Disclaimer: not mine
Based on the below Buffy quote:
Buffy: "I was happy. Wherever I was, I was happy. At peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right... I knew it. Time didn't mean anything, nothing had form, but I was still me, y'know. And I was warm. And I was loved. And I was finished, complete. I don't understand theology or dimensions, or any of it, really, but I think I was in heaven... and now I'm not. I was torn out of there... pulled out... by my friends. Everything here is hard... and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch... this is hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that... knowing what I've lost. They can never know. Never." --BtVS, After Life
No One Asked
No one asked me if I wanted to come back. I'm different--I've changed since it happened. And no one's noticed. It was only a few minutes here--but it seemed longer there. Now that I'm back everything is different. I can't be the person that I once was. I try to be, but it's empty--hollow. Because inside I'm different. So different....Here seems different too. I know that it's not really different, it's the same as it was and I'm the one who's changed. Before I was happy--I enjoyed life for what it was. Every day was new and full of possibilities. I was niave. Now I have something to compare it to. Now I know what could be.
You hear stories of people who have had near-death experiences--who were dead and were resesitated. Sometimes they come back changed, but in a good way. My experience wasn't like that. I was dead. I wasn't told it wasn't my time or that I had a choice. I wasn't given a choice. It was my time...and I excepted that. Then something happened, and all of a sudden I was back. It was such a shock...I wasn't supposed to come back.
Then, I was here and everyone was so happy...except for me. I pretended to be glad too--I plastered on a smile and cracked a few jokes. Inside I was still in shock and trying to process what was happening. I almost knew what Jim must feel like--the sounds, lights, and smells were overwhelming and harsh.
When Jim went after Alex while I was still in the hospital I couldn't believe it. I was so angry--he brought me back and then he just leaves. I followed him, but acted like everything was alright. The anger had burned out, and I just felt resigned. The thing with he and Alex didn't even phase me. Why should it--I was in Hell.
People say that Hell is all fire and pitchforks--they're wrong. Hell is knowing what could be. Hell is knowing what true peace and happiness is and knowing that nothing here comes close to comparing. Ignorance really is bliss...
So, now I'm back. A ghost--a shadow that doesn't belong. Inside there is such a sense of loss and sadness...and little sparks of anger. Anger because no one asked. No one asked if I wanted to come back. No one asked.