His smile disgusts me. It's so bright and happy and perfect. It makes me sick. Okay, I'm lying. James Diamond's smile is probably my 2nd favorite thing in the world, next to James Diamond himself. This is the first entry in my journal, aka; my confessions.

This all started in Kindergarten back in Minnesota, where we are from. I saw some big goon push him into the playground and I felt so bad that I punched the jerk right in the mouth! Since then James and I have been inseparable. As we got older, we added Logan and Carlos to our little circle and the four of us were the best of friends. It was perfect, because we all brought something different to the group. I was the athletic bad boy, Logan was the genius, Carlos was stupid, and James...James was James. There were few people who actually didn't like James. On top of the fact that he was tall, muscular, and effing hot, he was also the kindest person in the entire world. I don't think I have ever met anyone as kind and innocent as James, and that innocence made me want to protect him. So I did. For years, I was like his big brother. When one of his many girlfriends broke his heart, I got my other girl friends to shun her. When his father acted like a jerk, I held him while he cried, and when his nerves got the best of him, I made sure his dream came true.

It was December of 2009 when Gustavo Rocque came to town. He was looking for the next hot rock star, and James was ecstatic! For moral support, Carlos, Logan, and I all went to the audition with him. Unfortunately, Gustavo turned out to be a giant turd! So, I lost my temper and sang-ugh-the turd song. Oddly enough, Gustavo was impressed and offered me a chance to record a demo. James was so crushed that he didn't talk to me for a whole day. It was the worst thing in the world, and I sobbed in my bed all that night. The next time, I tried to be cool, but James' icy looks were heart-breaking. That is when the idea occurred to me.

"I'm going to accept," I announced to the boys, earning a snarl from James, "But only if you can all come and form a rock group with me." James eyes lit up like a child on Christmas and that is when I knew I was in love with him. I think it was the look of pure joy in his eyes that did it for me. Honestly, I'm not really sure. So in the next few months, we found ourselves in a whirlwind of excitement and fame. It's been one full year since Gustavo plucked us from our small town lives and whisked us away to Los Angeles, and one full year since I realized I love James.

After we moved, James and I became closer than ever. We shared a room at the Palmwoods, we were always next to each other when we performed, and when we went to clubs, I was his wing man. Lucky me, I got to hear the sounds of wild lust and ecstasy from whatever slut James brought home that night. I swear he had already been with over a hundred girls, at age 16. The worst part was knowing he would never be with me. Night after night, I heard him in his room with some slutty girl and it started to build this pressure in my brain and that pressure began turning to resentment. Resentment for James.

After six months, I felt nothing but resentment for James, and when he asked to hang out I started refusing. From today, its been at least seven weeks since we last hung out, and it's been at least two weeks since we've had a conversation. Every time he comes anywhere near me, I give him the nastiest look I can and the hurt in his eyes breaks my heart but what can I do? I have to break his spell over me. Today was the first time my rift with James actually affected our performing, and so I decided to write out all my feelings so maybe I could feel better. We were singing "Nothing Even Matters" and the lyrics just overwhelmed me and so I pushed James out of my way and ran out of the room. I'm not sure of anything else because I sort of blacked out. I know that Gustavo was pissed, and James was confused but neither have said anything to me and it's been three hours already. Logan knocked on my door, and opened it before I could say anything. When he was done I was in such a state of shock that I could say nothing.

"I know you love James," he growled, "but this has all gone too far. You have no right to push him and screw us up because he doesn't love you back. It's your own damn fault for not saying anything, anyways. You need to do something about all this tension, before I do." Without another word, he was gone and I sat alone on my bed for the next few hours.

A knock on the door startled me, and Carlos walked in. He looked so concerned and I knew what he was going to say was serious, he wasn't wearing his helmut.

"Kendall," Carlos pleaded, "Talk to me."

"What about," I asked flippantly.

"Don't give me that attitude," he snapped in a tone that made me jump, "I am here, despite your assaulting James, to help you. I know something is bothering you, and I think I have a good idea of what it is. I know Logan gave you some sort of lecture, so I won't. I want to be there for you. Just talk to me."

"No," I whimpered, "I just can't"

"I figured as much," he said in a matter of fact voice, "So I got you something." From behind his back he pulled a leather bound notebook with my name engraved on the front, "I got this for you a couple days ago, and was going to wait until Christmas but after today-"

"Thank you," I smiled, "I love it." I stood up and gave Carlos a one armed hug and sat back down. Carlos left, but as he was leaving he bumped into James, who was just coming in. I guess I couldn't say anything, it was his room too. He sat on his bed, facing me, as if waiting for me to talk. To break the tension, I did.

"What," I sneered.

"I want to know what your problem is," James whispered, "I want to help. I don't care about today, I just want to help you. You're my best friend."

I said nothing, so he went on. "Kendall, what did I do? Is it because of all the girls? They like you too, but you don't seem to care."

"Did you ever think," I growled, "that maybe I just hate you so much that the thought of being around you makes me want to puke. I have no problem except my absolute disgust and hatred for you." I stood up and walked towards him, "You stupid, insignificant little pretty boy. Nobody loves you, especially me, so just shut up and get out."

I don't know why I said it, but I've never heard someone sob so hard before. It was the sound of someone who was completely broken and I couldn't help but feel as though I had won.

-The End-