Whenever I write Balder two things always happen: a) he develops an unhealthy obsession with Loki, and b) he never truly understands Loki. So, this happened while I was attempting to write Balder for another story, and ended up being one of those things I had to write before I could move on to anything else.
All characters belong to Marvel.
And Again...
They call him kind. They call him brave. All but one. Maybe that is the start of it all. He is intrigued. He wants to know how that chaotic mind works. Others shun the dark, second prince, but he sees only beauty there. His interest is met only with distain, and yet it only draws him closer.
As they grow older his interest begins to take a more physical manifestation. The first dreams he has of sharing a bed with someone are of Loki. It is always Loki. No other will ever compare to the magician. But men do not bed other men in Asgard. It is a relationship that cannot happen.
But, Loki has always been good at keeping secrets.
He wins battle after battle, fights at Thor's side. Loki stands in Thor's shadow, watching over them. No one ever appreciates Loki's contributions to their fights, how he always ends up saving their skins. He sees. He quietly pulls Loki off to the side and thanks him. Every time Loki rolls his eyes and leaves him to follow Thor. Thor is always able to keep his brother's interest.
When his desires become more than he can bear, he begins to take dark haired women to his bed. They tumble onto furs together, hot and heated. He is always careful not to shout out the prince's name, the one he pretends to bed. He is sated, but never satisfied. Loki, of course, notices his interest. The Trickster's distain for him grows. His heart hurts every time he sees those emerald eyes.
/
Thor does not recognize her. Loki's female form is a thing of beauty. Everything about Loki is always beautiful. The golden prince leans in close, jokes loudly, puts an unwelcomed arm around her waist. It makes his skin crawl. How can Thor be so blind?
When she has had enough Loki spins gracefully out of Thor's embrace, only to be met with him. He bows to her, his sweetest smile dancing on his lips. "My lady."
"Lord Balder." Her voice is like a whip, but he would gladly suffer her anger so long as it meant her attentions were focused on him. She spins around him and is lost in the crowd of courtiers.
Thor laughs loudly and claps his on the back. "She is a stubborn one, my friend. Not even I could entice her!"
He smiles, strained, as Thor continues to laugh. He stays just long enough to be deemed acceptable before he too flees the golden hall.
He does not take a raven haired maid to bed that night. Instead, he takes his cock in his hand, imagines that he is trusting into Loki's soft, yielding body, that she is his alone for the taking. He imagines filling her with his seed, taking her again and again as she grows heavy with his child.
Because why should he not imagine Loki as his wife? If he can convince Loki to remain female, well, then there is no reason Odin should deny their marriage. Their relationship need not be secret. He could declare his love for the prince (princess) publicly.
/
He is not there for Loki when the Trickster needs him. The details of the whole affair are kept under wraps, but Loki's true heritage somehow spreads throughout the court. He does not care. If anything he loves Loki even more.
Thor brings him back in chains. He hates the prince for it, for shaming the Trickster like this. It is like a dragon in his chest slowly raises its head. It has been sleeping within him all these years, and this is the event that awakens it. Thor is not worthy. He is the same arrogant boy who could never see his brother's pain. He finally allows himself to admit it: he loathes Thor.
Odin allows him a visit to Loki's cell. "Oh, Loki," he whispers, kneeling down before the angry, chained deity. "You had only to ask. I would have knelt before you. I would have served you." He places a hand on Loki's knee, running his hand slowly up the Trickster's thigh. "I would have given my life for your cause."
Loki can only glare at him. The Trickster is bound, the cuffs cutting off his magic, the muzzle silencing his words. The guards have left them. They trust him. It would be so easy to claim Loki now. The Trickster would not be able to fight him. His lovely, lovely Loki.
No. He pushes the idea away. He wants Loki willing. He wants to hear the Trickster scream his pleasure. He leans forward, placing a kiss on the silver muzzle. "Sweet Loki," he whispers, caressing the Trickster's cheek.
Loki's cold gaze follows him when he finally leaves.
/
The news comes that Loki has escaped. He is not surprised. He actually expected the Trickster to make his move sooner.
What does shock him, to his very core, is when Thor returns with news that Loki has taken a mortal lover. Thor is joyous, for the mortal is one that fights alongside the Thunderer. The mortal has apparently reformed the Trickster. He scoffs at the very idea. Loki is Loki. The Trickster will allow none to "reform" him.
He waits, as he has for so long now. Loki's mortal will die eventually, soon. The Trickster will return to Asgard, with Odin's forgiveness. He will wait, he will be there, as he always has been.
But when Thor returns yet again, this time his usually joy absent, he fears. It is whispered only among the royal family and the prince's close friends. Loki has stopped eating Idunn's apples. He plans to die alongside his mortal lover, to follow him to Hel.
A world without the Trickster, his mind cannot comprehend it. Trying to even think of it makes his warrior heart quake.
