I can't remember when I first started loving Tai. I just sort of, happened. And one day I saw him, and knew that I loved him. From that day onwards, every time I see him, I know I love him. But that is not all I know. I know he doesn't love me. Why, do you ask, I assume such facts? It is because he is with Sora, and has been for almost 6 months now. As for mine and Tai's friendship; nonexistent. Since our adventures in the digital world and the helping of the new Digidestined two years ago, we've drifted further and further apart. Now I'm lucky it we spend even a lunch together. I never thought I could drift away from someone who meant so much to me, but I did. He got with Sora and soon he was spending him with her, constantly. I couldn't stand to be with him while he was with her, and he was always with her. I'd walked thought the school corridors and see them sitting together on a bench, holding hands, smiling. He really does have a beautiful, perfectly crafted smile; unlike mine, which is strange and grotesque. I guess you could say Sora has a better smile than me; I know you could say that. Maybe that's one of the things he fell for, and one of the things he couldn't see in me. He could never see me smile when he walked pass or when we would talk. He never knew the butterflies that cause my insides to cart wheel. He never knew how I would get lost in his lost eyes. They always seemed to be cloudy to with some kind of thought, as if he wasn't paying attention to life. The brown of them was deep too. So deep that you could sink in the mud, and never escape their captivating ooze; I never wanted too. Then there is, of course, his body. No sculpture made by man or nature could come close to his perfection. Though it might not be the best, the greatest or most define, it was outstanding. It looked so cosy, as if you could sleep there forever. That's what I wanted to do. Yet none of these things come close to what must be the true reason of my love for him. Tai. He was him, in all his fault and greatness. He was so kind, boisterous yet graceful, and amazingly perfect even when he did nothing. For all of that and more, I loved him and will continue to love him. No matter how much I should be over him, move on because I know he is straight and deeply in love with Sora, I can't. I don't think I'd have it any other way though.

Every time I see the two of them together I can't help but look. They seem so perfect for each other, as if one completes the other, like a tag and crest, working as one, they are a miracle. But all silver linings must have a cloud. That cloud is me. The thunder rips though my chest, devastating my heart. And I don't know what to do about the pain, because its strength is as great as the love I feel for him. So I walk on by, and hold in the tears. Day in, day out, I hide how I really feel at school. Before I get home and break down over my own bad luck and ignorance. There was I time when I like him and he was single, and all I could do was wonder. Did he even notice me existence anymore? I hoped, though, that he did. I did nothing. Not a thing. My heart stayed as silent as it is now, and regret fills the old silence. If only I had said something, anything, maybe it could have worked. Who am I kidding; he couldn't have liked me, not even if there were such things as miracles. Maybe quiet was for the best. Maybe I saved myself from a world full of embarrassment and hurt. Maybe unrequited love is better than open rejection.

I really do try to move on, but I hold myself back a little. There are some days when I really do think I've done the impossible, and lost all feelings for Tai and hatred for Sora. But somehow, any event can bring me crashing down to earth; the pain is agonising. I can cry for hours on the very little emotion which trickles back to my frail existence. Sooner or later it all comes back. Everything. The love, the heart break and the pain.

But I can't show it. Can't even speak it. It's not me. So it hides, deep in my heart, behind my funny smile. Hides where it can't be healed.

I wonder if he's ever come close to knowing just how I really feel. I think that sometimes he sees how I look at him every time he passes by, or smile when I hear his voice, even his name. There used to be a time when even the thought of him would cause me to become red faced; when the pure sight of him would quite too literally send me weak in the knees. I always wanted him to know that he was everything to me, but at the same time I didn't because I know I was now nothing to him. Not friend, not lover, barely an acquaintance. It's strange to think back, there was even a time when I thought he actually did like me. I would see him look as I walked by, notice me, yet never say anything. I used to convince myself that he never spoke to me because he was really deeply in love and couldn't tell me. I used to tell myself that he was just waiting for the right moment because I meant so much that he didn't want to ruin it. I never was a dreamer, but that one was the biggest I had. The biggest hope that one day, somehow, he'd love me. That we'd be together.

I sound like one of the crazed fans of Matt's band. Only Tai is my obsession, my drug which holds me to life. There was a time, when I thought that he might not be straight, that I still thought I would have no hope. Even if he was gay, why would he fall for me? With my messy mop of hair, crocked smile and reclusive personality, he still wouldn't even notice my mere existence. If it was to be anyone of anyone, it would be Matt. They have so much history, even if most of it is fighting over leadership and Sora. That kind of closeness brought them together in ways Tai and I never could be. We never fought, we never got so close to each other that we could hear the others heart beat. We never shared an interest that wasn't saving the digital world. We never saw the fiery side of each other, the side of passion, the side of sensitivity.

I'm not sure how much longer I can sit here. How many times I can relive the past and hold back the tears before I finally crack, break. No one person has even meant so much to me, given me so much to think and feel about, and never known that they were doing it. Tai, I love you, I always will love you. But this is as far as these words will ever go because I must let them die. Be hidden by the dust of the mind and walk away from them.

I love you Tai, with all of my heart, till forever ends.