Behind The Words
By:GoldenSilence
Disclaimer: I take nothing from Natsume, except their names (sharkshark,
Nami, and Jack.)
************ A/N=Finally, I got the new Harvest Moon game for gamecube, and finally, after about a week of nonstop playing, I'm about to get married to Nami. Yay! Anyhow, here's a story for all you Nami lovers out there. (Yeah, I see you guys trying to hide.;))
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I've always been fond of fairytales. Now, some say fairytales are lies, pure fantasy, and, to be sure, there are some that are. However, just as surely, there are some fairytales that are rooted in truth, symbolism for what happened to someone eons ago, once upon a time. True fairytales are based on stakes of chance, odds that add up to create a rare occurrence, a type of lighting that rarely strikes twice. There's a meaning behind the literal to everything.
He gave me hope, but more importantly, he gave me a chance. I never wanted love. Wait, that's not entirely accurate. I pride myself on my honesty, but I pride myself on strength, as well, and I'm not a person who likes to lay her hopes and dreams naked to the world. Possibly deep inside, I did want love; possibly I was lonely sometimes, even though I knew the loneliness was my own doing. It wasn't that I didn't want love (only the tiniest bit); I really just didn't expect it.
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I didn't discover I was in love with him, or rather, I choose not to discover it. Self will's a powerful thing. It's not that it just "happened" overnight, but rather that I had my back turned to what was happening until he spun me around to face it.
It began one morning in summer, much to my chagrin. There are those that love the morning, who are inspired by the crickets chirping and birds humming and all that silly nonsense to begin their day at 5:00 sharp. I am not one of those crazy few. I hate mornings with a passion. This is the reason why I make a point of never waking up before at least 11:30, a point I had strictly adhered to until today.
Today of all days I woke up to the sound of not one, not two, but three roosters crowing. Bleary eyed, I turned to stare the ordinate clock mounted on the wall beside my bed. 5:00 on the dot. Several not printable exclamations running through my head, I stumbled out of bed and got dressed. Yes, it's the country, and yes, I have gotten use to the inevitability of strange noises at wee hours of the morning (I live with Rock, for goodness sake), but really, since when does anyone own roosters?
By the time I got downstairs, nearly tripping over my own high impact, heavy duration tennis shoes worn to prevent just such klutziness, I was in the mood to strangle both said fowl and owner.
Eating my breakfast (or, more like, falling into it and occasionally having some morsel hit my mouth), I went outside, ready to have serious words with whoever was unfortunate enough to cross my path.
I sat down on the bench down by the river, sulking. The morning, I admitted after a few minutes, was a beautiful sight, full of lavender and pink hues that colored the sky like a halfhearted kid with crayons, and clouds that reminded me of cotton candy on a warm day, looking about to melt from the heat into the swirl of colors that surrounded them.
I was beginning to forget momentarily about the horror of waking up early, and getting a total of three hours of sleep, my bad mood turned upside down the minute I began to observe nature, a familiar hobby of mine. Like a book, it was so easy to get lost in the small pieces that made up the puzzle of the world around me.
A leaf might have been just a leaf, a flower just a flower, but every day there were subtle changes to the landscape, if you looked closely enough to see them. "Stopping to smell the roses", so to speak, brought me outside of myself. Leaving behind whoever I was, I became part of the rhythm of the earth itself, and it gave me a sense of....peace.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Focused on the reflection of the sky in the water, I had blocked out the noise of the rooster's incessant crowing, but this new noise broke my reverie. I swiveled around to glare at the offender, who turned out to be none other than Rock, running to return home before his parents woke up and noticed he'd been out all night, once again. My glare was lost on Rock, as, shooting by me; he gave me a hasty wave and sprinted towards the inn.
Nodding in reply, I returned to my gazing. Rock is one of those few people who it just doesn't serve to stay upset with. He's so..unsatisfying..to lose your temper at, because you can glare at him for hours, and all he will do is ignore you. Rock certainly didn't appreciate the subtleties in life, but that's what happens when you eat a few too many of the harvest sprite's mushrooms.
My muscles relaxed, my head began to droop towards my abdomen. Ah, peace and quiet..maybe mornings weren't so very bad, after all...
Thump Thump Thump. Splash. Creak. WOOOHOO!
This din was followed by the crows of four very unrepentant roosters. Not again.
All my grumpiness came back over me in a flash, temporarily forgotten wrath back in its proper place, directed towards stupid animals and stupid people.
I turned around, yet once more, to glare at...Jack?
"Hey Nami!"
"Don't be so eager just to say hi."
Hair tussled, no sleep in his eyes, and a grin that stretched from ear to ear, Jack held aloft a gigantic fish proudly, not deterred in the slightest.
"Check out what I caught! A sharkshark, isn't that awesome? "
There should be laws against people being so chirpy so early in the morning. The fish, water dripping off it into Jack's hands, was a fine specimen, and I stored away the fact that Jack was a good fisherman for future reference, but Jack wasn't going to get off that scotch free. Especially not if he was responsible for the crime I thought he was.
I dismissed the fish with a shrug. Jack's face fell a bit, and I had to fight off the compliment that threatened to rise in my throat. I don't give compliments as often as others, mostly because compliments are usually nothing but flattery and I don't set store in that, but when a compliment was deserved...
I felt confused. I usually did around Jack. Since when did I have to fight off words?
Clearing my mind, I got to the point, as usual.
"You wouldn't happen to own any chickens, would you?"
Looking a tad surprised at the change of topic, Jack put his fish carefully in his backpack, and answered my question.
"Actually, yeah, I do. Ordered them from Takakura about a week ago, and just got them today. Four of them."
"Roosters?"
Jack's face suddenly showed comprehension.
"And here I thought you were just deciding to grace me with your presence. Guess not. Usually I don't see you until around noon." Jack grinned disarmingly. "Those roosters do have some use, after all."
