Hello, everyone, and Merry Christmas! (If you celebrate Christmas.)
This is my contribution to the Supernatural fandom this holiday season. This is a twelve-part Christmas piece that will be posted over the twelve days of Christmas. I hope. The first few chapters don't really have the holiday spirit as much (more of the "oh my God my feels why would you do this?" spirit), but it gets more Christmas-y around chapter five. Enjoy!
Note: I changed the timing, so the events of "Hunteri Heroici" happened in mid-December. Deal with it.
Disclaimer: I don't own this. Though I was hoping for the rights to Supernatural as a Christmas present, they didn't come.
It's two weeks until Christmas and Dean's definitely not freaking out. No sir. No freaking out here.
Okay, maybe he's freaking just out a little.
See, he wants a nice Christmas this year. And he's got reason enough to have one. He, Sam, and Castiel are all together and in relatively good shape. No one's dead, crazy, or dying. All things considered, by Winchester standards, that's pretty good. Which, Dean's realizing, is kind of ridiculous; they should definitely have a higher standard for what's "pretty good." But that doesn't matter at the moment, because this Christmas is going to be one where everyone's in pretty good shape and Dean wants to actually celebrate it.
Which is going to be difficult.
First off, they need somewhere to celebrate Christmas. Normally, they'd go to Bobby's house, but considering it's burned to the ground, the closest thing to a "home base" they have would probably be Rufus's cabin. But that's a hell of a commute, since Dean and Sam are currently in the southeastern part of the country and Whitefish is practically in Canada. Dean's not sure where Castiel is; he hasn't seen him since Oklahoma City a few days ago. He's a little worried about it, what with Castiel's admission that seeing Heaven might make him commit suicide, but he's pretty sure that he'll know if Castiel does kill himself. He's not sure why, but he feels like something would feel different. He would know somehow that the world no longer had Castiel in it.
Damn, now that sounds ridiculously sappy. But it is true. Dean and Castiel have their "profound bond" or whatever, and it does create a connection between them. Dean would know, the same way a part of him knew Castiel had died when he left him with Chuck years ago, even though he hadn't been there. But anyway, that's beside the point. Dean and Castiel's relationship, whatever the hell sort of relationship it is, has no bearing on what they're doing for Christmas.
"Hey Dean, I think I found a case," Sam calls over. Dean gets up from where he's basically staring at the computer - he started out by actually using it, then he started thinking about Christmas and got distracted - and goes to Sam's side. There's a news article open about mysterious deaths in Lafayette, Louisiana and two obituaries. From the quick scan, it looks like it's probably the work of a ghost. "Probably just a simple salt and burn, but it's something," Sam adds. Dean nods.
"Should we get Cas?" he asks. Sam raises an eyebrow.
"For a ghost? I think we can handle this on our own, Dean."
Dean doesn't want to reveal the real reason he wants to call to Castiel: he wants to have the angel with him. Just to make sure he doesn't return to Heaven and kill himself, of course. But Dean doesn't think Sam will understand, so he makes something up.
"Yeah, but Cas wants to be a hunter, right? He should go on cases with us." It's a pretty shitty excuse - a salt and burn is pretty self-explanatory, and Castiel can probably just poof the ghost away with his angel mojo anyway - but Sam seems to buy it. If he has doubts, he doesn't mention them.
"Sure," he replies. "You pray to him or whatever, I'll check us out of the motel." Dean nods and starts putting his things away. Sam grabs the motel room keys and leaves to go return them. While still packing, Dean sighs and starts to pray.
"Hey Cas, we've got a salt-and-burn in Lafayette. Wanna join us?" There's no response. "Come on, it's not the most interesting thing in the world, but you'll have to do it if you're serious about this hunter thing." Castiel still doesn't appear. Dean waits for a moment, still half-expecting the deep greeting of "Hello, Dean." When it doesn't happen, Dean sighs. "Way to be a dick, Cas," he calls. There's still no answer, not that Dean's expecting one at this point. He shoves the last of his stuff in his duffel bag and leaves the room. He passes Sam on the way, who's going back to clean his things out, and continues on to the Impala. His duffel goes in the back and Dean climbs in the driver's seat. His mind drifts back to Christmas again. Castiel would probably appreciate it if he brought at least a little of the religious aspect into it, so maybe they could do a prayer or something. Dean guesses they'll have to celebrate in whatever motel they happen to be in that day, which isn't great, but it'll do. As for presents… Well, he doesn't know what the get for Sam, and how the hell do you pick out a gift for a Holy Tax Accountant like Castiel? Still, Dean's determined to make Christmas work. Somehow.
