26th July 2005

Down the Road to Australia

Warm blood spilling from her wrists just as all the warmth in her body leaked from her chest leaving a chilly void. The red knife was lying there on the floor in front of her and in some respects she couldn't believe her eyes but that was blood on the blade and she could feel her life ebbing from her.

"October5th 2004

"I've been in Ballarat for three weeks now and I miss home. The towns not a bad place and the people seem nice enough but I miss my friends from home. I miss the love and affection that used to help me through. Here loads of them are so mean and the ones who are nice just seem to be because they feel sorry. Nobody here truly likes me and each day tries me more and more. I dread these mornings when I know I must go to school."

It was time for Sarah to go to school again and her mum thought she was being a normal teenager when she complained about school all the time.

"Just get some breakfast and you'll feel better. Once you get to school and wake up a bit you'll be fine!"

To which Sarah would always moan, "But mum…"

"But nothing," she interjected, "Now get going or you will miss your bus."

Sarah left her house which was a really beautiful two story semi detached house. It was a pretty normal house with a lovely front garden. The daffodils were starting to bloom but even this did not cheer up Sarah. Just around the corner she got onto the bus and all the normal crowd were there. Front right was the geeks who were all very quiet and with good reason as well because at the back of the bus were all the so called "cool kids" who were always rude and mean. As per usual Sarah sat on the left of the bus just behind the back doors.

All through the trip the "cool kids" had hassled Sarah and now the bus had arrived at school. It was a large school with a maze of passageways and classrooms that took a while to get used to, but Sarah felt pretty confident now. She went and sat on the bench just outside her home room building where she registered. Next to her was her acquaintance Bella. You wouldn't really class the two as friends as although they spent a lot of time together at school they never really showed affection for each other. The day was much the same as every other for her, a series of boring subjects which didn't challenge her whilst receiving harsh remarks from all the students whenever the teachers back was turned. But she managed to grin and bear it until the last lesson:

"Hey weirdo! What's new in the land of freaks?" One of the guys in her English class asked

"Shut up Barry! You're such a dick!" Sarah screamed, which was a mistake.

"SARAH! That's disgusting language. Go to the Principle at once!"

So Sarah made her way to the Principle's office thinking about her life. She remembered how everything at her old school was. Her friends were always standing up for her and she did well in class, now she was in trouble again. She couldn't stand it any more she just had to get out. She ran!

The tears blurred her vision as she ran down the street, only half taking in what was going on around her. Even though it was not busy she still bumped into the people as they went about they're daily life wondering what was so terrible to upset that pretty little girl. For Sarah was very pretty. Her mother told her this daily but that's what mothers do and she never believed her so she would always end up hiding her face behind her deep black hair and would constantly frown so that she would no longer look so beautiful. Now however, whilst she was crying, you could see an innocence and helplessness which really brought out the beauty within her.

After running to the end of the road she was feeling exhausted and drained so she slumped down on the swing in the little playground. The playground itself was pretty normal, swings, climbing frame, slide and woodchip. It was down a very quiet road with only and old bus stop shelter near by it. Swinging gently remembering how her mum would used to push her on the swings back when she was young and felt loved and at home, Sarah also thought of how horrible the past three weeks had been. Surely it would be like that forever? There was no going back now, she would think, no going back to the happiness of her childhood. She realised just then that she had been staring into space for a long time and she wasn't sure exactly how long. As her eyes came back into focus she was all of a sudden staring at a broken piece of glass from the old bus shelter. For a while she just sat there silent with only the occasional bird call. Temptingly the glass sat just as still as leaves fluttered over it in the slight breeze that had begun. She felt as if it was calling to her and slowly she made her way over to it.

Just one cut. That's all it would take. One cut and then there would be no more pain. No more worries or sadness. No more anything. One cut was all it took and the glass, so jagged, called to her. Nervously but firmly she ran the point of the glass over her wrists. It hurt but also sort of excited her like a pain which was so horribly desirable. More calmly this time she slowly, pushing with all her might, dragged the razor-like edge the breadth of her arm, and the blood began to pour. A deep red so cruel and unforgiving, nothing like the blood of the cartoons Sarah had seen. It came slowly at first and then pulsated out each time a little weaker as Sarah could feel her life force ebbing and her loving heart emptying itself. She was cold.

"October 6th 2004

"I'm finding it a bit difficult to write at the moment because I had an accident so this entry will be brief. I'm in hospital at the moment and I'm going to see a child psychologist later as the accident was caused by my depression. Yesterday was the last straw and I tried to take my own life. This was so very wrong and I am really ashamed of myself. I talked to my mum last night crying but I can't see how I can ever talk to her again. I feel so stupid. I hate my life so much right now! I don't know who found me but I've been thinking about it and I'm not sure if I'm glad that he found me. Oh well here goes another interesting, grueling day in my life"

Sarah was in the child's ward of Ballarat public hospital. She could see the fear and pain on the little children's faces and she envied them. There with their mums, looking forward to going home. Sarah had nothing. The hospital was like every other hospital Sarah had been in. No matter what anybody said she could taste the disease and suffering in the air and then she felt guilty. She felt bad for all the people who were in here. They had suffered from injuries and needed sympathy. Sarah had self inflicted pain and deserved no sympathy. She felt like the scum of the world.

"Hi honey, how are you? Are you feeling better?"

Sarah didn't know how her mum could act as if nothing had happened, "Yeah I'm alright." Something had happened something big. She did not feel like she was worthy of the happy greetings she received from her mum. Not today anyway.

"Sarah Laney?" A smart man in a white coat looked around, "Is that you young lady?" He was wearing a friendly grin and this, in part, improved Sarah's mood.

"Yes she is." Her mum answered for her, "Are you the psychiatrist?"

"I am indeed." Then he added with a smile, "I'm sorry about all this Sarah but it is standard practice. Could you come this way please?

"My name is Doctor Reynard and I just need to talk to you about how you feel and ask you a few questions. Is that alright do you think?" He asked in his sweet voice.

"Yeah I…" her voice was hoarse so she cleared her throat, "Yeah that's fine"

They had left her ward now and were walking down the long sterile corridor. It was eerie and was nothing like the warm colourful hallways of Sarah's old school back home. Just outside what appeared to be Doctor Reynard's office he stopped. "Now Sarah it is up to you and if you want your mum to come in with you that's fine but usually young teenagers like yourself prefer to be alone."

Usually so dependant on her mother Sarah now felt she needed to be alone with this kind man. She could not face talking about her situation in front of her mother but she did not know how to ask.

"I think you would rather I wasn't there, isn't that right Sarah?"

She just nodded.

"Ok well I will go and get a cup of tea and ill wait for you just around the corner there." She pointed to a turning where there was a sign reading "Waiting Area"

The inside of the doctor's office was in strict contrast to the corridor just outside. It was a very homely place with a coach and some chairs. There was even a sink and a table where Sarah could see an old cup of coffee getting cold.