Gordon Freeman sat in the cafeteria flipping through an outdated copy of Popular Mechanics when suddenly there was a bright green flash and the G-man: Appeared in front of him.
G-man: "I have a job for you."
Freeman: "Great! Reading all of these back issues of Popular Mechanics was getting kind of boring... What's the job? Kill an army of Aliens…save the world from a mad scientist?"
G-man: "Nope…I want you to kill one man, if you can call him that."
Freeman: "Darn, is that all."
G-man: "This is no ordinary man Gordon, he is the personification of annoying…here take this crowbar."
Freeman: "A crowbar? What about a gun?"
G-man: "A bullet is too merciful for your target…just take a look at this picture."
*Administrator whips out a picture of Erek*
Freeman: "No get it away! AAAAAHHHHH!"
G-man: "Now get to it Freeman! Show no mercy!"
The Administrator throws the picture away and pulls out a displacer rifle. There is another green flash and Freeman finds himself standing in front of a strange place. Gordon blunders around for several minutes until he overhears two people talking.
Erek: "Sorry about shutting down the ship's weapons and getting your friend killed, but I just thought it'd be more fun that way."
Rachel: "Why, you little - what the? Who the hell are you and what is with the Orange suit?!"
Freeman: "Name's Dr. Gordon Freeman and I'm here to do the world a favor."
Gordon raises the crowbar high over his head and gives Marco a good hit over the head. In return Erek screeches in fear. "I... can't... protect myself!"
Freeman: "Damn you're pathetic, I'm really…"
Every Person on earth who has ever read Animorphs "NOW FREEMAN! CAVE HIS SKULL IN!"
Rachel: "What was that!?"
Freeman: "The voice of all Animorph fans across the planet signing Erek's death warrant."
Erek: "NO!"
Freeman: "Say goodbye, you metallurgic freak!"
Erek: "HHHHEEEELLLLPPPP MMMEEEE!"
Rachel: "Ummm... No."
Gordon proceeds to lay the smack down:
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Rachel: "Gordon, don't you think he's had enough?!"
Freeman: "He'll tell me when he's had enough!"
Rachel: "But Erek's mouth's bent shut!"
Freeman: "I know…"
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Feeling a light tap on his shoulder Gordon turns around and comes face to face with his boss.
G-man: "Wisely done Mr. Freeman. By killing Erek, your popularity now ranks somewhere between Mother Teresa and Mohammed Ghandi."
Freeman: "Great! But why hasn't the screen faded to black and the credits start rolling?"
G-man: "Oh it's not over yet. I figured since I went through all this trouble, I might as well root out several annoyances."
Freeman: "Hold on now. This was not part of the deal."
G-man: "Relax, you're done for today. Go home, grab a beer and watch some football. I called in some other experts."
Freeman: "Others…What Others?
*****
Somewhere in a super-duper secret Yeerk Pool:
Visser One: "Give me the escafil device!"
Cassie: "You don't deserve the power!"
Shepherd: "Power…hell he doesn't deserve breathing privileges!"
Visser One whirls around and comes face to face with a U.S Marine in Urban Camo and Gas Mask.
Visser One: "Who the hell are you and what're you doing here?"
Shepherd: "The name is Corporal Adrian Shepherd U.S.M.C and I'm here so I can put my foot up your sorry ass! Now shut your pie hole Maggot!"
Visser One: "You can't talk to me like that! I am the great Visser One! You…"
Shepherd: "I said shut it dirt bag!"
Adrian pulls out his trusty pipe wrench and swings it high overhead griping it with both hands. Visser One had barely begun his long-winded "I am God" speech before the good Corporal buried the wrench deep into the Visser's skull.
Crunch-Splat!
Shepherd: "When I say shut it Visser, I mean shut it!…Say Cassie, have you called the police?"
Cassie: "What for?"
Shepherd: "To report a crime…you all dressed up like that and no where to go."
Cassie: *Looks at her clothes* "Huh?"
Shepherd: "I haven't had a day off in over a month. How about you and me go out for a few drinks…I know a great little place you and me can go."
Cassie: "But…but I have to save the world!"
