Title: The secret
Author: mah_akh
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Arthur/Gwen, a small scene with Merlin.
Spoilers: Until 2.02.
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to BBC; if it was mine there'd be more angst and love between Gwen and Arthur. In fact, I would just call the show "Arthur and Gwen".
Summary: Sometimes, Arthur hates their secrecy. Sometimes, he loves it.
Author's notes
About me:So English is not my first language, which just makes me even more nervous about this. I've read it countless times and I think there's no grammatical mistake, but feel free to correct me. Constructive criticism is always welcome :)
About the fic: Inspired by the whole "we can't be together" scene in the end of 2.02. And because I enjoy the idea of Arthur and Gwen having to hide their feelings (or they UST, should I say).
***
Sometimes, he hates their secrecy.
He stares at the night sky, his mind far away from the deserted ballroom he is now standing in. Arthur thinks there's something beautiful in the way the stars seem to be shining directly over Camelot, as if protecting the kingdom that, one day, will be his.
The door opens quietly behind him and he turns. He doesn't need to see her face illuminated by the candle she holds to know is Guinevere – she smells like a flower he knows only grow in Camelot. Sometimes, he thinks she smells like home.
Sometimes, he wonders if she also feels like home.
She is taking to herself, her face troubled. He waits, patiently, until her eyes meet his and she stops. By the light of the fire candle, he sees she's blushing.
A warm feeling runs through his body and he doesn't need to wonder why the ladies he had danced with earlier weren't able to make him even smile; the only thing he would feel when he was with them was sadness: because Prince Arthur could dance with empty and faceless ladies, but not with the only woman he would want to.
"I didn't know you were here, Sire", Gwen says, bringing him to reality. There's a whole new trouble on her eyes.
"As I didn't know you were still awake", he reminds her, smiling when her face brightens a bit.
"I was just – I mean – Lady Morgana –"
"Wait, Morgana is making you stay up so late?", he asks, shocked and outraged.
"No, no", she shakes her head, and he's distracted by the ay her dark curls dance around her. "Of course not, she doesn't even know I'm here, she thinks I'm at home".
"Which you should be", he adds, sounding stern.
"She lost an earring today", Gwen explains, turning around to light the torches in the ballroom. "It was her mother's, and she was very upset tonight, so I thought I could try finding for her. This room is the only place left to look for", she finishes.
"That's very nice of you", he says, making her smile before she turns her attention to the stone floor. "I think it should be by the table", Arthur suggests, crossing the room. "I don't remember Morgana dancing tonight".
"She doesn't like to", he hears her vague answer as he spots something reflecting the fire in the floor.
"I don't like either", Arthur admits, curving himself to take the golden jewel. Beaming, he turns around, but his smiles dies on his lips; Gwen has a strange look on her face.
"You danced a lot for someone who doesn't like it", she says and when their eyes meet, her look now turns into surprise. "Sire", she adds, sounding guilty, as if she had just remembered her position.
Still, he's glad she's not taking her words back.
"I found the earring", Arthur says quietly and her eyes grow wide. She stands still, torn between confusion and shock, and he walks to her, giving her Morgana's jewel.
"Thank you", she says slowly, trying to decipher his eyes. After a moment, however, she just blushes again and starts to turn away. He takes a step closer to her, grabbing her arm gently.
"Are you jealous?", he asks, through there's more amazement in his voice than doubt. She shakes her hear, deliberately avoiding meeting his eyes.
"That would be ridiculous, Si-"
"Call me Arthur" he interrupts her. "There's no need for formality here and now, Guinevere".
"Perhaps then you should call me 'Gwen'", she replies, her eyes glinting.
"You know I won't", he answers, smiling. "But you are avoiding my question, Guinevere".
She bits her lips, frowning.
"I wasn't jealous, Si – Arthur", she says with dignity. "That would be silly of me, it's not my place to – "
He stops her, shaking his head absently.
"Yes", he agrees, not looking at her. "That'd be foolish of you".
That was the last thing she was expecting, and she doesn't know what to think, but his words sound unmistakable to her. It feels as if something has broken inside her.
She thinks it was her heart.
"You are right", she hears herself saying, unable to stop or to care. All she knows she is hurt – but never disappointed, because she had told herself, ever since the beginning, that she shouldn't expect anything. "A simple servant should not feel anything upon seeing the Crown Prince dancing with other ladies, who are obviously worthier of his time".
