This story was originally written for a challenge at the illustrious Writer's Ranch. The challenge was "Unexplored Love". I can honestly say I don't think I have ever seen this pairing anywhere else. Though now that I have worked with them I am considering writing more. They are very sweet and dear. This was an unintentional sequel to a Valentine's one shot I wrote called Friends Before Females. It is not necessary to read that first as most points are explained in this work. However, the other story is kind of funny so you might want to read it just because. I got to use the term "codpiece block". hehehe...-J
Teaspoon could see the tension between Hickok and Cody even if no one else could. It had been there since they'd both taken a fancy to that young lady after the Valentine's dance. They played at being the same friends as before but something was still putting a wedge between them and Teaspoon didn't like it. He saw a special run coming up that would possibly take up to a week. He could have sent just one but he wouldn't. A ride like that is too long and lonely. He could have asked for volunteers but he didn't.
Neither boy looked all that happy to be riding together. Teaspoon figured there was still some residual hard feelings left from the fact that neither had gotten the girl. He had told them friends came first and they'd be friends again, he was sure. Still he felt the need to push things along. Watching them ride off together he knew they might talk it out or they might come to blows and settle things that way. One thing was for sure; they couldn't spend that much time together and not work it out somehow.
Jimmy had been okay with being assigned the special ride. He'd had a lot on his mind and thought a week or so away would do him good. He could sort things out and get his head right. But then Teaspoon had to choose Cody of all people to come with him. Cody was the root of all his disquiet in the first place. There was no way he'd get himself together with Cody coming along. He wanted to pull Teaspoon aside and tell him they couldn't ride together but the old man would want to know why and there was no way Jimmy could tell him. Jimmy hadn't talked to anyone since the unfortunate Valentine's incident. Not Kid. Not Lou. Not Teaspoon or Rachel and most certainly not Cody.
There was a little consolation for Jimmy in the fact that Cody seemed as upset by what happened on Valentine's Day as Jimmy was. Though Jimmy doubted he was upset for the same reason.
Cody couldn't believe Teaspoon would send them on this ride together. They swore after their purely accidental kiss that they'd never speak of it again. The only problem was that they seemed to lose the ability to speak to each other at all. Cody wasn't going to lie. He missed his friend. He missed the good natured ribbing that once went on between them. He could tell Jimmy was still angry that Cody had apparently offended Clara but that wasn't why Cody was at such a loss for words. He knew there was no way he could ever explain to anyone, least of all Jimmy, what was really bothering him. He hadn't even fully admitted it to himself.
The ride was quiet the first day and Cody was starting to wonder if he'd done something else to raise Jimmy's ire besides mess things up with Clara. Sure Jimmy had liked her and all but in reality he'd barely known the girl. More than once as they rode Cody caught Jimmy looking at him with an expression he couldn't place. That expression would quickly twist into a scowl as Jimmy returned his attention to the trail.
Finally with nothing but a series of nods and grunts they settled on a place to stop and make camp. They easily went about the tasks of readying for the night, collecting wood, starting a fire, getting water and the other basic things that needed to be done.
Teaspoon may not have known exactly what was causing the rift between them but forcing them together would eventually force them to deal with whatever it was. Neither young man was gifted with a great deal of patience and neither was one to deal for long with the discomfort between them.
It was Cody who broke first.
"I'm sick of this Hickok!" he near growled in an effort to mask his own fear. "You been glaring daggers at me for weeks. I know I messed things up. I'm sorry and I said that before. Get it over with. Punch me, yell at me. I don't even care. Just have it out so we can go back to how we was."
Jimmy stalked over to nearly bump chests with Cody all the while wondering himself what he would do. Wondering if anything he did or could do would allow them to go back to how they'd been. Cody's face twisted into a defiant scowl with eyes screwed shut tight. Jimmy wanted to hit him, land a punch, feel Cody's lip split beneath his fist. He wanted to mar the soft, full lips that crept into every fantasy he tried to have about a woman. He wanted to blacken the ice blue eyes that sent him come hither looks in the dreams that would leave him to wake wet and sticky. Maybe a battered face would leave him alone. He just couldn't bring himself to throw the punch. He balled his fists repeatedly and tried to direct his anger at the man in front of him.
He finally mustered the strength or courage or whatever it was he had lacked to raise his hand but still could not bring it forward in anger. Instead he reached to just touch Cody's cheek. At the contact Cody flinched which raised something close to anger in Jimmy and before Cody could even open his eyes to see what was going on, Jimmy had grabbed the back of Cody's head and pulled him tight into a crushing kiss.
Jimmy had hoped that kissing Cody would leave him feeling disgusted and allow him to rid his head of thoughts about Cody that were so wrong. When he instead felt himself becoming aroused, he released Cody's head and tried to pull away only to find that Cody's fingers had tangled into his own hair and Cody's tongue was probing his mouth. This was not what he was supposed to want. This was not what he did want. But then it felt so damned good.
Cody had braced himself for the impact. He didn't relish the idea of being punched but if it got Hickok's anger for him out and allowed them to be friends again then he'd take it. He'd even silence the voice inside his head telling him what it thought he really wanted if it meant they could go back to something close to what they had before.
Cody didn't want to listen to that voice inside him anyway. It confused and disturbed him. It made him reanalyze over and over the kiss they had innocently shared when Clara had tricked them.
How they entered the kiss may have been innocent enough but the kiss itself was anything but. They both had been quite smitten with Clara and had assumed the person they approached was her. Cody's only intent was to kiss her so passionately that her corset would suddenly be too tight. Apparently that had been Jimmy's plan as well and they had come together in the near perfect darkness mouths opened, tongues greedily exploring. Shock at not kissing who they thought they'd be kissing had driven them apart. But Cody could still feel the commanding force of Jimmy's kiss and if he thought on it could still taste him and feel Jimmy's gloved hands on his face. He deserved the punch that was coming for having those thoughts about his friend.
He waited with his eyes clamped shut and tried to steel himself against the blow. But none came. He felt fingers tender on his cheek and jerked away in surprise moments before his head was forced forward and his lips were nearly bruised in a rough kiss. His eyes flew open quickly only to confirm that his mouth was in fact being claimed by Jimmy.