Shepherd: "Nuts to that! The world cain wait, but you and I aren't getting any younger…come on, I'll even buy."
Cassie: "Well…ok…I guess one little day off couldn't hurt."
*****
Somewhere at the opposite end of the super-duper secret Yeerk Pool:
Rachel and Jake wait in the turbolift for no apparent reason.
Jake: "Rachel tell me…how did you get from the Blade Ship to here under a minute?"
Rachel: "This is Animorphs, Jake. Logic doesn't really apply to us."
Jake: "Oh…and where the hell is Cassie? She was supposed to call us after she pissed off the Visser..."
Rachel: "I don't know it's not like her to be late to a fight..."
*Both fall over laughing*
*****
Military Transport Craft M989GS
Cassie: "I never thought that dinner in the back of a V-22 Osprey could be so romantic."
Shepherd: "The candles were a nice touch…more wine?"
Cassie: "Please…you know Adrian this might be the alcohol talking but for a grunt you are kind of cute."
Shepherd: "For a woman who can't dress that well and can turn into a wolf within seconds, you're pretty hot yourself."
Cassie: "Corporal, it that a hand grenade in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
Shepherd: "Umm…it's a hand grenade…hold on and I'll get rid of it."
As the two fumble around to dispose of the grenade their hands touched and in that instant a romance is born.
Cassie: "Let's do it Corporal."
-From Far Away-: "That's my line!"
Shepherd: "Right now?…here?"
Cassie: "Yea."
Adrian removes his helmet and places it over the camera lens completely obstructing the view.
Story Narrator: "What the hell! You can't do that!"
Shepherd: "Sorry buddy but we have to keep this decent."
Story Narrator: "Not fair! It's not fair I tell you!…ahem…anyway with both Erek and the Visser dead our story switches back to the Yeerk Pool where the final chapter is about to be written in this gripping saga of…"
Cassie: "Oh Shepherd! You animal!"
Story Narrator: "Hey keep it down you two!"
Shepherd: "Sorry…"
*****
Once again somewhere at the opposite end of the super-duper secret Yeerk Pool:
Jake: "Ok that's it we are out of here. I'm sick of waiting."
Rachel: "You know Jake since we ARE here, you know what we have to do."
Jake: "Yep…we have to kill a lotta Yeerks and blow shit up. I'll get some explosives, you go grizzly. Whaddya say?"
Rachel: "Let's--"
Barney: "Freeze!"
Jake and Rachel: "What the!?"
Barney: "I'm Barney CalHoun, Black Mesa security and catch phrase enforcement…I can't let you go on, missy."
Rachel: "But we're about to blow stuff up! I have to say it!"
Barney: "No can do and I must warn you that I am authorized to use lethal force if necessary."
Barney unholsters his Glock 17 and takes aim.
Rachel: "Run for it!"
Rachel and Jake ride the emergency elevator to the hanger where they make a quick escape in a Bug Fighter.
Jake: "All right! Perfect opportunity to blow shit up!"
Rachel: "Let's do it!"
Barney: "Damn it! What the hell did I just say!"
Barney pops up behind Rachel and begins to pistol whip her.
Rachel: "Ouch! Stop it."
Barney "HHHHEEEYYYY!!!! YYYEEEAAA!!!!!"
Whap! Whap! Whap!
Barney: "Jeez…some people never learn."
*****
Military Transport Craft M989GS
Adrian and Cassie lay covered in an army surplus blanket…a chisel would be needed to remove the smiles from their faces.
Shepherd: "You know we should try that on a moving tank some time, I bet it would be a real hoot."
Cassie: "That's a date Corporal…*sigh*"
Shepherd: "What's wrong."
Cassie: "I just feel like we forgot something."
Shepherd: "What's to forget? Erek is dead, I gave Visser's body to Nicholai's pet snark "Nippy" as a chew toy and Barney has gagged the remaining members of the Animorph cast to prevent them from spewing any more stupid catch phrases."
Cassie: "You're right…whatever it was I'm sure it wasn't important…now what was this about trying it on top of a tank again?"