"Do they not understand the concept of time?" I snapped, and then somewhat regretted it.
"Only my weird concept of time, which happens, to, you know, run around a clock." Jack gave me a wink.
"Five in the morning does not count as time on a clock."
"Been awhile since you read that hour on your alarm, isn't it? I have to admit, I certainly didn't expect to see you so early in the morning."
"I didn't expect to see me, either."
"Ah, Nami, don't be such a grouch."
Jack sat next to me on the bench. I fidgeted in shock, his body warmth entirely too near for comfort. I was in a rotten mood, and I had just done my equivalent of telling him to get away. Sarcasm never failed, except for apparently, with Jack. Even Rock would have taken the hint and at least moved off a distance off a few feet and pretended to be absorbed in something shiny, but oh no, not Jack.
It was highly frustrating, and sort of endearing.
Ugh. What on earth am I saying?
Cocka Doodle Dooo!
"......." I glowered at the direction of Jack's farm.
"Alright, alright," Jack conceded. "Maybe it is just a tad irritating."
"Very irritating."
Jack glanced directly at me, and I restrained from fidgeting more. What was the whole purpose of having hair combed in your face if not to keep people from just such direct eye contact?
"Gosh, you look tired."
No kidding. "Didn't sleep much."
"Why? I mean, besides the roosters. I've seen you at three in the morning on this very same bench before. "
"I just didn't."
The questions were becoming uncomfortable. What to say, that late at night was when I could really think about things, the only time I could truly be alone? I wasn't exactly surrounded by people all day, but there was something about being up late, it made you feel special, more alive and grown up somehow, knowing that while everyone else was snoring, you were discovering what they were missing.
"Oh. Well, you're missing out, you know."
"What, on your company?"
Jack shook his head, still grinning. He was definitely stubborn; I could say that much for him. The guy had been talking to me every day since we were first introduced, a troublesome stone in the stream of fate. The first day Jack came to speak to me, I gave a four worded response to his enthusiastic greeting, but the next day, regular as the sun, he was there to chat with me and give me a gift. It was a bouquet of flowers. Not allowing him to see that I was amused, I told him in no uncertain words of my hatred of flowers. So what happens the next day after that one? He's there again, with another present.
It just kept going on. Eventually, he found out what I liked, except for, apparently, the matter of crowing roosters at five.
"What you're missing out on is this."
Jack gestured to the world at large, hand coming within inches of my face. I flinched slightly. It wasn't that I wasn't used to such human contact, Ruby hugged me often, and my father, before his little rose had become a thorn in his side, hadn't been unkind in his show of affection, either, but there was something different about this with Jack. Did I wish he would hug me? I frowned, thinking about it. Loneliness had been my choice, and while I occasionally longed for human company, not being constantly around people was more of a plus than a minus.
Jack, apparently thinking that I didn't understand, clarified. "I mean all the things that make a morning a, well, morning. The sun not quite up," Jack smirked, "most other people not quite up,-"
"-Roosters," I commented.
Jack clutched his heart. "Oh, ouch. That wounds. Really, you ought to give the creatures a chance. The little guys really aren't so bad, you know."
Rustling in his backpack for a minute, Jack pulled out a dish covered in foil with a dramatic flourish. "In fact, if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have been able to make this great dish for you."
He handed it to me, his thumb briefly hitting my pinkie in a gesture that would have been awkward, if it hadn't been making me feel other things.
"Egg Salad?"
"Yep, made with fresh eggs from said annoying fowl."
I looked at it appraisingly. For something cooked by a guy, it looked surprisingly decent. For starters, it wasn't any funny colors, and didn't appear to involve pieces of hair. I took out the spoon and gave it a taste. It tasted pretty good. I took another bite, and then another, a smile breaking out across my face before I realized it.
I was going to school my face back to nonchalance before Jack could catch my positive expression, but Jack had already seen my smile and responded with a toothy grin of his own, saying, "That's all the approval I need."
It was weird how the guy could smile so much, but yet none of his smiles were the same. This one was so infectious; I couldn't help holding my own smile a bit longer. Rock smiled often, as well, but Rock, it seemed, had a nervous sort of happiness about him, something that made you jumpy and gave you a headache all at the same time. Jack, on the other hand, possessed a calm sort of happiness, the kind that you wanted to be around because it gave you a feeling of comfort, like falling into your favorite worn out chair.
The thing about him, I think, is that he doesn't force his happiness on anybody (though it's hard to stay pissed off around him for very long).
We sat silently for awhile, no sense of rush or nervousness to it. It was nice for a change. Usually, when I am silent around people, they feel ill at ease, and there's this fidgetiness to their discomfort, as if they don't know what to do if they aren't busy with words. Our silence, however, was dismissed when a strange sort of "guh" noise issues forth from Jack's stomach.
I stare at him. "Hungry?"
"Heh, yeah. I didn't eat any break-"
Realizing he was about to reveal all, Jack shut up, but it was too late. When you are quiet like me, it really helps to tune your observation skills.
I pushed the plate of food back at Jack, my appetite gone. "Here. You need it more than I do."
Jack pushed it back towards me. "Nah, really, I'm fine. I ate a mushroom earlier."
"A harvest sprite's mushroom?"
Jack refused to answer, but his face spelled guilt in capital letters. That was it. I all but dumped the plate in Jack's lap.
"Eat."
"But I really intended it as a present...Well, okay, I'll eat just a little, but not unless you eat some more, too."
We took turns eating off of the fork, falling into silence again for awhile as we watched the sun rise and listened to the sounds of Vesta yelling at some hapless soul, quite possibly a vegetable.
I love silence, not constantly, but I feel no need to speak when I know I have nothing to say. The trouble is that people read into silence what they want. They jump to their own conclusions, and I let them. The words I say when I am not silent only serve to drive more people away, and maybe that's partially my intention.
