Summary: Eli's been at NYU for four months, and Clare feels rejected and lonely. After a dream about him, she realizes it'll take a lot more than time to get over her first love. But will it be possible when he keeps popping up in Clare's life? Eclare/Cladam
So, this is going to be a three-shot. HAVE FAITH ECLARIVISTS. I love them too (: And sorry I haven't written a story in a while. Now that field hockey season's over, I'll have more time to write!
Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, or the song this is named after by Wake Owl, even though both of these are quite awesome.
You'll Never Go
"Eli…Eli, answer me!" She screamed, suddenly finding herself in the passenger seat of the hearse. Tears running down her face, she reached out for Eli's cheek, but her hand found nothing. Her delicate fingers frantically searched for his hand with no results. Clare realized that he was only a hallucination, and in a split second…everything around her exploded, the hearse smashing into a thousand different pieces. She tried to grab them all, but not one stayed in her grasp. She managed to whisper a barely audible "Eli…" before it was swept up with the destruction.
"NO!" I shouted in panic, waking suddenly from the disturbing dream. I looked around at the dark pink walls of my familiar bedroom, orienting myself. I cautiously wiped the wetness from my cheeks, from both tears and sweat. I took a deep breath, relishing the feeling of the soft comforter against my skin, trying to erase the images that had filled my mind moments before.
I had spent months trying to erase all images of Eli from my brain, but every time I thought I had gotten rid of him, BAM. He would make an award-winning appearance in my subconscious.
I let my head fall back onto the pillow with a sigh and wondered what Eli could be doing this very second at NYU. As much as I liked to think he was dreaming about me too, counting down the days until he could see me again, hold me again, whisper sweet nothings as he would nibble on my ear again, kiss me like no one ever could again…I didn't want to kid myself. He was probably off doing things I did not want to think about. I had about a hundred questions I was dying to ask him but probably never would. I had the basic ones: Is NYU all you thought it would be? Are you and your roommate getting along? Does the food compare to Cece's home-cooked experiments? I had the protective ones: Are you taking your meds as much as you need? Are you doing okay with throwing things out? And the, well, self-interested ones: Have you been drinking a lot? Going to parties? How many girls have you hooked up with?
It pained me to think of the last one. How could he give other girls the same looks he gave me, intertwine his fingers with someone else? Of course, I had been too upset to take interest in any other guys in his absence. I was still in love with Eli; my heart felt hollow without him. But, he was most likely not being a complete monk.
It was in the airport the day he left for NYU that we broke up, and we both still loved each other. We were still in love.
"Clare, you're my soulmate. We'll find each other again, I promise."
"I'll miss you every day you're gone."
"Me, too." He took my face with both of his hands and stared into my eyes, giving me the most loving look I had ever seen. "I love you," he whispered.
"Forever and always, right?" My already shaky voice cracked on the last word.
We shared our last kiss, filled with love and happiness and sadness and longing and nostalgia. He traced his hand down my face, lightly down my arms to my fingers, sending chills everywhere.
As he turned to go, I stopped him. "I'll, uh, see you around?"
"Guess you will." And he went. Just like that. I hadn't spoken to him since.
Now, the first day of winter break four months later, I woke up crying over a dream about him. I checked my phone for the time, pleasantly surprised to see a text from Adam. Adam: Bakers are going to Florida for break. I'm bored to tears. Come over? Please?
Me: Sure. I'll be over in ten.
Adam: You'd be my favorite person ever if you brought me a bagel and hot chocolate from that new bagel place!
Me: Alright mooch, make that twenty.
Adam: I knew there was a reason we're friends!
I got out of bed, smiling to myself. Goosebumps covering my arms from the loss of my favorite blanket, I sighed and ran my fingers through my frizzy curls. After putting my hair in a messy bun and throwing on a pair of comfy sweats and a Degrassi Drama t-shirt, I told my mother I was going out, but she was preoccupied with making Glen's coffee. She was always preoccupied nowadays.
I grabbed my jacket and stepped out of the house, shivering from the December chill. It made me miss having Eli's arms wrapped around me to keep me warm, or his kisses to distract me from the wintery cold. Stop thinking about him, Clare, I told myself. You're only making it worse. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't stop. Every little detail reminded me of him; the other day, Jenna showed me her guitar pick collection and I started tearing up thinking about playing with Eli's guitar pick necklace during a make-out. I was starting to accept the fact that part of me would probably never get over Eli, but I needed to move on.
After making a few wrong turns, I pulled up to the tiny bagel shop, frowning at its name: Cece's Bagels. Was Adam trying to torture me? One of the parts I missed most about my relationship with Eli was Cece and Bullfrog. They had always been a kind of surrogate pair of parents to me; even more so than Glen, and especially more so than my own father. Seeing "Cece" painted in bright red letters across the shop made me tear up a bit. What is with you today, Clare? Get yourself together!
