Sirius Black's Guide to Getting the Object of One's Affections in Ten Easy Steps
DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!
WARNING: WILL CONTAIN SLASH (male on male)!! Ye be warned
Author's Note: Ridiculously long title, I know, but…deal with it. This might become a series, but we'll see how long the first bit takes. So, I don't think there's much more to be said here…so let's roll it!
P.S. – I totally made up the 10 Step Process and if I read this in any other fan-fictions…ohh mama you will feel pain. It's MINE!! I have no idea if it works in real life however…
P.P.S. – Paramore is GREAT. Listen to them…live, acoustic, album, they fucking ROCK!
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Sirius Black could get anyone in ten days. He could have the trembling and begging for it beneath him, whispering his name, and various other (much more dirty) sentiments, in his ear. He was sure of it. Until his best mate in the whole world, James Potter, told him to prove it.
The two sat in the common room late one evening. James had been moaning and groaning and complaining that Lily Evans had rebuffed his attempts to woo her yet again, and Sirius had spoken of his world class skill and talent at the art of seduction.
"Pfft. Sure thing Padfoot. What's this big strategy then?"
"It's a simple ten step program."
"Let's hear it then."
"Step one; know your getting some chances, and whether the person of your ardor falls into them. If you're Snape, for example, no one wants you.
"If so, step two; get them to notice you exist.
"Once that's done, step three; let them know you care about them in some way. Be nice, polite, caring…that sort of shite.
"Step four; make them jealous with someone else who is also, hopefully, on step four of the program. Less broken hearts that way…
"Then step five; 'break up' with the person from the previous step while the person of your affections is nearby. Let them know you're available and looking.
"Step six; if they don't like you, too bad. But maybe the person from step four could help you out. You'll know if they don't come round sniffing. If they do like you, then you show some interest in them. Compliments are nice.
"Step seven; kiss them. It's the surest way to know if they want 'that' sort of relationship.
"Step eight; if you haven't been hexed into oblivion from the kiss, do a Grand Gesture. Flowers, or love poems, doesn't really matter. Just let them know you want them in that way.
"Then, step nine; see if they return your affections.
"And step ten; once you have ascertained the other person is interested, then go shagging off into the sunset. If they don't like you, you're a miserable failure and maybe wanking off into the sunset is the best option."
James gaped. "And you just have that all memorized out in your mind?"
"Prongs," Sirius replied, grinning, "I am no longer just a pretty face, but a veritable plethora of useful information."
"…You stole that 'veritable plethora' bit from Mooney didn't you?"
"Oh yeah. …Too much?"
"No, no, it was nice, I liked it… But I would like you to prove this plan works. There are an awful lot of places a bloke could get harmed and/or dumped."
"Pish posh. It's flawless. I've used it dozens of times. So…going to try it out on Evans?"
"I will if you do it simultaneously with someone of my choosing."
Padfoot surveyed him a moment. "Are you wagering me? Me?"
"It certainly looks that way."
"…Fine. Terms, then, Messr Prongs?"
"By the end of this ten step process, if you don't have your person begging for you, then I win and you owe me…well I guess the satisfaction of winning is enough. If I win, I get Evans, so…either way…"
"And if you lose, I get to rag on you. Ha. I like it. And if we both succeed?"
"It shall be a tie."
"And what do I get if I win?" James smirked now.
"You get the satisfaction of a righteous celebratory shag."
"Deal. You conquer your bird and I will conquer mine."
"Oh no. I get to choose remember." His gaze flicked to the portrait hole where someone had just entered. "And I choose…Mooney!"
Remus Lupin sat down on the couch next to Sirius and looked between his two mates. "Choose me for what?"
--
"Why did you pick him?" Sirius grumbled, later the next day as they walked down to the Quidditch pitch. "I fancy birds."
"Pfft, if you aren't at least bisexual Padfoot, I'm a muffin. And it's him because it's funny. Oh and I make a new rule, you aren't allowed to tell him. 'Cause that's cheating 'cause you and I both know Mooney would help you out in a second."
"So? Just because Mooney actually can look at me without hexing me isn't my fault."
James glared. "No. No telling him."
Sirius sighed dramatically and put a hand to his head as if he were about to faint. "Fine! The tragedy, the horror!!"
"Shut up. Take it like a man."
"…Fine. Jerk."
--
When they made it back up to the castle, they spotted Lily and Remus in deep conversation in the common room by the fire.
"What was step one again?" James murmured.
"Know your chances and if you think you're good, go for it."
"Check" said James, and Sirius bit back his witty (yeah, he could be witty!) retort. "Then?"