Cody had no idea what possessed him to do what he did next but he allowed his hands to tangle into Jimmy's long brown hair and he kissed him back returning the aggression of Hickok's kiss.
When Cody released Jimmy they were both out of breath. Cody tried to read Jimmy's expression in the flickering light of their campfire. He tensed again but didn't know exactly what he was bracing himself against. For all he knew Hickok could hit him or kiss him again or, well he didn't even know what else could happen and out of all the choices he wasn't even sure which he would prefer. He did spare a glance to make sure Jimmy had removed his gun belts. They were on the ground next to where Jimmy had been sitting. Jimmy looked dangerous all the same. It both frightened and excited Cody to think what his friend might be capable of.
Jimmy stood there glaring at Cody and feeling the fear and what might even be desire rolling off the other man in waves. He was probably putting the same things out there as well. Jimmy stared into Cody's eyes as long as he could bear before shifting his gaze.
"Better get some sleep," he grumbled walking unsteadily to unfurl his bedroll, "Morning ain't going to come any later on our account."
Neither young man slept all that much although they stayed still each with his back turned to the other to feign sleep. The both of them trying to figure out their feelings and what they even meant.
Cody was still completely taken aback at the force of Hickok's kiss. Women did not kiss this way. As much as he loved soft tender kisses from soft tender female lips, there was something exhilarating in being dominated by Jimmy's mouth. The kiss they had just shared was different from their accidental one even. When Jimmy had claimed his mouth this time there was anger in it and fear and an element of danger as well. It excited and aroused him in ways no mere kiss ever had before.
Now in the dark with the heat of the campfire at his back he could feel the reaction from his body at the thought of Jimmy's lips on his, Jimmy's tongue almost violently plundering his mouth. He could still feel where Jimmy's fingers had dug into the back of his head.
Jimmy wasn't faring any better. He tried to will himself to think of women. Every town he went to there were young ladies who would smile and bat their eyes and make him wish he had more time. His mind drifted happily to full pink lips that turned easily to a warm and welcoming smile, blue eyes like ice crystals in winter and silky blonde hair. It was a perfect image and he started to relax and feel better about things until his thoughts of soft curves and firm, round breasts gave way to a hard, muscular chest and the reality hit him that like the chest, the lips, eyes and hair all belonged to one William F. Cody.
Jimmy had never looked at a man twice before but now he suddenly found himself wanting to do more than look at Cody. He wanted to kiss him, kiss those full lips. He wanted to feel the hardened muscles of Cody's chest under his fingers. Jimmy was suddenly very uncomfortable and knew he had to take care of his discomfort. Living in the bunkhouse with other people, one of whom was a girl, Jimmy had learned to take care of such discomfort quietly and with little to no notice. He was sure he wasn't the only one either.
He gave in and allowed his mind to go where it wanted and fill with thoughts of Cody. Once he was finished he wasn't sure who he hated more, himself for having such wrong thoughts or Cody for putting them there. It wasn't right what he felt. It wasn't normal and yet he was utterly powerless against the feeling. Jimmy wasn't even sure what he'd do with Cody if Cody was indeed feeling the same things. He had the smallest of inklings of how men could be together. He had heard stories but wasn't sure he could bring himself to do any of the things he had heard about. Of course it hadn't been so long ago and he would have thought kissing a man was out of the question. Now it seemed the only thing he wanted to do.
Both men were up and moving around almost as soon as the sun began rising and they quickly set to rekindling the fire and cooking some food. The silence between them was oppressive. Finally Cody ventured to talk.
"Those clouds to the west don't look too friendly," he offered trying to sound normal and conversational. He knew he failed miserably at the former and didn't do too much better with the latter. "Think we can make the ledge before it gets too nasty?"
The ledge, as all the riders called it, was an odd outcropping of rocks under which each of them had taken shelter at one time or another.
"Probably," Jimmy grunted, "But not if we sit here flapping our gums all day."
Jimmy avoided eye contact as he spoke and then tossed the remainder of his coffee on the fire. That was the signal to Cody to get up and get ready to head out as well.
It was quiet between the men as they rode each lost in his own thoughts. Though it seemed neither one really wanted to truly contemplate his thoughts. Those thoughts were too confusing and scary. Each knew they would only get more so the closer the storm drew and the closer they got to the ledge. Taking shelter under the ledge meant being confined to a relatively small space together for the duration of the storm.
The nearer they got to their destination for shelter the more they could see the lightning crawling across the clouds. They could hear thunder as well but there was still a decent space between the flash and the rumble.
The rain was falling in big, slow drops as Jimmy and Cody set to collecting wood for a fire so that they could wait out the storm in comfort. By the time the heavy rain came they were securely under the ledge next to a crackling fire.
"Hickok?" Cody asked tentatively and then waited for a grunt from his friend before continuing. "Maybe we should talk…you know, about what happened?"
Cody dipped his head fully expecting Jimmy to blow up at him.
Jimmy mulled over Cody's words. He didn't want to talk. His brain and body had many ideas for what he did want to do but none of them involved talking. He knew they probably should talk though.
"Good idea," he grumbled, "You first."
Cody swallowed hard. He was unprepared for this response and stammered a moment before collecting himself.
"I ain't never even considered kissing a man before," he began, "It just wasn't something that occurred to me to do. But when we accidentally, well, you know…kissed, there was something about it. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I know you thought you was kissing Clara and those feelings weren't for me. Thing was it made me feel all sorts of things and made me kind of wish that you did mean all that for me." Cody paused and dared a quick glance at Hickok but could read nothing on the other man's face so he went on. "I know the things I was thinking was wrong. I know I'm not supposed to want the things I think I want but I can't seem to help it. I kept telling myself that it was especially wrong 'cause you didn't feel the same but now I kind of wonder. I think maybe you're feeling something."
Jimmy watched Cody's eyes dart away in nervousness or maybe outright fear.
"Quit acting like I'm going to punch you," Jimmy said trying to soften his voice. It hurt that Cody would think he would hurt him. He didn't want to think of any of the men who'd become like family to fear him but with Cody it hurt the same way it had hurt when Alice had looked at him fearfully. "I think I wanted to or I wanted to want to but I can't bring myself to do it and I think maybe I don't really want to."