Every now and then, though, I can't help but feel a little lonely, in spite of the fact that the pluses of not always being around people or having a ton of friends often outweigh the minuses. I convey a lot of my personality in silences, but few bother to listen.
Once we had wiped the plate clean, I broke the silence.
"You're really a pretty good cook, you know that?"
The words tumbled out before I could stop them, though my effort to stop them was only half-hearted. To my horror, I giggled. Babies giggle. Girls with their weight favoring their upper proportions giggle. Women obsessed with mysteries like color coordination giggle. I do NOT giggle. Now do you understand why I don't get up in the mornings?
My face felt hot. It was a good thing there wasn't a mirror in sight, because if I had known I was blushing at all, I would have turned even redder.
"Yeah, watch out, Ruby," Jack joked.
"Not that good."
"Heh. She's hard to live up to." Jack looked at me, his face suddenly serious. He wasn't smiling. I considered checking the sky to make sure it hadn't turned purple. "Look, Nami, I don't know what happened in the past, and I'm not going to pry, but you're lucky to have her and Tim now."
"I wish I could show them," I trailed off quietly, studying my fingernails, bitten to the nubs. I hadn't planned on telling him as much, and it made me feel vulnerable and skittish, my mind possessed of two opposing desires.
Jack spoke slowly, in a way that made me feel he was talking about more than just Ruby and Tim. It gave me relief, ended an argument within me I didn't even realize I had.
"I think living with someone is a big enough sign of your commitment. You don't really need words or actions, do you? They know."
"Gracing them with my presence?"
The question came out sarcastically when I had intended it to be light.
"Yeah, something like that,"- Jack shook his head-"but you shouldn't say it that way, as if you're something they have to put up with; unwanted. You're not."
"That's not the opinion of most of the town." I nearly put my hands up to my mouth after speaking, wanting to take back what I have said and protect what little self-preserve I have left, but at the same time, glad that the words have come out.
Jack deliberated before answering. "You're so sure of yourself. It's like..you've got this big space around that turns solid, and no one can walk through it unless they want to run their head up against a wall. People get intimidated."
"They aren't worth my time," I said harshly, feeling somehow betrayed on the inside. I stood up, trying to focus on a shrub on the ground, but seeing nothing.
Jack grabbed my arm. "No, please wait. I didn't say-I'm not one of them. Don't you see that I-I'm trying to help?"
I stood with my arms crossed. "I don't want to be helped. This is who I am."
"I never said I wanted you to be different. I like you just fine. You're honest, and you're true to whom you are, neither of which are easy things to be. It's just..you don't seem to be being honest on the inside. You keep telling yourself that they don't matter, I think, but deep down they do."
I blinked, hating the feeling I had inside. "...."
Jack patted the seat next to him, and I reluctantly sat, still focused on the shrub of earlier, and still not noticing a single detail about it. Of all the times for my power of focus to leave me, this was the absolute worst.
"I've never heard you say so much, "said Jack, "but now I look at your face, and your face says so much more. For what my opinion's worth-and when you weigh it next to yours, it may not be much- I will always stick by you."
"Why?" Why would you do that to yourself?
"Because, Nami, you, in your ever so careful attention to every detail of the weather, of your books, of other people, you somehow managed to miss me."
Jack voice was low and certain, a certainty that brought my head up, if not to look at him, at least to look at the grain of the wood on the bench.
"I would do it to myself for something as simple as that smile you gave me earlier, that laugh. You are honest about others, but I don't see that same honesty for yourself. You're scared, of what, I have no clue. You are quiet and you are honest, but that's not all you are. You don't let them in."
It's not in me to let them in, to tell them of how my father turned me out when I couldn't get a job to support him. The sensible part of me understood why my father did it, that he didn't have the extra money to take care of me, especially if I wouldn't support the family. The emotional part bled.
"They don't need to know."
"No," answered Jack. "No, they don't need to know everything, but you give them nothing except for a name."
"It's better that way."
"You're lonely."
I want to exclaim No, I'm not, but something holds me back. The words don't have complete truth to them. "If I was surrounded by people, I wouldn't have time for all the things I love, for reading, for nature, for cooking, for carving."
Each word I tell him about myself makes me a bit more fragile, but each word makes me, a girl who sometimes feels nothing but a shadow of observation, feel more real.
"No wonder you always like those human statues. But you miss people sometimes."
"Sometimes," I admit.
"Why don't you trust anyone?"
I am shocked into looking at him. How does he know? I decided not to ask. I also decided to tell him more of my past. I had already jumped off the cliff, no reason to stop mid-flight.
"I trusted someone once."
"Can I ask who?"
"My father."
"Do you want to say what happened? You won't tell me if you don't want to, but I might as well ask."
I briefly considered, but it was too big an outpouring right then. Inhibition was coming back to me.
"Eventually, but not now."
"I understand." Jack's eyes held my own, and if my own eyes had wandered, I had no doubt that his would have followed. "Not everyone's like your father."
"Some are."
"Well, yeah, obviously, but just because a select few are doesn't mean they all are. Give the town and people a chance."
"It's hard to."
"When I first came here, from the city, I certainly didn't want to give these people a chance, either. I had all these stereotypes for them in my head the minute my train dropped me off here, but now...you have all blown those stereotypes away."
Jack's hand made a quick darting movement and grabbed my own. If had been attached to a spring, I would have gone straight to the limits of the sky. His hand held mine in only a loose grip, I could have withdrawn my hand easily if I had wanted, but then, I had always had a choice with him. It was ironic, how by giving me the freedom to reject, the freedom to be silent, he had compelled me towards words and acceptance.
"The truth is, Nami, we all want you here to stay, all of us that know you."