"Step two. Get them to notice you exist. And try not to get boils all over your face again like last time, eh," Sirius added, as he moved toward the pair in the chairs by the fire. James followed.
Sirius threw himself with all the grace of an antelope in Swan Lake into Remus' lap, looking up at him adoringly. "Hello Mooney."
"Hello Padfoot." He looked back at Lily. "So as I was saying, the chances of the charm actually being able to be modified are like…well, it's rather abysmal."
"Yes but, but…b…" Lily trailed off as she caught sight of Potter. It was as though someone had turned on a wind machine and lights or something. Time seemed to have slowed as James lifted his shirt off slowly, the gentle ascent of the fabric over his head tantalizing. And she wasn't the only one staring. Half the females in the room were gaping openly, and the other half were watching covertly, especially those attached to boyfriends.
Lily watched as the smooth expanse of skin and muscle (ooh, what would it feel like?) stretched delectably before he pulled his shirt right off and hooked it over his back with a finger. He was like a walking Calvin Klein model for fuck sake!!
"Hey Evans." He smiled charmingly and Lily closed her mouth, remembering she was supposed to hate him.
"Potter." She looked back at Remus to resume her conversation and realized she had forgotten what she had been about to say. Remus was smirking at her, and Padfoot looked put out, as he was now sitting on the edge of Remus' chair. James mimicked him with Lily's chair. "Potter, why are you sitting beside me?"
"Because if I sat on you, you would have my bollocks nailed to the nearest wall." He leaned in and whispered rather erotically in her ear "Although you and I both know there are much better uses for them…"
And as she rolled her eyes, trying not to smirk, he winked and made to head up to the dorms.
"Padfoot! Good fellow, I must converse with you in the upstairs! Come, come!" Sirius followed. Once they had gained the privacy of the stairwell to the dorms, James rounded on his best mate. "How did I do?"
"Well, good news is, she definitely knows your there. And your face is delightfully boil-free!"
--
The next day in the back of Transfiguration, when they were supposed to be practicing their work, they held a whispered debate of step three.
"Lily doesn't take well to me being nice. I've tried."
"So? Remus already knows I'm bloody great, so what's the problem? Follow the rules. Geez."
James scowled. Sirius could have been much more helpful with this if he wanted… Ponce. "It's not fair!"
"Stop whining, or I'll just declare myself the winner…or tell Mooney about the bet. And you know he'll tell Lily. And she won't like it too much methinks."
"You thinks… Lies and propaganda I say."
"Anyhow, back to the program. You need to get a move on with Evans, so you can get her to stop being so uppity about all those damned rules."
"Evans is not uppity!" James whispered fiercely. "She's passionate."
"Whatever. Just…go…show her you love her." James actually made to get up, but Sirius pulled him back down. "Not now idiot! We're in class!"
"That you are Mr. Black. And for talking and not doing the work that I have clearly assigned the class, you will also be in detention with me this evening." Sirius glared at his best friend, who smiled weakly in return.
"Sorry."
"…I hate you."
--
"Lily?"
Lily Evans looked up from her lunch. James Potter. Grr-eat… "Yes Potter?"
"Mind if I sit?"
She looked at him, fearing the worst (she was going to bet Elaborate Hoax or Brain Injury…Potter was never so thoughtful or considerate…) "No, go ahead. But you undoubtedly came here for some other reason than to just ask me to sit, so out with it." Her mind took a deviously naughty detour, and thoughts of him pulling his shirt off and those abs flexing and stretching…pants sliding down hips and - NO! Bad Lily!
James smiled as though he knew just where her thoughts had strayed and she blushed. "No ploy Evans. Clam down. I just wanted to say, I know I've been a bit of a jerk in the past-" She snorted derisively. There was the understatement of her life. "But I want to…look, you're Head girl, and I'm Head Boy. We need to show some solidarity. A united front as it were."
Lily stared blankly. She was dreaming…or hallucinating…because…was Potter being…responsible? Noo…
James grinned again. "I know. But I promise, I'm not trying to con you or anything. I just…I like you, and if you don't like me the same way, I have to get over that. But I want us to get to know one another. I care Lily. Really."
And with that, before she could reply, he got up and strode away to where his friends sat, talking and laughing merrily.
James smirked at Padfoot who smirked back. "Good job Prongsie."
"What?" Remus asked, looking between the two.
"Sirius has something he needs to tell you, don't you Padfoot?" James said smugly.
Sirius glared. "Yes." He turned a winning smile to Remus. "Yes."
"What's up Padfoot?" he asked softly.
"We can…talk about it after lunch! Yes! Now…time for food."
