Standard disclaimers apply I suppose...cause you know if I owned'em they'd be so married or some such nonsense by now!

A/N: Okay, so I don't write fanfiction for crime shows, especially one like criminal minds, because it's really all about the unsub, and the case (villain of the week) and I'm way to invested in the trappings of personal turmoil in my stories to do a good canon fic justice, however, this whole Emily JJ subtext thing is just killing me with plot bunnies and I hate rabbits….so I decided to write. Right now, this is a pseudo one shot, if I decide that it will be longer then it will most definitely become a WIP…I don't have a beta and so whatever mess you see this in well, I am sorry it's late where I come from…

Thoughts of a Dying Agent

"Eerie whispers trapped beneath my pillow you won't let me sleep your memories I know you're in this room"

Thoughts of a Dying Atheist, Muse

Chapter One: What was Rule #1 Again?

Rule 1: Only let them know what they need to know

Rule 2: An arm's length away is to close

Rule 3: Remember Rule number 1

There are things that one must have in order to be successful in life. In no specific order here are a few of these things; integrity, respect, dignity, grace, love, affection and the determination to overcome any and every fucked up thing that may or may not transpire.

Often times you catch yourself wondering if you possess these things, and you realize that sadly you do not.

There is this quote you can't remember who it's by or how it really goes, but you remember it being something like; "God give me the strength to change what I can and the courage to face what I can't and the wisdom to separate the two"

Well princess God isn't here and the universe is laughing at your misfortune. You long for the days when you biggest worry was if you were going to fit in with the team, nearly five years later you assure yourself that you indeed do fit in with this team that you use as a surrogate for a family and that you would do anything in your power to protect them. And you did, you did everything you could to make sure no harm befell them.

Then again it was because you made them your family that they became chess pieces in Ian Doyle's game with you as his opponent. Some nights you sit and wonder if this is really what he wanted in the first place.

He had said that we would take away the only thing that mattered to you, that being your life. And for all intents and purposes he has. You live anonymously with no identity and no real place in the world…

And that's dangerous for you isn't it? Because identity, well that's not something you're very familiar with. Identity, you almost scoff at the word, how long did it take you to create your 'own' identity; As a teenager in Rome, as an adult in DC…?

On the good side you can't lose yourself if you never really knew yourself, the only problem is; there is another human being out there in the universe that knows you, all of you. You wish she didn't, sometimes you think that Garcia is right everything does happen for a reason.

Not seconds after Jennifer Jareau wished you good luck, you wish she hadn't. But she knew better than to say anything more to you,

You remember the day she left the team. Your fear had nothing to do with th fact that you wouldn't be seeing her at work every day, oh no. You were afraid of what she might lean about you. All the naughty little secrets you kept from your team, your 'family' would soon be privy to those beautiful eyes.

You almost considered telling her before she left. Instead you let her sleep; her soft breathing lulling you into the only real restful sleep you would be getting for a long, long time.

And at this moment; eighteen months six days and four hours from the moment that she walked away from you. Leaving you at that little café in Paris, you hate her. You hate her because she loved you back, you hate her because she put ideas of a future together in your head, but you hate yourself most because you let her know you,

And what was rule number one again?

Oh, right only let them know what they need to know…

A/N: So there it is, I'm not gonna lie this is a WIP so I will update what i can when i can...tell me what you think, Reviews make my world go 'round...