"Guinevere", he calls her, sounding amused. He takes her hand, saying very slow and very clear. "I wouldn't know about simple servants, but you should not feel threatened by those women. I hated talking to them; I hated every moment of the dance because all I could think was how much I wished I was dancing with you".
Time stops. Suddenly, it's like she's floating in the air and every bad feeling is forgotten. All she can feel is a delightful happiness and the touch of his lips on hers; as her heart beats fast in her chest, almost in a painful way, she thinks that it's their second kiss. Kissing him feels as good as she remembers, and Gwen is left wondering why they don't kiss often, why they can't ever touch each other.
The answer hurts more than anything else.
"We can't", she whispers, pain in each word. But she won't cry, because Guinevere has promised herself, ever since their first moment together, that he would never see her crying because of him.
"That's so unfair", he complains, his eyes still closed.
"Maybe someday", she tries, making Arthur smiles dreamily.
"Someday", he agrees, and she knows he is seeing a future she doesn't dare herself to expect for. "On that day, we will be able to be together whenever we want", he promises. "It's not always going to be in the darkness, far from everyone".
"But for now, it's just a secret", she remembers sadly. His smile doesn't fade away and she admires him for his ability to not stop believing.
"At least, it's our secret", Arthur laughs softly. Her lips twitch, almost against her will. She tries to turn away, but his hand still holds hers. "Dance with me", he pleads.
She is surprised.
"I wouldn't know how to, Arthur", she says, feeling suddenly ashamed of herself. He shakes his head.
"Good, because I hate making those boring steps. A dance should be about partnership and music, not repeated movements". He places her free arm on his shoulder, and his other hand holds her by the waist. "It should be something like this". He takes a step closer to her. "So –", Arthur begins, studying her. There's a look of bewilderment on her eyes, as if she's not certain about what's happening. "Shall we dance?"
She is half-smiling now.
"There's no music", she points out.
"Small details, Guinevere", Arthur replies in a false severe voice. "Just close your eyes". He makes a pause. "Please".
She does as he says. It's as if they're alone in the world when he starts moving. It's easy to follow every step he makes, and Arthur guides her as they dance through the room; she thinks his idea of a dance it's a very good one – there are no complex steps, no theater, just two people moving in synchrony, as if reading each other's mind. Finally, his pace slows down, and they dance in small circles. It feels nice and she lays her head on his shoulder.
It feels right.
"Can you see it?", Arthur asks her in a quiet voice. "All the people around us?"
Gwen doesn't open her eyes.
"I don't think I can, Arthur".
"Well, I can", he admits, joy and sadness mixed in his tone. "They're not judging us or trying to break us apart. They're just saying how happy we look together. Merlin is applauding. Morgana is beaming. Even my father seems pleased. He's glad I found someone I –", Arthur swallows. "Someone I love".
Her heart speeds up and suddenly she can see everything he'd been talking about. It's the first time she allows herself to imagine it, and it's even more beautiful than she was expecting.
It's the face of a future she can only hope for.
"I wish –", he begins, but footsteps sound just outside of the door, and, as if it's a signal, they break apart, their eyes opening at the same time.
"I know", Gwen whispers. Someone knocks and she smiles sadly, her dreams already shattered.
"Come in", Arthur says, sighing.
A guard enters the ballroom.
"Sorry, Sire", he says, looking from Guinevere to Arthur, his face frowned. "I just saw the light here".
"Guinevere was looking for her mistress's jewel", Arthur says, his voice more light than he feels. "She was just about to leave, please escort her to her house".
"There's no need, Ar – Sire, really", she tries, but he shakes his head, a tiny smile on his lips: he was already expecting her complain.
"I would – Morgana would not want to know something happened to you", he says firmly. "Morgana would feel better if you let this man protect you when she cannot".
She fights a smile when she inclines her head, obeying his wish. She follows the patrol, and, in the door, she turns.
"Please, thank Morgana for me, Sire", she asks, her eyes telling him everything she knows she can't say out loud. "And tell her… That I wish it too".
"I will", he promises, and their eyes lock for more second than an ordinary servant and an ordinary prince would do.
He wants to wish her good dreams, he wants to kiss her one more time, he wants to be the one escorting her to her home. But he knows he can't, he knows that, for now, it must stay a secret. Their secret.
