The Lover After Me

by Xescay

Why does it hurt so much when I sees Genesis with Angeal? I never loved him, only lusted after him, so why does it hurt?

Thick swollen grey clouds thundered above the building. The rain pelted loudly on the roof, filling the rooms inside with sounds of the pounding deluge. The ground was slippery underfoot from countless numbers of drenched cadets filing into the complex as the clouds above opened their great bellies and dropped bucket after bucket of rainwater on the unfortunate souls who had been outside at the time.

"Sir," people bobbed their head as they passed, hurrying their own way.

A red cloaked figure stepp ed into the room, every stride evincing an unmeasurable pride. A mop of auburn hair hid bright cerulean eyes which I had thought I'd never see again.

"Genesis…" the name slipped between my lips as a whisper, as deadly as a poison arrow aimed at my heart.

His eyes looked up to meet mine. "Oh, hi there, Sephiroth."

His face lit up in a grin I'd missed. It looked… beautiful. Inwardly, I sighed. He'd already moved on an age ago, leaving me in the dust, trying to pick up the broken shards of our time together; leaving me to try to piece back my life from scratch.

But I couldn't, because everything everywhere reminded me of us, and what we once were. The cafeteria, where we first became acquainted with one another. The library, where we met every week. The theatre in Midgar, where we watched a play of Loveless. The park where we often walked together, hand in hand. The tree with the swing hanging from one of the lower branches, where we shared our first kiss.

Even my room is filled with memories.

Memories of the night when we got smashed at one of the bars around Midgar, and ended up in my room. Genesis, having never drunk before, ended up with a terrible hangover the next day, and no idea how to weather it out.

Memories of the time I tried to cook dinner for the two of us. The fire brigade ended up coming to douse the fireball our house had become.

Memories of the morning I woke to find Genesis's broken figure laying bloody and bruised on the black and white tiles of the kitchen.

Memories of how he'd cried as he told me about his father; of how I swore to always protect him from anyone who might hurt him, from pain, suffering and loneliness.

Memories of how I broke that oath.

Memories of how I took him, forcibly, that fateful night.

Memories of how I woke the next morning and found that note on the table.

Memories of how I felt nothing when I read that note. Nothing. Not even a brief twinge of guilt.

Genesis had been right to leave me. I never loved him. Just lusted for his effeminate body.

But why is it that it hurts so much now?

The sun peered out from behind a thick curtain of clouds. The rain fell heavily during the night, and I had slept not one bit. Still, the downpour continued, but it had slowed to a drizzle. The ground, apparently, had suffered worse than I, and the training grounds around the complex had become giant mud baths. The torrential rain had flooded some parts of the building, and we were now in complete lockdown, to prevent the loss of an idiot.

Zack, being the excitable puppy he was, decided to celebrate the fact that we did not have any training (or paperwork) by holding a party. Of course, naturally, it would not have been approved had it not included some aspects of training in it. And so, he decided to hold a treasure hunt for ten ridiculously tiny scraps of paper scattered around the premises.

The worst part?

Angeal was not there to enjoy the brainchild of his puppy, having been away on a mission somewhere in Wutai, and thus, I had been paired with Genesis. There were only two groups participating anyway - Zack and Cloud, and Genesis and I. All the other SOLDIERs and cadets had opted to watch (one could hardly blame them). They sat in the cafeteria, amused looks plastered on their faces, and held mugs of what was most probably beer disguised as hot chocolate.

Finally, twelve o'clock arrived, and Kunsel arrived from his hiding the miniature slips of paper. He held a black-and-white checkered flag in one hand and a microphone in the other.

"Gents and gentlemen, are you ready for the greatest event in all of SOLDIER history?" he read from a page on the podium. "Today, we will witness the event so brilliantly named 'Zack's Great Treasure Hunt', in which Team Chocobo, the one which Cloud and Zack are in, and Team Unnamed, which is the one that the great General and Commander Rhapsodos is in, will battle it out in a treasure hunt for ten little ticket-things. The team who finds the most by the three hour bell will win the game and take home the trophy. Ok, now, let the game begin!"

He waved his little flag and somewhere, a saucepan was banged on like a gong. Zack and Cloud took off like a bunch of chocobos straight down the hall, nearly banging into the far wall, and into the fenced-off-for-a-reason training halls.

"Meh… This is retarded," Genesis remarked, before walking down the other hall to get a mug of the questionable hot chocolate. Every step he walked accentuated his effeminate body in such a beautiful way…

I shook my head. Now was not the time to reminisce about the past. I doubted that neither Genesis, nor Angeal, would have been impressed, to find that I had been ogling at Genesis's rear. Suddenly, Genesis appeared beside me.

"They wouldn't let me get some of that beer until I'd worked with you and found at least one of those tiny paper things, so…" he blew some hair from his face. "Let's get going then, shall we? We've got a piece of paper to find!"

I glanced about me, trying to figure where we should start first. All around me where faces, both familiar and otherwise. "We should start searching for them methodically…"

I could sense Genesis rolling his eyes at me. He never liked the thought of being 'logical', and had always claimed, right at the start and all the way until now, that true beauty had no need for logic and reasoning, simply because beauty could never truly have meaning; just as usefulness and logic could never have beauty. I had, once upon a time, made it my mission to make him feel otherwise, and to show him that beauty and logic could be one.

I had failed that mission when I had idiotically taken him and broken his trust, so deep it was, in me. Now, no longer did he enclose his deepest feelings and secrets to me, simply because of that stupid choice I made so long ago.

Perhaps he was right. Perhaps I was simply lusting over him; but then why did it hurt so much when he left me? Why does my heart throb so painfully whenever I think of him? Why does my gut turn into a mass of butterflies whenever I think of that night? It was a question I did not know the answer to. I doubted that even the Goddess knew the answer to such questions.