Know. It was a little frightening and it made me slightly angry to think anyone could ever completely know me. I had given Jack the ability to hurt, the ability to throw away all the knowledge he had of me, and Jack's previous words rubbed at my sore pride. There is a danger is being totally defined, for such sharp, swiftly drawn lines miss those intangible things that refuse to be outlined, and hint at an inescapable future pain. I have my secrets.
"You think you know exactly who I am, then?" I asked.
Jack's words send my anxieties spiraling back down from the back of my throat. "Definitely not, but I feel I have gotten to know you better, through your silences and your words, and so do they."
I felt a sense of exhilaration and accomplishment on the inside, taking the place where I was once unsure, my two opposite desires becoming one. I had made the right decision after all, the decision towards him.
"We see a girl worth sticking by forever. A girl with honesty, creativity, individuality, a good heart, a strong will, and brilliant mind."
I clutch his hand ever so slightly tighter, the rest of the world, for the first time, a backdrop to my real life. Fairytales may come, and fairytales may go, the sun may rise and fall, but this, now, this was happening to me in the present, not in the past or the future.
"We?" I ask, knowing the answer, but wanting to hear it anyway.
"I."
There is no reply I need to give to that...yet. There's patience to time now, a certainty that what needs to happen will happen, what I still haven't told him I will, one word at a time. For now, I am content in silence, and he doesn't seem to mind, holding my hand. I find myself observing the intricacies of a human being's appearance rather than nature. Jack's hand has a number of calluses, and it feels tough and cushiony, as if you could stick a few thorns in it and it would accommodate them with ease. Rather like the guy himself.
"Thank you," I say eventually, and then, with a half raise of the lips (not a smile, really!), "You aren't so bad, yourself."
Jack smiles a smile I haven't seen before, and that's all the response that I could want. For another hour or so, we just sat on the bench that way, hand in hand. He didn't attempt to make it anything more, but I still waited for the trapped feeling I feared, the feeling that a decision, once made, cannot be reversed. However, no such feeling arrived. Possibly I was caged at last, but I couldn't feel freer, and whether I chose to fly away or stay, my cage was created of a substance unconditional.
He rose at last from the bench, reluctantly, and not letting go of my hand, so that I had to rise up with him. "I've got to go water my crops, and get my shipments ready for Van, but I hope to see you later."
"You don't mind my quiet?" Every now and then, I have to make sure again, when a little bit of doubt starts to creep in.
"I never thought your quiet was aimed at me. It's nice. Kind of peaceful and calm. Homey-like." Jack considered. "Well, except for when I first came up to you this morning. That one said 'you and your roosters are going down," loud and clear."
The beginnings of a smile crept unto my face, as I remembered how disgruntled those silly animals had made me, and how I had been thisclose to eating a chicken fillet very slowly and pointedly in front of Jack. Still might do it, at that, just for kicks.
Jack saw the smile as soon as it threatened to start, and coaxed it all the way out. "There it comes again! You know, I'm glad you don't smile so often. It makes it so much nicer because I know it comes from the heart."
"You had better get going, or you'll never get around to things, "I said, not unkindly.
"Yeah, you're right," Jack agreed, and walked off. He was just about to reach the inn when he changes his mind and comes jogging back. Standing in front of me, he turned sheepish, dragging his toe in the dirt.
"Um, hey, you used up all your words for today? Because I was wondering if maybe, you would like to come and ah, see..."
I didn't know what he would ask, but it didn't matter, whatever it was, I'd go see it. Of course, it's was no fun if I didn't keep him guessing. I suppose it is just my nature to test people, for though he had lessened my doubt bit by bit, it's was still there, I was still unsure that I have found someone who will not break my trust. The people who stick with me through whatever trials I give them, through all that I am, they are the ones who I stick with, myself. Jack said he will stick by me always, but I had to know.
"Maybe," I said.
"I didn't finish telling you what yet."
"My answer is still maybe."
"Well, since your answer is maybe, and if it by chance it changes to a yes, then I'll come and pick you up at eight tomorrow morning and we can walk there."
With his confidence, Jack made me yet more positive of having made the right decision. Just maybe he would truly be a person to stick by me, as he said. For his sake, and secretly for mine, I hoped with all I possess that he was. He did not know all of me, but he understood me, and that, to me, was more important than knowing every memory, every detail of each other's lives.
"....." I responded to him, wrinkling my nose.
"I would say eight at night, instead, but those roosters will wake you up again tomorrow, and I dare say you'll be ready to glare daggers some more. I want to make sure I'm your target."
"Mornings aren't so bad," I said, thinking all the while, but those roosters sure are.
"That's the spirit!" said Jack enthusiastically. "I'll bring you a large cup of coffee tomorrow-"
I raised one eyebrow. He better not be going hungry again for his idea of chivalry. I really don't need presents.
"-For us, to share, I promise," finished Jack.
Jack looked at his watch and shook his head. "Alright, now I really have to go. Otherwise, Van's might break Ruby's fold-out lawn chair again, and I hate to miss it."
Jack's voice turned quiet. "And hey, what you told me today, Nami, I won't tell a soul. I could promise not to, but I don't think you believe in promises very much right now, so I'll tell you something about me that I've never told anyone before and then we are even, either both of us get hurt or neither one of us does."
Jack leaned towards me confidentially. "I snore, I saw a yeti in the forest the other night and ran way, and I talk to all my animals as if they could understand, but only when no one's looking."
I blink, slightly overwhelmed, but grateful.
Jack waves and walks away. "See you at eight!"
I wave back, not bothering to correct him that I said only maybe. Perhaps hope isn't such a foolish thing after all. He had bothered to look where few would, behind the words, beyond my honesty to lies I had created simply by staying silent.
~ Behind the words, a heart trembles. Behind the words, a soul bleeds. Behind the words, a personality lies. Behind the words, I am. ~ The end
.
