Infinite Monkeys on Infinite Typewriters Productions presents
Would You Like Fries With That?
A Neon Genesis Evangelion spamfic by Arcturus
***
Gendo Ikari loved spreading his vast knowledge around. He conversed with the two people before him, hands folded across his mouth.
"...and so, you see, after the second impact, we have lived in a world purged of the original sin. However, that is simply not enough. Mankind has the potential to become a higher being, but this world must be forsaken, and..."
"IKARI!"
Gendo cringed when his name was shouted. "Yes, Fumiko?"
"That's Miss Asuhara, Ikari!" an irate woman in her twenties shouted, her arms folded.
"I'm sorry, MISS Asuhara," Gendo responded, emphasizing the 'miss.' "Is there a problem?"
"Stop giving the customers your apocalyptic bullcrap and give them their food!"
Gendo stood silent for a brief moment, and then handed the two brown paper bags through the window. "Two Super Burgers, one without pickles, two fries, and two medium cokes. Enjoy your meal."
The couple in the car took the food and their change, and drove off. Gendo had just a moment to reflect on things before the next customer came. The final angel had been beaten. The world was safe. There was no longer any need for NERV at all.
Which was precisely why NERV was disbanded and everybody lost their jobs.
Most of the NERV personnel were able to find work, but Gendo was very unfortunate. His shady past and reputation haunted him. Nobody wanted him as an employee. He would have preferred something a bit more influential, but most jobs would be acceptable.
But dammit, this was humiliating. Gendo used to be one of the most powerful men in the world, and now he was reduced to flipping burgers at a local fast food chain. Perfect.
Another car drove up to the order box. "Welcome to Super-Happy-Fun-Fun Burger," Gendo said in a monotone voice. "Would you like to order our new Teriyaki Burger?"
"No, not today," the voice said.
"Oh, are you refusing me now?" Gendo said, folding his hands over his mouth. "What will you have, then?"
"We'd like two Double Burger meals, super sized, and make it quick! We don't have all day!" came the irritated reply.
Gendo grumbled, "Coming right up. Will there be anything else?"
"Did I ask for anything else? No? Then there's nothing else!"
"Right. Please proceed to the window." Gendo turned off the microphone and called out the orders. He grabbed two cups and filled them most of the way with Coke.
Suddenly, he stopped filling them, and looked around. Seeing that nobody was watching, he grabbed a bottle he had hidden underneath the counter, filled with a yellow liquid, which he used to top off the drinks.
"Ikari!" Fumiko's voice came from across the kitchen. "Are you filling the drinks with LCL again?"
"No, ma'am!" Gendo called back, replacing the cap on the bottle and returning it to its place. The orders came in. Gendo packed them in a bag, took the money, and handed the bag to the customers.
"Ikari, you work the counter now. I'll take over," a young, pimply-faced employee instructed him.
"The counter? I hate the counter! That's the worst possible position here!" Gendo protested.
"Excuse me, but I'm a full-fledged employee here. You're just a trainee. Get to the counter," the pimply-faced employee said, his voice cracking.
Gendo grumbled and shuffled over to the counter. "Just my luck. I always get stuck with the counter."
As soon as he got there, an angry man approached the counter. "Hey! I specifically ordered NO onions on this thing!"
Gendo stared him down. "Are you sure you did, sir? We here at Super-Happy- Fun-Fun Burger do NOT make mistakes."
"Well, I didn't want onions on this thing! I don't like onions!"
"Irrelevant. Your likes and dislikes don't have any use here. What matters is whether or not you're telling the truth about actually ORDERING your burger without onions. Now, we have surveillance cameras here, so we can just observe the security tapes and..."
"IKARI!" Fumiko shouted, "just change his burger!"
Gendo grunted, and then took the burger from the man. "Coming right up, SIR."
The burger was replaced, and several minutes passed. Gendo didn't have too many more problems.
Until he saw a sight that made his stomach wrench. Asuka Langley Soryhu and his son, Shinji Ikari, were entering the restaurant.
"Uh, Miss Asuhara, can I take a break?"
"NO, Ikari! You don't get a break for another half-hour."
"You don't understand, this is unimaginably important! Or at least just give me a different task! I'll take anything but the counter!"
"Why should I? Is there a problem you have with the counter?"
Gendo was getting desperate. "Please! I'll do anything! I won't complain for the rest of the work day!"
Fumiko raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
Gendo glanced over at the two. They were getting close. "Yes, yes! I will! I promise!"