Comforting Cody wasn't anything he thought he'd ever be doing too much of but then he was starting to get almost used to doing things he never imagined.
Cody sat there still afraid to meet Jimmy's eyes and he guessed it was like how animals would only return a stare as a sign of aggression. He didn't want his look misunderstood.
"You don't want to punch me no more," Cody began shakily, "What do you want?"
He wasn't even sure he wanted to know.
"To kiss you."
The words were simple and honest and yet they took more courage than facing down someone who called him out. Jimmy felt he was taking a huge risk and yet Cody had been the one to inch onto that limb first. Maybe it would be strong enough to hold them both.
Cody shifted to kneel and walked on his knees the few feet to his friend. Jimmy looked at him with a desire that was both frightening and welcoming. He raised his hand and traced Jimmy's jaw with the tips of his fingers. As he bent his head toward Hickok's, Cody felt as though his heart might just stop but still he pressed his lips gently to Jimmy's. He could feel Jimmy's fingers rake lightly through his hair and move to gently caress his neck. There was a reverence in the way Jimmy's mouth moved over his and such tenderness in the other man's touch.
They were so tentative, both of them, each afraid the other would object. Yet Jimmy voiced no complaint when Cody began kissing his neck and Cody had no objections when Jimmy began to unbutton his shirt and tenderly caress his chest. Soon shirts were shed and they were tentative no more. They were bare to the waist with hands and mouths exploring hungrily. Jimmy had just rolled Cody onto his back and was kissing his way across his chest when a bolt of lightning struck close resulting in an almost instantaneous crack of thunder. Both men froze, momentarily startled. Jimmy realized one of his hands was trailing dangerously close to the waist of Cody's pants. He quickly moved it away and rolled onto his back. He was beginning to reconcile himself with kissing another man and even with Cody being that man but to touch another man there was something else entirely.
The placement of Jimmy's hand hadn't escaped Cody's notice either. He hadn't realized where Jimmy was headed before the noise interrupted them and he wasn't sure how he felt about that either. On the one hand there was something there in need of some attention but on the other hand having a man be the one to give that attention felt wrong. He had decided that no matter how wrong the rest of the world might find the two of them kissing that in his mind it was just fine. But he wasn't quite sold on another man reaching down his pants.
Jimmy was panicked. He didn't know what he wanted at all. The very thought that some part of him wanted into another man's pants was shocking and confusing and left him with more questions than he could even think about, let alone answer. If what he really wanted was what he almost did then he wondered where that would stop. Would touching be enough or would he want more and what was that more even, what did that even mean? Perhaps it didn't even matter what he wanted. Allowing his hand that kind of free rein could get him punched or shot.
They both sat up seemingly reluctant to look at each other. There was awkward silence for a few minutes before Jimmy spoke.
"Are you okay?" He wasn't sure where that came from but the moment the words left his lips he realized nothing mattered to him as much as the answer.
"Yeah, you?" Cody replied.
Jimmy nodded but wasn't sure at all if he really was.
"What're we doing here, Cody?" Jimmy half yelled and then quieted. "I mean, what's wrong with us? We ain't supposed to want this."
"Since when do either one of us do what we're supposed to do?" Cody shot back without even thinking. He flinched quickly knowing that this probably wasn't the best time or place for attempting humor.
Jimmy eyed Cody for a time nearing anger at the other man for trying to make light of something so serious. But then he understood that Cody's humor was just his way of dealing with things and this really was funny in its own way. So he laughed. At first his laughter was soft and then it grew to a hearty laugh.
Cody was surprised by Hickok's laughter but soon joined him.
"Seriously," Jimmy said when their laughter died away, "We can't exactly tell people about this—whatever it is."
Cody looked into the fire knowing Jimmy was right. It sort of hurt him that he couldn't ask anyone about this but the man next to him who was just as confused. When he looked up, Jimmy had an odd look on his face.
"What?"
"Turn around," Jimmy instructed frowning and gesturing for Cody to turn his back on Jimmy.
Cody did and then jumped when he felt fingers on the still bare skin of his back.
"This hurt?" Jimmy asked touching a spot and making Cody jump. "Looks like I had you pinned on some rocks."
Jimmy kissed the spot tenderly and then five or six others. A couple of places caused no pain but the others were sensitive. Jimmy then pulled Cody back to rest against him.
"None of 'em broke the skin," he whispered in Cody's ear, "You'll have an ugly bruise or two though. I'm sorry."
"You didn't put the rocks under me."
"I pushed you down on them and held you there."
Cody shifted around. He was between Jimmy's legs and he turned just enough to look Jimmy in the face when he spoke.
"To be honest," he said almost shyly, "I was feeling too good to notice the rocks. Pretty sure the feeling good was your doing."
Cody tried to look away embarrassed to have voiced such a thing even though it was true. But Jimmy's hand stopped him from looking away.
Leaning down, Jimmy pressed his lips gently to Cody's as his fingers traced shapeless patterns on the man's back.
"I just suddenly feel like I should be taking better care of you," Jimmy said.
"Maybe you should try taking better care of yourself," Cody said running his fingers over a scar on Jimmy's shoulder, "You've been running on luck longer than anyone's got a right."
Jimmy grunted a response and then turned the attention away from himself.
"Still think we ought to get a move on as soon as this let's up. I'd rather get into a town before nightfall. Those bruises'll feel better resting on a soft bed than the hard ground."
In time the two were able to get back on the trail. There wasn't a great deal of talk between them but the silence was a great deal more settled than it had been before. There was a realization that, at least between the two of them, there was no cause for shame in their feelings. They were not alone and did not stand to lose a friend over this.
Cody was still a little unsure. Jimmy talked of a bed for the night and that scared him a little. Feeling the heat and danger of someone like Hickok was exciting when he was feet from his gun and horse and could get away. Things would be different if they were in bed together. Danger when you know you can escape is one thing but danger with no way out was just terrifying. Cody wondered if this was the effect Jimmy had on women as well and thought it probably was.
They made it into a town just as night fell and once they saw to their horses they set out to see to their own accommodations.