************ A/N=Finally, I got the new Harvest Moon game for gamecube, and finally, after about a week of nonstop playing, I'm about to get married to Nami. Yay! Anyhow, here's a story for all you Nami lovers out there. (Yeah, I see you guys trying to hide.;))
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I've always been fond of fairytales. Now, some say fairytales are lies, pure fantasy, and, to be sure, there are some that are. However, just as surely, there are some fairytales that are rooted in truth, symbolism for what happened to someone eons ago, once upon a time. True fairytales are based on stakes of chance, odds that add up to create a rare occurrence, a type of lighting that rarely strikes twice. There's a meaning behind the literal to everything.
He gave me hope, but more importantly, he gave me a chance. I never wanted love. Wait, that's not entirely accurate. I pride myself on my honesty, but I pride myself on strength, as well, and I'm not a person who likes to lay her hopes and dreams naked to the world. Possibly deep inside, I did want love; possibly I was lonely sometimes, even though I knew the loneliness was my own doing. It wasn't that I didn't want love (only the tiniest bit); I really just didn't expect it.
********
I didn't discover I was in love with him, or rather, I choose not to discover it. Self will's a powerful thing. It's not that it just "happened" overnight, but rather that I had my back turned to what was happening until he spun me around to face it.
It began one morning in summer, much to my chagrin. There are those that love the morning, who are inspired by the crickets chirping and birds humming and all that silly nonsense to begin their day at 5:00 sharp. I am not one of those crazy few. I hate mornings with a passion. This is the reason why I make a point of never waking up before at least 11:30, a point I had strictly adhered to until today.
Today of all days I woke up to the sound of not one, not two, but three roosters crowing. Bleary eyed, I turned to stare the ordinate clock mounted on the wall beside my bed. 5:00 on the dot. Several not printable exclamations running through my head, I stumbled out of bed and got dressed. Yes, it's the country, and yes, I have gotten use to the inevitability of strange noises at wee hours of the morning (I live with Rock, for goodness sake), but really, since when does anyone own roosters?
By the time I got downstairs, nearly tripping over my own high impact, heavy duration tennis shoes worn to prevent just such klutziness, I was in the mood to strangle both said fowl and owner.
Eating my breakfast (or, more like, falling into it and occasionally having some morsel hit my mouth), I went outside, ready to have serious words with whoever was unfortunate enough to cross my path.
I sat down on the bench down by the river, sulking. The morning, I admitted after a few minutes, was a beautiful sight, full of lavender and pink hues that colored the sky like a halfhearted kid with crayons, and clouds that reminded me of cotton candy on a warm day, looking about to melt from the heat into the swirl of colors that surrounded them.
I was beginning to forget momentarily about the horror of waking up early, and getting a total of three hours of sleep, my bad mood turned upside down the minute I began to observe nature, a familiar hobby of mine. Like a book, it was so easy to get lost in the small pieces that made up the puzzle of the world around me.
A leaf might have been just a leaf, a flower just a flower, but every day there were subtle changes to the landscape, if you looked closely enough to see them. "Stopping to smell the roses", so to speak, brought me outside of myself. Leaving behind whoever I was, I became part of the rhythm of the earth itself, and it gave me a sense of....peace.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Focused on the reflection of the sky in the water, I had blocked out the noise of the rooster's incessant crowing, but this new noise broke my reverie. I swiveled around to glare at the offender, who turned out to be none other than Rock, running to return home before his parents woke up and noticed he'd been out all night, once again. My glare was lost on Rock, as, shooting by me; he gave me a hasty wave and sprinted towards the inn.
Nodding in reply, I returned to my gazing. Rock is one of those few people who it just doesn't serve to stay upset with. He's so..unsatisfying..to lose your temper at, because you can glare at him for hours, and all he will do is ignore you. Rock certainly didn't appreciate the subtleties in life, but that's what happens when you eat a few too many of the harvest sprite's mushrooms.
My muscles relaxed, my head began to droop towards my abdomen. Ah, peace and quiet..maybe mornings weren't so very bad, after all...
Thump Thump Thump. Splash. Creak. WOOOHOO!
This din was followed by the crows of four very unrepentant roosters. Not again.
All my grumpiness came back over me in a flash, temporarily forgotten wrath back in its proper place, directed towards stupid animals and stupid people.
I turned around, yet once more, to glare at...Jack?
"Hey Nami!"
"Don't be so eager just to say hi."
Hair tussled, no sleep in his eyes, and a grin that stretched from ear to ear, Jack held aloft a gigantic fish proudly, not deterred in the slightest.
"Check out what I caught! A sharkshark, isn't that awesome? "
There should be laws against people being so chirpy so early in the morning. The fish, water dripping off it into Jack's hands, was a fine specimen, and I stored away the fact that Jack was a good fisherman for future reference, but Jack wasn't going to get off that scotch free. Especially not if he was responsible for the crime I thought he was.
I dismissed the fish with a shrug. Jack's face fell a bit, and I had to fight off the compliment that threatened to rise in my throat. I don't give compliments as often as others, mostly because compliments are usually nothing but flattery and I don't set store in that, but when a compliment was deserved...
I felt confused. I usually did around Jack. Since when did I have to fight off words?
Clearing my mind, I got to the point, as usual.
"You wouldn't happen to own any chickens, would you?"
Looking a tad surprised at the change of topic, Jack put his fish carefully in his backpack, and answered my question.
"Actually, yeah, I do. Ordered them from Takakura about a week ago, and just got them today. Four of them."
"Roosters?"
Jack's face suddenly showed comprehension.
"And here I thought you were just deciding to grace me with your presence. Guess not. Usually I don't see you until around noon." Jack grinned disarmingly. "Those roosters do have some use, after all."
