We're the best of friends
And we share our secrets
She knows everything that is on my mind
Lately something's changed
As I lie awake in my bed
A voice here inside my head
Softly says
The darkness pressed on Emily's eyelids as she tried to sleep. It was a futile fight; she had been lying here for hours now. But she just couldn't sleep. Even as she tossed and turned and her blankets wrapped around her, she couldn't get comfortable. Her mind wouldn't allow her to settle down and sleep. Instead, all she could see was her. Ali. Her best friend with the golden hair and confident smile and bright eyes that Emily thought lit up whenever Ali laid eyes on her. But maybe that was just Emily's wishful thinking.
As Ali's face floated in her mind, Emily prayed that she was not wrong about Ali and Ali's feelings. But, there was no way she could be wrong. Emily knew Ali. She knew Ali's quirks, had memorized her laugh. Ali was her best friend. Yes, there were the other girls that Emily adored, but she didn't love them like she loved Ali. Ali was special. Emily could always talk to Ali. While all the other girls could become so wrapped up in their own lives, Ali was always there when Emily needed her. Ali knew everything about Emily, and Emily wouldn't have it any other way.
But, on the other hand, how could Emily be right about Ali's feelings? Ali was elusive sometimes, and so mysterious. An enigma that Emily wanted to see the depths of. But there were so many times when Emily thought she could see the same longing in Ali's eyes that she possessed herself.
Why don't you kiss her
Why don't you tell her
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
'Cause she'll never know
If you never show
The way you feel inside
They were walking. Emily always felt bulky and clunky next to Ali. Ali made every step look like a dance. She moved with a grace that highlighted her captivating beauty; her spunky personality. Emily couldn't take her eyes off of the swing of Ali's arms, the point of her toes as she walked. It made Emily burn from the inside out; watching how Ali move. It filled her mind full of images that she would never own up to imagining.
"Your house, Em?" Ali was looking at her, with those bright eyes.
"Sure," Emily nodded eagerly, grasping onto any moment she got to spend alone with Ali. "My Mom baked this morning." In her mind, she was replaying how Ali had said her name; full of warmth and caring. No one had ever said her name like that before.
Ali's eyes seemed to shine brighter. "Chocolate chip cookies?" She clasped her hands in front of her chest and Emily noted how delicate they looked with their slim fingers and French manicure. "You know how I love your mom's chocolate chip cookies."
Emily smiled at the enthusiasm in her voice. While Ali could often be catty and cruel to others, she could be so childlike at times. Times Emily treasured, because Ali acted so grown up sometimes and it made Emily feel like she could never be enough. "Yeah. Chocolate chips."
Ali smiled. They turned onto Emily's street at the blonde took off. "Race you!"
Emily let out a wild laugh as she took off after Ali, who she let win because Emily loved the flush on her cheeks when she stood on Emily's porch and celebrated her triumph. As Emily reached for her house key, Ali played her fingers up and down Emily's arm. "Looks like you'll have to learn how to keep up, Em."
Was it just Emily or did Ali sound seductive?
Emily pushed the door open and Ali bounced inside; abandoning her adult persona in order for her innocent one. "Where's your mom?"
"Out to lunch," Emily replied absently, watching Ali's lean arm reach for one of the cookies and bite into it.
"So we have the place to ourselves?" Ali's voice was teasing.
Emily nodded, her throat closing up. There was chocolate staining Ali's lips. She wanted to lean over to her and kiss it off. She wanted to push her tongue across Ali's lips to taste the cookie. She wanted to feel Ali's body against her own. And it would be so easy. Half a step, a small lean.
Ali's tongue darted out and wiped the chocolate away herself.
"Movie time?" She asked, seemingly oblivious to Emily's fascination.
Oh I'm so afraid to make that first move
Just a touch and we
Could cross the line
Every time she's near
I wanna never let her go
Confess to her what my heart knows
Hold her close
In a way, Emily hated movie time. It was heaven and hell, all bound up into one. Ali had a habit of choosing horror movies that she jumped at. Which Emily thought must be an act because Ali was fearless. But Emily loved the horror movies too; not because of the genre, but because of the way Ali would cling to her in anticipation and fear. Like now. Half an hour into the movie and one of Ali's hands was around Emily's bicep and the other held a half-eaten cookie.
Ali screeched as the movie took an unexpected twist. The cookie was abandoned to the floor as Ali swung her legs over Emily's lap and wrapped her arms around Emily's neck. Emily inhaled Ali's perfume as Ali took a peek at the screen. Ali's chest was heaving and Emily was so aware of that fact.
Why didn't she just tighten her arms around Ali's body? Why couldn't she just hold Ali and bury her face in her hair? Why couldn't she cradle Ali like she wanted to every time she saw her?
But she knew. It was because she was scared of rejection. She was scared of losing Ali forever. Because she could be wrong about how Ali felt. She was also scared of how she felt about Ali. Ali was a girl and she was a girl and, as far as she knew, there was no one like her in Rosewood. No one who wanted another girl the way she wanted Ali. There was a reason Emily was with Ben. Ben was a boy. Girls dated boys. Girls wanted boys to hold and hug and kiss and love. Not other girls.
