A/N: I haven't done a RENT fan fiction in a little while! Please, please review! I really don't care if you say this is horrible, just please review! Thank you! If this is a little confusing it is because Mimi's is kind of dealing with a lot of stress and I don't think her thoughts would be quite coherent and I think she would be going through some internal conflict! Story idea: Mimi's thoughts after Roger dies. Warning it kind of just jumps into it. Disclaimer: You all know I do not own Rent!
This wasn't supposed to happen. Plain and simple. Roger couldn't be dead! He just couldn't. I loved him, he wasn't supposed to die! Tears are pouring down my face but I don't make any move to get rid of them. Why did Roger die? Honestly, was it not enough to have my best friend to die? Did the love of my life have to die too? Apparently so. This is some pretty shitty karma. I don't deserve this!
I am suddenly hit with the worst craving for the smack. I just want it. I need it. I need it to take this pain away. I can't do this! I feel so alone. Sure, I'm friends with Mark, Collins, Joanne, and Maureen but they're not Angel or Roger. I need Roger and Angel or I need the smack.
I touch the new gravestone and feel a wave of anger. That's all anyone else will know about him, what it says on the gravestone. No one else but us will know who he really was! Roger was more than just a song, he was so much more. But would anyone else know that? No, what they saw on the gravestone would be all they would ever know about my Roger.
The ugly gray, common gravestone says "Roger Eric Davies 1972-1999, A lover, friend, son and musician. He may be gone but will never be forgotten" Ha, gone but not forgotten, the standard words. Honestly, if he was the name on the gravestone he was gone, I mean No Shit! I rest my head against the gravestone by now the tears I shed made a stains. The gravestone is freezing but I can't move my head and I can't stop crying.
Everyone else has already left, even Mark. Mark had put his flower on the gravestone and a hand on my shoulder. He kissed me on the cheek and then told me I knew where to find him. Mark had left a single white rose on the gravestone, a last symbol of friendship. I hadn't put my red rose down yet. It would mean finally saying good bye. I wasn't ready to give him up yet.
I run my hands down the blunt edges of the stone and wonder how this could happen. They say that there are four stages after someone you love dies. They are, denial, anger, sorrow and then finally acceptance. I disagree with this. The emotions you feel don't go in order! I feel angry and sad and in denial all at once.
Still wailing like a grief stricken child I hug the depressing stone. I know I look horrible but I don't care. My hair is tangled and messy, my eyes somewhat bloodshot and I look sleep deprived. You wouldn't sleep well either though if the person that used to sleep next you was gone. I am past denial now, I know that Roger isn't coming back and that I am a boyfriendless girl. I don't remember a time without Roger, before I went to his loft with the candle. I don't want to go back to being called a whore with no one to say that it's not true
It is starting to rain now. It isn't pouring yet but if it did I still wouldn't leave. I am not done yet. Roger left me at first but I won't leave him. I don't think I could leave him even if I wanted to. I pressed my chapped lips to the stone. "I love you Roger" I whisper the words but I mean them.
It is kind of funny in a twisted way. I am 21 now just legally old enough to drink! But I have lived through more than most 60 year olds! I had loved and lost more than once. I am practically a widow at 21! How could this happen? Because this was not part of my plan! Roger was not supposed to die under any circumstances. It sounds silly but it is so true. I had never been able to picture life without Roger, I didn't want to. Roger wasn't supposed to die. I was supposed to die before him! I was weaker than him, I was supposed to die before he did. This wasn't supposed to happen. I wish I had died before him. He could have dealt with the pain! He is stronger than me!
Selfish. I am so selfish! The love of my life just died and I am thinking about how I wish that I died instead so I didn't have to deal with the pain. I can't believe this! How could I be so selfish? How could Roger die? How am I going to get through it? "I'm sorry. I am so sorry Roger!" I get the words out between my sobs and I mean them. I am sorry. I'm sorry that Roger died, that I wasn't strong enough to stay away from the smack and that he always worried about me. He should have worried about himself instead. He's the one that needed to be taken care of. He's the one that's dead.
I don't know how I can still possibly be crying, but I am. I started to cough, my body rocked forward each time I did. Before Roger would have wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek. But Roger isn't here anymore.
What feels like only minutes later but is an hour in reality I sit up and wipe the tears from my face. "I will always love you Roger." Those are the last words I say. I place my single red rose on the gravestone, it stands out from the other four white ones. I stand up and walk away keeping my memories close to my heart.
This wasn't supposed to happen. But it did.
Just came to say good bye love, good bye.
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