AN and Warnings: This story started off as a dumb idea, and I don't believe it has gotten any more intelligent. Read for light entertainment purposes only and expect little sense. There is indeed little sense to be had in a story concerning Visine in Middle-earth.
Warning number two: All characters who appear shall be mostly, if not completely, OOC. With that concluded, let us be on with the show.
Disclaimer: the ideas which I so wantonly mess with belong to Tolkien. The movie-verse, on which this story is based, belongs to New Line Cinemas and Peter Jackson &Co.
Dramatis Personae:
SAURON
MOUTH OF SAURON (does most of the talking for the Master)
DUMB ORCS no. 1, 2, and 3
KURSHU, SNOZGU, and URBOK, street-vendor Orcs
SARUMAN
THEODEN
ARAGORN
UGLUK
SCOUT ORC
The Missing Visine
Being a tale of the War of the Ring and how its outcome was affected by the shortage of Visine in Mordor and the incompetence of Sauron's various minions
SAURON
(Gives an inhuman shriek)
MOUTH OF SAURON
(Listening) The Master has something caught in his Eye… it's a sharp bit of metal.
The MOUTH OF SAURON glares at DUMB ORCS no. 1, 2, and 3, who shrug.
MOUTH OF SAURON
What have you been doing?
DO no. 1
I've not been up there, I swear. That's his job. (Points at DO2)
DO no. 2
Is not! He was the one cleaning the top of the tower! (Points at DO3)
DO no. 3
Now look here, you miserable-
MOUTH OF SAURON
Enough. Now, you might escape punishment if you can find the Master some eye drops to wash out whatever's in there. Who has some Visine?
DO no. 1
I've got some Clear Eyes.
DO no. 1 holds out his small bottle of Clear Eyes, smiling in the most winsome way he knows how.
DO no. 1 (cont'd.)
So, what sort of reward can I expect?
MOUTH OF SAURON
You fool! If the Master had wanted Clear Eyes, he would have asked for it. Don't you know what that does to eyes? It drains all the red out of them. How can the Master frighten anyone with a white Eye?
DO no. 1
Actually, I think a white Eye would be pretty darn-
MOUTH OF SAURON (speaking directly for Sauron)
SHUT UP AND GET THE VISINE! (As he watches DO no. 1 scurry out of Barad-dur's topmost room, he addresses Sauron) I do wish you would not force me to speak in Caps Lock of Doom so often.
DO no. 2
What was that?
MOUTH OF SAURON
Nothing.
Meanwhile, DO no. 1 hurries down the many flights of stairs and finally comes out the massive front doors of Barad-dur, a little woozy from having had to climb down so many spirals. He looks around, wondering where he can get his hands on eye drops. As luck would have it, there are hawkers standing only about fifty feet from the doors, yelling, "Visine! Visine for sale!" They are shouting about other things as well, but after "Visine," DO no. 1 stops listening. He approaches the three vendors.
DO no. 1
Maggots?
KURSHU
(Innocently) Oh, are you talking to us?
DO no. 1
Don't get smart with me, you upstart. Now. Which one of these is Visine?
KURSHU, SNOZGU, and URBOK give each other meaningful looks, then turn to form a huddle.
KURSHU
Let's give 'im the pointy sticks.
SNOZGU
(sniggers) Brilliant.
URBOK
He'll get them stuck in his eye and be a real sight! Wait. Why do we even sell pointy sticks?
KURHSU
I dunno. Snozgu?
SNOZGU
I found a bunch on the ground one day, and before I knew it, people were asking to buy them. Why give things away when you can sell them to stupid Orcs?
KURSHU
Brilliant thinking, boys. Now, keep a straight face.
KURSHU, SNOZGU, and URBOK turn back to DO no. 1.
KURSHU
Now, where were we?
DO no. 1
Which one's the Visine?
KURSHU
Ah, yes. (proffers a few pointy sticks) Here they are.
DO no. 1
(Dubiously) These don't look like eye drops.
KURSHU
They work wonders on sore eyes.
DO no. 1
(Turns to go)
KURSHU
That'll be fifteen coppers.
DO no. 1
Fifteen? For measly eye drops? That's extortion!
KURSHU
If you want the drops, you're gonna have to pay.
DO no. 1
Fine. (drops money into Kurshu's tray and stalks away)
KURSHU
(laughing) What an idiot. (counting the money) Oh, and look here, fellas. The lump can't count, either. He gave us eighteen coppers!
SNOZGU
(Giggles in a manner befitting an Orc)
DO no. 1 goes back up the winding staircases of Barad-dur. When he gets to the top, he strides right through the room where the Mouth of Sauron and DO no. 2 and 3 are playing poker and climbs the ladder to the top of the tower. As he comes out onto the top, he sees the plain of Gorgoroth and all of Mordor stretching out hundreds of feet below him and feels slightly sick. He crawls over until he is right below the Eye, sweating nearly in buckets. Being careful not to make Eye contact, he tosses the sticks up into the Eye and hurries back into the tower room, crossing his fingers.
