Hi World, thy publishing virginity has been taken with this stock yard of quotes, snippets and other random shit that has been piling around. Mostly it is Harry Potter shit so yeah, its in that category. So, first post, ans hurry, it was painless, and hopefully without the embarrassment.
Things I have collected over the years, which instead of posting in my profile so you have to scroll down for a minute to find the stories, I put it in a document, so you have the choice of reading it or not, instead of it being forced down your throat.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
Donkeys kill more people than plane crashes.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
If you yelled for 8 years 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
315 entries in Webster's 1996 dictionary were misspelled.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true."
― Winston Churchill
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer"
― Douglas Adams
"Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies."
― Oliver Goldsmith
Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
Age is whatever you think it is. You are as old as you think you are.
Muhammad Ali
My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.
Muhammad Ali
compromise: the art of dividing a cake so that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.
They died perfectly natural deaths. A sword is made from natural resources is it not? So if a sword chooses to remove their heads, I blame nature.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it".
Tell one lie and get ready to tell a whole lot more.
"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'Im possible' "
"People can tell you to keep your mouth shut, but that doesn't stop you from having your own opinion."
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.
Old enough to know better, but young enough to not give a damn anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, fuck the world and smoke some weed.
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink."
"Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."
Exchange between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill—"
Be careful of the words you say.
And keep them soft and sweet.
For you never know from day to day.
Which ones you'll have to eat.
The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.
"Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?" Socialite: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... "
Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?"
Socialite: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!"
Churchill: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price"
― Winston Churchill
"Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves."
― Abraham Lincoln
"The sad truth is that the truth is sad."
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."
― Winston Churchill
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
After an obviously long night he found himself staggering about at home, when that familiar urge suddenly came upon him. In an uncharacteristic flash of common sense he managed to get to his bedroom window before unloading his guts through it. Unfortunately he was standing in the garden, looking in.
"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
That's the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always get worse.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Whoa, look at that: my wish didn't alter reality. Why should yours?
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Well, aren't we just a ray of little miss fucking sunshine?
So what, if everyone had a bucket full of shit, you'd want one too?
How do you make someone cruel crueler?
. Add er.
May the Metaphors be with you.
The great thing about being a pessimist is that you are either always right, or plesantly disproven.
A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful
If you're lying to me, I'll kill ya. If I think you're lying to me, I'll kill ya. If you leave anything out, I'll kill ya. As a matter of fact you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive. Do you understand? Good, cause if you don't, I'll kill ya.
Unwritten Rules of being hunger games winner.
Respect the stylists. They may be flighty bastards but their ability can spell life or death for the kids in the arena
Don't ask how another mentor gets sponsors unless you really want to know. And trust me, you don't.
Watch what you say and to who. Just because the you aren't in the arena anymore doesn't mean that people aren't watching you.
Don't knock someone else's coping mechanism. We all have them. Be it morphling, alcohol or sex. We all have our vices to keep us from screaming.
Don't congratulate the most recent victor for their win. Ever. They didn't win. They survived. Just like you, just like everyone else who went into the arena and came back out again
You always congratulate the mentor who manages to get their tribute through the games
"We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather."\"A girl who spreads her legs before a toasting is beneath you,"
YewQuill22602
Say yes, then negotiate.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
It's rather tricky to be wise. When you think of something stupid to say, don't say it.
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
"I have faith ... in things that I can buy and sell and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion."
Intelligence is like a river. The deeper it is, the less noise it makes.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said.
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
"Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can exactly agree on what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear."
I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong."
"Miracles can happen, even to those who are small, flammable, and dressed all in black."
― Lemony Snicket
Of course I'm trying to trick you! That's the way of the world. Everyone runs around with their secrets and their schemes, trying to outwit everyone else"
― Lemony Snicket,
After thinking it all through carefully, summarising each point and observing each tiny detail I have come to the conclusion that I couldn't care less...
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
"All too often adults assume that if they spout a few words of wisdom, they can make a young person's problems disappear. They presume that the problems of a child are childish problems,"
Life is a game. Money is how we keep score.