"Do they not understand the concept of time?" I snapped, and then somewhat regretted it.
"Only my weird concept of time, which happens, to, you know, run around a clock." Jack gave me a wink.
"Five in the morning does not count as time on a clock."
"Been awhile since you read that hour on your alarm, isn't it? I have to admit, I certainly didn't expect to see you so early in the morning."
"I didn't expect to see me, either."
"Ah, Nami, don't be such a grouch."
Jack sat next to me on the bench. I fidgeted in shock, his body warmth entirely too near for comfort. I was in a rotten mood, and I had just done my equivalent of telling him to get away. Sarcasm never failed, except for apparently, with Jack. Even Rock would have taken the hint and at least moved off a distance off a few feet and pretended to be absorbed in something shiny, but oh no, not Jack.
It was highly frustrating, and sort of endearing.
Ugh. What on earth am I saying?
Cocka Doodle Dooo!
"......." I glowered at the direction of Jack's farm.
"Alright, alright," Jack conceded. "Maybe it is just a tad irritating."
"Very irritating."
Jack glanced directly at me, and I restrained from fidgeting more. What was the whole purpose of having hair combed in your face if not to keep people from just such direct eye contact?
"Gosh, you look tired."
No kidding. "Didn't sleep much."
"Why? I mean, besides the roosters. I've seen you at three in the morning on this very same bench before. "
"I just didn't."
The questions were becoming uncomfortable. What to say, that late at night was when I could really think about things, the only time I could truly be alone? I wasn't exactly surrounded by people all day, but there was something about being up late, it made you feel special, more alive and grown up somehow, knowing that while everyone else was snoring, you were discovering what they were missing.
"Oh. Well, you're missing out, you know."
"What, on your company?"
Jack shook his head, still grinning. He was definitely stubborn; I could say that much for him. The guy had been talking to me every day since we were first introduced, a troublesome stone in the stream of fate. The first day Jack came to speak to me, I gave a four worded response to his enthusiastic greeting, but the next day, regular as the sun, he was there to chat with me and give me a gift. It was a bouquet of flowers. Not allowing him to see that I was amused, I told him in no uncertain words of my hatred of flowers. So what happens the next day after that one? He's there again, with another present.
It just kept going on. Eventually, he found out what I liked, except for, apparently, the matter of crowing roosters at five.
"What you're missing out on is this."
Jack gestured to the world at large, hand coming within inches of my face. I flinched slightly. It wasn't that I wasn't used to such human contact, Ruby hugged me often, and my father, before his little rose had become a thorn in his side, hadn't been unkind in his show of affection, either, but there was something different about this with Jack. Did I wish he would hug me? I frowned, thinking about it. Loneliness had been my choice, and while I occasionally longed for human company, not being constantly around people was more of a plus than a minus.
Jack, apparently thinking that I didn't understand, clarified. "I mean all the things that make a morning a, well, morning. The sun not quite up," Jack smirked, "most other people not quite up,-"
"-Roosters," I commented.
Jack clutched his heart. "Oh, ouch. That wounds. Really, you ought to give the creatures a chance. The little guys really aren't so bad, you know."
Rustling in his backpack for a minute, Jack pulled out a dish covered in foil with a dramatic flourish. "In fact, if it weren't for them, I wouldn't have been able to make this great dish for you."
He handed it to me, his thumb briefly hitting my pinkie in a gesture that would have been awkward, if it hadn't been making me feel other things.
"Egg Salad?"
"Yep, made with fresh eggs from said annoying fowl."
I looked at it appraisingly. For something cooked by a guy, it looked surprisingly decent. For starters, it wasn't any funny colors, and didn't appear to involve pieces of hair. I took out the spoon and gave it a taste. It tasted pretty good. I took another bite, and then another, a smile breaking out across my face before I realized it.
I was going to school my face back to nonchalance before Jack could catch my positive expression, but Jack had already seen my smile and responded with a toothy grin of his own, saying, "That's all the approval I need."
It was weird how the guy could smile so much, but yet none of his smiles were the same. This one was so infectious; I couldn't help holding my own smile a bit longer. Rock smiled often, as well, but Rock, it seemed, had a nervous sort of happiness about him, something that made you jumpy and gave you a headache all at the same time. Jack, on the other hand, possessed a calm sort of happiness, the kind that you wanted to be around because it gave you a feeling of comfort, like falling into your favorite worn out chair.
The thing about him, I think, is that he doesn't force his happiness on anybody (though it's hard to stay pissed off around him for very long).
We sat silently for awhile, no sense of rush or nervousness to it. It was nice for a change. Usually, when I am silent around people, they feel ill at ease, and there's this fidgetiness to their discomfort, as if they don't know what to do if they aren't busy with words. Our silence, however, was dismissed when a strange sort of "guh" noise issues forth from Jack's stomach.
I stare at him. "Hungry?"
"Heh, yeah. I didn't eat any break-"
Realizing he was about to reveal all, Jack shut up, but it was too late. When you are quiet like me, it really helps to tune your observation skills.
I pushed the plate of food back at Jack, my appetite gone. "Here. You need it more than I do."
Jack pushed it back towards me. "Nah, really, I'm fine. I ate a mushroom earlier."
"A harvest sprite's mushroom?"
Jack refused to answer, but his face spelled guilt in capital letters. That was it. I all but dumped the plate in Jack's lap.
"Eat."
"But I really intended it as a present...Well, okay, I'll eat just a little, but not unless you eat some more, too."
We took turns eating off of the fork, falling into silence again for awhile as we watched the sun rise and listened to the sounds of Vesta yelling at some hapless soul, quite possibly a vegetable.
I love silence, not constantly, but I feel no need to speak when I know I have nothing to say. The trouble is that people read into silence what they want. They jump to their own conclusions, and I let them. The words I say when I am not silent only serve to drive more people away, and maybe that's partially my intention.
