was the truth, and she deserved it if it would make her happy. He couldn't tell if he was making progress or not, by that solemn look of hers.
"Look at me," he instructed.
"No," was her soft reply. Ciel sighed inwardly. She must legitimately be upset. He really screwed up badly if his ever-reverent fiancée wouldn't so much as glance at him.
"Lizzie," he grabbed her hands. She almost resigned under his warmth. She could feel that blue eye and whatever was under that eyepatch staring at her. She knew he truly wanted her forgiveness, whether it was for himself, or his own personal gain. But she had already decided that she would keep the earnest goal of not letting him win.
The room was very tense. He kept looking at her, he did not let go of her hands. She still stayed silent, and didn't look at him.
"I wanted to be important to you."
It surprised him when she spoke. Her words were neither quiet nor loud, neither violent nor sweet, neither light nor dark. They were just, there.
It was silent again. Two minutes passed before anything happened. Elizabeth stood up, "I knew you didn't care." As she began to walk out of the room, he grabbed her hand and yanked her toward him, though, it didn't work nearly as smoothly as he had hoped.
She promptly fell on top of him and he leaned back. She had her arms on either side of his body. She didn't move an inch, but she just stared at him, like a gloomy little puppy, but with a hint of anger, but why did she feel that way.
"Just because I don't plan to commit murder to myself doesn't mean I am happy with the way you treat me!"
'She tries so hard,' he thought, 'I need to try.'
But he didn't know what to do.
"Romance, my lord," Sebastian began, "is nothing more than a whim of the heart. You seem to lock the feelings in your heart away, but tonight, it is your sole guide. When you feel the effusive feelings in your heart, act upon it. I am sure it will work. I know how you feel about Lady Elizabeth."
Which was odd, because he didn't even know.
She was still looking at him like that, gloomy and upset at him. What was he supposed to do?
He wasn't getting much help from her. She wasn't saying anything, now she was being irreverent. What could he do?
Suddenly, he leaned a quickly put his lips on her mouth. It was quick, he pulled back as swiftly as he made contact. It wasn't passionate or anything. In retrospect, it happened so fast that it may not have counted. However, the slight contact was enough to send Elizabeth (and secretly, Ciel) into a state of ebulliency.
And he won again. All he had to do was simply lay a kiss on her lips and he would conciliate her. He always won. What was the score now? Lizzie: 0, Ciel: All? That sound about right.
Elizabeth looked and realized she was still on top of Ciel. She blushed and rolled off of him. She unceremoniously plopped on the bed.
She sighed, "I'm sorry, about my belligerent outburst earlier. It's just, sometimes I don't know how you feel when all you do is work. And your words are so ambiguous. I just don't understand sometimes, but I can't understand everything."
Her pensive words made him feel like an idiot, and it made him uneasy. He didn't like feeling this way around Lizzie. How did she do that?
"What's wrong?"
He looked at her and his cheeks turned red, "You make me feel...weird."
"Oh, I'm sorry-"
"No, not in a bad way," he grumbled as he looked at the ceiling.
"Me? I couldn't possibly-"
"My god, Elizabeth, you're so self-depreciating. Why won't you just accept the stupid compliment?" He chided.
She smiled at him and then turned to the ceiling as well, "Thank you."
He mumbled quietly, "...welcome."
After a moment Elizabeth yawned, prompting Ciel to get up, making Elizabeth indignant, "Ciel? Where are you going?"
"You seem tired," he reasoned, "I was going to leave so you could sleep."
"Will you stay? Until I fall asleep? You can leave when I fall asleep," she begged.
He opened his mouth to say, 'No,' but her pleading, green eyes seemed a little threatening, almost saying, 'If you say no, I'll know I don't matter.' He let out a sigh as he sat back on the bed.
"No," she started as she crawled under the covers, "you don't have to get under the covers, but you have to lie down."
He sighed again as his head hit the pillow, "Why am I doing this again?"
She shrugged and grabbed his hand, "I don't know, but thank you." She smiled again.
He was a bit nostalgic himself: Lizzie wasn't the only one who wanted him to smile, he wanted to smile, too. If for no other reason than to make her content. He wanted to show her that his feelings and motives weren't always so grave. Alas, he could not muster a smile.
"What are you thinking about?" She asked inquisitively, "If you don't want to be here you don't have to be-"
"Stop it," he interrupted, "You apologize too much. If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be. I do want to be here. And though you may be incredulous about it, I am happy."
Though she tried to stay casual, the entire expression on her face became celebratory, "You are happy? With me?"
His cheeks turned a bright shade of red, "Yes, now will you go to sleep?"
She nodded slowly and squeezed his hand tighter. Her eyelids became heavy and she let out a small yawn (making Ciel yawn as well). She didn't let go of his hand as her eyes closed and her breathing became more even.
He deemed her to be asleep after a few minutes, but he didn't leave right away. She looked so angelic in her tranquil slumber, of course he wouldn't tell her that.
"I wanted to be important to you."
He brushed a piece of her blonde hair out of her face and spoke quietly, "You try too hard, Lizzie."
Her right eye flashed open, "Is that so."
"Huh? I thought you were asleep."
"I thought you wouldn't stroke my hair, or be this close to me," she teased.
His face became flushed, "I was not stroking your hair, I just moved it out of your face. And since when do you complain about the close proximity between you and me?"
She laughed, and Ciel asked her what was so funny, to which she reponded, "My pretentious fiancé is so adorable when his face turns red."