"Hey, Sephiroth. Gaia calling Sephiroth," Genesis waved his arm in front of my face. "Stop spacing out, Seph, 'cos we need to find one of them paper things."

I nodded. "Where do you suppose we should start looking?"

He spread his arms wide in a vague gesture. "Look around you. What do you see? Because I see a hell lot of potential tiny-pieces-of-paper hiding places."

He had that wonderful gleam about him, that drive to succession that had once, and still continued to, draw me toward him. He was like a never-ending train, reaching one destination, one stop, then immediately moving onto the next. That was how he had come to find success in the world, how he had found the drive to pick himself up from the ground after a humiliating defeat. He was a wolf, never stopping to lick his wounds, but instead, looking forward for the next kill.

The faces around me began to crowd in; started to look at me so expectantly, so patriotically. My knees began to feel weak and buckle under the weight of my all-too-heavy body. My clothes began to stick to me, suffocating me, despite the lack of a turtleneck to do so. I started to shrink, until I was as small as a mouse, no, smaller than a mouse. Everyone else began to grow, until they became giants. Genesis looked down at me from his height and frowned.

"Sephiroth. Why are you so pathetic and weak? Why do you care only for yourself? Why can't you see other people in that tiny little world of yours? Why are you so selfish?" I could not believe that such words were escaping his lips; yet some not-quite hidden part of my brain whispered that it was possible, and that what he was saying was the truth.

I wanted to cry, to break down into tiny little pieces and sob my feeble egoistical heart out. I wanted to melt into the planet, never to be seen again. I wanted to never be seen by Genesis's eyes, for I was undeserving of such attention. I wanted for the leather to smother me until I was naught but dust; and then smother me further until I was less than nothing.

"Seph, are you looking for the paper, or are you just dreaming again?" Genesis smirked at me. I cringed. I did not deserve his attention.

I looked up at the roof, and noticed a snippet of blue paper wedged into one of the cracks on the beams above our heads. On it was the number five, and I knew that I'd found one of the ten slips.

"Genesis, look," I nudged him in the ribs and pointed to the beam. "Can you see it?"

He nodded. "Yah, but how are you gonna get it? 'Cos there's no way I'm going up there. Do you know how much dirt and ick stuff's there? I don't wanna get my coat dirty!"

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Well, how are we going to get it down then? If you're not willing to help me…"

Genesis's eyes flashed. "I didn't say I wasn't gonna help you! Just that I won't be the one to grab the dratted thing. How are we gonna get up there anyway?"

I looked around the room for some kind of clue as to how we would do it. The expectant faces all too suddenly crowded in on me, asphyxiating me once more. I shook my head, trying to keep the frightening sensation away, and glanced away. My eyes landed on a pyramid of cans, which served as a makeshift wall between the bar and the cafe. Not that there was much difference between the two. Only ten minutes or so had passed, and already, most of the spectators were drunk.

"What if we grab a ladder…" Genesis mused to himself. His hand supported his chin as he thought, giving him the air of a highly educated scholar.

"Or if we do something like that," I pointed to the pyramid. "We're not allowed to use any sort of equipment, Genesis."

"Ah, I knew that. Ok then. And how do you propose we implement the idea of a human pyramid despite us lacking a third person to make this pyramid complete?"

I shrugged. "Maybe we should just make a human ladder, instead. It'd save us having to look for a third person willing to help."

"Meh, ok. As long as it gets me my beer."

And so, we began to put our ridiculous into action. Genesis opted to be the latter half of it, due to qualms about the reputed dirt and dust, which, he claimed, would ruin his cloak.

Unfortunately, he was right about the dust. As soon as I stretched out the length of my body to reach for the slip of paper, an offending itch began to worm its way up my nose. I had no way to rub my nose, as one of my hands was supporting my body against the wall, and the other was trying, and failing, to grab the thin paper. My fingers brushed against it teasingly, as if it were eluding me easily, but letting me barely touch it to irritate me.

Finally, after what seemed like an hour (but was more likely to have been a minute), I managed to seize the paper. And just as well that I did, for immediately after my (very) brief moment of victory, a sneeze escaped me, throwing both me, and Genesis, off balance, and into a painful heap on the hard tile floor.

"Ah! Get the hell off me, Sephiroth!" Genesis shoved me off him, for I had landed, rather awkwardly, on his chest.

"Ow," I grumbled as my chin connected with the cold floor.

Genesis leaned over me, and for a second, I thought he was about to give me a chaste kiss on the cheek, just as he used to do when we were still a couple.

Instead, he snatched the paper from my fingers and paraded it to the cafe, where he took his prize, his mug of beer, and downed it in a single gulp.

I sighed as I watched him dancing drunkenly with the other SOLDIER. What had happened to the Genesis I once knew? What had happened to that innocent boy who had never had a drink before? What had happened to those good times we once shared?

What had happened to my Genesis?

"Nyaa… But Seph! It's more fun to drink than it is to find those stupid paper thing!" Genesis yelled as I dragged him, inch by inch, to the library, where I had been told by Kunsel I'd find another one of those darned slips. "Seph! Are you even listening to me?"

I sighed and stuck a finger in my ear. "Not anymore."

Genesis pouted the way he always used to when he didn't get his way. It was cute, in an endearing sort of way. His eyes opened even wider in a puppy look.

"Please, Seph. Please lemme go back and have another beer. Just one?" Genesis begged. I nearly laughed aloud from the absurdness of what was happening - the ever prideful Crimson Commander simpering for just one more beer.

"No, Genesis. We've got to win this thing, otherwise Zack will bug us forever about it," I pushed him through the heavy oaken doors. "Now come on and help me find the next piece."

He pouted again, but gave in and began to scour the room for the numbered paper. I guess that Genesis, whether he's drunk or otherwise, will always have that insufferable pride about him; that drive to never lose.

