"Do what you must."
Shepard stood there. He couldn't move. Too much had been revealed to him in such a short amount of time. The solution to the Reapers, the way to save the galaxy, was right in front of him. But he could barely comprehend it. Shepard knew that he could not refuse the choices. Too much had been sacrificed just to get to this point. All of the fleets of the galaxy were already in tatters. A sustained successful campaign against the Reapers was impossible. Everyone would die or be harvested. Shepard only had to kill himself here to save everyone. He always thought that he would eventually do this in the fight against the Reapers but he found himself hesitating. Killing himself made sense. It would save everyone. But he wanted to live. He wanted to come back.
Oh Tali. I don't want to leave you.
A choice had to be made and Shepard had to make it. Now. If he did not, everyone he loved would die. In reality, Shepard never had a choice to refuse the Catalyst. Shepard began to put one foot in front of the other, slowly limping down the long hallway.
Shepard saw the three options before him; the three ways to save Tali. There was the red machinery on the right that the Catalyst showed him to shoot if he wanted to destroy the Reapers. This choice would destroy all synthetic life.
The Geth… they just achieved life. Legion died for his race. How can I kill them? Can I make his sacrifice for nothing? And EDI. Joker is so happy with her. They are truly in love. Can I destroy that? Can I kill Joker's Tali?
Shepard's blood left a trail on the floor as he walked on.
I don't want to kill anyone else. So many have already died.
Immediately before him was the opening of the Crucible where the Catalyst said he should go to initiate Synthesis.
Synthesis… it sounds so familiar.
The Catalyst had said that this was the final step in evolution. Everyone would become partly synthetic. Everyone that is and ever would be would be partly synthetic.
How would that affect civilization? What would we do?
Shepard's exhausted mind finally remembered why Synthesis sounded so familiar. It was a long time ago, back during the Collector mission. Back when Mordin was still alive. Mordin was speaking to him about the Collector's becoming more machines than living Protheans. 'Disrupts socio-technological balance. All scientific advancement due to intelligence overcoming, compensating for limitations. Can't carry load, so invent wheel. Can't catch food, so invent speed. Limitations. No limitations, no advancement. No advancement, culture stagnates. Works other way too. Advancement before culture is ready. Disastrous. Saw it with Krogan.'
What will Synthesis be like? Will it hurt? I know what it is like to be a machine and it took a long time for me to get used to it.
Will people even be people anymore? Will anyone remember who they were before now? Will Tali even care that I am gone? Will she ever love again?
Shepard gasped in pain as breathing became difficult. One of his lungs felt like it was on fire. Mordin's voice sounded in his mind again. 'No glands replaced by tech. No digestive system replaced by tech. No soul, replaced by tech. Whatever they were, gone forever. Understand now? No art, no culture. Closer to husks than slaves. Tools for Reapers. Protheans dead, Collectors just final insult.'
Thank you Mordin. I... can't take away everyone's humanity. I can't turn everyone into Husks. I can't do that to my friends. I can't do that to Tali.
Shepard slowly turned to the left and walked up a ramp. Those two options were out of the question.
Can I control the Reapers?
Shepard looked over and saw the two blue electrodes drawing slowly closer. This choice would stop the Reapers like the rest but…
No one will die. Only I will lose my humanity. Only I need to die. One last sacrifice. If Mordin could do it… but would I die? My mind would live on. But can I give my essence to the Reapers and become their master? Will I still be me? Will I still feel my love for Tali? Or will I just stop loving her and therefore stop caring about her?
This was the one option that would allow him to continue to exist.
If I can still think, I could watch over Tali. I could help her get that house on Rannoch. I could protect her and all of my friends from harm. I could protect everyone. Mordin would be proud of this sacrifice.
Shepard closed his eyes. The first of many tears began sliding down his cheek.
Nothing will ever stop me from loving Tali. I will hold on to myself. I will stay me! For Tali.
The two electrodes were shooting blue energy parallel to each other. Shepard stood before them, savoring his last few moments of being. He felt the artificial atmosphere in his lungs, the blood pouring down his side, and the thoughts in his mind. Tears coursed down his cheeks. All of the pain was there, emotional and physical, flowing through him.
I'm so sorry Tali. I have to go. I love you so much.
The pistol fell from his numb hand and Shepard took a step toward the electrodes. The electricity was untamed and unshackled. Shepard didn't mind. His body felt numb. His thoughts were far away from his body. His right hand reached out and grabbed the electrode. Shepard's thoughts kept him going. Tears painted his face. Memories of his love played through his mind. Tali kept him fighting.
He remembered the first time he saw her; fighting Fist's men. Shepard ran down and saved her. Her expertise made her invaluable and he brought Tali onto his ship. He visited her constantly. Tali was so mysterious back then. So interesting. He had to get to know her. He spent so many night cycles down in Engineering with her.
Shepard lurched forward and grabbed the remaining electrode. The circuit was closed. Shepard reeled his head back and screamed in agony. Raw energy surged through his body. He didn't know what was happening. He felt parts of his body seem to burn away.
Tali hugged him on the Alarei. That had been their beginning. Then they grew closer. He remembered how Tali had rubbed his hands as she explained how deeply she wanted him. Shepard was willing to wait for her. She was worth it.
"Tali!" Shepard screamed to the stars.
He stumbled and fell to his knees. His hands slipped from the electrodes. Parts of him fell away as blue and gray dust. His memories gave him the strength to stand up.
He saw Tali for the first time after several months when she walked into the War Room. She was as stunning as ever.
His eyes could no longer produce tears. Shepard reached up to the source of his anguish and grabbed hold of the two electrodes again. The pain intensified but Shepard could no longer scream. Only the images kept him from letting go.
Tali and he were entwined together on his bed. He stared through her facemask into her eyes, losing himself in them. Her body pressed up against him and his arms grazed the back of her suit. They simply enjoyed each other for being there. For being real.
Before destroying Cerberus, Shepard felt Tali's lips on his. His eyes were closed as he simply enjoyed her feel and taste. His need to see more of her face grew and he opened them. She was right there. Her face. His Tali's face.
Shepard forced his dry mouth to form what he knew were his last few words.
"So beautiful."
Shepard felt himself slipping. With an image of Tali etched in his mind, he said what were his last and most important words.
"Tali, I, I love y-"
What was once Shepard froze in place. The energy claimed him. The shell in Shepard's image melted away and was absorbed into the Citadel taking Shepard's mind, body, and soul.