Disclaimer: I do NOT own anything to doo with Red Dwarf... or anything else in this fan fiction, and also;
Warning:
If you are religious, a fan of any the shows/sketches that happen to be involved in this weird thing, a monkey who likes his bananas or are generally a sane peson you are likely to be offfended.
Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition
Rimmer was sat in his quarters, playing chess with Bob the skutter, unfortunately he wasn't much better at chess than he was checkers so his white king was basically surrounded by every black piece on the board. He was looking at his hologramatic watch and grinning at the swearing skutter as he smugly said;
"Just 2 minutes 37 to go matey!"
Lister walked in smiling and sat down on Rimmer's bunk.
"What are you smiling at you disgusting example of human reproduction?" Rimmer greeted in his normal nostril flaring manner.
"Nothing." The younger man replied, still smiling.
"Well it is obviously NOT 'Nothing' otherwise you wouldn't have come waltzing in here like the monkey who got the banana!" Rimmer retorted, looking at his watch as he silently counted down from 2 minutes.
"I don't look like I got the banana!... I prefer oranges anyway." Lister replied sullenly, a hint of a smile still visible on his face.
"Lister are you going to tell me what's up are you just going to make me get one of the skutters fetch a welding mallet?" Rimmer threatened, ignoring the Bob as he made another "V" sign with his claw.
"Oh right Rimmer I'm REALLY scared – If you must know ZK made me smile!" Lister sighed as his face finally became serious.
"Who's ZK?"
"Dunno."
"How'd they make you smile then?"
"Dunno – Look what IS this? – The Spanish Inquisition?" Lister cried, as soon as those words had left his lips, weird crashing and shouting noises came from the lockers and out burst 3 men in red robes.
"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" The one with the giant hat shouted as he and his companions – one wearing a kind of holy skull cap and the other wearing goggles on his forehead, straightened their robes and crowded round Lister and Rimmer.
"Who the SMEG are you?" Lister yelled as he fell off the bunk in shock, with Rimmer falling through the table due to his hologrammatic status as he jumped for cover.
"We are the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise!... Surprise and fear!... Our TWO weapons are surprise and fear!... and ruthless efficiency… Our THREE weapons are surprise, fear and ruthless efficiency… and a fanatical devotion to the Pope!... Our FOUR weapons… AMONGST our weapons… Hang on we'll come in again!" The 3 men then proceeded to climb back into the cupboard…
"Hang on it won't work – we'll just go out the door and come in from the corridor!"
Lister and Rimmer stared at each gob smacked as the 3 men acted out their last statement.
"HOLLY!" Rimmer yelled at the top of his none existent lungs.
"What's up dudes?"
"Holly here my voice –"
"In that case could you be a bit clearer? It's hard to make out what you're saying through the quivering!"
"…Shut up… What. Is. Happening?"
"…So I can talk now?"
"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
"Ey up guys – How's it hanging in Groove Town?" Holly replied as the robed men of the cleric burst in again after standing outside awkwardly waiting for their cue that didn't actually come.
"All right actually, you see we got to torture a few Mormons last week – very satisfying!" The man with the goggles replied before the leader with the funny hat nudged him.
"Biggles – Say our intro!" The leader said to 'goggles' who was now OBVIOUSLY called Biggles.
"But I can't remember it Ximinez!"
"Ah… Fang – Read the charges!"
"You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the – "
"Yes THANK YOU! That's quite enough Fang – Cardinals, fetch the rack!"
"Monty Python – Groove City." Holly said as the men began searching the room for a rack.
"Who would call a snake Monty?" Rimmer asked, still cowering under the table.
"It's a sketch show from the 20th century." Holly replied rolling his eyes, the cardinals still searching for a rack.
"Well what the smeg are they doing here Hol?"
"Dunno Dave – Blame ZK, that usually works."
"Who's ZK you demented sat nav system?" Rimmer hissed before whimpering as cardinal Fang bent in close and pulled faces at him.
"She's writing this sketch… Bozo" Muttered the toaster before sprouting wheels and rolling off to the kitchens to stock up on bread.
"Oh great, we're being given the daily news by a toaster!"
"TALKING Toaster!" Talkie shouted from down the corridor
"Say you guys wouldn't know where we could get a rack? To torture you for you're crimes against God and all?" Ximinez asked, lifting off his hat to scratch his head.
"Found a rack!" Biggles cried, coming back from the sink with a dish drying rack.
Ximinez sighed and grit his teeth. "Tie the ugly one to the… rack."
"Ugly one! I'm God ya know! How can I commit crimes against myself?" Lister asked in slight shock.