SAURON
(Inhuman shriek of rage)
MOUTH OF SAURON
(Stands up abruptly, causing his cards to scatter all over the place) What did you do? Oh, wait… the master says to kill the incompetent fool who put pointy sticks into his Eye.
The MOUTH OF SAURON grins wickedly and cuts off DO no. 1's head. He then chucks the body out the window and glares at DO no. 2 and 3.
MOUTH OF SAURON
Well, what are you waiting for? Go get the Master some Visine! And do it right this time.
DO no. 2 scurries off and DO no. 3 feels lucky. As DO no. 2 stumbles dizzily out of the front doors of Barad-dur, he spots Kurshu, Snozgu, and Urbok. He wanders up to them, trying valiantly to appear commanding. The three vendors have put hot sauce in the Visine bottles and put the real Visine into the hot sauce bottles. They fight to keep themselves from sniggering as DO no. 2 approaches.
SNOZGU
(To fellow vendors) This one's mine.
DO no. 2
The Master wants Visine now. Uh… I mean, the Master wants Visine NOW!
SNOZGU
I happen to have some of the last bottles for sale right here. (slaps bottle into DO no. 2's hand)
DO no. 2
Thanks! Hey, wait. How much?
SNOZGU
Thirty coppers.
DO no. 2
(Digging through his pockets)Uh… I only have twenty silvers and five golds.
SNOZGU
I suppose that will do… but just this once.
DO no. 2
Thanks. I owe you one.
SNOZGU
(Laughing hysterically and counting all the money) I wonder what he'd do if he knew he just paid us ten times the price of a bottle of Visine?
KURSHU and URBOK
(Are in stitches)
DO no. 2 runs back up to the tower room to find the Mouth of Sauron and DO no. 3 playing chess. As he enters the room, panting, the Mouth of Sauron stands up and snatches the bottle from his hand.
MOUTH OF SAURON
(Checks the label) Looks like this is in order. (Hands it back to DO no. 2) Now go.
DO no. 2 climbs to the top of the tower, squeezing his eyes shut the whole way. He cracks one eye open just long enough to unscrew the cap from the Visine bottle and pour some into the area of the Eye with the metal bit in it. It doesn't take long for the hot sauce to do its work.
SAURON
(Unholy scream of anger)
DO no. 2 is just about to climb back down the ladder to the tower room when Sauron's scream goes echoing over the plains of Gorgoroth. It scares him so badly that he jumps about a foot to the left and in doing so puts himself hundreds of feet off the ground with nothing supporting his weight. He plummets. In the tower room, the Mouth of Sauron looks out of the window, alarmed at the scream, and is just in time to see DO no. 2 fall right past his head and continue on, plunging to the plain below. As he lands, Kurshu, Snozgu, and Urbok see him smack the ground and lie there in a heap. The Mouth of Sauron sees a small puff of dust.
MOUTH OF SAURON
What was that? I thought he had Visine- (Sauron angrily telepathizes what happened) Hot sauce? Unbelievable. Well, he's just fallen onto the plain, so there's no need to kill him.
SAURON
(Telepathizing) If you had not sent mere Orcs to fetch Visine, I might have been able to see him fall.
MOUTH OF SAURON
(Cringes)
SAURON
(Telepathizing so that both MoS and DO no. 3 can hear him)Get it yourself this time. Either that or use Saruman. At least he can be trusted.
DO no. 3
Oooh! Burn!
MOUTH OF SAURON
Shut up!
The Mouth of Sauron leans out of the tower window, spots the vendors, and shouts down to them.
MOUTH OF SAURON
You there! You sell Visine?
URBOK
Yeah.
MOUTH OF SAURON
Bring us up as much Visine as you have!
URBOK
(To the others) What should I do?
KURSHU
What's he want?
URBOK
The Visine.
KURSHU
We're out.
URBOK
I'll tell him that?
KURSHU
No, really, we're out. The idiot here (indicates Snozgu) just sold our last bottle to Theoden.
URBOK
Why would he need it?
SNOZGU
I think he collects it.
KURSHU
(Shakes his head) Weird.
URBOK
(Shouts up to the Mouth of Sauron) Sorry, sir. We're fresh out.
MOUTH OF SAURON
Excuse me?
URBOK
We just sold the last bottle to Rohan!
MOUTH OF SAURON
(Fumes)
The Mouth of Sauron sweeps down a floor to the palantir room. He calls up Saruman.
SARUMAN
(Through palantir) What does the Eye com- oh, hey, Mouth. What's up?
MOUTH OF SAURON
(Rubs temples) The Master's getting tetchy. He needs Visine because some idiot Orc got a sharp bit of metal into the Eye. There's none to be found in Mordor.
