HOW BRATTY AND CATTY STOLE AMERICA'S PRESIDENTIAL SYSTEM
It was yet another perfectly regular, uneventful and extremely boring morning in the Underground, and all of the nation's resident monsters were busy going about their typical mundane lives while the local insanely corrupt monarchy system of government kept them safe and sound.
Down in the blisteringly cold, thickly forested and densely hill-topped region of Snowdin to the west, all of the young monsters were playing various snow-related games with each other outdoors and uttering high-pitched screams and shouts of laughter galore while the old ones sat hunchbackedly at their desks indoors and busied themselves with filing ludicrously excessive tax returns to their beloved, onmipotently worshipped and praised king Asgore.
Up a bit higher in the aptly named wetland region known as Waterfall, somewhere in the middle of the Underground, legendary anthropomorphic fish warrior Meenah, I mean Undyne was busy searching far and wide for potential psychotically murderous human intruders to the kingdom by scanning her one remaining good eye over each and every single thing she came across at obsessively great length, with her spear held high and her muscles trained far beyond any conceivable human limit of strength.
And up a bit higher still, in the scorching-hot, more-than-likely-going-to-be-completely-flooded-with-searing-lava-in-the-not-too-distant-future volcanic outpost of Hotland in the east...the bespectacled, anime-obsessed Alphys was sitting dumbfoundedly at her computer, watching Undyne do the exact same thing over and over and over and over and OVER again and forcefully smashing herself over the head with a flower-patterned, hot-pink and jewel-studded baseball bat in frustration.
Needless to say, almost everyone in the Underground (particularly Snowdin) absolutely ADORED its borderline dictatorship of a political system despite all of the absolutely excruciating shebang that it obnoxiously forced all of them to have to go through on a daily basis; yes, even despite the fact that the events of the recent wars had very clearly reduced their king into a dangerously psychotic, human-hating, child-murdering and rather deceptively adorable lop-eared racist.
However, the aforementioned mad-but-not-quite scientist Alphys (who lived just a few miles east of Snowdin) did NOT! In fact, the mere thought of it made her adorably weak little stomach twist and turn itself into only the most agonizingly cramped-up and tangled of knots.
The sickeningly adorable weeaboo lizard waifu HATED monarchy! The whole monarchy concept! And don't even bother to ask any non-skeletal person in Snowdin why; none of those brainwashed fools would know what proper modern government was if it tied them into a chair with a laptop and forced them to write the entire Undertale fandom's worth of Dreemurr family and skeleton trio incest.
If you had to ask an intelligent and well-versed member of human society such as myself (not to brag or anything...trust me) about the issue, I would have to say that Alphys' begrudgingly bitter hatred of her own government system was simply a matter of the blind many leading the insightful and enlightened few.
Getting (at least) somewhat back into character for a children's book for once, however, I would probably have to say something more along the lines of "perhaps it was the fact that none of the hideously fish-patterned socks that Undyne had bought her for her birthday came even close to fitting the sheer size of her drool-inducingly gorgeous feet, making her one of the world's biggest and most boner-inducingly obvious targets for Quentin Tarantinos all over the world" or "perhaps it was just the fact that she had stuffed her already large brain several sizes too big with anime porn and had agonizingly painful headaches every single day as a result."
Whatever the matter was, however, her disgustingly dirty mind or the fact that she had been making most of her recent living off of people literally paying her entire dollars' worth of solid gold per pop just to fraudulently coax her into openly letting them nastily slobber and drool all over her smooth, scaly soles like rabid dogs in the middle of summer and lick and suck her pricelessly dainty and precious little nerd toes like Tootsie Pops (which, of course, was LITERALLY what she referred to them as) in place of her beloved girlfriend Undyne...
...the point still remained exactly (in fact, probably more than a little bit redundantly) the same; Alphys absolutely DESPISED the hopelessly lost and outmatched feeling that she got from being one of the few Underground citizens smart enough to actually AVOID leaping right onto the Dreemurr king's staggeringly, disproportionately gargantuan monarchial hype train.