Fumiko shrugged. "All right, you can go clean the kiddie area. And be quick about it!"
Gendo bowed deeply and quickly grabbed a mob, leaped over the counter and charged into the play area. "My," Fumiko remarked, "he seems awfully enthusiastic about that."
Gendo watched from behind the play area as he idly mopped the floor. Shinji and Asuka got their food, sat down, and began eating. He made sure to keep some kind of obstruction in between them the entire time. They were engaged in conversation, but didn't appear to notice him watching them.
Of course, that's what he assumed.
"Don't look now," Shinji said to Asuka, "but I think some freak is watching us from the play area."
Gendo watched the two. Shinji said something to Asuka, who nodded. Shinji, with his freshly-grown spine, stood up and entered the play area. Gendo panicked and tried to head the other way, but saw that Asuka had entered the other door. He was doomed. He felt a tap on his shoulder. In a cold sweat, he turned around and faced his son's grinning face.
"Ah ha! So it's YOU!" Shinji said, with a broad grin on his face and an evil look in his eye. "So, you've been reduced to this, have you?"
"It's not my fault nobody would hire me!" Gendo said, making excuses. "Just because you two were the face of the entire project means that you get all the credit!"
"Well, we also weren't really involved with the shady parts of NERV, either," Asuka reminded him. "But I guess it's no fault of ours that NERV had a dark side, right Shinji?"
Gendo merely grumbled. "So, Asuka," Shinji asked, "how much money are you making off of endorsements these days?"
"Oh, it's hard for me to keep track, really. That's why I have my agent do it for me," she responded.
Gendo banged his head against the wall several times. He looked out the window to see a massive billboard featuring Asuka. "Gentle Breeze Feminine Napkins: More Protection than an AT Field!" Gendo turned around in disgust, only to see Shinji and Asuka discussing their recent deals.
"And so, he asks, 'Shinji Ikari, you've just killed the last angel. What are you going to do next?' And I respond, 'I'm going to Tokyo-3 Disneyland!' Shameless, yes, I admit, but that's not a problem. I guess it runs in the family." Shinji was obviously enjoying this.
Gendo idly kicked a plastic ball from the ball room, which hit a bump and bounced into the air, hitting Shinji in the forehead.
"Now, that was awfully childish," Shinji said in a condescending tone.
"What? That was an accident!" Gendo exclaimed.
"Geez, you've changed, haven't you, Gendo?" Asuka said. Shinji merely grabbed the ball and idly tossed it in Gendo's direction, hitting him in the chest. Gendo growled.
"You petulant boy, you wouldn't be where you were if it hadn't been for me," Gendo remarked.
Shinji replied very sarcastically. "Yeah, I'm so glad my Eva mind-raped me numerous times and I got all that mental and physical stress and anguished memories. Whatever would I do without them?" Shinji kicked more plastic balls at Gendo as he spoke.
"Knock it off!" Gendo said as he knocked the plastic balls away.
"By the way," Asuka said, "I just met Ritsuko's new boyfriend. She seems very happy!" The hair on the back of Gendo's neck bristled at this.
"And Fuyutsuki's back at the university, teaching like he used to. Have you heard he's writing a tell-all autobiography, focusing primarily on the post-Second Impact years?" Shinji asked, with a smirk on his face. Steam practically emitted out of Gendo's ears.
"Oh, wait, now I remember...Fuyutsuki's the one dating Ritsuko!" Asuka chirped.
"THAT DOES IT!" Gendo yelled, rushing his son and tackling him. Both tumbled into the ball room, the brightly colored plastic spheres flying in every direction.
"Hey, don't kill the messenger!" Shinji yelled back, and quickly wiggled out of Gendo's grasp. Gendo tried to grab at him again, but Shinji quickly ran around behind him. Suddenly, Gendo felt the grasp of Shinji's hands on his head. Shinji pressed his father's head against the bottom of the ball room. "After all, I'm just here to enjoy my meal!" Shinji grabbed Gendo's arm and twisted it back.
Shinji, however, failed to notice Gendo's free arm. Gendo managed to begin flinging plastic balls into Shinji's face. "Hey, stop that! It's annoying!" Shinji let go of Gendo's arm to swat the balls away.
That was the chance Gendo needed. He quickly got up and pushed Shinji back against one of the side nets. Gendo grinned, and charged.
Shinji merely ducked out of the way. Gendo ran headfirst into the net, tangling himself up. He hung there for a few moments, humiliated once again. Matters became worse when Fumiko ran into the room.