SARUMAN
The Rohirrim have tons of Visine.
MOUTH OF SAURON
So I've heard. Get it and send it to me.
SARUMAN
It's... not that simple.
MOUTH OF SAURON
What do you mean, it's not that simple?
SARUMAN
They've hidden it away in the Glittering Caves.
MOUTH OF SAURON
So break into them!
SARUMAN
I'll have to use my entire army.
MOUTH OF SAURON
Use it.
SARUMAN
That's ten thousand Orcs, you know.
MOUTH OF SAURON
I know.
SARUMAN
All Uruks. I expect to be well paid.
MOUTH OF SAURON
Yes, yes, we'll reimburse you! Now get to it!
SARUMAN
Just what sort of reimbursement are we talking about?
MOUTH OF SAURON
You know, I think there's smoke rising from the Eye now.
SARUMAN
(Takes the hint) That is bad. I'll get right on it.
MOUTH OF SAURON
Do. And, Saruman?
SARUMAN
Yes?
MOUTH OF SAURON
Hurry.
SARUMAN
Hurrying. (Severs the connection)
SARUMAN sends his ten thousand strong URUK-HAI ARMY to attack the Rohirrim at Helm's Deep.
UGLUK
Give up the Visine while you still can!
THEODEN
NEVER!
UGLUK
Charge!
THEODEN
(To himself) You'll never take our Visine. (To the Uruks) You'll never take us alive!
UGLUK & CO. corner Rohirrim in the Glittering Caves.
UGLUK
We've got them and their Visine! Our mission is complete! Sharkey will be proud.
THEODEN bursts out of the caves with ARAGORN & CO.
THEODEN
Over my dead body! FORTH EORLINGAS!
GANDALF & CO. arrive and UGLUK & CO. die.
Some TIME passes. La la la…
MOUTH OF SAURON
(To Saruman through palantir) So, how about that Visine?
SARUMAN
(Harassed) I'm working on it!
RANDOM ORC comes into Saruman's palantir room and gives him a telegram saying that the Battle of Helm's Deep was lost.
SARUMAN
Oh.
MOUTH OF SAURON
"Oh" what?
SARUMAN
My Orcs. . . er. . . sort of. . . well, what I mean to say is, they didn't-
MOUTH OF SAURON (speaking directly for Sauron)
YOU… LOST? (As himself again, to Sauron) Again with the Caps Lock of Doom…
SARUMAN
(Very quietly) Yes.
MOUTH OF SAURON (Speaking directly for Sauron)
(Chuckles evilly) Then I shall kill you. No, wait. I'll let Gandalf deal with you.
SARUMAN
(Horrified) G-Gandalf? But- but he's GRAY!
MOUTH OF SAURON
He's Gandalf the White now.
SARUMAN
He's still beneath me! Oh, the shame! The disgrace! Graaahh… (Severs the connection)
SCOUT ORC comes up to the MOUTH OF SAURON.
SCOUT ORC
My Lord, the Men of the West are at the gates of Mordor.
MOUTH OF SAURON
So kill them. Why have you bothered me with the piffling men of the West?
SCOUT ORC
They claim to have Visine.
MOUTH OF SAURON
(Starts) Get it! Get it from them! Assemble every Orc you can find. I will ride out ahead and meet them. (As Scout Orc leaves, he mutters to himself) Saruman has failed, but I, the Mouth of Sauron, shall not disappoint my master.
The MOUTH OF SAURON rides through the Black Gates and taunts ARAGORN & CO.
MOUTH OF SAURON
Your mother-
ARAGORN
Oh no you didn't! (Slices off the Mouth of Sauron's head)
GOLLUM and THE ONE RING fall into the Fire of Doom. Destruction happens. ARAGORN & CO. kick the bums of the forces of Mordor.
SAURON
(Thinking) No fair! I had something in my Eye! I hate Gondor! All this for some stupid Visine- oh no.
The tower of BARAD-DUR implodes.
SAURON
(Terrible scream of horror)
KURSHU, SNOZGU, and URBOK climb out from underneath the rubble, coughing and dusting themselves off.
SNOZGU
Kurshu, you couldn't just give them the Visine, could you? You had to pull a prank.
KURSHU
Hark who's talking! I wasn't the one who sold the last bottle to Rohan.
URBOK
I didn't even do anything, and look where I am now!
KURSHU
What d'you mean you didn't do anything?
KURSHU, SNOZGU, and URBOK are so engrossed in their mounting argument that they do not pay any attention to their surroundings, and are thusly slain by Mablung and Damrod, Ithilien rangers extraordinaire.
Fin.
AN: I do realize that the Eye is hot enough that any bit of metal that got in it would melt very quickly, but this, as you have seen, is a story that will fall apart if you attempt to apply logic to it.
Here's hoping you enjoyed your read. (Raises glass) Please review. I would be most obliged if you did.