I sat on one of the wicker chairs, hoping that finally, I could have a quick nap to make up for all that sleep I had lost in the storm the night before. My eyelids grew heavier and heavier, until finally, I was on the brink of sweet oblivion.

"Seph, why are you sleeping? We've got a paper-thungy to find!"

I opened my eyes slowly, not wanting to lose that blanketing warmth that sleep offered. Why was the Goddess as cruel as to deprive me of my sleep? Didn't she know that it was sleep on which I operated on, and not food, like Zack?

I heard the rustling sound of leather as Genesis shifted. My eyes were still mainly closed, and I could only see a crack of light. I felt a weight sitting on my lap, and my eyelids flung open, to be met with the sight of Genesis curled up in my lap, like a cat, and napping.

My face burned red. "Ge-Genesis! Get off me!"

Languidly, he opened one eye to regard me. "Nyaa… Why, Seph? You're sleeping, so I should be allowed to nap too. And besides…" He yawned. "This game isn't very fun…"

And then he went back to dozing on my lap, his head way too close to somewhere it should definitely be nowhere near.

"Genesis…" I hid my face behind my hands as I exhaled. "Genesis… But what if I…."

My voice trailed off. I did not want to think of that shameful day when I broke all my oaths, all my swears, to the one person in the world who I loved. The day when I nearly destroyed the person who I hold dearest, all for the sake of my disgusting wants. I had not loved him. I never had…

"Sephiroth…" Genesis's breath was uncomfortably close to my face.

"What?" I peered through a crack between my fingers, to see that Genesis was straddling me on all fours and leaning way too close to my face.

"Why are you so sad all the time? Why do you sigh all the time? It always sounds like you're disappointed in something… or someone…" He regarded me with a pitiful face. "Why?"

I looked to the side, my face covered in a bright red tinge. "Don't worry about it, Genesis. It's nothing."

He shook his head violently. "No it's not! No it's not! Stop lying, and stop pretending! Just… tell me what's wrong…"

I wasn't hearing this. I could not be hearing this. Genesis was not saying this. He was not worried about me. And he most certainly was not hugging me… was he?

His arms wrapped around my torso in a hug. He leaned his head close to my chest, his head tilted to the side so he could hear my heartbeat. "Sephiroth, why are you always so sad and disappointed? Why won't you let me help you?"

His shoulders began to tremble. They shook only a bit at first, but then they became uncontrollable heaves. I felt something warm and wet fall onto my bare chest. "Why, Seph?" His voice was broken up by his cries. "Why? What's making you so sad?"

I hugged him tightly against my chest and smiled (hopefully) reassuringly at him. "Nothing's wrong, Genesis. Nothing at all."

Suddenly, he leapt off me, his finger pointed at me accusingly. "Lair! Lair! Something is wrong! You just won't tell me because you're an insufferable pig who refuses to see the reality! No one else exists in your little world beside yourself! Isn't that right, Seph? Huh? Well, why don't you answer me, like a man?"

Those words… They stung. No, they whipped across my consciousness and scarred me. What he was saying was right, so why did it hurt when he accused me and pointed his finger at me. Why was I so saddened by the anger on his face? By the tears running freely down his trembling chin?

He shook his head. "You're a strange person, Seph. You're an enigma. I guess you could pin it down to never having parents, but…"

His voice trailed off, and I was frightened he was going to cry again. It felt like there were a million knives going through my heart whenever he cried. It hurt worse than mako shots. If I could, I would willingly take a trillion mako shots just for the sake of not having to watch him cry.

A single tear ran down his cheek. "Seph…" He looked up at me and smiled sadly. "Why can't you just accept your feelings like everyone else? Why do you insist on hiding them? It will only hurt more if you pretend…"

Those words… They rang so true in my heart… But… He couldn't be right, could he? I wasn't really hiding my emotions. Was I…?

I looked off to the side. "I don't know what you're talking about, Genesis."

He studied my face silently, before sighing helplessly. "Seph…"

Then, he left, and there was only me in the library. It was too quiet. It felt like the silence was trying to kill me by reminding me of all the times we had together. Something warm ran down my cheek. I reached to wipe it off my face, and when I looked at the leather, I found that it was damp.

The faces, they were crowding into me again. So many expectant faces… They were so close… Too close… They were surrounding me, asphyxiating me. Above them all, three people watched. The first was Genesis. His face was contorted with such a sadistic look. Was it I who had done that to him?

The second person was Angeal. His normally gentle eyes were filled with a cuel mirth as he watched me suffocate.

"Sephiroth. How does it feel, to be so popular?" the puppy asked from his perch high above me. "I want to be like you someday. What's it like?"

When I did not answer, Angeal frowned, before adding, "Sephiroth, tell the puppy. Why are you so quiet? You normally answer Zack's questions."

Genesis sneered callously. "It's because he's found out how weak he is."

No! Genesis! Please, don't… I cannot bear you thinking me feeble… Please, Genesis… Don't look at me. Don't look at me like that. I'm frightened… What if you're right? What if I truly am frail? What if I'm not worthy of the title of SOLDIER?

"That's right, Sephiroth. Feel your weakness. Curse your weakness. You're nothing. You're too craven, too frail to be a SOLDIER. You're non-existent. You're too cowardly. You can't even face up to your own fears."

Genesis… I know you're right, but… Why must you be as cruel as to taunt me? Why?

The darkness was rushing in now. It was surrounding me. The faces were blurring, but the evil was strengthening. It was choking me worse than the faces were. Oh, Genesis, please, save me! What is happening to me? Why is everything trying to kill me?

An eye the colour of the bluest skies, the shade of a moonlit pool, was the last thing that I saw before the shadows engulfed me.

"Genesis!"

BEEEEEEEEEP!

The sound of a flat line filled my ears. Where was it coming from? Where was I? Who had died?

Somehow, I already knew the answer to that.