Remus rolled his eyes but dropped it for then. Only to resume it the second they rose from the table. "Time's up. Tell me."
"Oh you insufferable prat. Come on then, it's not something I want everyone hearing."
He pulled his friend out of the main populace and down a small corridor off the Entrance hall that led to a broom cupboard. "Sirius, I don't want to go into a broom cupboard with you. This is fine." For some reason the lycanthrope was blushing.
"Right." He had no idea what he was going to say. Time to turn on the good ol' Black charm. "Remus…" Oh fuck, how to go about this…?
"Sirius, what's wrong?" asked Remus, sounding genuinely concerned now.
"Nothing…nothing I just…we're good friends right? Like…we're mates, yeah?"
"Of course. Why? What have you done?"
"What? Nothing! I just…I'm glad we're friends. 'Cause…I care about you y'know?"
Remus still looked wary, but he smiled. "Aww, you great soppy git. That's what you needed to tell me?"
"Yes." He flung his arms about Mooney's shoulders casually. "But don't tell James, 'cause I don't love him anymore."
"Really…"
"Nope. Not at all."
Remus rolled his eyes, but smiled. "You're incorrigible."
"I know… What's incorrigible mean?"
--
"So he just told me he cared! And…then he left! No attempt at playing footsies, no asking me out for the seven billionth time…just…left."
"So why do you think something's wrong?" Remus asked. He and Lily were on patrol in the corridors just after curfew to ensure no one was sneaking about when they weren't supposed to be.
"Umm…because as noble as you might be Remus, they are Marauders! Something's up…I know it."
Remus suppressed a laugh. "You know…maybe he's just growing up. Trying to show you he isn't that insufferable arrogant berk you think he is. Because he's really not y'know…"
Lily sighed. "Don't tell him, but…I know. He's actually been much better this year."
"Does this mean you're going to date him? Give him a chance at least?"
She shrugged. "Maybe. And what about you, Lupin? You going to find yourself a nice girl?"
Remus looked away. "We'll see…"
"I honestly don't know how you're still single. Lots of girls like you. I mean, what's not to like, right?" His blush deepened. "So why haven't you just picked one of the girl's who eye you up when they think no one's looking?"
"Lily, if I tell you something will you keep it to yourself?"
Lily looked marginally surprised, but acquiesced, nodding. "Yeah. Of course I won't breath a word to anyone."
"I met someone over the summer-"
"Aww!!!" Lily squealed. He shushed her. "Sorry, go on."
"And we…sort of…"
"Fooled around? Remus you lost your virginity? Aww!!"
"Yeah. Only…it was just a summer thing, we both agreed to that, and he was a Muggle anyhow, so it's not like-"
"He?" she interrupted. Lily stared at him. "Are you saying…you're…?"
Remus grimaced. "Yeah."
"Oh…hmm…yeah I see it."
Remus laughed, half in amusement and half in relief. "So you aren't freaked out that I'm a pouf or anything?"
"Pfft, Remus this is the seventies. Come on. Besides, then I would just be a great filthy hypocrite."
"Thanks Lily, I knew – what?"
She laughed. "Oh yeah. Mary Mcdonald and I snogged last year…and then…a friend from home and I over the summer. Only…don't go blabbing that around, please."
"I won't." He chuckled. "Look at the Prefects, going all Free Love."
Lily smiled back and hugged him impulsively. "Y'know, I always wanted a gay friend…"
--
"Alright, so we're done step three, now what's the next bit?" James was biting at a fingernail worriedly in the common-room that evening. He hoped this didn't go to Hell in a hand basket. Sure, he thought he was dong well do far, but he didn't want to lose the momentum. Or end up the on the receiving end of Lily's hexes.
"Ooh, my favourite step. Make them jealous. Now…who to pick to make them jealous with…hmm… For you I'm thinking Jeanette Baudelaire. She's smart, but not too smart, gorgeous, but not so much so that Lily's thinks she's lost you, and happens to fancy that Richardson bloke in Hufflepuff."
"Won't Lily know she doesn't really like me?"
"Pfft, no. Evans hates her, as much as she could ever hate anyone. They don't speak anymore after, apparently, Jeanette told her to quit showing off in Charms in Third Year. Besides, I've already talked to her and she's agreed to help you out."
"Oh…right, awesome. And who do you pick for yourself?"
Sirius shrugged. "Doesn't matter."
"What do you mean it doesn't matter? Of course it matters!" Sirius merely shrugged again. "Stop doing that! This is serious!"