"Shut up," he commanded with a flustered face, "I'm leaving."
"Don't." Ciel found himself with Elizabeth's head hovering over his, her long, curly hair draping over them.
"What?" He questioned while looking at the mischievous and playful look in Elizabeth's eyes.
She unexpectedly leaned down and slammed her lips into his. His eyes widened larger than he thought he possibly could. At first he was tense, but seeing as she didn't pull away he relaxed into it and began to kiss back. She lifted her head back up.
"I hope you didn't mind," she started as she laid back down, an ecstatic look lingering in her face, "I liked it the first time, so I wanted to try it again."
"It's fine," he excused. He sat up and walked to the door and as he opened he looked back at her.
"You are important to me, Lizzie," he admitted quietly, but just loud enough for her to hear.
"I love you, too, Ciel."
And then it hit him. He had made his entire goal of the night to romance her, to make her happy. When he thought about it, there were a million less complicated way to get her to not commit suicide, but he had chosen making her feel loved, because loved, she was. And even after her found out she wrote that note for someone else, he still wanted to make her feel special. He didn't realize it until now though:
Loved, she was, by him.
He had the foreboding feeling he was there.
When he shut the door and turned the corner, he was met with Sebastian's unfriendly glare, a drastic change from Elizabeth's excited, zealous, and friendly one.
"I see you did step number 7," He mentioned, "Twice. You're not going soft on me, are you my lord?"
"Of course not," Ciel snorted.
"Not to be antagonistic, but a night like this one cannot happen again," Sebastian stated.
"Excuse me?" Ciel said with anger hovering in his voice.
"From the beginning, she was overly worshipful to you, and you were already very attached to her; you can't get anymore attached to her," he replied.
"And why not?" Ciel questioned, "You must be jealous or something. Why can't I be attached to the person I am supposed to marry?"
"Perhaps because you will not live long enough."
Though he had always tried to be hopeful, he knew it was hopeless. He wanted to be with Elizabeth, but he wasn't going to live very long, and it hurt that tender spot.
"You are going to leave the both of you despairing," he educated, "It it will be harder to eat your soul if you're whining about a lost love."
"You are not allowed to complain about a death you are going to cause for your own personal pleasure," he established to the demon, "And it doesn't matter how mournful I make myself or Elizabeth. That is my business."
"My lord, I see it in hers and in your best interests to try to let her go, distance yourself from Lady Elizabeth," Sebastian explained.
"Do you think I should break the engagement?" Ciel asked with outrage.
"I did not say that," Sebastian defended, "but it is an option."
"Why...why would I do that to her?" He asked, "Why would I severely betray her like that? She's important to me."
Sebastian saw Elizabeth's fingers at the corner of the corridor, trying to watch secretly, a diabolic thought came to his mind. Perfect. "We both know that you don't care about her that much. You don't visit her, you sigh when you hear she is, and the only reason you were nice to her tonight is so she wouldn't kill herself in your manor."
"You don't understand," Ciel decided, "You can't comprehend how important she is to me. I can't comprehend it. I..." He looked behind him out of the corners of his eye: he saw a shadow, "Elizabeth, come out, I know you're there."
She stepped over to where they were. "Hello," she greeted quietly.
"Sebastian, leave us," Ciel commanded, and so he left them, "How much did you hear?"
"From when you asked Sebastian if he thought you should break the engagement," she answered, "If you think I should leave, I will."
"Please, don't," he looked up at her, his words themselves were sentimental, the way he said it didn't seem demanding anymore, "I don't know how much longer I'll live. I can't let my fiancée leave when I have such little time left. I need you stay here tonight."
"I...as a frame of reference, how little time. An hour? A day? A week? A month? A year? And why?"
"I don't know how long, and I...really don't want to tell you why yet. I will, just not yet. But I don't expect to live more than...I don't know, maybe more than a month on..." He guessed.
"Is...is that why he thought he should break the engagement? Because we won't...because you'll...you'll..." Die. The word pounded in her head. Die. Die. Die. She had become nearly psychotic when she thought he died the first time. Now, they were older, and closer and he meant more to her She couldn't, she didn't want to even think about what it would be if that happened again.
"It's..." He was going to tell her it was okay, that everything would be fine, but a tear fell down her cheek, because she knew good and well that it was not okay, and nothing would be fine, and he knew it, too. His arms swung around her, as he embraced her lithe frame into a hug, "I'm sorry. I want to."
She put her arms around him, "I want to be yours forever, too." He didn't say that. At all. In reality, he could have mean he wanted to eat a Cheese Danish, but she knew what he meant. And he liked that about her. How she always knew the kind words he tried to say, but would never dare to.
"Lizzie," he muttered. He wanted to tell her a thousand things, but her name was the only thing he say coherently.
"Ciel? You don't have to say yes, but," she pulled back from him and grabbed his hands.
He raised an impatient eyebrow, "What is it?" He saw the faintest of blushes appear on her face.
"Let's get married," she suggested, her lively eyes sparkling with joyfulness, "Soon. Before you die. Please?"
"Yes," he replied, "we'll...we'll get married." And that's how much she was loved by him, that he would marry her on a whim, and be proud of it, even though he was extremely skeptical. Even if his biting and conceited and haughty heart didn't love her as much as she deserved. He would try. Loved, she was, by him. And he did not feel indifferent about it and he did not feel ambivalent about it. So loved, in fact, that it took a few seconds for his brain to process the situation.
"Wait, what?"
End.