"No!" Genesis's shocked voice rang out. It was hazy, as if I were listening to it from a far distance. "He can't be dead!"

Below me, a chillingly familiar face stared back at me. The chiseled features, the sharp chin, the argent hair framing the all-too familiar face…

I was… dead….

A scream ripped from my throat. A silent scream. I was a ghost, a remnant of my former being. I no longer existed… I smiled grimly. Genesis had been right. I was non-existent. I was nothing, because I had become a ghost.

"He had a tumour in his brain," I heard the doctor say. "Genesis's words affirm it. Those mental blanks that he had… They were symptoms of it…"

Genesis buried his face into his hands. His whole body shook with the force of his cries. "Seph…"

Angeal's arm encircled the shorter man, pulling him in to a warm embrace. His eyes were brimming with unshed tears, yet he would not cry, for Genesis's sake. I wished it was I who was hugging Genesis and keeping the darkness in his heart at bay.

For a moment, anger flashed in my eyes and a murderous rage overtook my consciousness. I was definitely within my right to do so. Genesis was mine, not Angeal's! All too suddenly, the reality hit me like a hurricane.

I was dead. I would never have my Gen back. I was gone, for good.

Something wet trickled down my cheek, just like that time at the library. Why was I suddenly so emotionally unstable? Was this considered normal?

"Gen…" I breathed. It was barely a whisper, but it still hurt. Who would have ever thought that a single word could deal a strike so painful it could leave a man doubling in agony?

Zack entered the room, his chocobo in tow. The slight leap in his steps had gone, and his eyes were dull. He looked… grey… His skin was pale, and his hair, muted and flat. What had happened to him, to make him so… old? He looked ancient; older than Genesis, Angeal and I put together quadrupled.

"Is it true, what we heard? Is Seph really…" he chocked back the last word. It was a final plea, a desperate one, in hopes that this was all naught but some kind of a sick, cruel joke, and that his chain had been yanked.

Angeal nodded. Times like this needed no words. Just silence and mourning. Just hurt, and comfort. Times like this were rare, but scarred a person forever.

Zack made a whimpering sound. It was such a pitiful sound… I wanted nothing more than to materialise behind him and give him a hug and tell him that I was alive, that everything was ok.

Only it wasn't. Only I couldn't.

Zack pulled Cloud in for a suffocatingly tight embrace. His eyes were squeezed shut as he fought back the tears. Cloud began to cry, quietly at first, as he realised what had been discussed.

"He couldn't have…" He sobbed. "But Sephiroth's so strong. He would have fought it off.."

Part of me wanted to cling to those words and hope that they were true; that this was all nothing but a dream. Maybe I had that tumour. Maybe I was in hospital, barely alive.

But another part of me, the dominant part, knew that this was reality. I wasn't in a hospital, battling for my life. I was dead. I was… nothing.

I watched as they pulled the white sheet over the all-too familiar face, hiding it from me. It felt as if someone had pushed the 'slow-mo' button as I watched my face disappear. First went that sharp chin, then those plump, pale lips. The bridge of my nose went, along with the closed eyes. The eyebrows vanished, then, finally, the last remnants of hair. All that stared at me now was a blank sheet.

Two men came into the room, both dressed in white coats. They worked as a pair, a team, as they moved to remove the body from the disturbingly depressing room. The wheels squeaked on the reflective floor as they wheeled it out.

Good bye, myself. Good bye, everyone.

Night had settled a decade ago, and the skies were peppered with the tiny pinpricks of light which we call stars. They twinkled just as they had done for a millennia; just as they would continue to wink for many thousands upon thousands of years yet to come.

Ghosts don't die. They just float about the world, aimlessly searching for something. Maybe they're searching for a missing part of their soul. Maybe they're just searching for eternal rest. They just don't know what they are so painfully looking for.

But I knew, all too well, what it was that drove me to wander this world for all of eternity. It was a search that I knew was completely futile and pointless, and yet, despite that, I searched for it.

What I was looking for was a simple thing. It was spoken of in many of the world's literature, sung in many of its songs.

It was something that was familiar to all, yet a giant mystery at the same time.

Scholars themselves debated over it. Was it real? Was it naught but a mere illusion made by the brain to create some sort of feeling?

What I was searching for was simple.

It was love.

Dawn broke, giving the heavens an orangey tinge. A month had passed since I had died, and strangely, the mornings seemed to have changed. The transformation was subtle at first, but suddenly, it had become all too different.

No longer did Zack wake up last. Instead, he often woke up at six or seven in the morning to take morning walks, just as I used to. Angeal no longer made that wonderful coffee with a smile on his face. Instead, he always seemed close to tears as he prepared it. Genesis opted to read the newspaper instead of his copy of LOVELESS as he ate breakfast. He delicately sipped coffee as he did so, suddenly preferring it over his precious tea.

Did they truly miss me that much? What had happened to our disastrous mornings trying to wake Zack from his slumbers? What had happened to our lengthly arguments over the choice between tea and coffee? What had happened to all that joy and conversation which had once happened during our breakfasts? Why had our once-joyous mornings become so depressing?

I wanted to rush into there and say that I was alive. I wanted to scream and tell them to stop being so sad. I wanted to be in there and hug them all and have some of Angeal's breathtaking coffee. I wanted to debate with Genesis whether tea was better than coffee and vice versa. I wanted to shake Zack awake just as I had when I was alive…

I punched the tree next to me. My arm slid right through the solid trunk. Right. Ghosts are immaterial in the physical world.

Why did everything have to change so suddenly? Why? How had the world so suddenly turned up-side-down? Who had caused it? Why was I a ghost, and not a spirit floating in the Lifestream? Why was I cursed to forever watch Genesis and Angeal?