"Why? I don't want to marry Mooney…"
"Stop pouting because I picked him. You like him, and you just don't want to admit it that yeah, you might just be attracted to another guy."
Fuck James and his reasonable thinking… "Fine. For me I pick…any random guy."
"No. Since you're going to be thick about this, I'll pick. And who do I choose…someone Remus would be jealous of…got it! You know that Ravenclaw who kept making…er…comments about him last year?"
"Eww, him? I couldn't be with him, even as a sham. It would hurt Remus."
"Oh, but you don't like him at all that way. Bloody wanker."
"Fine, so maybe, maybe, I think we would be great together," he waggled his eyebrows suggestively and James groaned, "but there's no one who would make him jealous. Remus doesn't get jealous. Ever."
"I know…damn. Then choose someone you know would irk him…like another Prefect or something. Ooh! Or like a Fifth Year…he would completely disapprove of you 'taking advantage' of someone."
Sirius grinned wickedly. "That is so perfect. James, this is why I love you."
Then he got up and made his way over to go and chat up some innocent-looking boys. James rolled his eyes. This was going to be legendary…
--
"Evans!"
"Black."
"Fancy meeting you here, eh?" He said, sitting beside her.
"This is the library. More like 'I thought you were afraid of books'."
Sirius smiled and leaned into her personal space. "I am. But I just thought I should tell you the news."
Lily sighed and finally looked up from her Transfiguration essay. It wasn't due for a week, but she figured it best to get it out of the way. "What news?"
"About James of course! He…well he found someone and… I think he might just be serious about her."
"If this is some kind of attempt for him to get you to ask me out for him-"
"No, no. I mean… you know Jeanette Baudelaire, right?"
Lily's mouth tightened. "I know of her, yes."
"Yeah. They're together." He was looking at her intently, and just barely caught the flicker of disappointment in her eyes.
"Oh. Good for them then. I take it this means I will be Potter-free for awhile?"
Sirius smiled, and it was…pitying? He didn't know that…that she…might actually not hate his best friend…did he? "Yeah." He knocked lightly on the table and got up. "Just thought I'd let you know. See you around Evans."
She watched him go and tried to ignore the bad feeling weighing down on her. She didn't fancy Potter. She didn't really even like him. He was…arrogant, and abrasive, and obtuse and…and oh good Merlin…she fancied him…
--
"So she looked disappointed?"
"For the fifth time already Prongs, yes! She looked like someone had just told her they were tearing down the library. But she hid it pretty well."
James beamed. "Right, so now you need to make Remus jealous."
"I have a plan for that actually… Bring Remus to the dormitory at eight fifteen tonight."
"Why?"
"For the plan!"
"What plan?"
"To make him jealous! For you to ultimately get in Evans' knickers you dolt! Merlin, can you stop thinking about her for more than ten seconds or are you that hopelessly besotted?" Sirius shouted as they made their way to the kitchens for a little snack.
James looked up at him guiltily. "What was that? I wasn't listening…"
Sirius rolled his eyes.
--
"Mooney! I need help with my Potions homework."
Remus looked up from his Ancient Runes. His hair was messy, having run his hands through it half a dozen times in the last ten minutes, and he looked like hell. "What do you need help with?" he asked wearily. He had this monster translation due in two days and had somehow managed to leave it until the last minutes.
"I forget… And I left my stuff upstairs."
"Go get it and I'll help you."
"Er…no offence Remus, but you look like Death warmed over. You okay?"
"Stressed." He offered a wan smile. "Go get your Potions stuff and we can go over it."
"Wanna come with? Shake off the sleepy?"
Chuckling, Remus agreed, and they ascended the stairs together. James ushered Remus before him into the room with overzealous theatrics that he had undoubtedly picked up from Sirius, and the werewolf opened the door.
"Hey Padfoot, what are you doing up here a…lone…" The last word died on his lips as he saw, quite clearly, Sirius was not alone. In fact he was far from alone.
James had retrieved his bag, and had it slung over one shoulder by his own bed. Then he looked over to where Remus was standing just inside the door, looking rather confused, while Sirius stared back at him over his shoulder, the young boy beneath him whom he had been snogging the sense out of (oh Merlin, please let him be older than fourteen, please let him be older than fourteen…) looking up at the ceiling and blushing hard.
"Never mind…." Remus said. He looked at James, who looked at him, while Sirius looked between the two. "Shall we do that Potions stuff then?" he asked in a brittle voice and James only nodded.
After Remus was out the door, James shot Sirius a look back over his shoulder and Sirius stared back.
As soon as James and Mooney had sat down in the common room, away from the bustling chatter of the center of the room for the darker corner, Remus turned to his longtime friend. "Did you know he was…well…?"