Opening the shop door, a tinkling bell rang to signal my presence to a seemingly empty room of scattered tables and chairs and a stuffed, worn bookshelf. A chubby, soft-featured woman, probably in her late sixties, came out of the back and flashed me a smile. "What can I get for you today, dear?" Her voice was oddly comforting, and it made me want to sit down with her and talk for hours.
"I'll take two hot chocolates, an everything bagel, and a cinnamon raisin please," I ordered.
"Sure thing, sweetie pie. That'll be $6.49." I handed her the money, and I could feel her eyes taking me in. "You have the prettiest blue eyes. The boys at school must be fighting over you!" She chuckled, and it was the most contagious laugh anyone could ever hear. I could feel my cheeks turning red.
"Thanks, but my dating life is rather…nonexistent."
She raised her eyebrows, sensing there was more. Her emerald eyes lit up, and I couldn't help but think of Eli's. Something about the woman made me want to tell her everything, take comfort in her.
"Pretty and modest! You can sit down if you like, I'll have your order out in a second, pumpkin."
I sat in a beanbag chair in the corner of the room and scanned the bookshelf for anything good, when I stumbled on Chuck Palahniuk's Fight Club. Did the universe have it out for me today? First the dream, then the shop name, then the woman's eyes, then the book Eli and I read on our first date; I had to get out of there.
"Your order's ready!" The woman called, and I bolted to the counter. "You've got to come back again. What's your name, sweetheart?"
"I'm Clare. I'm guessing you're Cece?"
"You guessed right. Hope to see you again soon, Clare!"
Once I parked next to Adam's house, I felt so much better. I could finally forget about all the Eli reminders I had suffered through today. I knocked on the front door, and Audra sent me to the basement, where Adam was- no surprise- playing some video game involving zombies and guns.
He heard me coming down the stairs and turned, a huge smile on his face. He was one of the few people who still genuinely smiled whenever he saw me. I loved him for that. "One everything bagel and a steaming hot chocolate, just like you wanted," I remarked, giving him the brown paper bag.
"Yes! I've been craving this all morning. Thanks, Clare. You're the best," he said, taking the bag from me and digging in. "So, what's new in the life of Ms. Clare Edwards?"
I rolled my eyes but took the bait. "I had a dream about Eli last night."
He looked taken aback. "Oh, I thought you were over him?"
"I don't know what to think. Has he talked to you at all lately?"
"Not much. We skyped two weeks ago, but only for about ten minutes and we didn't really talk about anything, just superficial stuff. 'How are your classes? Is the food good?' That kind of stuff."
"Did he ask about…me?" I chanced. I knew Adam tried to stay in neutral territory when it came to us, but there were things that I just had to know.
He sighed. "He always asks about you."
I didn't know what to think about that statement, but I couldn't hold in my tears any longer. I scooted closer to Adam on the couch and he put his arm around me, not saying anything, just doing what I needed him to do.
"Adam…I miss him. I miss him so, so much," I said through the sobs as I cried into his shirt.
"Shh, Clare. I know it's hard. Becky's been down in Florida for only two days and I miss her like crazy. Who knows what shit they're filling her innocent mind wi-" I took his face in my hands and I cut him off with a kiss. He pulled away, shocked, and I instantly missed the feeling of his soft lips.
"Clare! What are you doing?"
"We're both sad, Adam. Why can't we both comfort each other? It doesn't have to mean anything, I promise. Please?" I was practically begging for any kind of human comfort at this point; four months of sulking over Eli had taken its toll. He looked into my eyes, but his expression was unreadable. He tentatively touched my cheek, and though his touch felt different from Eli's, it still felt good.
He shook his head, and quickly pulled his hand away. "Clare, no. This is wrong."
"Adam, we're just friends. No one has to know."
"You promise?" he asked, and I smiled, nodding. He leaned in, pushing me back on the couch, and our lips collided. Kissing Adam was completely different from anything I had ever experienced. It was playful, and his soft, careful lips contrasted with Eli's rough, dominating ones. His hand slipped down to caress the side of my breast, and a tingling sensation ran through my body. "I have to admit," Adam whispered between kisses, "I've always wanted to see these." I pulled back, shyly smiling at him as I pulled the black fabric over my head. "Wow, Clare," he gasped, eyes fixated on my bra. I fought the urge to cover my chest with my arms.
As he was about to lean in again, his phone started buzzing. He shot me an apologetic look but I told him to answer it. I secretly felt relieved when I put my shirt back on as Adam answered his phone. We shouldn't have gone that far, and I mentally cursed myself for suggesting that. Not like it didn't feel good, but…it was just wrong in so many ways.
"Hello?" Adam sounded annoyed. "Oh…hi. Oh, really? That's…that's great." He looked at me nervously. "Um, yeah. She's actually…here right now. Okay, see you soon."
I raised an eyebrow at him. "Who was that?"
"Eli's back for winter break, he wants to see you, and he's standing at my front door right now."
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