A strange feeling rushed up from the depts of my heart. It was a weird feeling, to say the least. Caught between hate and sadness, I was torn between the two emotions. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. It felt so unfair. Why was I the one who had to bear the brunt of this burden? Why did I have to watch, never to call out and protest, as my ex-boyfriend went out with my best friend? Why?

The tears dripped down my face, no matter how much I wished them not to. They plopped onto the grass and disappeared into the green. Was that what would happen to me? Would I disappear from everyone's memories, and eventually become just another sad, forgotten soul?

I clenched my fist. That was not the way I wanted to go. I wanted to tell Genesis how much I loved him. I wanted to embrace Zack and tell him that everything'd be ok, even if I was gone. I wanted to have some of Angeal's coffee one last time. I never got to compliment him enough. I wanted to wish Cloud good luck for his pursuits to become a hero. There were still so many things I wanted to do… And now I'd never get round to doing them.

I felt so helpless, so feeble. Here I was, a ghost. I was complaining like an old woman about my troubles while my friends were completely at a lost as to what to do after my death. I had to sober up and find a way to talk to them.

I took a deep breath. Yes. That was what I'd do first. I'd find a way to talk to them. It'd be the first, and most important, step to finish that list of things I wanted to do.

"See ya later," Genesis walked out of the apartment and into the corridor. I felt compelled to hide from him, even though I knew he could not see me. Wait. Why would I want to hide from him if I wished to talk to him?

You're afraid he'll push you away again, a tiny part of my brain spoke. Its voice was so loud and so clear, it had to be right. It just did.

Genesis stepped into the elevator. He flipped his hair just as he always did, and I found myself wondering if anything had ever gone wrong. His coat flapped about his legs just as they always did. He carried himself with pride, as per norm. Everything about him was the same.

But his eyes were dull. They had lost that aspiring glimmer they once had. No longer did they shine with aspiration, but instead, dimmed with an unmeasurable emotion I would not describe. Had I done this to him? Was it I who had pushed him so far that he could no longer escape his demons? What was happening to him?

The elevator doors began to close, and I rushed in just before they shut completely. I stood stock still in the steel cage as it began to descend. Genesis closed his eyes and leaned back. I sighed. He didn't seem to have noticed me.

The familiar snick of a blade forced itself into the silent air. I turned, and watched in shock, as Genesis rolled up his sleeve.

No, no, no. This was not happening. Genesis was not about to… He would not… My brain was unable of piecing together a coherent sentence as I watched Genesis slide the blade across the puckered skin of his wrist. Blood welled up from the cut. He watched it rise from the pale skin in a fascination that bordered on adoration. Genesis. Why are you doing this to yourself?

Genesis ran the knife across his skin a few more times before he hissed and slid down the metal wall to sit on the floor. He had a pained look on his face. A crystalline tear slid down his face, making tiny river before dropping on the black material of his turtleneck.

"Sephiroth…" He whispered. His face was facing the wall opposite me, but it felt as if he knew that I was there, watching him. "Seph… Why?"

'Why?' That's a good question, Gen. I wish I knew too.

He glanced up to see which floor we were on. Fifth floor.

He picked himself off the cold metal floor and dabbed carefully at his bloodied wrist before rolling the sleeve down again and waiting for the elevator to reach its destination.

"I miss you…" He left the elevator, his coat flapping this way and that as he moved. He became more and more distant, until the metal doors slid shut to hide him from my view. The compartment began to rise, leaving my heart down on the ground floor.

Something bad was about to happen. I knew that much. When, or to whom it would happen to was a mystery.

A mystery I knew which would soon be revealed.

How many days has it been since I last saw Genesis, I do not know. According to the calendar, it's been a week, but it feels like it's been so long. It feels so much longer. The days and the nights have melded into a giant blob of time for me.

Not that the once-important concept of time matters to me anymore.

The skies were dark with the veil of night. Stars shimmered through the heavy cloak that we call 'night', making a celestial canvas of dots. The air was silent, save for the occasional owl hooting as it chased its prey in the gloom. Lights shone from various buildings, illuminating the grass on which I sat on. It was strange, looking down on the ground and seeing no silhouette.

The night was young, and there was still plenty of time for reminiscing yet to come. I gazed at the stars for a while, thinking of what Genesis had once told me about them.

"There's the Hunter," Genesis pointed to a cluster of stars. "See his belt? His shield and spear?"

"No. I can only see a bunch of stars."

Genesis had smacked my head when I said that. "Use your imagination!"

Things had been better back then. Normal. Genesis didn't cut himself back then. Not that I know of, anyway. Angeal was happy when he made his coffee, and Zack was near impossible to wake up in the mornings. I was alive then, and lead a close-to perfect life. I had a job, a home, and friends with whom I could confide with.

"What?" Angeal's cry brought me back from my musings. "What do you mean 'there's no hope for him'? What do you mean by that?"

I saw his distressed face through the window. He had one hand tangled in his slick-backed hair. The other was clenching the phone so hard I was worried it'd break. He began to pace up and down on the carpet as he continued to yell into the phone.

"That's it," He said with a voice of finality. "I'm going there, whether you like it or not. Gen's my friend. I'm going to be there for him."

He slammed the phone down on the table and punched the wall in front of him hard enough to leave a dent. What had happened to Genesis to make him this wound up?

"Zack! We're going!"

The pup scurried out of the kitchen and ran to catch up with the angered man. "Where are we going?"

"Infirmary."

My blood chilled with that single word. Some bad must have happened, for Genesis to be in the infirmary. He was usually too proud to go there for his wounds to be tended, and often patched them up himself. What had happened to him?

I followed Angeal and Zack out of the housing complex to the infirmary. My heart was in my mouth as we walked. Which part of the infirmary was Genesis in? Why was the nurse taking us to the Intensive Care Ward?

The Intensive Care Ward, known to most as the ICW, is the place that all SOLDIER dread to be in. If a SOLDIER is in the ICW, then it usually means that they're about to die, or that their friend is about to die. Sometimes, it means both. It is in here where the screams for help and mercy never cease. These screams were often silenced only when the tortured soul passes through into death.