"Oh I had my suspicions. I mean come on; it's Sirius, right? But I never thought I'd see him lying on his bed dry humping some kid."
James watched Remus carefully, but saw no change in his normally calm demeanor. It was as if he had just walked in on Padfoot sleeping for all the emotion he showed… "Yeah…and what is that? Why pick someone so young?"
"There aren't a lot of guys who want to cozy up to Padfoot in Hogwarts?"
"You'd be surprised," Remus muttered, more to himself.
"What?" James asked, looking up from where he had pulled his books out.
Remus smiled a little. "Nothing. Now, what did you need help with?"
"Oh…umm…actually, I think I'm gonna leave it for tonight. Sorry to have bothered you from your work!"
And with that, he dashed off to the dormitories. Remus watched him go, shrugged, looked back at his translation, and rubbed his eyes. Well why should James and Sirius start making sense now?
James burst in just as the younger boy was leaving. "Sorry" he muttered as he almost walked into him.
"Oi! Try not being such a spaz next time, eh?"
James glared. "Get out, the adults are speaking!"
The boy cast him a dirty look then left. James looked at his best mate who was lying in bed looking up at him hopefully. "Okay, please tell me you didn't actually snog that little prat."
"Pfft. No. What do you think I am?"
"How old was he anyway?"
"I forget…Fourth Year? Fifth? …Anyhow, what did Mooney say?"
"Surprisingly nothing."
Sirius' jaw dropped. "What??"
"Yeah, he was actually not really bothered at all… I thought the age thing at least would be something, but all he asked was what it was about."
"And you said…?"
"I just said maybe there aren't a lot of guys who want to cozy up to you at Hogwarts. You do have a bit of a reputation y'know…"
"Yeah well it's not like you helped! You were supposed to hint that he should be enraged! This is all your fault!!"
"My fault? It's your stupid plan!"
"I know!!" He rolled over and tried to suffocate himself.
"So what's the next step after this?" James asked, sitting down beside him. He then fell to the floor as Padfoot tried to ram the pillow down his throat.
--
"So next step…" said Sires as he and James walked down to breakfast that morning.
"See? You do not see me jamming a pillow in your face for mentioning the process do you?"
"Shut up. Padfoot speaks." James rolled his eyes. "Now, as I was saying. The next step can't happen right away, because you, my good friend, need to prove to Lily you are dating Miss Baudelaire. So…let her catch you snogging the gal passionately in the broom cupboard or something."
"But I don't want to kiss her. She doesn't like Lily…"
"No wonder Evans hasn't dated you yet… Because you're thicker than a god damned TROLL!"
"Don't shout I'm right here."
"Apologies. So…how are we going to get Evans to find the two of you spending some, ah, 'quality time' together?"
James rubbed his chine. "Hmm…I think I might know…"
"Lily, are you drawing up the timetable for patrols?"
"Yes. Why?" She looked up from her seat in the common room where she had the schedule on her lap, poring over it.
"Need any help?"
What the…? "Sure…thanks."
James, being the deviously clever lad he was, arranged it, through careful planning, and then changing it when Lily turned to talk to her friend, so that she would be patrolling the next evening with the Richardson bloke (who was a prefect, bless him).
He smiled at her when they finished then went off to do 'Marauder stuff', aka, tell Sirius he had done it.
--
Lily smiled at Richardson. He smiled back. If he were a good three or so inches taller (Lily liked them tall) she might have considered dating him.
She was vaguely familiar with him, having been a fellow Prefect for the same number of years, but she couldn't really say she ever knew him. She tried to remember if they had ever gone on patrol together before, and thought she might have recalled one time… But most Prefects usually went out with the other people form their own House.
Nevertheless, she was stuck here, and as they quietly roamed the halls, she tried to find something to say.
"Are you trying to ignore the awkward silence as well?" he asked, glancing over. She giggled.
"Yes. Oh Merlin, I thought I would just have to sit here and think the whole time. Don't get me wrong, I think thinking is great, but chatting can be nice as well."
They were just turning the corner, when there was a muffled giggle and a whispered hush, followed by a stifled moan. "When will they learn that we know where the broom cupboards are?" Lily asked and Richardson smirked.
She opened the door, ready to hand out detentions, but then speech became a paradox, and she closed her mouth.
There was Potter and Baudelaire, him with his mouth all over her neck, her flushed and breathless. They looked up at her, and she felt the embarrassment creeping over her cheeks.
"Evans?" James asked.
She couldn't take it a second longer, and hurriedly closed the door on them and ran away.
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