Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign
Instead there is only silence,
Can't you hear my screams...?
Never stop hoping,
Need to know where you are
But one thing is for sure,
You're always in my heart.
I'll find you somewhere
I'll keep on trying until my dying day
I just need to know whatever has happened,
The Truth will free my soul.
~ 'Somewhere' by Within Temptation
Lost in the darkness with only silence for company and the blustering wind to engage in small talk, he wanders. Alone; always alone but he isn't afraid of this existence. He's used to the vast emptiness and the stillness that engulfs him. He's not sure if he'd rather it or not, he has lived this way so long he knows little else. An outcast, nomad pitted in an eternal search for something- but what? Belonging? Does he want to belong; will it really offer him that piece of mind, that fulfilment?
He did belong once… to her. He loved her, craved her and desired her above all else… even life apparently. She too loved, just not him. Loved another but they say love is blind and he can understand that now. He saw the signs so clearly they had been laid before him but he chose to ignore them and avert his eyes from the truth. They also say the truth sets you free, it doesn't. It only pulled him from his fragile fairytale and tore the pathetic tendrils of his life apart. This delicate cloth he so painstakingly sewed and stitched together, the rags of events and moments.
Now stolen from the dusty oak floorboards of his decrepit apartment; another patch to the grim reaper's cloak. It's all gone, her, the baby, their love… a life carefully constructed upon lies, his life was nothing but a lie. Devoid of purpose and meaning if only to keep the ruse up, her guise in fooling him thinking she loved him. It pained him to even think of it, those sweet little white lies she wove so expertly with pure calculation. Lead him like a lamb to slaughter, until her lies caught up with her.
She couldn't keep up with them, he doubt she cared. When he found out about the other man, that someone else had held her, had kissed her, he couldn't bear it. The grief at her betrayal was too much. The grief of knowing that he would be alone again, but this time it would be forever. Life wasn't worth living. The array of saturated colours faded to blue and grey, the light died and the shadows crept in.
Inner demons cackled at him and his pathetic state, the devil on his shoulder won him over... as did the drink and the drugs. His world spiralled into the abyss of black, numb of all feeling and lost from all remnants of hope. He sunk further and further and still further 'til he could sink no lower. Then the only option left was to end it all. All it took was a swig of poison, of ruby droplets with such gentle persuasion snuffed the very life from his frail frame.
His body fell back into the bed, his skin turned ice porcelain and his face lax of expression. All warmth or glow of life seeped out of him just as the remainder of the poison seeped from the small glass vial and stained the threadbare floors. His physical being was left in that cold, bare room and his spiritual taken somewhere far beyond reality, where he knew not.
Alone, he never thought in the afterlife he would be alone. Maybe this was hell, forced to spend eternity walking, searching alone. Any form of contact and of belonging was stolen from him and any opportunity for happiness taken away. So he's left to wonder through this maze, of woodland to somewhere- anywhere. Anywhere was better than were he was. Anywhere had to be better of course?
He wasn't sure. Trudging through the dirt and mud his clothes becoming more filthy with each step he soldiered on this quest. A quest for meaning for purpose you could say. Each step took him closer to his answer and away from the loss and from the loss of her. From the world so real, so stark, so coloured; he craved the fantasy, the blur and the blue and grey.