But Emily couldn't help it. Ali was just so beautiful.
Why don't you kiss her
Why don't you tell her
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
'Cause she'll never know
If you never show
The way you feel inside
Emily sat on Ali's bed. She could hear loud music coming from Jason's room and the drone of a T.V. from downstairs but she was focused on Ali.
"I just can't decide." Ali was pouting and Emily couldn't take her eyes off the fullness of her lips.
"They both look stunning on you," Emily offered, looking at the two dresses Ali had hanging in front of her.
Ali glowed under the compliment. "Why, thank you Em!" Ali put her hands on her hips. "But I just can't decide. I need to look perfect for my date tonight."
Emily tried to ignore the crushed feeling in her chest. It was irrational to hate this boy who was lucky enough to get a date with Ali. Some boy Emily hadn't even heard the name of. Some boy who wouldn't treat Ali the way she deserves. The way Emily could. The way Emily would. As Ali picked up the pink dress and held it to her body, Emily let her mind wander. She let her mind wander to a world where she was brave enough to say 'Ali, I love you'.
Perhaps Ali's eyes would sparkle and she would go 'I love you too, Em'. And Emily would have to clarify 'I love you as a girlfriend'. And Ali's eyes would widen but then she would sink down on the bed next to Emily and her little fingers would dance across Emily's cheeks, moving Emily's head so that Emily would have no choice but to look at her. And Ali's voice – so silky, so smooth, so captivating and perfect – would take on a gloriously happy tone as Ali said 'I know'. And then Ali would kiss her. A real kiss. A kiss that Emily would spend the rest of her life reliving.
But Emily wasn't brave enough to say those words and Ali was going on a date with some nameless boy who would only hurt her in the end and Emily would spend the rest of her life in a day dream.
What would you say
I wonder would she just turn away
Or would she promise me
That she's here to stay
It hurts me to wait
I keep asking myself
That night, she dreamed a nightmare. A nightmare where she confessed everything to Ali. Where she bared her soul to her best friend, revealed the one secret she had been harboring for so long, and Ali turned her away. She had thrown herself to the mercy of the golden-haired beauty and that beauty had turned up her nose. That beauty had sneered and rolled her eyes like she did at all of the lesser girls.
Suddenly, in Ali's eyes, she had become a lesser girl. 'Poor little Em' the dream Ali had taunted, though the words were degrading and sarcastic, not at all what Emily had been hoping and praying to hear from the moment she met Ali, though until recently her thoughts had been hidden even to Emily herself.
Upon waking, Emily strengthened her resolve. Not matter how badly her heart ached for Ali, she could never reveal herself. She loved Ali with all of her heart and soul, but there was no way she could know Ali felt the same way. There had been moments in the past where she had tried, subtly to show Ali how she felt, and Ali had never responded in the way Emily had hoped.
It was better to stay close to Ali as friends, rather than risk losing her. Because Emily could not handle losing Ali. The thought brought tears to her eyes. No matter what happened in her life, there would only ever be one Ali DiLaurentis, bright and shining and wonderful and Emily could ever think about.
Why don't you kiss her (tell her you love her)
Why don't you tell her (tell her you need her)
Why don't you let her see
The feelings that you hide
'Cause she'll never know
If you never show
The way you feel inside...
There would be no more chances. No more opportunities to kiss Ali. There would be no more holding Ali or laughing with Ali because Ali was gone. Even though a year had passed since they had seen Ali, Emily had been hoping. Hoping and praying and making deals with God that she would do anything he asked, if only she could see Ali again. If only she could be by Ali's side again.
But she never could be.
Because Ali was gone. Ali is hidden away in the black casket that she knows Ali is scoffing about (black is boring! Couldn't they have picked something a little flashier! I am Alison DiLaurentis for God sake, not some eighty year old!). Emily can't even look upon the face she had spent countless hours memorizing one last time. Because Ali has been gone too long. She wouldn't even look like Ali anymore.
Sobs build in her chest as she stares at the picture of Ali set up beside the casket. What she wouldn't give to run a hand along the perfect skin or hear Ali laugh or even the knowledge that Ali, Ali who she loved and wanted by her side and never wanted to give up, was alive and safe somewhere. She couldn't believe that Ali was gone. That her youthfulness and her long golden hair and shining eyes and charismatic personality wasn't there anymore for the world to experience.
There was no more Ali and as Emily struggled to accept that fact, she also had to accept that, without Ali, the Emily that she was could no longer exist either.
Why don't you kiss her?
So, this is my first attempt at writing Emily. I know that Ali was a mega bitch, but Emily would not have seen her that way, so I tried to capture her as Emily viewed her. I do not own Pretty Little Liars or the song Why Don't You Kiss Her by Jesse McCartney.
~TLL~