Then she's gone, and all Arthur has of Guinevere it's a memory and a promise.
***
Sometimes, he hates their secrecy.
He hates that he can't kiss her when they meet at the castle, or even say anything more than "Good morning, Guinevere" – when he says it, her eyes shines but all they can do is smile to each other for a second, supporting themselves in the secret feeling only few people know about. He hates needing to say countless of times to Uther that, no, the lady, daughter of someone very important, wasn't good enough to be Queen of Camelot and that, sadly, he hasn't met the right woman yet, even though Guinevere is standing just a few steps away. He hates that he dreams of her every night, but just as everything else, his dreams must stay a secret, even when Merlin asks why Arthur is waking up with a smile on his face. He hates that their third and forth kiss also end with "We can't, someone will see us".
***
He takes her small hand between his as they run together through the darks streets of Camelot. There isn't a single trace of tiredness on Arthur' face as he leads the way, even though he had ride on a horseback for the last seven hours.
They both know where they're heading to. For a moment, Gwen is proud of him, proud of his victories, and thoughts of happiness, lucky and forbidden love come into her mind as she sighs deeply. He stops briefly and turns his head; she doesn't need more light than the Moon's to see his bright smile and the way his eyes are shining. Not for the first time that night, she wishes that hunt – as Arthur would call it – was already over; she knows exactly what will happen at the end, and suddenly breathing seems so hard-
"Ops".
She doesn't see the box in the ground and suddenly she's falling; Arthur catches her easily, and the only thing that distracts her from the feeling of being in his arms is the voices echoing in the deserted street, a few steps behind them.
Arthur frowns. "They're getting faster", he complains, though he also seems amused by this. She laughs loudly and he pushes her into a darker corner of the street, pressing her against a wood building she is certain she knows. He puts a finger on her lips making her eyes glint.
"Really, Gwen, you don't want to be caught, do you? We're so close now."
She grins wider as flaming torches flash in the beginning of the street they've just left. He takes a protective step closer to her, their bodies now pressed together on the darkness. She kisses his fingers and he looks at her, warningly.
"Did you find any trace of him?", they hear Merlin asking, his voice distant.
"No, but he can't be very far", Sir Leon replies, sounding half-amused, half- exasperated.
"I'd thought Arthur would be mature by now", Merlin complains, coming nearer. He is just two houses away.
Arthur turns his head, seeming worried by the closer light; his thoughts of getting caught, however, are suddenly forgotten, as he feels Gwen's lips on his jaw, making him shiver.
"Guinevere", he warns, but there is no real danger on his voice. She ignores him as her hand now runs in his hair. He bits his lips, trying very hard not to make any sound. He wonders how the guards looking for him can't hear his heavy breath.
"I think he went to the forests", he hears Merlin saying and relief invades Arthur. He keeps his eyes closed until the footsteps and the firelight are gone; the only light now comes from the sky, and the only sound in the darkness is his and Gwen's heart beating together.
He takes a deep breath when he opens his eyes; she's smiling sweetly.
"You know, we aren't supposed to get caught, Guinevere", he says in a false stern voice, as if he was reprimanding her.
"I was just curious, Sire", she replies, freeing herself of his arms, pushing him by his hand. Her smile grows mischievous as she opens the door of her old house. Everything there seems exactly like the last time she saw – which was five days ago. "What would you say should your knights found us?"
He laughs and takes her again in his arms, laying her down on her old bed.
"I would say I had an important business to attend", Arthur answers truthfully as he takes her hair out of her face. "I'd told them I needed a private moment with the Queen after being away from her for long and excruciating five days".
He kisses the top of her head and Gwen giggles.
"One would say that's why we have our chambers, my King".
He kisses the tip of her nose now.
"I'd say this way is better".
And he presses his lips on hers; it feels like home.
***
Sometimes, Arthur loves their secrecy.
He loves when he pushes her behind a curtain and kisses her deeply until Merlin coughs and he knows it's time to come back to the party, because their guests are wondering where the King of Camelot has gone. He loves when he's in a very boring meeting and she smiles for him in a mysterious way, making him think of promises of a long and romantic night, which only make the boring meeting seem longer. He loves when they run away to her old house, and the guards come searching for their King, not knowing he is very safe in the company of their Queen. He loves the next morning, when the knights come to ask him where he was – his answer it's always the same: that's a secret.