Cody looked uneasily at Jimmy when the clerk's eyes raised to the both of them.
"Just a couple rooms for the night," Jimmy said not even daring a glance at Cody. The men were given their keys and headed up the stairs side by side.
Neither man was in a mood to eat so they said their goodnights in the hall but Jimmy caught Cody's arm before he could walk away.
"We got two rooms but that don't mean we got to use them both," he said quietly, "Don't mean we can't either. It's up to you."
Without waiting for a response, Jimmy slipped into his room. Once the door was closed securely behind him he leaned against it and sighed heavily. He was torn. He had wanted to ask for just one room but at the same time was afraid, he was afraid of the implication, afraid of making assumptions of Cody's wants and afraid of what Cody might assume he wanted. He still didn't know entirely what that was. What had possessed him to say what he had before they parted he wasn't even sure. Even less sure was he of what he wanted Cody to choose. He thought it might do him good to go a night without the confusion created by Cody being close but he hated parting from the other man. And if he was willing to admit it, he really would love to fall asleep with Bill Cody in his arms.
Cody was in a similar state of indecision. He had been both relieved and a little disappointed when Jimmy had asked for two rooms. He wasn't sure he wanted the pressure there might be on him if they were alone together, especially if he didn't have his own room to retreat to. But a part of him felt a little rejected at Jimmy's request for two rooms. For some reason he at least wanted Jimmy to want him, even if he wasn't sure about anything that Jimmy might want him for. Now he understood and was grateful on some level that there were no demands being placed on him. He was even more grateful that it was to be his decision, when he finally figured out what he wanted that was. For the immediate time being he sat on his bed and thought about things. He thought about how it felt every time he and Jimmy kissed, how overwhelming it was to his senses. He thought about how out of control things had nearly gotten at the ledge. He thought about the dangerous persona his friend had and yet how tender he had been when he saw the marks left by the rocks against his back. The decision turned out not to be as difficult as Cody thought it might be although it still stirred up a great deal of uncertainty within him.
Jimmy was restless. He hated not being in control. He hated that what happened would be Cody's call. He hated even more the knowledge that he had made it Cody's call because he didn't know what he wanted. He tried sitting on the bed and then went and stood at the window for a while. It must have been a good hour or so later when he decided to turn the lamp down and stretch out on the bed and try for some sleep. He wasn't sure he'd be successful what with all the thoughts swirling around in his head but he hadn't really slept at all the night before. And with the time that had passed he figured that Cody had made his choice and it was to stay in his own room. Jimmy was equally torn between relief and sadness at that though he had to admit that sadness was winning out. He had scarcely settled himself on the bed with arms crossed behind his head when there was a knock on the door. He grabbed one of his guns on his way to answer, just to be on the safe side. He hoped it was Cody but knew it probably wasn't.
Jimmy opened the door just enough to see who was there. He immediately lowered the gun and opened the door all the way. Cody stood in the doorway eying the pistol warily.
"You said I should be more careful," Jimmy explained putting the gun back in its holster.
Cody closed the door behind him once he was fully in the room but then stood there stock still barely two feet into the room. He wasn't sure why he was here but he felt compelled to stay no matter how much of him told him to leave. He only hoped Jimmy would be gentle with him.
Jimmy walked over to where Cody stood and raised a hand to gently brush the hair away from Cody's face.
"I wasn't sure what choice I wanted you to make until I figured you had made it. Then I knew I wanted you to make this one. I thought you wasn't coming."
There was so much hurt in Jimmy right then. Cody thought back to what he knew of Jimmy's romantic exploits and so many of them had gone so badly. He pulled Jimmy close to him and kissed him. Whatever happened and wherever this night ended up, Cody could be okay with it if he never again had to look into Jimmy's eyes and see the pain of every rejection he had suffered.
The tenderness of Cody's kiss, the very emotion contained within it, was like to make tears spring to Jimmy's eyes. He had never felt such a thing before. There was no attempt at dominance, there was no force, there was only love and a reassurance that he was cared for. When they parted Jimmy's eyes were shining. He cleared his throat and spoke.
"I expect we have some talking to do."
Cody nodded gratefully. He had hoped that the kiss they had shared wasn't seen as an invitation to continue on with advances he wasn't sure he was ready to return just yet. Talking might be good. There really wasn't anywhere to sit in the small room besides the bed and they both looked as though they were pretending they were anywhere but there.
"I still ain't figured out what this is I feel," Jimmy admitted, "I care for you and I can't figure out why I care for you like I would a woman, like a woman I want to be with or want to love. Maybe that's what it is. I don't know. I guess I've heard stories about men being with men like they are with women and I guess I know what they would do but I ain't sure that's what I want yet, or ever even. I guess unless you did and then I don't know…"
Jimmy couldn't even meet Cody's eyes. The fact was that thoughts of what men did when they shared the relations that usually a man and woman shared were starting to excite him a little. He still didn't think he was ready for such a thing but the very idea that being with Cody like that would excite him made him nervous and unsure.
"I told you before, Hickok," Cody started, "I ain't never wanted to even kiss a man before I wanted to kiss you. I reckon I heard the same stories you have or stories like 'em. I don't think I'm ready for that either. But I don't seem to want to stay away from you. Maybe it is love. I know I care an awful lot about you. More than I realized I did. I don't even know why I came here tonight except that I didn't want to sleep alone and I didn't want you to either."
They sat in silence looking anywhere but at each other until Cody spoke again.
"I came in here not knowing what you'd want of me," he said, "So what do you want?"
"If you want to know the truth," Jimmy said with half a laugh, "I didn't sleep hardly a wink last night and I'm dead tired. I don't think you're getting enough sleep either. You're here and I want you to stay and sleep here with me."
Once they were undressed for bed and snug under the covers, the uneasiness hit them again. They were each securely on their own side of the bed and barely daring to move.
"This ain't what you had in mind, was it?" Cody asked knowing it's not how he hoped things would work out. What he wanted was to fall asleep safe in Jimmy's arms.
"I had thought we'd be closer together," Jimmy admitted and they scooted themselves toward the middle of the bed.