Genesis was here. He was going to die. I would not be able to ever say that I loved him. I would never have the chance to tell him that I was sorry. I would never get so say that final goodbye.

We approached a single bed in a large, empty room. There was a machine in the far corner, bleeping as it glowed with the irregular spikes of heartbeats. A saline drip hung from a rack, a long tube running from the bottom of the fat bag into an abnormally pale arm.

The sounds of laboured breathing filled the silence which had enveloped the room. The nurse who had led us here flashed a quick, sympathetic smile Angeal's way before striding out of the room as quickly as she could. One could not blame her, though. The once vibrant commander had been reduced to a lump of flesh, blood and bones. He could not even breathe without the assistance of a machine.

Oh, Genesis… What happened to you? Who did this to you? I swear, they will pay for their crimes against you. I will return your beauty to you. If only you tell me who did this.

Angeal sat down wearily on the stool beside the bed and held Genesis's hand in his own. Angeal's tanned skin contrasted against the deathly pallid skin of Genesis's. His hand looked to petite in Angeal's bigger, calloused ones.

The mask on Genesis's face misted up in regular intervals. Mist. Clear. Mist. Clear. It was all too measured, too mechanical to be Genesis's breaths. Everything about this Genesis who lay so helplessly on the bed was schizophrenic to the Genesis who I remembered and loved. Everything, from the way his eyelids fluttered, to the way his hair was tousled on the white pillows screamed 'fake!'.

Yet it was real, in some odd, surreal way.

I wanted to punch the wall, scream, kick something. I wanted to strangle the nurse, Angeal, Zack, even Genesis and tell them to sober up and stop acting so ridiculously. I wanted to yell at Genesis, tell him to hate me, tell him to stop being such a wuss and man up. I wanted to slap Zack for changing so much. I wanted to shake Angeal and tell him to make his coffee with a smile on his face. I wanted to scream at the nurse, and say that it was not Genesis who lay there on the whiteness of the bed. I wanted to yell at her for getting it wrong, and tell her that it was not Genesis, but a doppelganger who was in that room, sucking everyone's happiness away.

Yet I knew that it truly was Genesis on that bed. His beauty and allure had been stripped away, leaving only the barest of bones and a sad bag of skin. His hair no longer shone as it once did. He had lost that pride and that laureate air he once carried about him all the time, but it was still him. Still the man I loved and adored.

I stood there, watching as he feebly fought for his life. He'd been shot close to his heart, the nurse had told us as she took us here, to this happiness sucking place. He'd lost a lot of blood before the helicopter had finally returned to check up on him. They'd done everything they could, apparently, and the rest of the battle was all up to him now.

Genesis… Don't you dare lose that war. Don't you dare, because I swear that I will throw you into the deepest pits of hell if you do. Don't you know what will happen to Angeal and Zack if you too slip away from life? I know it's unfair, placing this giant burden on your shoulders, but you cannot die.

I will not let you.

"Zack," Angeal rose from the seat. "Let's go. There's no point in sitting here and hoping if we can't do anything. The best we can do is pray that he lives to recite LOVELESS again."

The pup looked up and nodded. His eyes were raw from the tears he had been shedding so silently. He followed Angeal out of the room looking even greyer than he had when I had died, leaving me all alone in the room with the half-dead and not-quite alive Genesis.

I turned to face him. His face was a colourless canvas, bare of the light tan and the bright ice-blue eyes. His once russet hair had become so dull, so lifeless.

A sigh slipped between his lips, and for a moment, it sounded as if he had called my name. He could not have. He was there, barely grasping to life, and slipping further and further into death.

"Sephiroth," he breathed again. This time, there was more conviction in it, as if he was sure that I stood beside him. His hand began to clutch at the thick bedcover. His eyebrows knotted in deep concentration as he tried to speak again. His gasps sounded so loud, so troubled in my ears.

Sweat trickled down his face, tracing the contours of his finely chiseled features before dripping into the pillows and soaking it. He struggled to speak, his lips moving to form words, let failing at producing sound.

"Easy there, Genesis," I whispered as I touched his arm. Strangely, my hands did not go through his arm, but instead, tapped solid flesh. "Calm down."

Genesis shook his head, as if in response to what I had said. "Help…"

I stepped back and sighed. What was going on here? It was too strange.

As I walked out of the room, an all-too familiar voice spoke.

"Seph, please help me, Seph."

Genesis had not spoken, had he? I turned to look at him, half expecting to see him perfectly fine, and saw that he was still laying on the bed, devoid of life. Still, his chest heaved as he struggled to draw breath, even with the help of the machines surrounding him.

"Sephiroth! Help!"

There it was again! It was definitely Genesis's voice; it was impossible for one to mistake his melodic voice. But he hadn't shifted one bit on that bed…

The shadows in the corner of the room began to swell. I watched from the corner of my eye as a monster began to materialise. A pair of blood red eyes shone from a potato shaped head. Fangs grew from black gum, followed by a long forked tongue. The creature trip-walked to Genesis's bedside and looked down at him, almost regarding him with mild interest. Its arm stretched until its clawed hand was directly above Genesis's heart.

Suddenly, an ear-piercing screech filled my ears, mind and consciousness. Genesis's voice was filled with pure terror and sheer pain. I felt a painful sensation that felt like a white-hot hand had grabbed my heart and squeezed until it was battling to beat normally. My throat began to feel dry. My breath came in pants as adrenaline coursed through my body. My leather coat began to feel constricting, choking. Somewhere in my mind's eye, I could imagine that the faces had returned to suffocate me.

The hospital room faded away, to be replaced with a world composed completely of darkness. Where was this place? Why was I here? Where was the Genesis who shouted in my mind's ear?

