Disclaimer: Actually…I DO PWN SQUARE ENIX. No I don't. Go away.
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He didn't know where he was when he woke up. What he did know, however, that the hard, unforgiving surface he was lying on—the floor—was littered with sticky chip crumbs. And he also realized that as he tried to push himself into a sitting position and pathetically failed, that he had managed to get horrifically twisted and caught in his signature cloak. Vincent sighed heavily, oblivious to the chip crumbs that went up his nose.
"Shut the fuck up, man."
That was Cid. Vincent knew that was Cid.
But he didn't know why Cid was there.
And to add to that, he still didn't know where he was, or why he was lying on the chip-ridden floor, with his cloak wrapped several times over around him, and a deathly tight embrace. Vincent Valentine had been in some tough situations in his past…but somehow this owned over being shot and mutated into a demon vampiristic being by a greasy-haired melon on a stick who stole and impregnated his only love who thereby gave birth to the demonic antichrist of the universe.
Greasy-haired melon on a stick…that was a good one. Vincent found that amusing.
"Hey, stop dicking around and cook me breakfast." Cid growled and kicked the prone, tangled man on the floor.
"Cid, don't be moronic. I'm stuck to the floor."
"That's what you get for being overly pretentious with that fucking gay cape of yours."
"Cid, I'm inhaling stale Doritos. How can I do anything if I'm inhaling Doritos."
So, after weighing the pros and cons of having Vincent stuck to the floor, Cid complied and freed Vincent from his prison of…his cloak. Once upright, the dark-haired man realized instantly where he was. He gasped in sheer horror.
"Cid, who said you could come to my house." Vincent angrily ran his left hand through his hair as he stared at Cid with irritation. He realized his mistake too late as his metal clad claw caught in the tangled mass of his hair. Cid stared at him blankly.
"Just…go make me some breakfast."
A moment of silence passed between them as Vincent tried to surreptitiously remove his metal claw from the confines of his unruly hair. This, of course, only proceeded in getting it more tangled. Of course.
"My hand's stuck. I think I have to go to the hospital." Vincent's monotone was most fitting of the situation.
"You're such a pussy weanie." Cid snarled, and in one fluid motion, mercilessly yanked Vincents arm out from the metal claw. The result was unsettling as Vincent's claw dangled aimlessly from his head, still intricately caught in his hair.
"I hate you." Vincent mildly informed Cid.
"Good. Go make some breakfast."
As it turned out, though, as Vincent peered into the fridge, casually pushing his claw out of his eyes that…his refrigerator had been emptied. Not a speck of food remained. Well…. not quite. There was a slice of moldy bread sitting forlornly in the darkest corner of the refrigerator. Mold seemed to have grown out from the bread and had attached itself to the surrounded areas.
"Cid, my fridge's been raped."
"Well, I was hungry last night."
"Are you saying you raped my fridge?" the look on Vincent's face was that of utmost horror.
"…I ate what was in it."
Vincent looked back from Cid to the fridge, a look of anxiety written across his features. His claw swayed aimlessly. "You could have gotten it pregnant."
"Cook me breakfast." Cid seemed to have forgotten the conversation that had just occurred.
"Well…there's a piece of bread in here."
"Ewwww…" Cid squealed, "it has germs."
"So does your floor, but I'm fine." Vincent said firmly. However, looking over Vincent's wretched figure…Cid wasn't so sure.
"Uh…well, go to the store? And? Buy some food?" Cid suggested in s stroke of brilliance.
"Okay. But I don't have any gil."
"Here, take my life savings. Now buy some breakfast. Make me breakfast." Cid ordered, and pushed 20 gil into Vincent's hand before picking him up and chucking him out the window. The said man expressed his irritation by being thrown out of his house by standing on his head and cursing. Little children screamed as they skipped by.
Righting himself and sticking the 20 gil into his claw, Vincent made off towards the corner store. He figured he'd buy some eggs and bacon. Maybe a banana or too. He was feeling adventurous. Yes, Vincent silently agreed to himself, today looked to be a good day. Despite the rocky start his morning had made, he was determined to enjoy himself as he set out on an adventure to buy eggs and bacon and a banana. Flipping down the street like a ninja, Vincent sang his theme song.
In no time he was at the convenience store. He pushed open the door, and walked inside because that was generally what most people do when they want to enter a building. Even Vincent likes to act like a regular person from time to time.
"Excuse me, " he said, walking up to the cashier—after he had nimbly stepped over a puddle of green goo on the floor—who had his back to him as he stocked the shelves with lollipops, "I need to know where the bread, bacon, and bananas are located. It is imperative that I locate and purchase them." The cashier turned around to answer Vincent's needs.