Cody rolled over and rested his head on Jimmy's well-muscled chest hearing the heart beating within. It was beating so fast that Cody worried at first but then thought his own probably was too. Once they got more accustomed to this then their hearts wouldn't race over just being this close. He felt Jimmy's arms tighten around him and his hand stroke his long blond hair.
"This is more like it," Jimmy mumbled already half asleep, "Think I can sleep now."
"Me too," Cody whispered against Jimmy's chest knowing it wouldn't be long before Jimmy's heartbeat lulled him to sleep.
Cody thought when he woke still curled tight to Jimmy that things might be awkward between them but when he felt Jimmy stir the first thing he felt was Jimmy's arms tighten around him and then a kiss pressed to the top of his head. Cody tilted his head and kissed Jimmy's collar bone.
"How'd you sleep?" he asked.
"Pretty damned good," Jimmy answered, "Got a little worried when I woke up that you wouldn't really be here. I never done that before."
"Done what?" Cody asked him.
"Slept with someone and just held them," Jimmy replied, "Been with women but never spent the night with one in my arms. It's nice."
Cody wasn't sure why he felt a pang of jealousy when Jimmy mentioned being with women. He had too but for some reason he sort of wanted to think there'd been no one else before him.
Jimmy meant what he said although it wasn't a thought he ever imagined having. Sure he'd thought someday he'd find a woman he wanted to marry and maybe then he would wake up with her in his arms and it would be nice. But mostly he thought of other things to do with women and few of those things involved sleeping. Just holding Cody had felt so good, just knowing this person he cared about was safe made it easier to sleep. But he had to admit that it had given him dreams filled with all sorts of ideas that were just beginning to flood back to him. He felt something pressing into his side and realized both he and Cody were in the midst of a common predicament for men upon waking. He thought that might bring some embarrassment and indeed it seemed Cody was trying to move away from him. Jimmy held him tighter though.
Cody hadn't been initially aware of himself at first but once he was, once he knew that Jimmy could feel it, he tried to scoot away but found himself held fast. He shouldn't have been embarrassed at all. They shared a bunkhouse and had seen each other in such a state nearly every morning, the other guys too. But he hadn't ever been in this state while sharing a bed with another man and especially not Jimmy. He felt Jimmy roll his hip against his 'problem' and heard the moan that unconsciously escaped his lips. His hand moved of its own accord snaking to the back of Jimmy's neck and pulling him closer and into a kiss.
Their movements were timid as their hands wandered and explored the forbidden, or what they had always thought was forbidden. The undergarments they had slept in were soon abandoned on the floor allowing flesh to press into hot flesh. They kissed, they touched, they explored and soon were lying back against the pillows panting.
"You still okay?" Jimmy asked pressing a tender kiss to the side of Cody's head.
"Yeah," Cody answered brushing his hand across Jimmy's cheek and stroking his long hair. "I'm good right now."
Jimmy smiled. He hadn't been sure about touching Cody as he did or even when Cody had touched him but it was damned awful good and he was glad they were near to making their delivery and weren't expected back home for a while. Perhaps they could do some more touching, if Cody was agreeable, that was.
Silence fell over them as they rode that morning but it felt good. Cody was lost in thought trying to catch hold of all that had happened. He set out on this ride with feelings he thought were wrong and might get him killed or at least get his ass kicked. They were feelings he wasn't even so sure he was alright with and yet this very morning he had been kissing another man, touching and caressing him. Surely anything that felt that good couldn't be all that wrong. And he wasn't just talking about Jimmy touching him like he had. What felt good was being that cared for. Jimmy had said it was maybe even like love and Cody was starting to think maybe it was enough like love to be love. It seemed like it had happened so fast but then it had been nearly three months since the incident that started them thinking about feelings like this. Nearly three months of pretending to act normal, of avoiding Jimmy lest something give him away and all this time, Jimmy was feeling the same things and not knowing what to do about them either. If only one of them was a girl, then the other could have gone to Teaspoon and this would have been settled much sooner. Cody felt sad for the time they had lost but then they were still young and had lots of time.
They reached their destination around midday and made their delivery before setting out to find somewhere to grab a bite to eat. Finding a table off in a corner, they finally felt like they could talk a little between being interrupted by the waitress who was trying to flirt with them. After she set their plates down in front of them and walked off they looked at each other and began to laugh. Later they would reflect how hard it was to not make a scene but it seemed funny how only they knew that the poor girl was wasting her time making eyes at them. It wasn't too long before this that they would have nearly come to blows over her and now neither one wanted anything but the man across the table.
Cody looked around and saw they were safe to talk.
"What comes next?" he asked almost afraid to hear the answer. If this didn't mean as much to Jimmy, if Jimmy just thought this was a way to pass the time on the ride, he didn't know what he would do.
"I don't have the slightest idea," Jimmy said, "I almost kind of wish we was on this ride for longer…a lot longer. Going back is going to mean acting like none of this happened. It's going to mean pretending to care about the girls at dances. And even if we aren't home, we'd never be able to dance with who we want anyway."
Jimmy looked sadly at his meal and was suddenly not very hungry at all.
"It doesn't mean we have to stay apart, does it?" Cody asked desperately, "I mean if we're careful we could find time, right?"
"I think we'll have to 'cause I don't think I could rightly stand it if we don't."
Cody looked relieved and Jimmy knew he was. Things he had experienced in the last couple of days went beyond anything he could ever imagine as far as being with someone and he wasn't about to give any of that up just yet. He wasn't sure how he'd deal with so many things once they returned to their regular lives but he knew he could work it out as long as Cody wanted this as much as he did. They finished their lunches and remounted their horses and headed toward home but didn't move very fast doing it.
"Aren't they waiting on us getting back?" Cody asked.
"Nah," Jimmy answered, "Remember what Teaspoon said, we shouldn't come back until we fix whatever's wrong between us. I still think we need to work some things out. I ain't ready to go back to that."
"I wish things could be different, Hickok," Cody said, "You think there'll ever be a time when two men can have the feelings we have and actually tell people about it?"
"I don't know," Jimmy mused, "It don't seem so but then there's been lots of things happen didn't seem like could happen."