"IKARI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! ATTACKING A CUSTOMER?!"
"Oh, don't worry ma'am, it's entirely my fault," Shinji said, smiling. "Don't blame him for it."
"I can't excuse his actions, sir and...huh?! Shinji Ikari?! Is it really you?!"
Shinji smiled and nodded. "Yes, it's me."
"And Asuka Langley Soryu, too! Can I have your autographs?"
"I guess so," Asuka shrugged. "Just don't fire him or anything, okay? He needs the work."
Fumiko shot another warning glance at Gendo, who had not yet moved. The three left, Shinji waving goodbye while smiling maliciously. Gendo finally began to untangle himself.
Not too long later, Asuka and Shinji had left, and Gendo was back at the counter. He sighed to himself. Things could not get much worse.
It was just then that he saw a familiar ice blue-haired figure walk in, accompanied by a man in a suit. Her expression was as emotionless as it always was.
"H..hi...welcome to Super Happy Fun-Fun Burger," Gendo stammered. "May I take your..."
"Former Commander Ikari," Rei said coldly, "I have come here to discuss certain matters with you."
"Really? Uh...what matters?"
She motioned to the man in the suit next to her. "This is Toyotomi Hayami, my lawyer."
Gendo's right eye began to twitch. He was silent for a few moments. Then, finally, he responded.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
THE END
***
Author's Notes
Just a short little spamfic. In case you're wondering, this is pretty much an alternative way of ending the series, immediately after the death of Kaworu. Yes, I know, Shinji was psychologically damaged with that thing, and so on...I don't let things like that stand in the way of my humor fics!
Before you ask, no, I'm not planning on continuing this.
Special thanks go out to Geoduck for proofreading and giving me ideas.
And now, it's OMAKE TIME!!!
***
Gendo stood behind the counter with his eyes wide. The two penguins waddled in. The first one spoke.
"Hello, my good chap! My name is Opus, and this is my friend Pen Pen. We'd like two double-herring burgers, please."
"BRAWK!" Pen Pen said.
"Ah, yes, and a beer for Pen Pen," Opus said, smiling.
Gendo simply slapped a hand across his face and cursed inaudibly.
***
Good night, everybody!
Would You Like Fries With That?
A Neon Genesis Evangelion spamfic by Arcturus
***
Gendo Ikari loved spreading his vast knowledge around. He conversed with the two people before him, hands folded across his mouth.
"...and so, you see, after the second impact, we have lived in a world purged of the original sin. However, that is simply not enough. Mankind has the potential to become a higher being, but this world must be forsaken, and..."
"IKARI!"
Gendo cringed when his name was shouted. "Yes, Fumiko?"
"That's Miss Asuhara, Ikari!" an irate woman in her twenties shouted, her arms folded.
"I'm sorry, MISS Asuhara," Gendo responded, emphasizing the 'miss.' "Is there a problem?"
"Stop giving the customers your apocalyptic bullcrap and give them their food!"
Gendo stood silent for a brief moment, and then handed the two brown paper bags through the window. "Two Super Burgers, one without pickles, two fries, and two medium cokes. Enjoy your meal."
The couple in the car took the food and their change, and drove off. Gendo had just a moment to reflect on things before the next customer came. The final angel had been beaten. The world was safe. There was no longer any need for NERV at all.
Which was precisely why NERV was disbanded and everybody lost their jobs.
Most of the NERV personnel were able to find work, but Gendo was very unfortunate. His shady past and reputation haunted him. Nobody wanted him as an employee. He would have preferred something a bit more influential, but most jobs would be acceptable.
But dammit, this was humiliating. Gendo used to be one of the most powerful men in the world, and now he was reduced to flipping burgers at a local fast food chain. Perfect.
Another car drove up to the order box. "Welcome to Super-Happy-Fun-Fun Burger," Gendo said in a monotone voice. "Would you like to order our new Teriyaki Burger?"
"No, not today," the voice said.
"Oh, are you refusing me now?" Gendo said, folding his hands over his mouth. "What will you have, then?"
"We'd like two Double Burger meals, super sized, and make it quick! We don't have all day!" came the irritated reply.
Gendo grumbled, "Coming right up. Will there be anything else?"
"Did I ask for anything else? No? Then there's nothing else!"
"Right. Please proceed to the window." Gendo turned off the microphone and called out the orders. He grabbed two cups and filled them most of the way with Coke.