Sam slides into the passenger seat and Dean starts the car. They start driving. They're not far from Lafayette, but it's going to take at least an hour.
"So, why'd you really want to call Cas?" Sam asks. Dean looks over at his brother.
"What do you mean? If he's going to be a hunter, he'll have to get rid of ghosts. He's never really been on a boring normal hunt with us before."
"Bullshit," Sam replies. "That's not why you wanted him here. What is it? Are you in looooove?" Dean does not blush at the teasing, elongated word. He doesn't. Really.
Well, maybe he blushes a little.
"No," he replies. Sam raises an eyebrow. "I'm not, Sammy."
"Then why are you desperate to have Cas here?"
"Look, Sam, this really doesn't concern you," Dean replies. Sam grins.
"Since when has that ever stopped me?" he asks. Dean sighs. His brother has a point. That's never really stopped either of them, actually.
"Look, back in Oklahoma, when you left Cas and me in the motel…"
"You two finally realized your feelings for each other and engaged in passionate-"
"Damn it, Sammy, this has nothing to do with Cas and I being in love!" Sam raises both his eyebrows this time. "Not that we are or anything," Dean adds belatedly.
"Suuuuuure," Sam replies doubtfully. "Well, if that's not it, then what's bugging you?"
"When I was talking to Cas, I asked him to go back up to Heaven and he said that if he did, he might kill himself," Dean snaps. "That's what's bugging me. So forgive me for wanting him here so I can keep an eye on him."
Sam's eyes go wide. "He said he would kill himself?" he asks, his voice soft and horrified. Dean's grip on the wheel tightens. "But why?"
"When he was possessed by the Leviathans, he apparently screwed up Heaven even more than he screwed up Earth, if you can believe it. All the angels up there hate him and I'm pretty sure he hates himself more than all of them combined. So I'd like to have him here so I can watch him."
"Dean, I doubt Cas would appreciate being put on suicide watch," Sam replies, frowning slightly. Dean's grip gets even tighter. It's now so tight it hurts.
"If he didn't want to be put on suicide watch, then he shouldn't have told me he was going to kill himself," Dean forces out through gritted teeth. Sam doesn't mention it again and most of the rest of the ride is spent in silence.
They pull into a motel in Lafayette about an hour later. Dean's still in a bad mood, mostly due to the panic knotting in his stomach. Sam gets them a room while Dean pulls their bags out of the trunk. They drop off their stuff in the room, then they go their separate ways: Sam to research and Dean to look at the bodies.
Dean would never admit it, but he's still very, very worried.
Sam and Dean return to their motel after the salt and burn the next day - it was boring, but for something like this, boring is a good thing - to find a silent figure sitting on Dean's bed in the dark. Sam reaches for his gun, but Dean knows that silhouette.
"Cas?" he whispers. Sam looks at him, surprised. Dean flips the lights on. It is Castiel, sitting on the bed and looking at his hands. He doesn't answer Dean.
"You're a little late if you wanted to help with the ghost," Dean says. He still gets no response and he frowns. "Hey, you okay?" Castiel still doesn't answer and now Dean's more than a little panicked. "Cas, you're scaring me. Talk to me, buddy."
"Dean, I don't think he hears you," Sam whispers. Dean looks at his brother in confusion.
"What do you mean, he doesn't hear me?" he asks. "He's right there. And he looks conscious."
"He looks like he's in shock," Sam says softly. He goes over to Castiel's side slowly. Dean follows him. "But I didn't know that could happen to angels."
"In shock from an injury?" Dean asks, confused. There doesn't seem to be a visible sign of a wound on Castiel. Dean's dropped his voice to little more than a whisper as well; he's not sure why Sam's being so quiet, but he figures he might as well do the same.