That night they found a town and didn't bother with getting two rooms. It's not as if eyebrows raised at two young people wishing to save money by sharing a room and no longer was there a fear of what the other man might think or feel or desire. They were both reconciling themselves with their desires and as they worked to be more comfortable with the things they felt and wanted, each knew the other was struggling just as much and neither would push the other beyond what he felt he could or wanted to handle.
They undressed and crawled into bed and as tired as they were, they did not fall asleep immediately. They were much less tentative in this encounter each of them feeling more confident. They freely allowed hands and mouths to explore every inch of the other's body and savored each sensation.
In time Jimmy found himself near sleep with Cody once again settled to his side. He'd never felt such pleasure before from anyone and believed he might not have cared as much for anyone before either. Cody was beautiful, as beautiful as any woman but then nothing like a woman. He was strong and lean and solid and all the time Jimmy spent thinking what he wanted and needed were soft curves, he found he appreciated Cody's body more and the fact that Cody's body came with those lips that begged to be kissed and eyes like clear pools he could nearly drown in and that silky blond hair he could spend hours twirling his fingers in made this even better. He wasn't sure what he had that another man would find so appealing but he didn't want to question it too much. He ran his fingers up and down Cody's back absently and when he felt the shiver from the other man he tightened his embrace around him and pulled the blanket tighter.
"Thought you'd be asleep by now," Jimmy said softly.
"About halfway there," was the answer.
Cody closed his eyes happily. Hearing Jimmy's low rumble in his ear overtook him with a peace he'd rarely felt before. He'd been the man of the house from a far too early age, he reckoned, and never gave it much thought. When he was sent to work so young to help his ma, he didn't think much on that either but perhaps he really still needed to be taken care of. It felt so good to rest his head against this muscled chest and feel Jimmy's strong arms tight around him and his voice soft and deep like thunder in the distance vibrating in his ears. Even the way Jimmy had just tightened the blanket around him as if protecting him from a chill made Cody feel relaxed like he hadn't for more of his life than he cared to think on. And only today Cody had noticed Jimmy's smile. When they had been getting their lunch and were laughing at their inside joke, Cody looked to see Jimmy's smile when he left it unguarded. It was beautiful and dimpled. He hadn't ever realized Jimmy had dimples. And the light that shone in his golden brown eyes made them dance and even appear two or three shades lighter. Here in the dark, Cody reached and twirled a piece of Jimmy's long hair between his fingers. He wondered how he had never seen Jimmy for what he was before now.
"You know what, Jimmy," Cody said in a soft murmur, "You have a really nice smile. Don't think I paid it much mind until today but it's real nice. You should smile more—laugh more too."
"Maybe I'll just do that," Jimmy whispered, "If it'll make you happy."
Jimmy was rewarded by Cody's arm tightening across his abdomen and Cody planting a kiss on his chest. Yeah, he'd laugh more of it meant that much to Cody.
The next day was a slower paced day. They had no place to be and so just ambled along most of the time and talked. Each shared stories of growing up. And they discovered they had more in common than either had known.
Jimmy found it odd that for all the discussions they had about slavery and abolition that Cody had never mentioned his father had been so outspoken for the cause and had, in fact, died for it as his own father had.
Cody's heart broke for Jimmy having had to watch his mother suffer as she had. He was terribly close to his own mother and could not imagine that pain. They had come to a stream and decided to stop riding and sit for a while. Cody put a hand on Jimmy's shoulder and it almost hurt him the way Jimmy jumped.
"I'm sorry, Jimmy," Cody said, "I'm sorry you had to go through that and when you were so young. I don't think I could have stood to see my ma hurt like that. Hell, I ain't strong enough to be with her now while she's sick. It's half the reason I took this job. We needed the money and it was an excuse to get away from watching her suffer."
"You're not an orphan?" Jimmy asked incredulously.
"I lied when I signed on. I know I shouldn't've but it seemed the only way at the time and from the last letter I got from my sister, it won't be too much longer before it's not a lie."
Cody cursed the break he couldn't keep from his voice. For all they had shared and as much as he knew Jimmy cared for him, he did not want to cry in front of the other man. But then he felt arms wind around him and lips press firmly to his cheek.
"You should go see her," Jimmy said softly, "I'd take your rides and if you told the others, I'm sure they would too."
"I can't tell them," Cody protested, "None of the rest of you got folks left at all and I still have my mother."
"Billy," Jimmy whispered and it stopped Cody dead in his tracks because Jimmy hardly ever called him anything but Cody. "Ain't a one of us wouldn't give his right arm for just one more day with his ma. You been sacrificing to take care of her. We all came with secrets and ain't no one going to get mad at you for having your own. Anyone finds out your ma's still alive and you didn't see her while you could and then there would be some hard feelings."
"You think?"
"I know."
"You'd take on the extra work for me?" Cody asked in disbelief.
Jimmy pressed a tender kiss to Cody's lips.
"I'd do pretty much anything for you."
They rode a while longer before finding a town and after checking into a hotel they grabbed some supper. It was an uneventful meal with relaxed conversation. They laughed about things they had seen or been through together and it was almost like they had gone back to the friends they had been before the Valentine's incident. Except that before then Jimmy wouldn't have been fighting to keep from moving that stray piece of hair off of Cody's face and Cody wouldn't have been longing to place his hand over Jimmy's on the table. The both of them though kept up the charade of just two friends sharing a meal until behind the closed door of their room when everything they had wanted to do for the previous hour came rushing over them as their mouths met in a searing kiss.
"I don't know if you do it on purpose," Jimmy said panting after they had parted, "But you been making me want to do that all through supper."
"There's a couple things you been making me want too," Cody said smirking.
They came together again and there was no more tentative exploration or even exploration of any kind. They already knew their way around the other, knew what to do to elicit certain responses, knew how to touch and how they wanted to be touched. Jimmy was above Cody, kissing his face, his neck, pressing his nude body against the other man's when Cody spoke.
"Jimmy," he said grazing his fingers over the curve of Jimmy's backside, "I need to tell you something."
Jimmy stopped kissing and looked into Cody's eyes and saw there was something serious that Cody had to discuss.
"Right now?" Jimmy asked, "You need to talk right now?"