Alphys knew she had to tell someone about this, but WHO? That was the real question here; WHO would actually have enough rational sense left in them to strike a proper, full-fledged political conversation with Alphys and not just be a total useless piece of dried-up snail poo?
"Hmm, let's see here..." Alphys thought curiously to herself as she leaned back in her chair, crossed her legs neatly atop the desk, wiggled her toes at the readers with a seductive eyebrow-raising glare, cracked open a can of beer with one hand and pulled out the cell phone from her labcoat pocket with the other.
"Undyne? Hell no, she would literally bite the freaking head right off of the Lincoln Memorial and stomp it into a million pieces if she had the chance..." Alphys sighed dejectedly, taking the first complimentary sip of her beer as she flipped open her cell phone, dialed her way into its automated phone-book menu and crossed Undyne's name off the list, partially out of sheer infuriating jealousy of the fact that, unlike her, her girlfriend actually had (a rather bitching pair of) pants.
"Sans and Toriel? Nah, I'm really not in the mood to deal with their stupid wordplay shenanigans..." Alphys rolled her eyes and groaned retroactively as she drank the second sip (on other words, the second half) of her beer can and tossed it into her deskside trash bin.
Meanwhile at the local Snowdin ski resort, Sans and Toriel were having themselves a wonderful time together at the ice-skating rink while Alphys just sat miserably in her dusty, cloyingly anime-plastered old laboratory building, sweating her ever-loving ass off as she desperately struggled to find someone suitable with whom to politically consort.
"Hey, Toriel, how would you describe your former royalty marriage relationship with lord Asgore?" Sans asked Toriel with an inquisitive wink as the two of them twirled and danced together atop the ice like ballerinas while Alphys began to suddenly realize, in a fit of tragic desperation, what sort of degenerately rebellious scamps she had really been looking for.
"Let me guess; our hearts are currently twirling about on a precariously thin sheet of ice?" Toriel rolled her eyes and asked Sans with a profoundly exhausted note of sarcasm in her voice.
"Wait a minute...thin sheet of ice...OH MY GOD, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THIS ENTIRE NATION'S POLITICAL STATUS WILL SHORTLY THEREAFTER BE RESTING UPON IF AND WHEN BRATTY AND CATTY BECOME THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES!" Alphys gasped excitedly, having a sudden eureka lightbulb moment as she frantically dialed Bratty's and Catty's number (which she somehow had memorized by heart, suspiciously enough) on her cell phone's keypad and immediately hit the Call button, concentrating deeply and gathering all of her wits.
"Wow, my, like, phone's, like, ringing like crazy and, like, stuff!" Bratty giggled excitedly as she reached into her diamond-studded purse (that she found in the garbage, since the two of them just so happened to be a nice big pair of worthless lesbian bums that lived eerily closely together in the back alley of Mettaton's fabulous hotel resort) and pulled out her rusty old cell phone while Catty reached into her own tattered leather purse and pulled out her iPad mini, immediately going straight into the Twitter and Tumblr apps and making dead-sure to tell literally every single person in existence about the conversation just to make matters even worse.
"Wow, it doesn't normally, like, do that! Are you SURE it's not, like, malfunctioning from chronic, like, overexposure to radioactive, like, chemicals and the like?" Catty playfully teased her more-than-heavily implied best girlfiend forever, suddenly noticing that Bratty's cell phone had literally infinite battery life.
"Um...h-hi! I'm Alphys, how do you do?" Alphys reluctantly and more-than-a-little nervously greeted the fittingly named alleycat-and-alleygator combination, biting her nails and glancing back and forth frantically to make sure that no one was secretly eavesdropping on the conversation.
"Oh, let me, like, tell you; we are doing, like, absolutely FANTASTIC!" Bratty laughed while her quite meaningfully named girlfriend groveled pathetically beneath her in a simply astonishing display of unwavering servitude to her master and licked her beautiful alligator feet spotlessly clean...or at least as clean as poorly-brushed mouth saliva could make something, that is.