"General. Leave your friend. He will soon be gone, dead. There is no pointing in wishing that he will return from Death's door. Forget about him and join us. Together, we will change the face of this pitiful, dilapidated planet and rule it. Just come with us, and you will be all-powerful." A voice whispered in my ear. It was a strange voice, neither male, nor female.

"No," I spat between my clenched teeth. The pain in my chest intensified ten-fold as I got onto my feet. "I will not leave alone Genesis just because he his close to death. "You hear me? So just leave us alone and go bug someone else."

The man-woman voice hissed in anger. "You will join forces with us, General. If you do not, then I will ensure that you share the same fate as your sonneteer friend."

As if on cue, Genesis appeared. He was in a giant birdcage. It had an ornate glass dome on the top with intricate gold designs weaving together to make a pair of wings.

Genesis had a piece of white material bound around his eyes. He held the bars in his hands as he tried futilely to free himself.

I snorted. "Go ahead. I'll figure some way out."

"No! Seph, don't say that! Just forget about me and save yourself!" Genesis shouted. He held onto the bars and leaned toward me. "I'm not worth it!"

I shook my head. "Tch. Listen to yourself, would you? Of course you're worth the trouble and pain! The Genesis I know would know that."

Genesis's eyes widened at that last statement, and sighed. "Ah, Sephiroth. Why are you so naive? Look at me! I am a monster. I am not worth all this…"

I felt close to tears as I listened to him. Why was Genesis saying such rubbish? Was he saying to try to save me from some kind of terrible pain?

The darkness was gone now, replaced instead with brightness. Someone stood behind me, and instinctively, I knew that it was Genesis. His head was tilted back to rest on my back. I felt him smile contentedly.

"Hey, Seph. Why do you care so much about me? Why are you willing to go through such pain to save me? You know that when we get out of here, I'll go back to Angeal, so why?"

Truth be told, I did not know the answer myself. It was not logical to be so want to cling onto the remains of our relationship, so why did I try so hard to get him back?

"Well, Seph? I want to hear your answer."

I don't know, Gen. I really don't know. I wish I knew. Then I could tell you.

"I'm waiting."

His voice spoke in my head. "I'm waiting for you to say those three words. Why must you go through such lengths to hide your feelings? Just say it. Love is not something to be ashamed of, Seph. I thought I'd taught you this before. I guess it went through one ear and out the other."

"Gen…"

"Yes?"

"I… I… I think I… love you," my face was burning red as I said those last few words. I looked off to the side as I said them, afraid that my feelings would be rejected.

Instead, I felt a pair of arms encircle my torso. "Ah, Sephiroth. I love you too. It's taken you long enough to admit your feelings."

"But what about Angeal?"

"Ah, Angeal. I'll just dump him. I never liked him anyway." Genesis nuzzled his nose into my back.

"No. You're not Genesis. Who are you?" I flung him off me. Who was this Genesis duplicate? Who was he? Genesis would not abandon Angeal, even if he still had feelings for me. Who was this person?

"Very good, General," the man-woman voice spoke again. This time, it came from Genesis's mouth. "Congratulations. You've passed your test. You're now a part of our organisation. Together, we will change the world."

"Where's Genesis? What have you done to him? If he's hurt, I swear, things will end up very bad for you." I snarled. It was strange, feeling so mad at a look-alike of the person who I led dearest.

"I don't know," the Genesis doppelganger shrugged nonchalantly. "For all I know, he could be gone by now."

"What the hell is that meant to mean?" I was seething in anger. I was so close to slapping this clone out of anger… I took a deep breath. Loosing my temper now could mean losing Genesis.

"Sephiroth? Seph, where are you?"

I spun a full three-sixty, but I still could not find him. "Where are you, Genesis? Please, tell me. I want to help you. Genesis, where are you?"

The Genesis double smirked. "Can't you tell where he is?"

He lifted his hand, revealing a golden flame. It burnt around a tiny sphere made of something that looked like glass. Inside was a miniature birdcage, the same one I had seen before.

"What is that?" I asked as the Genesis inside the cage twisted his head this way and that blindly.

"A soul catcher. As you can see, I have managed to capture the commander's very essence. I could use it in a spell, or as a sacrifice. It's a very useful thing to have with you."

"Give it to me. You're not going to destroy Genesis for your own sick desires."

"Why?" The Genesis clone gave me a mocking glance. "After all, isn't that what you did when you took him? Why can't I, when that was what you did too?"

"Because…" I could not think of a good argument.

"Because you are nothing but a selfish, hypocritical pig, that's why."

"No!" The Genesis in the soul catcher shouted. The bars rattled loudly as he shook them. "That's not right. Sephiroth might have done that, but he hurts because of it. He's not a selfish, hypocritical pig! You are!"

Genesis… How did you know?

"Shut up, you! You may be a commander, but you no longer possess any power. You are powerless to stop me!" The Genesis replica shouted crazily. "I will do as I wish with your soul!"

"No, please, do not. I'll swap Genesis's spirit for my own," I was desperate. I loved Genesis. I could not let him slip through my fingers. I could not bear that pain. Not again.

"Hmm. You're the great General… Yes, I'd rather like that. You have a deal, General. Commander Rhapsodos's soul for our own. I hope you understand what you have just done…"

I wish I did…

The brightness dissipated, replaced with darkness once more. The darkness was like an ocean, lapping at my ankles, crashing onto the ground all around me. Abruptly, it opened its colossal maw and swallowed me, drowning me in a never-ending sea of gloom.

The pain in my chest returned, bringing with it waves upon waves of nausea. I fell onto my knees as I clutched my chest, trying, and failing, to get back up onto my feet.

Dimly, I could hear the Genesis copy's man-woman voice as it laughed and taunted me. "Now, I have both you and the Commander. Oh, today is a good day for me indeed."