Cody's eyes shifted away and then closed as his brow furrowed and he nodded. Jimmy rolled from atop him and pulled Cody close to his side.
"What is it?" he asked begrudgingly.
"Well," Cody began as if searching for the right words, "We haven't talked a lot about this part of things. I mean I know we've talked about how we can't do this as much once we get home and that sort of thing but what we're doing…we've been just sort of figuring it out as we go."
"Am I doing something wrong?" Jimmy asked, "'Cause I thought you was liking this as much as I was."
"I am," Cody assured him pushing up on an elbow in order to kiss him and then look him in the eye as he spoke. "I just get the feeling there's something else you want to do when we're like this and we've kind of stayed away from it. Before now I was glad of it 'cause I wasn't real sure I wanted it either."
Jimmy knew exactly what Cody was talking about. It was the main thing anyone talked about in those rare times when someone would talk about men being together. It was the closest thing two men could do to what a man and woman could, he figured. And he at first thought he'd never be able to want such a thing but the more time he spent with Cody, the more he did want it. He just didn't want to bring it up because he thought it might frighten the other man and he couldn't bear it if he drove him away.
"We don't ever have to, you know," Jimmy said squeezing Cody around the shoulders, "The rest of this is more than enough for me."
Cody ground his hips into Jimmy's side.
"I know we don't have to," he said, "I want to. I want you to…you know."
Jimmy sighed. These should have been words he was delighted to hear but he still held back.
"Billy, are you really sure about this?"
Cody stared unblinking and unflinching into Jimmy's eyes.
"Completely."
The two of them shifted and as they began to join their bodies, Jimmy heard the sharp intake of air from Cody and rolled away.
"I can't."
"All we've done together and you're disgusted by this? Now you can't be with me?" Cody was actually hurt by this rejection.
"I ain't disgusted," Jimmy said, "I can't hurt you. I just can't do it and I don't see a way around it."
Cody went from hurt to touched in the blink of an eye.
"It wasn't that bad," he contended, "Really. I'm sure it'll be fine."
"I'll know you're hurting," Jimmy said, "I can't feel good when it's causing you pain."
Cody brought his head down and rested it so close to Jimmy's that Jimmy could feel breath hot on the side of his face and then Cody's tongue flicking out at his ear lobe.
"Maybe if we think a bit we can find a way to make it easier," Cody whispered, "If other people do this there's got to be a way that everyone enjoys it, right?"
Jimmy turned his head and stared at Cody's earnest expression a moment before speaking.
"I'm sure you're right," he replied and the two of them set to figuring out their problem.
Afterward Jimmy felt like he couldn't hold Cody tight enough. Cody was trembling a bit in the wake of what they had done and he was certain that despite his best efforts not to that he had caused terrible pain to Cody.
"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked for at least the tenth time.
"I told you, I'm fine," Cody said sounding exasperated, "Honestly it's nice how you want to take care of me but you do overdo that sometimes."
"I don't want to see you hurt."
"I know. And I wasn't really," Cody replied, "How was it for you?"
Jimmy didn't want to answer. In truth it hadn't been that great. He had expected better but then he was so concerned about Cody he couldn't really enjoy the experience.
Cody saw Jimmy's hesitancy to answer and took it the wrong way.
"Guess I wasn't that good."
"It wasn't you," Jimmy quickly clarified, "It was me. I couldn't…I mean I was so afraid that…well, I guess I just couldn't let myself enjoy it too much."
"Maybe it's something that just takes practice," Cody offered, "But not tonight."
Jimmy chuckled and kissed the top of Cody's head and the two finally drifted off to sleep.
Riding was quiet the next day but it had returned to the awkward quiet and Cody couldn't stand it anymore. Jimmy was harder to figure out than a woman. He kept his feelings hidden more than one at any rate.
"What's eating you, Jimmy?" Cody finally asked, "You ain't said three words to me all day and it's near to noon."
Jimmy pulled up on the reins and turned in the saddle to look at Cody.
"I just been trying to make sense of this is all it is," he began, "I can't figure out why I want you and then I look at you and I can't figure out why I didn't always want you. I know this has been near to perfect and it's about to get a whole lot farther from perfect. I reckon we got two maybe three days 'til we're home and then we got to hide this even more. I'll see you every night getting ready for bed and I can't touch you or kiss you. You're going to leave on mail runs and I'm going to worry myself sick and not even be able to say it like Kid can about Lou. And I'm going to have to listen to Kid and Lou whine about their damned love life like they know what problems are. They don't know anything. You said I haven't said three words today. Well, I got three to say to you right now. I love you."
Jimmy stopped speaking abruptly as he realized what had just escaped his lips. He froze not knowing what Cody's reaction would be. But then he saw tension leave Cody's body.
"I love you too, Jimmy," Cody said with a smile, "I thought I might have to be the one to say it first but I do love you."
"This ain't going to be easy," Jimmy half muttered.
"I think I know what Teaspoon would say," Cody began and Jimmy cut him off.
"I don't think we want to think about what Teaspoon would say about the two of us."
"I meant what he'd say about this not being easy," Cody clarified and then cleared his throat and pretended to adjust imaginary suspenders. "Boys, when are you going to learn that life ain't meant to be easy and things that's easy ain't the things worth having?"
Jimmy laughed good and hearty at that. Not only was Cody more than likely dead on as to what the old man would say, he nailed the impersonation pretty well too.
Cody smiled back at Jimmy. Now he knew how he could see that smile any time he wanted to. He just had to imitate Teaspoon.
They managed to stretch the rest of the trip to three days and made the most of the time they had. They missed their friends but knew that those same friends would never understand what they'd become to each other. It was heartbreaking for both of them to think they had found love that they so sorely needed and couldn't even share that joy with people who would most want them to find love.
They were nearly home when Jimmy brought Sundance to a halt causing Cody to pause as well. Jimmy dismounted and took Cody's arm pulling him into a small stand of trees, out of sight of the unlikely passerby.
"We're almost home, Billy."
"I know," Cody said looking at the ground, "I don't really want this to end. It's been kind of ideal."
Jimmy nodded.
"It has and it's probably not going to be good like that again. But you need to know it ain't ending. Us being together like we have might be ending but me loving you ain't ending. Whatever happens you got to know that ain't ending."