"Hell yeah, sister, you sure got THAT right!" Catty laughed, high-fiving Bratty and snatching the phone out from her hands while Bratty groveled pathetically beneath her and licked her adorable cat feet with her long, moist, smegma-dripping and ever-so-dextrous tongue that gleamed in the light.
"So, like, tell me and stuff: what exactly were you calling us to ASK about, may we politely ask?" Catty cocked an eyebrow suspiciously and asked Alphys while Bratty promptly switched over to Twitter/Tumblr recording duty, all while their former stepsister Alphys casually strolled over to the fridge and guzzled down a full pint of alcoholic potion straight from her favorite scientific flask.
"I wanna make proud and respectable MEN out of you (BURRRRP) scrawny little weasels, ya hear? Wanna make you SQUEAL like little piggies no more, you know what I'm saying?" Alphys slurred drunkenly into her cell phone, stumbling lightheadedly and dizzily back and forth and clutching her forehead in pain.
"Okay, first of all, YES, I know what you're saying, and it sounds creepy as HELL! I'm warning you for your own safety; you'd better back RIGHT off, miss!" Catty scolded Alphys angrily while Bratty got back up onto her feet and recieved a complimentary ten-dollar bill straight out of Catty's left hip pocket for her loving and caring girlfriend foot services.
"Oh, and second of all, you know for a fact that we are both freaking women, Jesus CHRIST!" Bratty snatched her phone right out of Catty's (equally) filthy and unwashed paws while Alphys began not-so-secretly formulating an ingenious plan for the Underground's first, finest and foremost political heist.
"Oh, I believe Undyne would beg you little (hiccup) brats to DIFFER!" Alphys laughed groggily she hung up the phone and called Undyne so that she could run over to the MTT Resort way up on the top floor of Hotland, pick up Bratty and Catty (yes, with literally nothing but her own sheer physical strength, no less) and carry them all the way back down to the bottom floor where Alphys' lab resided.
"Yo, what do you need, liz-buddy? If nothing else, I sincerely promise to at least give it my absolute ALL!" Undyne asked Alphys eagerly over the phone, leaping right up off of her living-room couch, slamming the power button on the TV remote forcefully with her fist to shut the device off, and finally bolting straight up the staircase into her bedroom on the second floor of her ominously angry-fish-shaped house over in the (otherwise) calm and peaceful Waterfall.
"Undyne, head directly for the (BURRRRRRP) back alley at MTT Resort, grab Bratty and Catty and bring them straight down the (hiccup) Hotland elevator into my lab. We've got some very (hiccup) serious business to do with them; VERY serious (hiccup) business, in fact, so I would VERY strongly (hiccup) recommend that you immediately (hiccup) stop whatever the hell it is that you're doing right now and get the (hiccup) hell over here ASAP!" Alphys urgently commanded Undyne, throwing up all over the tiled floor of her lab and already beginning to feel like she needed to doze off and take a nice long hangover nap.
"Alright, I'm coming, you hear me? You and your lazy ass just wait right there as patiently as your pathetically tortured soul can possibly muster until I arrive, which should be literally just a minute or two later!" Undyne laughed heartily as she hung up the phone, took the local ferryboat right over into Hotland, and hit the very topmost floor button on the nearest elevator.
ABOUT HALF A MINUTE LATER...
"Wow, Alphys, would you look at what the FISH dragged in!" Undyne laughed heartily as she lifted Bratty and Catty straight up into the air; sure enough, she was holding one of them in each of her ridiculously, disproportionately strong arms, both of which barely even had a hint of actual legit muscle and/or hair, save for precisely one "I LOVE ALPHYS" tattoo on each of her forearms.
"Um...Alphys? ALPHYS? Oh my god, what's HAPPENED to you?!" Undyne screamed in fright as she forcefully threw Bratty and Catty right down onto the ground and ran over to the piss-puddle spot on the floor, which presumably enough was precisely where Alphys' almost-but-not-quite dead body was lying on the floor with its face pressed firmly into a nice big puddle of its own vomit like a drunken whore.
"Sheesh, calm down, Undyne, I'm FINE!" Alphys sighed with mild annoyance as she lightly shoved Undyne off of her and sprung right back up onto her feet while everyone stared awkwardly at her as if her entire face was thoroughly soaked in thickly polluted brine.