"I don't know. I would guess it's emotional, actually, but I'm not sure," Sam replies. He goes next to Castiel and crouches down until he's at eye level. Dean does the same. Castiel's eyes are open, but they're flat. Normally, even when he's trying to mask his emotions, Castiel has at least some of his feelings in his eyes. But now there's nothing. And to be honest, that's scaring Dean more than he thinks anything has scared him in a long while.
"What do we do?" Dean whispers. Sam shrugs, straightening. Dean stays crouched down for a moment longer, looking at Castiel. The angel doesn't seem to recognize Dean's presence.
"I don't think we can do anything," Sam replies as Dean returns to an upright position. His stomach is churning with worry. He hasn't been this nervous about anyone in a long time. "I think the best thing to do would be to let him snap out of this on his own," Sam adds. Dean's itching to do something - anything - but he knows Sam probably knows best.
"Alright," he says softly. "We'll try it your way."
"He should wake up on his own," Sam says, obviously trying to be comforting. It doesn't work. There's still that hint of doubt and that just makes Dean all the more worried. But he doesn't say anything about it, because he's a Winchester and Winchesters don't talk about their emotions like that. If anything, they pretend they don't have feelings. God knows Dean's done that many a time. This will just be another occasion where Dean shoves his feelings aside and pretends he doesn't have them in the first place. He can do it.
After two hours, Dean can't take it any more. "Sam, he's still not snapping out of it," he hisses. Sam bites his lip and sneaks a look at Castiel, who's still in the exact same position that he was in when the brothers entered the motel.
"What do you want to do?" he asks. Dean sighs.
"I don't know. Get him to wake up, I guess."
"Alright," Sam replies. "I'll go pay for tonight at the motel and get something to eat. You can deal with Cas."
"Why are you leaving?" Dean asks as Sam picks up the keys to the Impala. His brother looks back at him.
"When you two start kissing, I don't want to be here," he answers. Dean's spluttering an answer as Sam leaves, a smirk on his face. Through all of this, Castiel hasn't stirred.
"Hey, Cas?" Dean asks tentatively. Castiel makes no sign of hearing him. "Cas, can you hear me?"
There's no response. Dean sits down next to Castiel with a sigh. One of his hands goes to the angel's knee, but Dean barely notices it. "All right. I guess I'm just talking to myself. Awesome." Castiel still doesn't stir. "Look, Cas, I get that something bad happened when you weren't with us. But whatever it was, you need to snap out of it now. You're scaring me, Cas." There's still no answer and Dean's more worried than before. An idea comes to him. It's maybe a little too close to what Sam expects of them for Dean's comfort level, but he'll do it anyway.
Dean takes his hand back, so it's no longer on Castiel's knee. The angel doesn't react. Dean shrugs out of his jacket and flannel button down, leaving him in just his t-shirt. He pushes his left sleeve up and takes one of Castiel's hands. The angel still does nothing. Tentatively, Dean takes Castiel's hand and places it on top of the raised handprint on his shoulder. A feeling akin to an electric shock goes through Dean's body. He's felt it before to a lesser extent, but he's never had skin-to-skin contact with Castiel directly on top of the angel's mark. It's an incredible feeling. Dean sees Castiel's eyes widen almost imperceptibly. The minute change in expression makes Dean's gut unclench a tiny bit.
"Cas, come on. Snap out of it. I need you here, one hundred percent. I'm your charge or whatever. You're supposed to be here with me."
Castiel's jaw tightens visibly. It's all Dean can do not to let out a sigh of relief. He takes Castiel's hand in both of his. "Come on, Cas. You can do this. Come back to me."
"Dean." The single word slips through Castiel's lips and it opens a floodgate. Suddenly, the angel's entire body is trembling. If Dean didn't know better, he would say Castiel was close to tears. But he's never seen the angel cry before. He's not even sure angels can cry. He's not sure what would be weirder, if angels could cry or if they couldn't.
"Yeah, Cas, it's me," Dean whispers. He squeezes Castiel's hand gently. "It's me. Come on. You'll be okay."
"Dean, there was a memorial," Castiel whispers. Dean's not sure what he's referring to. "For all the angels I killed."
Dean's blood runs cold. "You went back to Heaven?" he asks. No wonder Castiel's such a mess. Dean's just relieved he's still alive.
"There were so many destroyed," Castiel breathes. "Dean, I killed so many of my brothers and sisters."