"You… God? IMPOSSIBLE!" Cried the three cardinals in disbelief and disgust.
"Well I'm A God."
"But
there is only one God – blasphemer! Biggles this man needs much
more despicable torturing!"
"Shall I fetch the soft cushions
and the comfy chair my lord?" Biggles said as Fang and Holly began
a face pulling match.
Ximinez shook his head and took a moment to calm his inner anger. "Is that all we've got?"
"Not exactly my lord – I can only find soft pillows and a comfy bunk bed."
Lister and Rimmer raised their eyebrows at each other, which was quite a feat for Listy as he had begun getting poked with the pillows by Biggles.
"Smeg off." Lister protested as he moved towards the door.
"It seems the blasphemer is resilient my lord! Should I start boiling the kettle for his complementary cup of tea during his confinement to the comfy…bed?"
"Gah!" Ximinez replied his face turning an angry red – It was beginning to match his robes.
"Cardinal – Look what I found!" Fang cried, his face pulling contest a draw, Fang had somehow located a poker.
"Poker?" Came an elderly voice from the locker. "My name is Minnie Bannister the famous poker player!" The female voice declared jumping out of the locker to reveal – A man holding an old fashioned BBC microphone. "Give me a good poker and I'll play any tune you like!"
"These people are deranged, seriously deranged!... It's enough to make one feel… normal." Rimmer replied from under the table.
"You're right for once Rimmer – Quick let's get to the drive room to talk this out with ZK – Before he turns me into a kebab!" Lister said pointing at Fang as he lunged at Lister with the poker.
"Let's talk more about the kebab thing… How do you know ZK is there?"
"I dunno, I think he just wrote that into my speech – I have a feeling this is going to be one of the many plot inconsistencies in this thing.
"Right… So just which century were you born in again?"
"Errr… Just hurry up Rimmer!"
The 3 cardinals stood absolutely still and silent for a moment, Minnie got bored with the waiting so to climb back into the locker to see where she left Henry Crun and his anti vapour rub, she eventually found him getting the mustard bath ready between the learning drugs and condoms containing name tapes.
Meanwhile back with the cardinals:
"You know what this means?" Ximinez asked his companions.
"That I don't need to make the cup of tea anymore?"
"No. (Imbeciles) It means that we have to get to the Drive Room before this "show" ends!"
"How long is it going to last?" Biggles asked as he began a fencing match with Fang using a kettle and a poker.
"Not sure, should be 30 minutes but hard to tell with this fic. – We must make it there by the time the last bars of the theme tune is up – Come cardinals!" On that jarring chord the 3 men rushed out of the room, well two men did, Fang however stayed in the doorway and a small yelp could be heard.
"What now Fang?"
"Not me my lord – I accidentally hit the man who closes the door to make it look automatic with the poker."
Ximinez turned and peered at the unconscious man. "He looks a sinner – Well done Fang – And onto the Drive Room!"
Lister and Rimmer wandered down the corridors, so far they had passed several strange scenes – A man who was yelling at another man about a dead parrot, and smashing the bird on the table as proof. A man asking for opinions from a cat, a duck, and a lizard on the effectiveness of legal weapons being used by legal customs officers. An old woman in a waitress outfit had come lumbering towards them spilling soup from two bowls. Two men discussing four candles and fork handles who Holly had popped up randomly on a screen to call Ronnie Corbett and Ronnie Barker, to which Rimmer replied;
"Sounds more like he's barking to me."
"Hey monkeys!" Cat shouted as he walked towards them.
"What the smeg is going on? There's two women in my room trying on all my clothes, they say they are Patsy and Edwina and I don't like them one bit."
"Two women, in your room admiring your clothes and you don't like it?" Lister asked incredulously.
"I know how unbelievable that sounds but these women look like they should be dead! I can't think how traumatic it must be for my clothes! The Edwina one won't give me back my white and black zebra coat – We've declared war!" Cat explained his voice angry with remembrance.
"What are you doing here then?"
"Just came to find a machete."
"Well sorry upset your little self centred world, but we have a much more worrying thing to deal with!" Rimmer huffed, striding off down the corridor.
"Like anything is more important than me!"
"Cat come on, We might need backup, some smeghead called ZK is writing this thing and like you know, all these weird people keep popping up!" As Lister spoke these words a weird squeaking noise could be heard behind them, Cat and Lister sprung round to see a small fat man being pushed in a wheelchair by another man.
"Hello, my names Lou, this is Andy, we are delighted to meet you and you show is awesome! Isn't that right Andy?"
"Yeah."
"Now which souvenir from meeting them would you like?"
"That one." Andy said pointing blankly at one of Cat's fish earrings.