It is obvious that something must be done. He cannot allow this to pass. But he must work fast. There is not much time left, and much to accomplish.
The disappearance of one of Idunn's apples is a mystery. Such an act would usually be attributed to Loki, but he had no reason to resort to theft; not when Frigga pleads, each attempt more desperate, for her adopted son to accept the fruit. No one suspects him, not even when he disappears right after the incident. He is gone for years, traveling the realms, but this is not unusual for him. No one calls into question the intentions of Balder the Kind.
/
When he arrives Loki and his mortal lover sleep, holding each other close. His presence should have woken the Trickster, but he has searched years for this spell to hide him. He knows there is only one chance.
Loki does not know he is there, not until he is straddling the Trickster to hold him down. And oh, what has this hated mortal done to the dark glory of Asgard? Loki's once raven hair is gray. There are wrinkles around the magician's eyes and on his hands. His once fearsome strength is gone, his magic depleted. At least, Loki does not have enough left to overcome the spells he has placed on his self. This is not his Loki. This is a Loki who has allowed himself to be corrupted by this mortal! How he hates that very word!
The vial of liquid is forced down Loki's throat (he isn't about to risk forcing a solid apple on the magician) before the Trickster is fully awake, before he can comprehend what is happening. He places a large hand over Loki's mouth and nose. Loki fights him, but he can tell the apple is doing its work; stands of gray return to black, the wrinkles around his eyes soften. He does not remove his hand until Loki finally swallows all the liquid and the Trickster he loves so well lays beneath him.
Loki releases a sob as soon as he can breathe once more. The Trickster throws him off with renewed strength. It wakes his mortal. He watches as Loki pulls the man into his arms, as the mortal strokes his face. He will let Loki have his goodbye. Eventually Loki will realize his misplaced love, but now is not the time.
"Tony. Tony, I'm so sorry," Loki whispers. What has this mortal done? Loki never apologizes, he is never wrong.
"Shh, babe. It's ok." The mortal's voice is weak. His time is close. He arrived just in time to save his Loki.
"No! No it's not! You're dying! You're dying without me!" Loki's body is wracked with sobs. He has never seen the Trickster so distraught.
"You'll get to live now."
"I don't want to!"
His heart breaks.
"But you will." For a moment the mortal is once more the warrior that fought beside Thor.
"Tony, don't make me," Loki pleads.
"Reindeer Games, I love you."
Something passes between them that he cannot understand. Loki's sobs stop. The Trickster grasps the mortal's hand, kissing withered fingers. "You were mine, Tony."
"Always will be, babe."
And that's it. The mortal ceases to breathe.
Loki does not respond when he calls the Trickster's name. Nor does Loki fight when he pulls the magician away from the mortal. He cradles Loki close to his chest, the Trickster staring at the world with unseeing eyes.
/
Loki remains unresponsive. He has wished to return to Asgard immediately, so that Loki could be comforted by the familiarity. And when his mourning was over, the Trickster would realize what he had done. Loki would finally love him.
But Loki stays in a waking sleep. So he waits yet again, this time in some empty Midgardian house. Loki will awaken, the Trickster never gives up, and when he does they will go home. He dreams of their life, of their future. He is so close to happiness now.
He cares for the Trickster. He undresses Loki, bathes Loki, touches Loki. Once more those dark desires creep into his mind. Once more Loki is powerless to stop him. He could, he could…it would be so easy. He has waited so long, so very, very long.
But he once again denies himself. The thought of Loki begging for him, of Loki loving him, is too strong. He cannot risk his happiness now, not after all he has gone through to reach this point.
He hears of the mortal's funeral, but not the worried reports from the mortal's friends. All of them know Loki had been with the mortal, all of them know Loki would not leave his mortal. He does not know of the desperate search being conducted for the Trickster.
So the routine continues. He is content to wait. That is what he does…
Until the sharp pain in his chest. He looks down to see a holly spear piercing his heart, Loki's hand wrapped around the end. The Trickster gazes at him with such hate that he cannot lie to himself about Loki's feelings. And yet, it does not detour him.
"I love you."
Maybe he didn't say it out loud. Loki's look does not soften, there is not understanding in those emerald eyes. He says it again. Maybe Loki is hurt. Sprinkles of blood suddenly appear on the Trickster's clothes. He tries to ask and more blood appears. There is blood in his mouth, making it difficult to speak.
"I love you." Again.
Loki's face fades from his sight.
And again…
He stands before a throne. He knows who the woman is even though her face is covered by a black mask. She has her father's eyes.
And again…
He wonders, cold and grey.
And again…
Above him the world trembles.
And again…
Ragnarok has begun.
/
Why are psychological pieces so much fun to write?
The Hela depicted at the end is the one that appears in the Marvel comics. She needs some more love.