Behind me, I heard a crashing sound. I spun, to face a thick wall of darkness. It rose, higher and higher, until it was as tall as a skyscraper. It then began to fall, and I felt as if the world had been put on slow-mo as I watched it descend upon my head.

"Sephiroth!" I heard my name being called out, just before the wave crashed down onto me. The air was suddenly replaced with the thick shadows, choking me as I breathed it in.

"Sephiroth!"

The world went dark.

"Sephiroth! Sephiroth, wake up. Sephiroth!" I felt my shoulders being shaken. Light began to trickle into my dark, dark world. "Sephiroth!"

Genesis. It was Genesis shaking me. My eyelids flew open. "Genesis?"

Genesis gave me a crooked grin. "Hey, Seph. You feeling ok? That sounded like one heck of a scary nightmare."

Nightmare? What did he mean by 'nightmare'? It most certainly was not a nightmare. Was it…? But Genesis was here, sitting right next to me. His eyes were bright once again, and his hair was no longer lifeless. He had that beauty once more. The pride, the lyrical words… Everything that made Genesis Genesis was back.

I embraced him, my face buried into his chest. He smelt just as he used to - like books, cinnamon, and everything else that made him smell like Genesis. There was that tiny hint of apples, that minuscule whiff of his mint-flavoured toothpaste.

"Ah," he squeaked in surprise, before returning the hug. His face was buried in my argent locks, his nose poking the top of my head.

Everything about him was so… Genesis-like. It was such a welcome change from the barely-alive doll which I had seen in my dreams. No longer was he the weak being laying in the hospital. This here was the Genesis I knew.

My shoulders began to shake. My body trembled as I sobbed into his chest. "Gen…"

"Huh?" Genesis regarded me with a confused look on in face. One could not blame him, I suppose. I was meant to be stoic, removed from human emotion. I was the General. It was expected of me, but I could not hold in the torrent of emotion that had so suddenly gripped me. It was a mix of relief, and love. So strange it was, comforting, but… different.

He gave me a hopeless look and sighed. His hand reached into my hair and stroked it. "There, there, Seph…. What happened in your bad dream to make you so glad to see me?"

I sat up, wiping the tears from my face. "Do you really want to know, Gen? 'Cos it's a really long story, and I don't know how much of it's true anymore…"

Genesis smiled. "Of course I want to know! And I can help you discern the truth from what was just a figment of your imagination."

I gave him a relieved glance. "Ok, if you say so…"

And thus, I told him everything. He listened as a respectful audience should when listening to a story being weaved. He did not laugh, nor speak during the entire thing.

Finally, when I had finished telling my tale, he held me in close. "Oh, Seph… I'm so glad that I can tell you that it never happened. It was all a dream, albeit a really real-seeming one. Don't worry. I'm here, and I swear, I will never let go of you."

I sighed and leaned closer into the embrace. He was so warm, so alive…

"Thank you, Gen."

"Don't thank me. I love you. I'd do anything for you. Now sleep. I'm hell tired, and we've all got more paperwork to get on with tomorrow… Oh yay…"

I smiled softly. This was the Genesis who I knew and loved. This was the Genesis who hated paperwork with a passion, but endured it just to keep his job. This was the Genesis who could be so sarcastic and loving at the same time. This was the Genesis with whom I argued with over breakfast. This was the Genesis who read LOVELESS whenever he could.

Life was perfect, all because I had my Genesis back.

It's been a week now since that nightmare. No longer do the demons which once haunted me torment me. I had not taken Genesis forcefully. We had never even gone to bed together, and for this, I was glad. I was scared of what might have happened had we done it. Would he ever speak to me ever again afterward?

Things were going as per norm. Angeal and Zack often went training together in the First's training room. Angeal made the coffee and smiled as he did so. Genesis and I often debated about the choice between coffee and tea. Genesis read LOVELESS as he sipped his steaming tea, and I perused the daily newspaper. Zack remained a pain in the butt to wake up, and often could only be cajoled awake by the promise of a bag of lollies after breakfast.

At the office, things remained the same, too. My secretary stayed afraid of me, and her eyes continued to stray down to the ground as she handed me whatever paperwork I had for the day. Zack continued to come in to bug me during the day, often dragging me out of my office for a lunch break.

The skies were cerulean, with not a hint of cloud above. The leaves had begun turning into their rich oranges and reds and golds as summer turned to autumn. The birds still sang their simple, yet captivating melodies, but slowly, they had started flying away to escape the winter chill. The weather was perfect - neither too hot, nor too cold.

"Hey, Seph! You really need to get out of your office today. The weather's so nice today!" Zack exclaimed as he swung into my room, his chocobo in tow. "So come on! We're having a picnic today!"

I shook my head. "No thanks. I've got a lot of paperwork to get through today."

It was true. There was mountains upon mountains of paperwork awaiting my signature. They covered my desk so that one could no longer see even a square centimetre of the mahogany desk.

"Exactly why you should get out there and join our little party!" Zack sauntered into the room, poised to drag me out f need be. Cloud entered the room too. He began to look at the many books I had on the shelf.

"Oh, is this 'The Divine Comedy'?" He pointed to one of the older volumes; the ones which I never bothered reading myself. "It's a really good book, wouldn't you agree?"

I shrugged. "Never read it."

"You should! It's a great book!"

"Hey, hey, hey." Zack interrupted us. "We're going to a picnic, not a nerd hangout."

"I've already told you. I'm not going."

"Yeah? Well, you are now. I'll even help you with your precious paperwork."

"Wow, what's this? Zack Fair volunteering to do paperwork? What have you done to the real puppy?"

"Shut up, Seph."

As I walked out of the room, I noticed a strange message written in red ink on one of the many pages that had taken over my desk. As I read it, I felt my blood chill and freeze in my veins. Time itself seemed to have stopped as I read those words.

Wake up, Sephiroth. You're dreaming.