*****
P.S. A rogue group of weasels castrated the board members of the Sharing. The G-Man has denied any involvement in the incident.
G-man: "I have a job for you."
Freeman: "Great! Reading all of these back issues of Popular Mechanics was getting kind of boring... What's the job? Kill an army of Aliens…save the world from a mad scientist?"
G-man: "Nope…I want you to kill one man, if you can call him that."
Freeman: "Darn, is that all."
G-man: "This is no ordinary man Gordon, he is the personification of annoying…here take this crowbar."
Freeman: "A crowbar? What about a gun?"
G-man: "A bullet is too merciful for your target…just take a look at this picture."
*Administrator whips out a picture of Erek*
Freeman: "No get it away! AAAAAHHHHH!"
G-man: "Now get to it Freeman! Show no mercy!"
The Administrator throws the picture away and pulls out a displacer rifle. There is another green flash and Freeman finds himself standing in front of a strange place. Gordon blunders around for several minutes until he overhears two people talking.
Erek: "Sorry about shutting down the ship's weapons and getting your friend killed, but I just thought it'd be more fun that way."
Rachel: "Why, you little - what the? Who the hell are you and what is with the Orange suit?!"
Freeman: "Name's Dr. Gordon Freeman and I'm here to do the world a favor."
Gordon raises the crowbar high over his head and gives Marco a good hit over the head. In return Erek screeches in fear. "I... can't... protect myself!"
Freeman: "Damn you're pathetic, I'm really…"
Every Person on earth who has ever read Animorphs "NOW FREEMAN! CAVE HIS SKULL IN!"
Rachel: "What was that!?"
Freeman: "The voice of all Animorph fans across the planet signing Erek's death warrant."
Erek: "NO!"
Freeman: "Say goodbye, you metallurgic freak!"
Erek: "HHHHEEEELLLLPPPP MMMEEEE!"
Rachel: "Ummm... No."
Gordon proceeds to lay the smack down:
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Rachel: "Gordon, don't you think he's had enough?!"
Freeman: "He'll tell me when he's had enough!"
Rachel: "But Erek's mouth's bent shut!"
Freeman: "I know…"
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap! Whap!
Feeling a light tap on his shoulder Gordon turns around and comes face to face with his boss.
G-man: "Wisely done Mr. Freeman. By killing Erek, your popularity now ranks somewhere between Mother Teresa and Mohammed Ghandi."
Freeman: "Great! But why hasn't the screen faded to black and the credits start rolling?"
G-man: "Oh it's not over yet. I figured since I went through all this trouble, I might as well root out several annoyances."
Freeman: "Hold on now. This was not part of the deal."
G-man: "Relax, you're done for today. Go home, grab a beer and watch some football. I called in some other experts."
Freeman: "Others…What Others?
*****
Somewhere in a super-duper secret Yeerk Pool:
Visser One: "Give me the escafil device!"
Cassie: "You don't deserve the power!"
Shepherd: "Power…hell he doesn't deserve breathing privileges!"
Visser One whirls around and comes face to face with a U.S Marine in Urban Camo and Gas Mask.
Visser One: "Who the hell are you and what're you doing here?"
Shepherd: "The name is Corporal Adrian Shepherd U.S.M.C and I'm here so I can put my foot up your sorry ass! Now shut your pie hole Maggot!"
Visser One: "You can't talk to me like that! I am the great Visser One! You…"
Shepherd: "I said shut it dirt bag!"
Adrian pulls out his trusty pipe wrench and swings it high overhead griping it with both hands. Visser One had barely begun his long-winded "I am God" speech before the good Corporal buried the wrench deep into the Visser's skull.
Crunch-Splat!
Shepherd: "When I say shut it Visser, I mean shut it!…Say Cassie, have you called the police?"
Cassie: "What for?"
Shepherd: "To report a crime…you all dressed up like that and no where to go."
Cassie: *Looks at her clothes* "Huh?"
Shepherd: "I haven't had a day off in over a month. How about you and me go out for a few drinks…I know a great little place you and me can go."
Cassie: "But…but I have to save the world!"
Shepherd: "Nuts to that! The world cain wait, but you and I aren't getting any younger…come on, I'll even buy."