"Now are you sure? Because you can't change you mind."
"That. One."
"Ok, Can Andy please have your earring?"
"Only because it's a pair I really hate!" Cat said unhooking one earring and handing it to Lou.
"Aren't you going to give him both?" Lou asked as Lister shook his head in disbelief at the day's events and continued on to the drive room.
"Just because I hate them doesn't mean he can have both! Just LOOK at his clothes – It's a disgrace!" Cat said indignantly as he turned on his heel and followed Lister.
"There." Lou said, giving the earring to Andy.
"…I don't like it."
Meanwhile in a corridor far, far away…
"We're lost!" Ximinez stated in an agitated voice.
"We're not lost my lord, we just… don't know the way." Biggles replied, looking at his feet.
"But you have the map!" Ximinez cried though gritted teeth, his fists clenched.
"Yeah but…" Biggles looked at the map for a moment. "…I know what went wrong – This is a map of the ship's ducts!"
"So we have to climb into the ducts, find our way using your map 'skills' and arrive at the drive room before the credits finish?" Fang asked knowledgably.
"Fang, sounding smart doesn't suit you – go back to pulling faces." Ximinez sighed as he climbed onto a table and lifted off the panel to climb into the vents and ducts of Red Dwarf.
Back together again our 3 mismatched Dwarfers continued their journey to the drive room…
"What's that?" Cat asked suddenly, looking round.
"What?" The other two men asked.
"That music."
"I can't hear anything you idiotic cat."
"It's coming from the kitchens." Cat said walking a bit further down the corridor and turning left.
"If this is just a ploy for fish you're dead." Rimmer warned as he and Lister followed.
Hey I can hear it too." Lister said after a minute.
"Ok maybe there IS music, doesn't mean he's still not after the fish."
"Rimmer. Shut up."
The 3 men eventually reached the kitchen and the 'automatic' door opened. (Technically it wasn't the usual door opener, it was Dy the assistant as a stand in as the guy paid to be door opener was in a coma from the poker incident)
They found two more men, one wearing glasses, both dancing round the kitchen to the stripper theme whilst making breakfast. Talkie was in his element as he popped out a few rounds of toast which were caught expertly by the smaller one. Lister, Rimmer and Cat stared in a mesmerised state as the two men continued their routine completely ignoring them, however at the sausages coming out of the fried moment the Dwarfers all broke out of their trance and looked towards the door as someone outside called;
"Dave, Are you there Dave?" The 'Automatic' door opened and a man in ghastly makeup entered, a gypsy like woman following.
"Is Dave there?" The man rasped menacingly.
"Looks like you're numbers up Listy." Rimmer whispered smugly.
"I'm Dave."
"Hello Dave…" The man said, smiling evilly at Lister before trailing into silence.
"Well?" Lister asked after the freak after a moment.
The "freak" responded in a strong posh English accent. "I'm Papa Lazarou. By Jove old chum I don't really know, never actually met someone called Dave, never in my script you see, my gosh, this is a bit of an old cock up… I think I want to sell you pegs…"
"We don't need any pegs…" Lister said as the dancing men reached their dancing climax in the background.
" Oh… You haven't got any wives you can give me?" He asked, snorting at the end of his sentence.
"No but you can have these two 'women' that are in my wardrobe, that's if you don't mind a lot of silicone ." Cat spat at the thought of those… things in his precious clothes.
"Cheers for that mate, come on mama Lazarou lets go greet the new wives."
"Djsodos ahamei ti la meatu." The woman covered with a shawl replied hesitantly.
The two walked out of the room, with Papa turning at the last second. "This is just a saga now!" He cackled in his scary voice again.
"What the smeg was that all about?" Lister asked, as he Rimmer and Cat left the kitchens and the men who had now sat down at a table to eat their toast, pancakes, grapefruits, fry ups and other breakfast treats.
"Maybe they drank some of that Marijuana gin and fell asleep in your sock basket?" Rimmer suggested, the latter part of the statement causing all three men to pause and shudder with fright.
Meanwhile, in the ventilation system;
"My lords?"
"What is it Fang?" Ximinez asked, his voice oozing annoyance.
"Are these robes colour fast in washes colder than 40 degrees?"
"Why?" Though Ximinez's answer came not from Fang, but from the tidal wave that swept the 3 cardinals down the passageway.
"Think we should get the Xpress lift?" Rimmer asked as they neared one.
"I smegging hate those." Lister replied with feeling.
"Me too – It's a sad day for culinary artists when they find packaging better than the meals they contain!" Cat added.
"Is it me or did he just say something with long, smart sounding words?" Lister asked in surprise.
