Disclaimer: Not mine.
A/N: I so shouldn't be sitting here writing this, but I am, can't help it. Julie, I hope you are feeling better.
Pairing: N/S
Moonlight thoughts
He watches the cream white skin visible just above the dark comforter, almost looking illuminating in the moonlight filtering through the shades of their bedroom window. It's flawless.
She is not flawless although he likes to imagine she is, except when he is angry with her. Lately, he has been angry with her a lot and it is not fair and he knows that. But she doesn't and the look in her eyes his behavior causes makes him love her even more, makes him fall for her all over again, fast, deeply, deeper than one knows is possible.
It's crazy, it's been crazy, the emotional roller coaster he has been riding the past weeks. He has come to the realization everything that defines him is not here. Not here with her, but out there in Vegas, thousand miles away and he misses the place, the people, even Grissom, more than he thought possible. And he blames her, for everything and nothing. He blames her for ever meeting Grissom, for coming to Vegas, for changing his world from one that was black and white to one that is filled with color, for falling for him, for loving him, for driving him crazy, for making him fall for her. He blames her and he pushes her away.
He hates himself for doing that, because in all fairness everything she has done and is doing is for him. Sometimes he thinks that he is just one of her cases in which she got too involved. That ultimate final case she just couldn't seem to let go. The one that got her to give up everything, everything except him.
This train of thoughts makes him feel guilty, like it always does. It makes him feel guiltier than when he causes the tears slowly making their way from her eyes to the pillow. She thinks he doesn't know about this or maybe she likes to deny he does, because they seem to know everything the other is thinking and feeling and at one time he thought that was a good skill to have and now he isn't sure of that anymore.
He wishes he could all make it go away, that he could make today yesterday and yesterday the day before that until they reach the day that guilt, sadness and anger weren't floating around in their daily atmosphere.
He softly traces the innocent looking patch of skin on her back. Traces it and revels in the smoothness. He knows she has been awake and wonders how much of all of this is going through her mind as well. And suddenly he is scared. Scared she will have enough of him, that she will leave him in all his misery. His hand ventures upwards in between her shoulder blades, in the direction of her shoulder, until it arrives on her cheek where it brushes away a left over tear. Her eyes flutter open and immediately he is lost in the darkness of her eyes that define the mystery that she is. He looks at her as if he sees her for the very first time, as if he has no idea who she is and what she is doing in his bed and at the same time it feels so right, like she has been there forever, even if it has only been four months.
She takes away all his doubts and somehow it feels wrong, because she shouldn't need to do this, she shouldn't need to be this selfless, but she is. She takes his hand into her own and kisses each one of his fingertips.
He knows why they are here, he knows he is at least partly responsible, but he doesn't seem to be able to let go of the fact that she is responsible as well. He wants to tell her this, desperately wants to talk about the things that keep him up at night, the things that make him lash out at her, but all he seems capable of is open and close his mouth without words coming out of it. She reaches up and puts her finger on his lips, shaking her head, telling him she knows with that small gesture. It makes him wonder if he will ever see the bottom of the bottomless pit, because he is falling again, fast, deeply and deeper.
FIN