"The bread's over there, and the bacon's back there. But we don't carry bananas," Sephiroth said apologetically. Vincent blinked.
"You don't have to carry banana's in order to sell them, young man." He informed Sephiroth with only a large hint of condescension in his voice.
"But we don't sell banana's. Like, at all."
Vincent narrowed his eyes dangerously. "Let me speak to your manager."
Sephiroth was puzzled. "Why? Look, man, we don't sell bananas. A supermarket would, though so—"
"You're being racist. Now get me your manager." Vincent demanded. He was not going to let this young whipper-snapper ruin his day. Sephiroth rolled his eyes.
"Whatever man…Dad? DAAAD! DAAAD?" the ex-general yelled, standing on tiptoes to locate where his father might be.
"Excuse me, you're 6'2''. I don't think you need to stand on your toes." Vincent pointed out. Sephiroth ignored him, knowing that if he wanted to, he turn him into a frog. God knows he's done it before.
"Hold on a sec, lemme go find Dad…" Sephiroth mumbled, and stepped out behind the cashier. He wandered down the isle looking behind boxes and containers of food.
"Mom, have you seen Dad?" Sephiroth spoke to the oozing puddle of goo on the floor that Vincent had previously assumed to be spilt jam.
"He's over there." The goo replied in an enigmatic voice, without gesturing to where 'over there' was. Sephiroth, however, seemed to understand and took off towards the frozen dairy compartment.
"Hey. Dad, wake up. A guy wants to speak with you," Sephiroth informed his father who had been resting on the containers of Popsicles and ice cream. Professor Hojo growled incoherently and climbed out. "You're grounded, " he informed his son, "go clean your room."
"I am not," Sephiroth pouted, "you said I could go chill with Cloud today."
"That boy is a bad influence on you, "Hojo declared, adjusting his glasses, "If it were up to me, I'd…turn him into jell-o. And I'd eat him too."
Vincent leapt into the scene with a flourish, "JUST LIKE YOU TURNED ME INTO JELL-O?"
Professor Hojo stared at Vincent, "I didn't turn you into jell-o, moron. I just ruined your life. You're grounded." Vincent frowned.
"Why?"
"Because you have something ridiculous dangling from your scalp. It embarrasses me."
"Dad, you're embarrassing meeeeeeeee." Sephiroth whined.
"Anyway," Vincent got right down to business, remembering why he was here, "I need to buy banana's. It is imperative that I buy a banana. Your son here informed me that he would not sell me a banana—"
"—hey, did not. He's lying, Dad. Seriously—"
"—And so I demanded him to show me to you. Now, SELL ME A BANANA." Vincent ordered.
Sephiroth rolled his eyes. This was moronic. They didn't sell bananas. Good God. The Professor was silent as he peered over his glasses at Vincent.
"Are you implying that my son is a liar?"
"Well…. given past circumstances to pose as examples…yes."
"Ew, Dad, I stepped in Mom again…" Sephiroth called from across the store. He had apparently wandered off …and had stepped in his mom.
"SON I TOLD YOU TO WATCH WHERE YOU'RE STEPPING."Hojo bellowed angrily at his son, his face purple with rage.
"DON'T YELL IN THE STORE," Sephiroth countered.
"ARE YOU INFORMING ME HOW I SHOULD PARTAKE IN MY DAILY ACTIVITIES?" Hojo screamed back. Vincent giggled as the professors voice broke. However, as the banter continued between father and son, Vincent grew bored…and worried. He'd been gone a long time. Looking at the clock on the wall, he'd been gone 8 minutes. Cid could have died of starvation by now. He pushed his claw out of face.
Vincent grabbed some nearby bread and some bacon, and was just making out the door when he spotted something out of the corner of his eye.
"Oh joyous day. A banana!" sure enough, there was a banana perched precariously on a nearby payphone. Without hesitation, Vincent took it and left—his presence unnoticed by the still bickering Hojo and Sephiroth. Humming his theme song, Vincent flipped all the way home on his head, just for fun.
It turned out, however, that in his absence, Cid had found a sandwhich on the floor and had fortified his hunger with it.
"I'm thristy, " Cid replied suddenly while Vincent finished off his bacan-banana sandwhich.
"I don't have any water because I stopped paying bills, "heenunciated carefully through a mouthful of food.
"Go buy me a drink, " Cid ordered.
Vincent's claw had finallyuntangled itself from his hair, and fell to the floorwith a loud clunk.
"No."
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LOLOLO R+R