Every now and then, though, I can't help but feel a little lonely, in spite of the fact that the pluses of not always being around people or having a ton of friends often outweigh the minuses. I convey a lot of my personality in silences, but few bother to listen.
Once we had wiped the plate clean, I broke the silence.
"You're really a pretty good cook, you know that?"
The words tumbled out before I could stop them, though my effort to stop them was only half-hearted. To my horror, I giggled. Babies giggle. Girls with their weight favoring their upper proportions giggle. Women obsessed with mysteries like color coordination giggle. I do NOT giggle. Now do you understand why I don't get up in the mornings?
My face felt hot. It was a good thing there wasn't a mirror in sight, because if I had known I was blushing at all, I would have turned even redder.
"Yeah, watch out, Ruby," Jack joked.
"Not that good."
"Heh. She's hard to live up to." Jack looked at me, his face suddenly serious. He wasn't smiling. I considered checking the sky to make sure it hadn't turned purple. "Look, Nami, I don't know what happened in the past, and I'm not going to pry, but you're lucky to have her and Tim now."
"I wish I could show them," I trailed off quietly, studying my fingernails, bitten to the nubs. I hadn't planned on telling him as much, and it made me feel vulnerable and skittish, my mind possessed of two opposing desires.
Jack spoke slowly, in a way that made me feel he was talking about more than just Ruby and Tim. It gave me relief, ended an argument within me I didn't even realize I had.
"I think living with someone is a big enough sign of your commitment. You don't really need words or actions, do you? They know."
"Gracing them with my presence?"
The question came out sarcastically when I had intended it to be light.
"Yeah, something like that,"- Jack shook his head-"but you shouldn't say it that way, as if you're something they have to put up with; unwanted. You're not."
"That's not the opinion of most of the town." I nearly put my hands up to my mouth after speaking, wanting to take back what I have said and protect what little self-preserve I have left, but at the same time, glad that the words have come out.
Jack deliberated before answering. "You're so sure of yourself. It's like..you've got this big space around that turns solid, and no one can walk through it unless they want to run their head up against a wall. People get intimidated."
"They aren't worth my time," I said harshly, feeling somehow betrayed on the inside. I stood up, trying to focus on a shrub on the ground, but seeing nothing.
Jack grabbed my arm. "No, please wait. I didn't say-I'm not one of them. Don't you see that I-I'm trying to help?"
I stood with my arms crossed. "I don't want to be helped. This is who I am."
"I never said I wanted you to be different. I like you just fine. You're honest, and you're true to whom you are, neither of which are easy things to be. It's just..you don't seem to be being honest on the inside. You keep telling yourself that they don't matter, I think, but deep down they do."
I blinked, hating the feeling I had inside. "...."
Jack patted the seat next to him, and I reluctantly sat, still focused on the shrub of earlier, and still not noticing a single detail about it. Of all the times for my power of focus to leave me, this was the absolute worst.
"I've never heard you say so much, "said Jack, "but now I look at your face, and your face says so much more. For what my opinion's worth-and when you weigh it next to yours, it may not be much- I will always stick by you."
"Why?" Why would you do that to yourself?
"Because, Nami, you, in your ever so careful attention to every detail of the weather, of your books, of other people, you somehow managed to miss me."
Jack voice was low and certain, a certainty that brought my head up, if not to look at him, at least to look at the grain of the wood on the bench.
"I would do it to myself for something as simple as that smile you gave me earlier, that laugh. You are honest about others, but I don't see that same honesty for yourself. You're scared, of what, I have no clue. You are quiet and you are honest, but that's not all you are. You don't let them in."
It's not in me to let them in, to tell them of how my father turned me out when I couldn't get a job to support him. The sensible part of me understood why my father did it, that he didn't have the extra money to take care of me, especially if I wouldn't support the family. The emotional part bled.
"They don't need to know."
"No," answered Jack. "No, they don't need to know everything, but you give them nothing except for a name."
"It's better that way."
"You're lonely."
I want to exclaim No, I'm not, but something holds me back. The words don't have complete truth to them. "If I was surrounded by people, I wouldn't have time for all the things I love, for reading, for nature, for cooking, for carving."
Each word I tell him about myself makes me a bit more fragile, but each word makes me, a girl who sometimes feels nothing but a shadow of observation, feel more real.
"No wonder you always like those human statues. But you miss people sometimes."
"Sometimes," I admit.
"Why don't you trust anyone?"
I am shocked into looking at him. How does he know? I decided not to ask. I also decided to tell him more of my past. I had already jumped off the cliff, no reason to stop mid-flight.
"I trusted someone once."
"Can I ask who?"
"My father."
"Do you want to say what happened? You won't tell me if you don't want to, but I might as well ask."
I briefly considered, but it was too big an outpouring right then. Inhibition was coming back to me.
"Eventually, but not now."
"I understand." Jack's eyes held my own, and if my own eyes had wandered, I had no doubt that his would have followed. "Not everyone's like your father."
"Some are."
"Well, yeah, obviously, but just because a select few are doesn't mean they all are. Give the town and people a chance."
"It's hard to."
"When I first came here, from the city, I certainly didn't want to give these people a chance, either. I had all these stereotypes for them in my head the minute my train dropped me off here, but now...you have all blown those stereotypes away."
Jack's hand made a quick darting movement and grabbed my own. If had been attached to a spring, I would have gone straight to the limits of the sky. His hand held mine in only a loose grip, I could have withdrawn my hand easily if I had wanted, but then, I had always had a choice with him. It was ironic, how by giving me the freedom to reject, the freedom to be silent, he had compelled me towards words and acceptance.
"The truth is, Nami, we all want you here to stay, all of us that know you."