"So, uhh...how do I LOOK, guys?" Alphys awkwardly drummed her fingers together and asked her highly undesired new audience as her own soupy, powdery, bright-orange and ever-so-noodly vomit began dripping from her right (adorably chubby and embarrassedly blushing) cheek while Bratty and Catty disgustedly covered each other's deeply appalled and violated eyes.
"Wow, Alphys, YOU look...like a complete Snowdrake!" Undyne chuckled smugly at Alphys, patting her forcefully on the back, kneeling down onto the floor and hugging her gently while Bratty and Catty stuck out their tongues and made a profoundly strong bodily and facial expression of YICK (read: absolute disgust) at her, to which Alphys responded by angrily hissing like a snake.
"Oh yeah, you're real, like, SCARY, tough girl! Why don't you, like, come on over and, like, say that to our frickin' FACES?" Bratty and Catty both snarkily and cockily placed their hands on their hips and jeered at Alphys in unison, provoking her into pouncing furiously onto the both of them and viciously mauling their ever-loving faces off until there was literally nothing left to look at except bone.
QUITE A BIT OF FACE-RESTORING PLASTIC SURGERY LATER...
"Alright, fellas; now that we've finally gotten THAT stupid fiasco out of the way..." Undyne sighed with more than a mild tinge of annoyance in her voice, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring angrily at Alphys, who smugly shrugged her shoulders and awkwardly grinned at her in response, "...I'd say it's about time we start training you two in the art of showing our country the way!"
"Um...pardon my asking, but the wait to WHAT, exactly?" Bratty raised her hand and jutted in nervously. "Oh, for the love of God, please don't tell me that you two maniacs are SERIOUSLY-"
"Oh, you'd better believe it, bitches!" Alphys and Undyne laughed uproariously as the two of them suddenly bolted off entirely without warning, briefly taking the escalator upstairs and grabbing a bunch of stereotypically presidential clothing (and fake hair) from Alphys' wardrobe cabinet while Bratty and Catty just stood right where they were, desperately wishing deep down inside that the rest of their day could have just simply gone the same way as their morning.
"Why, you may ask? Because we've got just the stage props...er, we mean TOTALLY-NOT-STOLEN PRESIDENTIAL CLOTHING ARTIFACTS to prove it!" Alphys and Undyne chuckled smugly with cheesy wigs and tie-bearing square-shouldered suits in hand as they came right back down the other escalator onto the first floor and eagerly dragged Bratty and Catty into Alphys' infamous "bathroom" elevator so that the four of them could use it as a dressing room (sadly not a suitable place to take a shit).
"Oh, wow...you two are so lucky getting to see us this way..oh, lord, what are you doing? Hey, back off, we're already in a relationship with each other...WHOA...mmm...actually, on second thought, this feels surprisingly nice and relaxing...OH...OHHH...OHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."
TWENTY MINUTES LATER...
"Oh, come on, we TOTALLY didn't rape them, we SWEAR! I mean seriously, does Undyne LOOK like a freaking lesbian to you?!" Alphys angrily ranted at Asgore, who was currently busy marching lividly across the final corridor of his legendary New Home castle into his royal throne room, with Alphys and Undyne clutched tightly by the shirt collars in one massive hand and Bratty and Catty clutched even more tightly by the shirt collars in his other equally massive hand; he was unbelievably furious at both duos (as romantic couples gratuitously cheating on each other was well-known to be EXTREMELY illegal and immensely frowned upon in Underground society for very obvious reasons), and as you could probably imagine, his face was adorned with just the type of ice-cold, tooth-gritting and evilly glaring expression to spell certain doom.
"Oh lord, we are so unbelievably DEAD right now..." Alphys, Undyne, Bratty and Catty alike all thought to themselves in unified primal terror as Asgore finally set them down on the thickly flower-padded floor, placed his hands on his hips and stared them all the way down to the ever-loving bone marrow as they trembled and quivered their knees like wet soggy noodles admiring themselves in a mirror.