Suddenly, he stopped filling them, and looked around. Seeing that nobody was watching, he grabbed a bottle he had hidden underneath the counter, filled with a yellow liquid, which he used to top off the drinks.
"Ikari!" Fumiko's voice came from across the kitchen. "Are you filling the drinks with LCL again?"
"No, ma'am!" Gendo called back, replacing the cap on the bottle and returning it to its place. The orders came in. Gendo packed them in a bag, took the money, and handed the bag to the customers.
"Ikari, you work the counter now. I'll take over," a young, pimply-faced employee instructed him.
"The counter? I hate the counter! That's the worst possible position here!" Gendo protested.
"Excuse me, but I'm a full-fledged employee here. You're just a trainee. Get to the counter," the pimply-faced employee said, his voice cracking.
Gendo grumbled and shuffled over to the counter. "Just my luck. I always get stuck with the counter."
As soon as he got there, an angry man approached the counter. "Hey! I specifically ordered NO onions on this thing!"
Gendo stared him down. "Are you sure you did, sir? We here at Super-Happy- Fun-Fun Burger do NOT make mistakes."
"Well, I didn't want onions on this thing! I don't like onions!"
"Irrelevant. Your likes and dislikes don't have any use here. What matters is whether or not you're telling the truth about actually ORDERING your burger without onions. Now, we have surveillance cameras here, so we can just observe the security tapes and..."
"IKARI!" Fumiko shouted, "just change his burger!"
Gendo grunted, and then took the burger from the man. "Coming right up, SIR."
The burger was replaced, and several minutes passed. Gendo didn't have too many more problems.
Until he saw a sight that made his stomach wrench. Asuka Langley Soryhu and his son, Shinji Ikari, were entering the restaurant.
"Uh, Miss Asuhara, can I take a break?"
"NO, Ikari! You don't get a break for another half-hour."
"You don't understand, this is unimaginably important! Or at least just give me a different task! I'll take anything but the counter!"
"Why should I? Is there a problem you have with the counter?"
Gendo was getting desperate. "Please! I'll do anything! I won't complain for the rest of the work day!"
Fumiko raised an eyebrow. "Really?"
Gendo glanced over at the two. They were getting close. "Yes, yes! I will! I promise!"
Fumiko shrugged. "All right, you can go clean the kiddie area. And be quick about it!"
Gendo bowed deeply and quickly grabbed a mob, leaped over the counter and charged into the play area. "My," Fumiko remarked, "he seems awfully enthusiastic about that."
Gendo watched from behind the play area as he idly mopped the floor. Shinji and Asuka got their food, sat down, and began eating. He made sure to keep some kind of obstruction in between them the entire time. They were engaged in conversation, but didn't appear to notice him watching them.
Of course, that's what he assumed.
"Don't look now," Shinji said to Asuka, "but I think some freak is watching us from the play area."
Gendo watched the two. Shinji said something to Asuka, who nodded. Shinji, with his freshly-grown spine, stood up and entered the play area. Gendo panicked and tried to head the other way, but saw that Asuka had entered the other door. He was doomed. He felt a tap on his shoulder. In a cold sweat, he turned around and faced his son's grinning face.
"Ah ha! So it's YOU!" Shinji said, with a broad grin on his face and an evil look in his eye. "So, you've been reduced to this, have you?"
"It's not my fault nobody would hire me!" Gendo said, making excuses. "Just because you two were the face of the entire project means that you get all the credit!"
"Well, we also weren't really involved with the shady parts of NERV, either," Asuka reminded him. "But I guess it's no fault of ours that NERV had a dark side, right Shinji?"
Gendo merely grumbled. "So, Asuka," Shinji asked, "how much money are you making off of endorsements these days?"
"Oh, it's hard for me to keep track, really. That's why I have my agent do it for me," she responded.
Gendo banged his head against the wall several times. He looked out the window to see a massive billboard featuring Asuka. "Gentle Breeze Feminine Napkins: More Protection than an AT Field!" Gendo turned around in disgust, only to see Shinji and Asuka discussing their recent deals.
"And so, he asks, 'Shinji Ikari, you've just killed the last angel. What are you going to do next?' And I respond, 'I'm going to Tokyo-3 Disneyland!' Shameless, yes, I admit, but that's not a problem. I guess it runs in the family." Shinji was obviously enjoying this.
Gendo idly kicked a plastic ball from the ball room, which hit a bump and bounced into the air, hitting Shinji in the forehead.