Jimmy was shocked when Cody grabbed him and pulled him forcefully into a kiss.
"I love you too," Cody said when the kiss ended, "I don't plan on stopping that either."
Jimmy smiled knowing they would have to be creative to find time to be alone together but even if all he could steal was the occasional kiss he could be alright with that.
They rode into the station to Lou's call of 'riders coming' and faced the welcomes of their friends.
Teaspoon pulled them aside once the others were seeing to their horses.
"You boys hash out your differences?"
"Yeah Teaspoon," Jimmy said with a genuine smile, "I think we're better friends than ever."
"I'm glad to hear it," the older man said.
The bunkhouse door fell shut and they all looked up as Noah stepped out.
"About time the two of you got back," he called to them as he approached, "We was starting to take bets on whether you two had killed each other off or decided to run off and get married."
Jimmy and Cody both laughed a bit at the joke but shared a look.
"If only," Cody whispered so Teaspoon or Noah couldn't hear. Jimmy smiled and winked at him.
Epilogue
Autumn, 1876 Deadwood, Dakota Territory
Cody removed his hat before entering the cemetery. He could see the grave from outside the fence line but he needed to get closer. To be close to him one last time. He felt as though a fist was tightening around his heart as he approached the grave. He thought—not for the first time either—that perhaps there had been some mistake and this had not happened. That he would go instead into one of the saloons and find his friend in the middle of a card game, back safely to the wall and probably a little more than halfway to drunk. But then there it was and Cody knew that the saloons would all be empty of familiar faces for him. The only face he would want to see was long gone. Murdered in cold blood by a coward who could not even dare to face him like a man.
Charlie Utter had at least made sure there was a nice headstone for Jimmy even if he did spell his name wrong. At least it didn't only read 'Wild Bill'. Jimmy probably would have liked to have lost the name entirely in death but they both knew that wasn't to be.
"I told you," Cody said and his voice in the stillness of the cemetery startled him. "I said you lived on luck too long. Fifteen years ago I told you that. I told you I didn't want to see when your luck ran out. Damn it, Jimmy! Sitting with your back to the door? What were you even thinking? Were you even sober enough to think?"
It had been fifteen years and while they were never able to truly be together, they never did stop loving each other. Despite his anger at Jimmy right then he felt a hole within him that he doubted would ever be filled. They each had moved on knowing there was no real future where they could be together as they wanted. Jimmy had taken up with Rosemary Burke for a while and various others after that. Cody married Louisa and they had even been happy for a while. But they really weren't any longer and he doubted they ever would be again. Even in his worst times with Louisa he had known that there was someone out there who loved him deeper than he ever thought possible. That person was now in the grave before him and that was a thought he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to fully bear.
He knelt and placed his hand on the cool ground feeling the grass overtop tickling at his fingers. How badly he needed to see Jimmy smile, to see the light come into his eyes but he knew he'd never see that again outside of his own memories.
When he was lonely on the road, Cody only ever needed to recall that first week with Jimmy. They had started so afraid of each other and their own feelings and by week's end were ready to abandon family and responsibilities if it meant being able to be together.
He knew they'd acted different after they came back and the others noticed but as far as he knew the only one who ever figured it out was Teaspoon and that was because the man caught them kissing in the barn. They were usually so alert, especially in a place that close to the others but they had gotten lost in their passion and didn't hear the old marshal walk in.
Cody smiled at the memory and how they thought they probably had killed the man. He looked as if the shock would make his heart give out. Teaspoon had gone then without a word and they had been frightened although they weren't sure exactly what they were scared of. Maybe it was that he would tell all the others or maybe they feared firing or maybe it was just that they didn't want to lose the love of the closest thing they had to a father anymore.
Later that day Teaspoon summoned them to the sweat lodge. As they walked in Jimmy had squeezed his hand and Cody had known that no matter what happened that they would still be together and Jimmy would be there for him. They sat and faced what they knew could be the end of the family they thought they had found. Teaspoon cleared his throat.
"It ain't often I am at a loss for words but right now I am not sure how to start this," Teaspoon began, "Now I know sometimes boys your age get curious and especially when there ain't too many ladies around you can develop some powerful needs. Is that what was happening in the barn? You know you wouldn't be the first young men to have such a thing happen."
"Not-not exactly, Teaspoon," Jimmy stammered.
"I see. This has been going on for a while, hasn't it?"
They nodded.
"Well you know the great works of literature are filled with what they call forbidden love," Teaspoon went on, "I don't recall reading anything about this exactly but those stories all go to prove you can't help who you love. We fall in love with people and it don't necessarily make sense sometimes the package they come in. But you know the world ain't ready for this kind of love and I worry for you. Be careful boys. I don't want to see either of you getting hurt."
Sitting at the grave of his lover, it had taken him years to use the term even in his own head, Cody felt the tears come at that wave of relief that they didn't have to hide from Teaspoon. No one else ever knew. Louisa was sometimes jealous thinking that he had a mistress but even she never knew his lover was James Butler Hickok. A smile ghosted his lips at the thought. How scandalized the world would be to know that Wild Bill Hickok and Buffalo Bill Cody were in love and had been since they were little more than boys.
Cody thought maybe he should look up good old Clara Cassidy who had unwittingly brought them together and thank her but then she wouldn't know what for. There'd be no way to explain either.
"You know I never did stop loving you," Cody whispered, "I said I wouldn't and I didn't. I even felt a little jealous when you married Agnes. Silly, I know since I was already married and I knew there had been plenty of women. Still I felt it. Like someone else was taking what was mine." He paused and took a breath. "You were mine, weren't you? You know I was always yours. I don't aim to stop loving you now just 'cause you went and got yourself killed. I guess we'll meet again though God only knows when that will be."
Cody pressed a kiss to his fingertips and then held them to the ground covering Jimmy. He let them linger there a while and then stood and dusted himself off before turning and walking away.
I didn't intend to write this but the boys were having this problem, see...and they needed to work it out. And they did. Darling Anita has named this particular 'ship "Wild Bills". I really am contemplating more stories about them. I kind of love them and their story.-J