Cassie: "Well…ok…I guess one little day off couldn't hurt."
*****
Somewhere at the opposite end of the super-duper secret Yeerk Pool:
Rachel and Jake wait in the turbolift for no apparent reason.
Jake: "Rachel tell me…how did you get from the Blade Ship to here under a minute?"
Rachel: "This is Animorphs, Jake. Logic doesn't really apply to us."
Jake: "Oh…and where the hell is Cassie? She was supposed to call us after she pissed off the Visser..."
Rachel: "I don't know it's not like her to be late to a fight..."
*Both fall over laughing*
*****
Military Transport Craft M989GS
Cassie: "I never thought that dinner in the back of a V-22 Osprey could be so romantic."
Shepherd: "The candles were a nice touch…more wine?"
Cassie: "Please…you know Adrian this might be the alcohol talking but for a grunt you are kind of cute."
Shepherd: "For a woman who can't dress that well and can turn into a wolf within seconds, you're pretty hot yourself."
Cassie: "Corporal, it that a hand grenade in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
Shepherd: "Umm…it's a hand grenade…hold on and I'll get rid of it."
As the two fumble around to dispose of the grenade their hands touched and in that instant a romance is born.
Cassie: "Let's do it Corporal."
-From Far Away-: "That's my line!"
Shepherd: "Right now?…here?"
Cassie: "Yea."
Adrian removes his helmet and places it over the camera lens completely obstructing the view.
Story Narrator: "What the hell! You can't do that!"
Shepherd: "Sorry buddy but we have to keep this decent."
Story Narrator: "Not fair! It's not fair I tell you!…ahem…anyway with both Erek and the Visser dead our story switches back to the Yeerk Pool where the final chapter is about to be written in this gripping saga of…"
Cassie: "Oh Shepherd! You animal!"
Story Narrator: "Hey keep it down you two!"
Shepherd: "Sorry…"
*****
Once again somewhere at the opposite end of the super-duper secret Yeerk Pool:
Jake: "Ok that's it we are out of here. I'm sick of waiting."
Rachel: "You know Jake since we ARE here, you know what we have to do."
Jake: "Yep…we have to kill a lotta Yeerks and blow shit up. I'll get some explosives, you go grizzly. Whaddya say?"
Rachel: "Let's--"
Barney: "Freeze!"
Jake and Rachel: "What the!?"
Barney: "I'm Barney CalHoun, Black Mesa security and catch phrase enforcement…I can't let you go on, missy."
Rachel: "But we're about to blow stuff up! I have to say it!"
Barney: "No can do and I must warn you that I am authorized to use lethal force if necessary."
Barney unholsters his Glock 17 and takes aim.
Rachel: "Run for it!"
Rachel and Jake ride the emergency elevator to the hanger where they make a quick escape in a Bug Fighter.
Jake: "All right! Perfect opportunity to blow shit up!"
Rachel: "Let's do it!"
Barney: "Damn it! What the hell did I just say!"
Barney pops up behind Rachel and begins to pistol whip her.
Rachel: "Ouch! Stop it."
Barney "HHHHEEEYYYY!!!! YYYEEEAAA!!!!!"
Whap! Whap! Whap!
Barney: "Jeez…some people never learn."
*****
Military Transport Craft M989GS
Adrian and Cassie lay covered in an army surplus blanket…a chisel would be needed to remove the smiles from their faces.
Shepherd: "You know we should try that on a moving tank some time, I bet it would be a real hoot."
Cassie: "That's a date Corporal…*sigh*"
Shepherd: "What's wrong."
Cassie: "I just feel like we forgot something."
Shepherd: "What's to forget? Erek is dead, I gave Visser's body to Nicholai's pet snark "Nippy" as a chew toy and Barney has gagged the remaining members of the Animorph cast to prevent them from spewing any more stupid catch phrases."
Cassie: "You're right…whatever it was I'm sure it wasn't important…now what was this about trying it on top of a tank again?"
*****
P.S. A rogue group of weasels castrated the board members of the Sharing. The G-Man has denied any involvement in the incident.