"It's okay, Cas," Dean whispers. He's not sure what else he can say. "It wasn't you. It was the souls from Purgatory and the Leviathans controlling you."
"Was it?" Castiel asks softly. "I did not go on a random rampage, Dean. I only killed angels that had allied with Raphael. I showed enough presence of mind to only go for my enemies. I had enough control to pick my targets."
"That doesn't mean you were at the wheel," Dean replies. Even if he's wrong, he doesn't want to know it. Castiel laughs humorlessly.
"And what if I was?"
Dean doesn't have a good answer to that. He doesn't think there is a good answer to that. Castiel sighs. Dean wracks his brains for something he can say to make Castiel feel better.
"Look, Cas, we'll deal with this together. Just… Don't do something like that without telling me first, okay?" Dean slings an arm around Castiel's shoulders. It seems like the right thing to do. To his surprise, it causes Castiel to hiss in a quick breath and stiffen. "Cas, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," Castiel replies. His voice is strained. "I am uninjured."
"No one said anything about you being injured," Dean counters. Castiel looks back down at his hands.
"It is nothing, Dean," he reiterates. Dean rolls his eyes.
"Bullshit," he replies. Without giving Castiel any warning, Dean grabs the angel's trench coat and begins to pull it off. Castiel flinches in pain. "Cas, either you tell me what's wrong or I'll find it myself," Dean demands.
"It is nothing more than I deserve, Dean," Castiel whispers. Dean sighs and goes back to pulling off the trench coat, though he's more gentle about it. He pulls Castiel's button down out from where it's tucked into his pants and begins to undo the buttons. Castiel does nothing to help or hinder him.
When Dean pulls the shirt away, he can't help but gasp. Castiel's entire torso is one big, mottled bruise. Dean runs a feather-light touch down both of Castiel's sides and counts nine broken ribs. Going over each one causes Castiel to wince. "God, Cas, where the hell did all of this come from?" Deans asks. He wonders briefly if it was self-inflicted - an attempt at suicide, perhaps? - but he's not sure how Castiel could have done this to himself.
"There are many of those in Heaven who hold a grudge against me for what I did," Castiel replies. Dean's horrified. But this still doesn't explain why Castiel stiffened when Dean put an arm around his shoulders. As gently as humanly possible, Dean pulls off the suit jacket. When he goes to pull off the button down, he finds the back is stuck to Castiel with blood.
"Cas, what the hell happened?" Dean whispers. Castiel closes his eyes.
"I told you already. There are those who hate me for what I did." Dean's sickened by the explanation - this looks more like an attempt to kill Castiel than the bruising on his torso did - but he takes a deep breath and carefully peels the shirt away from Castiel's back. Castiel goes rigid and he bites down on his lip so hard it bleeds.
"I'm really sorry, Cas," Dean whispers as he finally manages to pull the shirt away. Castiel's back is covered in so much blood that Dean can't see the actual injury. He gets up and grabs a towel from the bathroom, wetting it in the sink. As gently as he possibly can, Dean begins to wipe the blood away slowly, attempting to hurt Castiel the least amount possible. When Dean finally gets enough blood away to see where it's coming from, he gasps in shock again.
Diagonally across Castiel's back, from his left shoulder blade to his right hip, is a long slash. Dean feels bile rise in his throat, but he pushes it down. "Okay," Dean whispers, half to himself. "Okay, so I need a shit load of bandages and... Oh God, Cas, that's a lot of blood."
"Dean?" Castiel whispers. Dean moves over so he's sitting next to Castiel again, rather than being more behind him.
"What is it, Cas?"
"Dean, I…" Then Castiel's eyes roll up in his head and he pitches forward. Dean barely manages to catch him before he hits the ground.
So. An update on Dean's Christmas situation. It's two weeks before Christmas and Dean's in a motel in Lafayette, Louisiana with an unconscious angel on his hands (literally), and he's no closer to figuring out what to do for the actual celebration. It looks like this might be one of the worst Winchester attempts at Christmas yet.
So, um, please don't hurt me. I know I hurt Cas (and I feel terrible about it), but this WILL have a happy ending. So Merry Christmas, please review (it would be a great Christmas present, hint hint) and I hope you come back tomorrow for the next installment!