"Blame it on that ZK."
"Is this some crappy film spoof remake of 'Blame It On The Boogie'?" Rimmer asked, his face screwed up as he attempted deep, answer SOLVING thought… and failed.
"That's stupid – How can you blame stuff on something out of a guy's nose?"
At that moment the lift pinged open and a man in drag stood in front of them.
"Good morning jobseekers! My name is Pauline, and you've all been on the dole too long!" He/she said sourly. Lister, Cat and Rimmer responded by screaming and running off down the corridor.
They ran into a room that was conveniently already open, (Dy needed a break) They found themselves in the middle of another sketch between a tall man, and a man with one leg behind his back.
"So what's wrong with my leg?" Asked the hopping man.
"Nothing, it's a lovely leg, I've got nothing against your leg… Problem is – Neither have you!"
Our trio backed out slowly into the corridor and into the room opposite (Also conveniently open already – Dy needed a long break, its not in his contract and he's only little. Also the guy who's paid to do it is still in a coma!)
"Ah waiter!" Came an Indian accent, the 3 turned round to see a table of Indian people.
"What is the blandest thing on the menu? We just can't take English food! Goes straight though us, just like when you eat curries."
"This should be right up your street Listy." Rimmer muttered in Lister's ear.
"And we'll have 6…12… make that 24 bread rolls." At that moment an old woman burst in.
"Bread rolls? English food? What you want to eat out for when I can make it at home?" The woman demanded crossly.
"Oh Ummi we told you to stay at home – You're not in this sketch!"
"Don't you 'Oh Ummi' me! I can make this stuff at home, all I need is flour, yeast, 'bland' seasoning and a small aubergine."
Rimmer, Lister and Cat raised their eyebrows and went back into the corridor to finish the last leg of their journey to the drive room.
Meanwhile, in a wet, pink heap somewhere in the ventilation shafts;
"Does this answer you question Fang?" Ximinez hissed as he pointed to his pinky robes, though Fang only replied with giggling.
"What's so funny? We are an embarrassment to the church – We look like homosexuals!"
"Are we allowed to admit that now?" Biggles asked as he studied the soggy map.
"NO!... What IS funny Fang?"
"Your beard's gone pink."
"Oh ha. Ha. Ha." Ximinez Spat, looking almost about to hit Fang, though another sound distracted him.
"What's that?"
"What is it my lord?" Biggles asked Ximinez, however like when Ximinez asked Fang, Biggle's reply came visually as the 3 men were swept down the corridor and into a metal wall by the vent dryer.
Finally Lister, Rimmer and Cat had made it to the drive room to find a 15 year old girl typing at a messy desk, a black and white cat on a bed behind her taking up most of the duvet. Holly was on a nearby screen.
"Hey dudes, what took you so long?"
"You really wanna know Hol?"
"Not really, just felt a bit lonely and wanted the company."
"Who the smeg are you and what have you been doing?" Rimmer demanded, pretending to be braver than we all know he is.
"Writing this." ZK replied.
"Why?"
"I was bored and had been watching '50 Greatest Comedy Sketches' on E4 the other night." She explained, typing quickly.
"Now what?" Cat asked after a moment.
"Well now I have basically wrecked all the shows and sketches in this, including 'Red Dwarf', (Silently thanks the wondrous craters Grant & Naylor for making the show and casting Danny as The Cat) I think the credits are in order don't you?" ZK asked rhetorically to which Lister, Rimmer and Cat answered anyway with eager nods – Especially Cat who wanted to get back to wash his suits to get rid of the peeling skin, silicone, and alcohol stains the ghastly women will have left.
ZK types in this sentence here, yes THIS one! To get the screen to go to a shot of space with the credits rolling and the Red Dwarf theme song. Sung superbly by Jenna Russell;
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere,
I'm all alone, more or less,
Let me fly far away from here,
Fun, fun, fun. In the sun, sun, sun.
(Jarring chord between first and second verse, song continues as screen cuts to the Cardinals climbing out of a vent)
I'd like to lay shipwrecked and comatose,
Biggles: We made it!
Drinking fresh mango juice,
Ximinez: Sure?
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes,
Biggles: Yep, through that door is the drive room!
Fun, fun, fun. In the sun, sun, sun,
Fang: Can we go in?
Fun, fun, fun. In the sun, sun, sun.
Ximinez: INDEED! (3 burst in to find themselves backing quarters where they started)
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
Ximinez: Oh (cuts to Red Dwarf/Grant Naylor productions logo as final beat is struck and it echoes out) bugger!
The End
(Thank Smeg)
Or IS it?...
Yes. Yes it is.