"Now, that was awfully childish," Shinji said in a condescending tone.
"What? That was an accident!" Gendo exclaimed.
"Geez, you've changed, haven't you, Gendo?" Asuka said. Shinji merely grabbed the ball and idly tossed it in Gendo's direction, hitting him in the chest. Gendo growled.
"You petulant boy, you wouldn't be where you were if it hadn't been for me," Gendo remarked.
Shinji replied very sarcastically. "Yeah, I'm so glad my Eva mind-raped me numerous times and I got all that mental and physical stress and anguished memories. Whatever would I do without them?" Shinji kicked more plastic balls at Gendo as he spoke.
"Knock it off!" Gendo said as he knocked the plastic balls away.
"By the way," Asuka said, "I just met Ritsuko's new boyfriend. She seems very happy!" The hair on the back of Gendo's neck bristled at this.
"And Fuyutsuki's back at the university, teaching like he used to. Have you heard he's writing a tell-all autobiography, focusing primarily on the post-Second Impact years?" Shinji asked, with a smirk on his face. Steam practically emitted out of Gendo's ears.
"Oh, wait, now I remember...Fuyutsuki's the one dating Ritsuko!" Asuka chirped.
"THAT DOES IT!" Gendo yelled, rushing his son and tackling him. Both tumbled into the ball room, the brightly colored plastic spheres flying in every direction.
"Hey, don't kill the messenger!" Shinji yelled back, and quickly wiggled out of Gendo's grasp. Gendo tried to grab at him again, but Shinji quickly ran around behind him. Suddenly, Gendo felt the grasp of Shinji's hands on his head. Shinji pressed his father's head against the bottom of the ball room. "After all, I'm just here to enjoy my meal!" Shinji grabbed Gendo's arm and twisted it back.
Shinji, however, failed to notice Gendo's free arm. Gendo managed to begin flinging plastic balls into Shinji's face. "Hey, stop that! It's annoying!" Shinji let go of Gendo's arm to swat the balls away.
That was the chance Gendo needed. He quickly got up and pushed Shinji back against one of the side nets. Gendo grinned, and charged.
Shinji merely ducked out of the way. Gendo ran headfirst into the net, tangling himself up. He hung there for a few moments, humiliated once again. Matters became worse when Fumiko ran into the room.
"IKARI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! ATTACKING A CUSTOMER?!"
"Oh, don't worry ma'am, it's entirely my fault," Shinji said, smiling. "Don't blame him for it."
"I can't excuse his actions, sir and...huh?! Shinji Ikari?! Is it really you?!"
Shinji smiled and nodded. "Yes, it's me."
"And Asuka Langley Soryu, too! Can I have your autographs?"
"I guess so," Asuka shrugged. "Just don't fire him or anything, okay? He needs the work."
Fumiko shot another warning glance at Gendo, who had not yet moved. The three left, Shinji waving goodbye while smiling maliciously. Gendo finally began to untangle himself.
Not too long later, Asuka and Shinji had left, and Gendo was back at the counter. He sighed to himself. Things could not get much worse.
It was just then that he saw a familiar ice blue-haired figure walk in, accompanied by a man in a suit. Her expression was as emotionless as it always was.
"H..hi...welcome to Super Happy Fun-Fun Burger," Gendo stammered. "May I take your..."
"Former Commander Ikari," Rei said coldly, "I have come here to discuss certain matters with you."
"Really? Uh...what matters?"
She motioned to the man in the suit next to her. "This is Toyotomi Hayami, my lawyer."
Gendo's right eye began to twitch. He was silent for a few moments. Then, finally, he responded.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
THE END
***
Author's Notes
Just a short little spamfic. In case you're wondering, this is pretty much an alternative way of ending the series, immediately after the death of Kaworu. Yes, I know, Shinji was psychologically damaged with that thing, and so on...I don't let things like that stand in the way of my humor fics!
Before you ask, no, I'm not planning on continuing this.
Special thanks go out to Geoduck for proofreading and giving me ideas.
And now, it's OMAKE TIME!!!
***
Gendo stood behind the counter with his eyes wide. The two penguins waddled in. The first one spoke.
"Hello, my good chap! My name is Opus, and this is my friend Pen Pen. We'd like two double-herring burgers, please."
"BRAWK!" Pen Pen said.
"Ah, yes, and a beer for Pen Pen," Opus said, smiling.
Gendo simply slapped a hand across his face and cursed inaudibly.
***
Good night, everybody!