Know. It was a little frightening and it made me slightly angry to think anyone could ever completely know me. I had given Jack the ability to hurt, the ability to throw away all the knowledge he had of me, and Jack's previous words rubbed at my sore pride. There is a danger is being totally defined, for such sharp, swiftly drawn lines miss those intangible things that refuse to be outlined, and hint at an inescapable future pain. I have my secrets.
"You think you know exactly who I am, then?" I asked.
Jack's words send my anxieties spiraling back down from the back of my throat. "Definitely not, but I feel I have gotten to know you better, through your silences and your words, and so do they."
I felt a sense of exhilaration and accomplishment on the inside, taking the place where I was once unsure, my two opposite desires becoming one. I had made the right decision after all, the decision towards him.
"We see a girl worth sticking by forever. A girl with honesty, creativity, individuality, a good heart, a strong will, and brilliant mind."
I clutch his hand ever so slightly tighter, the rest of the world, for the first time, a backdrop to my real life. Fairytales may come, and fairytales may go, the sun may rise and fall, but this, now, this was happening to me in the present, not in the past or the future.
"We?" I ask, knowing the answer, but wanting to hear it anyway.
"I."
There is no reply I need to give to that...yet. There's patience to time now, a certainty that what needs to happen will happen, what I still haven't told him I will, one word at a time. For now, I am content in silence, and he doesn't seem to mind, holding my hand. I find myself observing the intricacies of a human being's appearance rather than nature. Jack's hand has a number of calluses, and it feels tough and cushiony, as if you could stick a few thorns in it and it would accommodate them with ease. Rather like the guy himself.
"Thank you," I say eventually, and then, with a half raise of the lips (not a smile, really!), "You aren't so bad, yourself."
Jack smiles a smile I haven't seen before, and that's all the response that I could want. For another hour or so, we just sat on the bench that way, hand in hand. He didn't attempt to make it anything more, but I still waited for the trapped feeling I feared, the feeling that a decision, once made, cannot be reversed. However, no such feeling arrived. Possibly I was caged at last, but I couldn't feel freer, and whether I chose to fly away or stay, my cage was created of a substance unconditional.
He rose at last from the bench, reluctantly, and not letting go of my hand, so that I had to rise up with him. "I've got to go water my crops, and get my shipments ready for Van, but I hope to see you later."
"You don't mind my quiet?" Every now and then, I have to make sure again, when a little bit of doubt starts to creep in.
"I never thought your quiet was aimed at me. It's nice. Kind of peaceful and calm. Homey-like." Jack considered. "Well, except for when I first came up to you this morning. That one said 'you and your roosters are going down," loud and clear."
The beginnings of a smile crept unto my face, as I remembered how disgruntled those silly animals had made me, and how I had been thisclose to eating a chicken fillet very slowly and pointedly in front of Jack. Still might do it, at that, just for kicks.
Jack saw the smile as soon as it threatened to start, and coaxed it all the way out. "There it comes again! You know, I'm glad you don't smile so often. It makes it so much nicer because I know it comes from the heart."
"You had better get going, or you'll never get around to things, "I said, not unkindly.
"Yeah, you're right," Jack agreed, and walked off. He was just about to reach the inn when he changes his mind and comes jogging back. Standing in front of me, he turned sheepish, dragging his toe in the dirt.
"Um, hey, you used up all your words for today? Because I was wondering if maybe, you would like to come and ah, see..."
I didn't know what he would ask, but it didn't matter, whatever it was, I'd go see it. Of course, it's was no fun if I didn't keep him guessing. I suppose it is just my nature to test people, for though he had lessened my doubt bit by bit, it's was still there, I was still unsure that I have found someone who will not break my trust. The people who stick with me through whatever trials I give them, through all that I am, they are the ones who I stick with, myself. Jack said he will stick by me always, but I had to know.
"Maybe," I said.
"I didn't finish telling you what yet."
"My answer is still maybe."
"Well, since your answer is maybe, and if it by chance it changes to a yes, then I'll come and pick you up at eight tomorrow morning and we can walk there."
With his confidence, Jack made me yet more positive of having made the right decision. Just maybe he would truly be a person to stick by me, as he said. For his sake, and secretly for mine, I hoped with all I possess that he was. He did not know all of me, but he understood me, and that, to me, was more important than knowing every memory, every detail of each other's lives.
"....." I responded to him, wrinkling my nose.
"I would say eight at night, instead, but those roosters will wake you up again tomorrow, and I dare say you'll be ready to glare daggers some more. I want to make sure I'm your target."
"Mornings aren't so bad," I said, thinking all the while, but those roosters sure are.
"That's the spirit!" said Jack enthusiastically. "I'll bring you a large cup of coffee tomorrow-"
I raised one eyebrow. He better not be going hungry again for his idea of chivalry. I really don't need presents.
"-For us, to share, I promise," finished Jack.
Jack looked at his watch and shook his head. "Alright, now I really have to go. Otherwise, Van's might break Ruby's fold-out lawn chair again, and I hate to miss it."
Jack's voice turned quiet. "And hey, what you told me today, Nami, I won't tell a soul. I could promise not to, but I don't think you believe in promises very much right now, so I'll tell you something about me that I've never told anyone before and then we are even, either both of us get hurt or neither one of us does."
Jack leaned towards me confidentially. "I snore, I saw a yeti in the forest the other night and ran way, and I talk to all my animals as if they could understand, but only when no one's looking."
I blink, slightly overwhelmed, but grateful.
Jack waves and walks away. "See you at eight!"
I wave back, not bothering to correct him that I said only maybe. Perhaps hope isn't such a foolish thing after all. He had bothered to look where few would, behind the words, beyond my honesty to lies I had created simply by staying silent.
~ Behind the words, a heart trembles. Behind the words, a soul bleeds. Behind the words, a personality lies. Behind the words, I am. ~ The end
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