A well placed "Have a good day" is a brillant substitute for "fuck you" in almost every situation.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life — It goes on.
You may not have very much sense. But if you have enough to keep your mouth shut and look wise, it will not be long before you acquire a wide reputation as a fountain of Wisdom.
Are you always that stupid or are you making a special effort today?
"The Italians have a saying, Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct
"I didn't like having reasonable arguments thrown at me."
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see,"
Alice:I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.
Doorknob:Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction.
Alice: Curiosity often leads to trouble.
"What time is it?"askedalice.
"It is the time it is now." Hatter said.
The Duchess:If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a great deal faster than it does.
The Duchess:'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.
Alice: I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more.
The Hatter: You mean you can't take less; it's very easy to take more than nothing.
The Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
Odd-ball psychotics, pyros and general loud, attention seeking psychopaths will have their place in my organization. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
During training, there will be three rules, Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 3 meters will be used for target practice, anyone who can't tell the difference between a questionable disturbence and a pebble being thrown will also be used as target practice, anyone who can't remember this will be shot.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
I will keep a special cache of simple weapons and train my troops in their use. That way - even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless - my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know.
I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!" After that, death is usually instantaneous.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
Naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will draw my weapon, point it at him, and say "This is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful blood traitor that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals, every child is to have a sample of blood and a filed report at the ready, for future Polyjuice potions and such.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization
I will see to it that a group of defiant and stupidly brave teenagers shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless, instead I'll simply get a mindless puff to do it for me.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
Rules of Slytherin.
"If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong."Doesn't matter if a muggle said it, it's true enough.
They keep everything inside the common room and present a united front to the school - which is smart considering how many people dislike Slytherin. If they showed division amongst themselves, they'd be eaten alive.
Slytherins are by far the most patient when it comes to planning, most especially when planning revenge. Because of that, you have to be very cautious of what you say, when you say it, and who you say it to. Gryffindors would be eaten alive there because you're such a bold, passionate bunch. What you say one day, you don't always mean the next. Slytherins, however, are actually a very honest bunch - they've perfected the art of saying one thing and meaning another and all of it true. And they have slow moving plans that could take years to work out.
A nice motto to remember, "The truth with bad intent will beat anything lies can invent."
in Slytherin there is no such thing as 'for free'. There is a price for anything and everything.
For every rule there is a loophole.
Your real feelings are a precious thing. And they should be better guarded than Gringotts.
Quotes
"For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen."
~Douglas Adams~
"The problem with being clever, is that everyone assumes you're always planning something."
"When his wife left him, his job gone and house reprocessed, he knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?"
The thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
Hasn't anyone ever taught you not to startle people engaged in illegal activities?"
"Things can get worse?" She asked in utter shock
"Oh, things can always get worse, usually in all new and interesting ways." He replied with a cheery grin
you might be a complete and utter bastard, no matter the time or circumstance, but you're a complete and utter bastard who knew what he was doing.
How do you make black blacker?
. Add er.
May the Metaphors be with you.
The great thing about being a pessimist is that you are either always right, or plesantly disproven.
A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its condition is improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are illusional spin from the liberal media. Illuminating rooms is hard work. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effort. Why do you hate freedom?
If you're lying to me, I'll kill ya. If I think you're lying to me, I'll kill ya. If you leave anything out, I'll kill ya. As a matter of fact you're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive. Do you understand? Good, cause if you don't, I'll kill ya.
They died perfectly natural deaths. A sword is made from natural resources is it not? So if a sword chooses to remove their heads, I blame nature.
This is 90's the age of Capitalism, when greed is good. Next decade is when shit hits the fan, but still, I intend to make out just like any other CEO,
I consider this dimension a poor copy of my own. Hence, I think I'll screw with it however I choose
Whoa, look at that: my wish didn't alter reality. Why should yours?
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Well, aren't we just a ray of little miss fucking sunshine?
So what, if everyone had a bucket full of shit, you'd want one too?
one = False?